We spent the better part of the day cleaning this messy house--what's been piling around the renovations. Andrew's been putting in our kitchen floor for awhile now, but it's finally done and it looks amazing! I'm very happy with the results! My poor husband was on his knees for 4 hours which resulted in a numb side of the leg, but to have it finally finished is a weight off both of our shoulders (and worth it a little bit?--I'll have to check with him on that one).
Andrew's parents were visiting SIL and BIL, actually more accurately they were probably just there to visit their grandchild :), so on their way back to their house they asked to stop in and visit with us. The games was on so we thought, perfect--BBQ and Andrew could watch the game with his dad, which he loves to do so much. The rib dinner was fantastic if I do say so myself. Earlier in the day in preparing the meals, Andrew and I made Nire's chocolate chip cookies together. That was fun because Andrew was the one who actually did all the mixing of ingredients and all I did was put them on the parchment paper and tossed them in the oven. It was so cute to see my hubby taking an interest and helping me out baking cookies! He totally touches my heart in the smallest little acts and he doesn't even know it. The night ended beautifully, and I couldn't believe my eyes as we all started cheering as our Flames won in the last minute after Khabibulin (the Oiler's goalie) handed it to us on a silver platter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us8XC-Nfm14 I feel sorry for the poor guy, but it sealed a victory for us and continued a great start for the season.
Oh and I have to say to Nire, Andrew and I agree that they are the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.
Meals
1 A&W cream soda
4 cups of water
7 honey garlic bonanza back ribs
1/2 cup mashed potatoes with 1 tbsp herb & spice cream cheese
1/2 cup corn
1/4 cup imitation crab cocktail
6 homemade chocolate chip cookies
4 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-Yeah, with food today I kept planning on eating but then had to do this one thing first which translated into me not eating all day until all was done and we sat down to dinner. Ugh
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Day 109
Another day of cleaning has started...
--------------------------------------
Posting late and can't remember this far back.
--------------------------------------
Posting late and can't remember this far back.
Day 108
I'm beginning to address my hoarding issues. I'm not as bad as the people on TV, but everything the interventionists talk about with the hoarders, I see in me. It's difficult to throw out anything that's been given to me, or that I've purchased for some future purpose. The two worst offenders are (one) the countless sentimental items that I've accumulated over the years given to me by important people in my life, and (two) "craft stuff."
Let me address the "craft stuff" first. You'll see on TV how these people have countless bags--unopened bags--of all this stuff that they've compulsively bought because perhaps they have a hobby and felt that they needed it, and it must be purchased because it was a good deal and on sale. I am notorious for going to, dare I speak the M word, Michael's, and walking up and down the scrapbooking isles (which after my cake decorating classes now recently include cake decorating isles) looking for sale items or something pretty that I will need later. I'll pack the cart-over dramatic-I'll load the cart with these items that I can't stand to be apart from because it excites me of all the creations I can make. Then I see that I'm potentially about to spend hundreds of dollars that we don't have, so I take an exaggerated amount of time deciding what stays and what can go and put away most of my cart ending up only having spent a hundred dollars, and I feel accomplished like not only do I have these amazing bargains, but I also had enough restraint to not spend as much as I wanted, and so it's some sort of reward that I get to buy these few items because it's better than not buying half the store. Luckily I've realized this tiny little flaw in myself and the occurrence of my shopping trips have expertly decreased to maybe once every two months versus once every two weeks. Even at the minimum I can say right now that it's not ever really in our budget, but once I'm there it becomes an exception to the rule because I'd never be able get that certain item at that fine price if I don't get it now. I could say with confidence that this is no longer a financial problem that I can't control, but the residual stuff that I've accumulated that's suffocating the space in my house, is a problem. There's nowhere for it to go! So it sits in bags, not being used, not fulfilling it's destiny.
The most asinine thing about this whole collecting of craft stuff is that I have not made one single scrapbook page for myself with any of my thousands of dollars of supplies. I have made countless birthday cards, not to brag but in my opinion--beautiful cards, but the purpose of this stuff was to consolidate all the pictures and scrapbookable items I have so I have a wonderful place for all my most precious memories, so they're not just strewn about haphazardly in another pile, sitting right next to the bag pile of craft stuff. This hurts me to the core that my memories could be depleting and I haven't saved them in time.
Going back to hanging on to those precious, sentimental items I've been given from important people in my life...Here the worst offenders are the countless pieces of jewellery, knick knacks, and gifts either my mother owned, or she gave to me. The very fact that she touched them makes me so attached to these pieces that I would be the worst person in the world to ever part with them or so I believe.
Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer at the age of 44. I was 10 or 11 at the time. She was my everything and she was dying. As I read books or watch movies depicting the last years and months of a cancer victim, I see how weak and how much pain that person goes through. My 10 or 11 year old heart didn't see her struggle and my adult brain cannot prove to myself that it did happen. But nursing school and common sense tells me that it did. I do remember her last week. How vividly do I remember the night she passed, my now 13 year old purposefully induced insomnia sitting up with her all night, colouring a colouring book she promised we'd colour together but never did. We did mom. I coloured for both of us. I was with you at breath 100, 99, 98, 97...
So throughout her struggle to live these last years, instead of doing things she'd never done, going on far away trips (she did make it to her favourite place, La Jolla, a couple of times) what she did was spent her time making lists and preparing these things on her lists, lists of things she needed to prepare for us, her 5 children, before she passed. My mother died when I was 13 years old, entering grade 8, and this is what she prepared for me:
The night of her passing I received a teddy bear with a picture of us and on the back it read something like 'you cannot see or hear me, but teddy and I can see and hear you so give teddy a hug when you're feeling blue and I'll be with you'.
She left a Christmas present for the first Christmas without her.
I received gifts from her on graduating Jr. High school, my 16th birthday, my 18th birthday, high school graduation, my wedding, and I have yet to open gifts for my first child. Each gift came with a card with something written and signed by her.
She spent all her time doing this for me, and my 4 other siblings. She was dying and all she could think about was us.
How do you throw away, just the very phrase "throw away," seems so demeaning--how do you throw away those gifts? How do you throw out all the little figurines she loved to buy me because at one point I was into monkeys and she had to buy me a set of monkeys for my night stand? How do I part with these memories? How do you throw out a broken and useless nativity scene that she bought and we used to put up every Christmas for as long as I remember? How do you fix your own life and get rid of the clutter while not dishonouring a dying woman's last days of picking those things out for you instead of caring for herself? She gave me a hope chest and it's overflowing with these things. These are things I will never wear, and never want to display, but they're things that when I take them out of the darkness, I get to remember how much my mother loved me. But there's so much.
There's so much because I can't decided what gets to stay and what gets to go when you add all the things to this that remind me of Dad. Now Dad was opposite and didn't give gifts very often (I'm talking one gift, maybe once a year) because he didn't believe in spending the money for all this stuff you don't absolutely need. How it worked between them is beyond me. So what I have collected from my dad is mostly paperwork with his name on it: old passports, receipts, poems and letters he wrote, membership cards and driver's licences, lists he made. Because I didn't know much about him, about what made him tick, I have all these things that I can pretend give me a clearer picture of who my dad was on the inside, aside from the abusive alcoholic I grew up with. I have boxes of this stuff.
Then there's little things that take up room because they're delicate. I have a dried lily my littlest brother gave to me on my high school graduation. That was very uncharacteristic of him and one of 3 gifts I have ever received from him. I have a dried rose that my second oldest brother gave me when I pretended I was pregnant in high school for attention and I told him and he was there to support me. I have a fabric bracelet that my oldest brother gave to me when he was on leave from the CCC, or the air force, or jail-I can't remember. 'But he gave it to me and I held onto it. I hold on to things that remind me of my life because it seems everyone in my life leaves.
So how do you part with this stuff? Do I part with this stuff? How do I decide what stays and what goes? This is why it takes me 4 hours to sort through one box, and then have a tickled bag of trash scraps at the end that could easily be mistaken for untouched.
The dilemma is that I want a simple life and I don't want any of this stuff that's creating clutter! I crave clean lines and lightly decorated shelves. I want space to breathe, to think, to move within my own, present, life. I want to feel like I have room to scrapbook instead of walking all over boxes. I want to have a memory, a nostalgic smile, but not every time I open a box forced to relive my life for the next 8 hours shuffling through everything.
I think I know I have to throw out some stuff. It's just deciding what stuff that gives me the anxiety, fear, and subsequent procrastination. sigh
Meals
6 buttermilk pancakes
3 tsp becel margarine
1/4 cup blueberry syrup
1 cup of milk
1 steak and cheddar Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
1 can of A&W cream soda
2 pieces cheese pizza stuffed crust Pizza Hut
2 pieces pep & mush thin crust
4 cups of water
1/4 piece frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I'm currently cleaning the house room by room in preparation to paint in order to sell our house. I'm also trying to finish up 2 correspondence courses. Here are my excuses for my bad microwaving/fast food diet and non-existent exercise for the last two days. It's just for a few days. I just need the house clean for entertaining over the weekend, then I'll push in some time for myself. I just literally do not have one more minute to fit anything else in. Is that a good excuse for treating my body like crap? No. I feel guilty about it, but I'm not prepared to do anything about it or else my stress with skyrocket. I have to pick my battles and right now, this is not one to dwell on and cry about. I don't have time today. I know that it's only for a few days. I know it's not forever. I know I'm not developing a "bad habit." But as I try to break one, sometimes less than desirable has to be the default.
Let me address the "craft stuff" first. You'll see on TV how these people have countless bags--unopened bags--of all this stuff that they've compulsively bought because perhaps they have a hobby and felt that they needed it, and it must be purchased because it was a good deal and on sale. I am notorious for going to, dare I speak the M word, Michael's, and walking up and down the scrapbooking isles (which after my cake decorating classes now recently include cake decorating isles) looking for sale items or something pretty that I will need later. I'll pack the cart-over dramatic-I'll load the cart with these items that I can't stand to be apart from because it excites me of all the creations I can make. Then I see that I'm potentially about to spend hundreds of dollars that we don't have, so I take an exaggerated amount of time deciding what stays and what can go and put away most of my cart ending up only having spent a hundred dollars, and I feel accomplished like not only do I have these amazing bargains, but I also had enough restraint to not spend as much as I wanted, and so it's some sort of reward that I get to buy these few items because it's better than not buying half the store. Luckily I've realized this tiny little flaw in myself and the occurrence of my shopping trips have expertly decreased to maybe once every two months versus once every two weeks. Even at the minimum I can say right now that it's not ever really in our budget, but once I'm there it becomes an exception to the rule because I'd never be able get that certain item at that fine price if I don't get it now. I could say with confidence that this is no longer a financial problem that I can't control, but the residual stuff that I've accumulated that's suffocating the space in my house, is a problem. There's nowhere for it to go! So it sits in bags, not being used, not fulfilling it's destiny.
The most asinine thing about this whole collecting of craft stuff is that I have not made one single scrapbook page for myself with any of my thousands of dollars of supplies. I have made countless birthday cards, not to brag but in my opinion--beautiful cards, but the purpose of this stuff was to consolidate all the pictures and scrapbookable items I have so I have a wonderful place for all my most precious memories, so they're not just strewn about haphazardly in another pile, sitting right next to the bag pile of craft stuff. This hurts me to the core that my memories could be depleting and I haven't saved them in time.
Going back to hanging on to those precious, sentimental items I've been given from important people in my life...Here the worst offenders are the countless pieces of jewellery, knick knacks, and gifts either my mother owned, or she gave to me. The very fact that she touched them makes me so attached to these pieces that I would be the worst person in the world to ever part with them or so I believe.
Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer at the age of 44. I was 10 or 11 at the time. She was my everything and she was dying. As I read books or watch movies depicting the last years and months of a cancer victim, I see how weak and how much pain that person goes through. My 10 or 11 year old heart didn't see her struggle and my adult brain cannot prove to myself that it did happen. But nursing school and common sense tells me that it did. I do remember her last week. How vividly do I remember the night she passed, my now 13 year old purposefully induced insomnia sitting up with her all night, colouring a colouring book she promised we'd colour together but never did. We did mom. I coloured for both of us. I was with you at breath 100, 99, 98, 97...
So throughout her struggle to live these last years, instead of doing things she'd never done, going on far away trips (she did make it to her favourite place, La Jolla, a couple of times) what she did was spent her time making lists and preparing these things on her lists, lists of things she needed to prepare for us, her 5 children, before she passed. My mother died when I was 13 years old, entering grade 8, and this is what she prepared for me:
The night of her passing I received a teddy bear with a picture of us and on the back it read something like 'you cannot see or hear me, but teddy and I can see and hear you so give teddy a hug when you're feeling blue and I'll be with you'.
She left a Christmas present for the first Christmas without her.
I received gifts from her on graduating Jr. High school, my 16th birthday, my 18th birthday, high school graduation, my wedding, and I have yet to open gifts for my first child. Each gift came with a card with something written and signed by her.
She spent all her time doing this for me, and my 4 other siblings. She was dying and all she could think about was us.
How do you throw away, just the very phrase "throw away," seems so demeaning--how do you throw away those gifts? How do you throw out all the little figurines she loved to buy me because at one point I was into monkeys and she had to buy me a set of monkeys for my night stand? How do I part with these memories? How do you throw out a broken and useless nativity scene that she bought and we used to put up every Christmas for as long as I remember? How do you fix your own life and get rid of the clutter while not dishonouring a dying woman's last days of picking those things out for you instead of caring for herself? She gave me a hope chest and it's overflowing with these things. These are things I will never wear, and never want to display, but they're things that when I take them out of the darkness, I get to remember how much my mother loved me. But there's so much.
There's so much because I can't decided what gets to stay and what gets to go when you add all the things to this that remind me of Dad. Now Dad was opposite and didn't give gifts very often (I'm talking one gift, maybe once a year) because he didn't believe in spending the money for all this stuff you don't absolutely need. How it worked between them is beyond me. So what I have collected from my dad is mostly paperwork with his name on it: old passports, receipts, poems and letters he wrote, membership cards and driver's licences, lists he made. Because I didn't know much about him, about what made him tick, I have all these things that I can pretend give me a clearer picture of who my dad was on the inside, aside from the abusive alcoholic I grew up with. I have boxes of this stuff.
Then there's little things that take up room because they're delicate. I have a dried lily my littlest brother gave to me on my high school graduation. That was very uncharacteristic of him and one of 3 gifts I have ever received from him. I have a dried rose that my second oldest brother gave me when I pretended I was pregnant in high school for attention and I told him and he was there to support me. I have a fabric bracelet that my oldest brother gave to me when he was on leave from the CCC, or the air force, or jail-I can't remember. 'But he gave it to me and I held onto it. I hold on to things that remind me of my life because it seems everyone in my life leaves.
So how do you part with this stuff? Do I part with this stuff? How do I decide what stays and what goes? This is why it takes me 4 hours to sort through one box, and then have a tickled bag of trash scraps at the end that could easily be mistaken for untouched.
The dilemma is that I want a simple life and I don't want any of this stuff that's creating clutter! I crave clean lines and lightly decorated shelves. I want space to breathe, to think, to move within my own, present, life. I want to feel like I have room to scrapbook instead of walking all over boxes. I want to have a memory, a nostalgic smile, but not every time I open a box forced to relive my life for the next 8 hours shuffling through everything.
I think I know I have to throw out some stuff. It's just deciding what stuff that gives me the anxiety, fear, and subsequent procrastination. sigh
Meals
6 buttermilk pancakes
3 tsp becel margarine
1/4 cup blueberry syrup
1 cup of milk
1 steak and cheddar Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
1 can of A&W cream soda
2 pieces cheese pizza stuffed crust Pizza Hut
2 pieces pep & mush thin crust
4 cups of water
1/4 piece frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I'm currently cleaning the house room by room in preparation to paint in order to sell our house. I'm also trying to finish up 2 correspondence courses. Here are my excuses for my bad microwaving/fast food diet and non-existent exercise for the last two days. It's just for a few days. I just need the house clean for entertaining over the weekend, then I'll push in some time for myself. I just literally do not have one more minute to fit anything else in. Is that a good excuse for treating my body like crap? No. I feel guilty about it, but I'm not prepared to do anything about it or else my stress with skyrocket. I have to pick my battles and right now, this is not one to dwell on and cry about. I don't have time today. I know that it's only for a few days. I know it's not forever. I know I'm not developing a "bad habit." But as I try to break one, sometimes less than desirable has to be the default.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Day 107
Nasty left over KFC sitting in my fridge, me eating it, and feeling disgusting for admitting it. This is where lazy is going to kill me. Do the work. Okay, well I need to fix why I'm so lazy. Being fat is so easy!
Meals
2 pieces KFC chicken (l/o)
1 cup mashed potatoes and gravy
1/2 cup corn
1 tbsp each macaroni salad, cole slaw, potato salad
2 cups of water
1 spinach, mushroom, and chicken Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup cottage cheese
2 slices watermelon
2 cups of water
12 inch turkey, ham, and bacon sub on honey oat bread
lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, red onion
1 line of light mayo
2 lines of southwest sauce
1 can of A&W cream soda
2 cups of water
1/4 frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
None
Meals
2 pieces KFC chicken (l/o)
1 cup mashed potatoes and gravy
1/2 cup corn
1 tbsp each macaroni salad, cole slaw, potato salad
2 cups of water
1 spinach, mushroom, and chicken Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup cottage cheese
2 slices watermelon
2 cups of water
12 inch turkey, ham, and bacon sub on honey oat bread
lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, red onion
1 line of light mayo
2 lines of southwest sauce
1 can of A&W cream soda
2 cups of water
1/4 frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
None
Day 106
I felt pretty badly about not going to exercise yesterday, but I was still and today am now in so much pain! I figured I've had my 48 hours of recovery time (I could have done only cardio yesterday anyway) and so I made it to the gym this afternoon despite my pain. I got on the treadmill first and I was getting loosened up and tried my jog again. I did manage to get through 35 minutes but I jogged this time with 4 minutes in between. My legs just felt like they were going to stop underneath me and the last thing I need is to slip up and injure another ankle. I tried pushing but just enough to be safe. Then after the first minute I got a horrible shin splint in my bad ankle leg. I could cry!
I've never had such success jogging like I did last week, and then my TRX workout has never been so intense to push me to so much pain. When I literally could not physically push myself harder than I wanted, I started feeling really badly for myself. I quickly thought that this is stupid to get down on myself for not being the best because doing something is so much better than doing nothing. I'm starting to get these ideas in my head that I want to keep pushing because it felt sooooo great to do so. The light bulb went off and told me that pushing myself out of my comfort zone feels good. It loses the boring feeling and I gain that awesome self mastery sense of strength and power. I would have NEVER thought I could like exercise. Yeah, sometimes I'm not too into it and it makes the time go by so slowly. 'But most of the time, it just feels so good.
My point is I'm super happy that I went today instead of flaking out, succumbing to the pain. Every little good thing I do for myself proves to me that it can be done and nothing bad happens. What was the big fear? Was I afraid of breathing? Afraid of the pain? Afraid that it would be too hard? Afraid that I'll fail and so it will feel pointless? It seems silly now, and so insignificant. I'm so much stronger than I ever knew. Now when I hear previously fat people say If I can do it, you can too, I realize that they're not extra special, or magical, have 17 more free hours a day than me, rich, or naturally athletic. They found that this is something you work at and find a solution to in any situation. Okay, so those people only have one thing on everyone else, and it's that they've listened to 'want' and figured out the definition to succeed: wanting it more than not wanting. I used to think that I wanted it more than everyone; that who dares to say that me, with all my problems, doesn't want it enough. Wanting it more than not is not wanting independently. The more in 'want' is a little tiny stow-away attached to it called 'action.' If you want something you have to act to get it. You can't want and receive without the work.
By wanting it more than not, I have to act--act without excuses, without limitations, without expectations. You have to realize that you may be fat forever and be okay with that. Be okay with yourself. Live in the moment. Accept who you are. Once you've learned to be okay with and start loving yourself, start taking care of yourself. Don't go in with the mindset that you're going to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain date. Once you've discovered that you're worth taking care of yourself and having a great life, you'll do things to improve yourself. You'll eventually drop all that weight by living your life instead of having it ruled by these expectations that never get met.
I love watching TV shows like The Biggest Loser. Sure they exercise 4-6-8 hours a day, but they're also working on their insides. Fix the problem within, you'll see the problem fixed on the outside. For me, it's low self esteem, anger, guilt. But it's through non-judgment of yourself and acceptance that life just opens up and you realize the work is not hard. Don't fear the work. You're worth it.
Meals
1 banana
1 bowl of rice crispies
1 cup of milk
3 cups of water
1 cup split pea soup
6 pretzel crackers
2 tbsp shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups of water
2 pieces original recipe KFC chicken without skin
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup corn
2 tbsp potato salad
2 tbsp macaroni salad
2 tbsp cole slaw
4 cups of water
1 cup homemade peanut butter frozen yogurt
1 banana
1 tbsp nutella
1/4 cup whipped cream
1 cherry
2 tbsp walnuts
2 cups of water
Exercise
35 minutes treadmill walk 4 minutes, jog 1 minute
1 hour upper and lower body machines and free weights, abs
10 minutes stretching
Notes:
-Although I went on a huge rant about all this 'just do it' wonderfulness, I was still in major pain. I got home from my workout and had a headache and my muscles were going to die. I took more pain meds, and convinced Andrew to buy us dinner so I didn't have to move. I craved chicken.
I've never had such success jogging like I did last week, and then my TRX workout has never been so intense to push me to so much pain. When I literally could not physically push myself harder than I wanted, I started feeling really badly for myself. I quickly thought that this is stupid to get down on myself for not being the best because doing something is so much better than doing nothing. I'm starting to get these ideas in my head that I want to keep pushing because it felt sooooo great to do so. The light bulb went off and told me that pushing myself out of my comfort zone feels good. It loses the boring feeling and I gain that awesome self mastery sense of strength and power. I would have NEVER thought I could like exercise. Yeah, sometimes I'm not too into it and it makes the time go by so slowly. 'But most of the time, it just feels so good.
My point is I'm super happy that I went today instead of flaking out, succumbing to the pain. Every little good thing I do for myself proves to me that it can be done and nothing bad happens. What was the big fear? Was I afraid of breathing? Afraid of the pain? Afraid that it would be too hard? Afraid that I'll fail and so it will feel pointless? It seems silly now, and so insignificant. I'm so much stronger than I ever knew. Now when I hear previously fat people say If I can do it, you can too, I realize that they're not extra special, or magical, have 17 more free hours a day than me, rich, or naturally athletic. They found that this is something you work at and find a solution to in any situation. Okay, so those people only have one thing on everyone else, and it's that they've listened to 'want' and figured out the definition to succeed: wanting it more than not wanting. I used to think that I wanted it more than everyone; that who dares to say that me, with all my problems, doesn't want it enough. Wanting it more than not is not wanting independently. The more in 'want' is a little tiny stow-away attached to it called 'action.' If you want something you have to act to get it. You can't want and receive without the work.
By wanting it more than not, I have to act--act without excuses, without limitations, without expectations. You have to realize that you may be fat forever and be okay with that. Be okay with yourself. Live in the moment. Accept who you are. Once you've learned to be okay with and start loving yourself, start taking care of yourself. Don't go in with the mindset that you're going to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain date. Once you've discovered that you're worth taking care of yourself and having a great life, you'll do things to improve yourself. You'll eventually drop all that weight by living your life instead of having it ruled by these expectations that never get met.
I love watching TV shows like The Biggest Loser. Sure they exercise 4-6-8 hours a day, but they're also working on their insides. Fix the problem within, you'll see the problem fixed on the outside. For me, it's low self esteem, anger, guilt. But it's through non-judgment of yourself and acceptance that life just opens up and you realize the work is not hard. Don't fear the work. You're worth it.
Meals
1 banana
1 bowl of rice crispies
1 cup of milk
3 cups of water
1 cup split pea soup
6 pretzel crackers
2 tbsp shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups of water
2 pieces original recipe KFC chicken without skin
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup corn
2 tbsp potato salad
2 tbsp macaroni salad
2 tbsp cole slaw
4 cups of water
1 cup homemade peanut butter frozen yogurt
1 banana
1 tbsp nutella
1/4 cup whipped cream
1 cherry
2 tbsp walnuts
2 cups of water
Exercise
35 minutes treadmill walk 4 minutes, jog 1 minute
1 hour upper and lower body machines and free weights, abs
10 minutes stretching
Notes:
-Although I went on a huge rant about all this 'just do it' wonderfulness, I was still in major pain. I got home from my workout and had a headache and my muscles were going to die. I took more pain meds, and convinced Andrew to buy us dinner so I didn't have to move. I craved chicken.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Day 105--Week 15
334.4 pounds; -2.2 pounds; -14.6 total pounds
Eat that, vacation! Jogging, TRX-ing, losing weight after only 3 days of exercise this week.
So far, on the right track...
Meals
1/2 cup dry Nature's Way breakfast medley (oats, seeds, etc.)
2 tsp brown sugar
1 cup skim milk
1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice with the pulp (2 oranges)
1 cheeseburger
small french fry
2 cups of water
3 white corn tortillas
1 1/2 pieces frozen fish
1/2 cup shredded cabbage
2 tbsp white sauce (with half mayo and half yogurt), spices, dill, cilantro
lime juice
1 cup tomato Spanish rice
3/4 cup black refried beans
2 cups of water
1 cup homemade peanut butter yogurt (plain yogurt, brown sugar, whipped cream, peanut butter)
2--1/3 cup ice cream scoops (one chocolate, one strawberry)
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I had to take the truck in this morning because it was making an awful sound. Turns out the power steering fluid was bone dry. So I just picked something up on the way home for lunch because it was getting late. I got a kid's meal and didn't even finish it. I started eating and got sick. McD's is so not yummy anymore. So then I made fish tacos for dinner and they were so delicious that they made up for my crappy lunch.
-The TRX kicked my butt and excuses or not, I almost could not move and so I did not exercise today. My muscles were in so much pain, I had to take a T3 to relax me when I got home. I've never felt that sore from a workout before. I felt like I had the worst flu AND a truck hit me. My legs were still jelly walking down the stairs!
Eat that, vacation! Jogging, TRX-ing, losing weight after only 3 days of exercise this week.
So far, on the right track...
Meals
1/2 cup dry Nature's Way breakfast medley (oats, seeds, etc.)
2 tsp brown sugar
1 cup skim milk
1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice with the pulp (2 oranges)
1 cheeseburger
small french fry
2 cups of water
3 white corn tortillas
1 1/2 pieces frozen fish
1/2 cup shredded cabbage
2 tbsp white sauce (with half mayo and half yogurt), spices, dill, cilantro
lime juice
1 cup tomato Spanish rice
3/4 cup black refried beans
2 cups of water
1 cup homemade peanut butter yogurt (plain yogurt, brown sugar, whipped cream, peanut butter)
2--1/3 cup ice cream scoops (one chocolate, one strawberry)
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I had to take the truck in this morning because it was making an awful sound. Turns out the power steering fluid was bone dry. So I just picked something up on the way home for lunch because it was getting late. I got a kid's meal and didn't even finish it. I started eating and got sick. McD's is so not yummy anymore. So then I made fish tacos for dinner and they were so delicious that they made up for my crappy lunch.
-The TRX kicked my butt and excuses or not, I almost could not move and so I did not exercise today. My muscles were in so much pain, I had to take a T3 to relax me when I got home. I've never felt that sore from a workout before. I felt like I had the worst flu AND a truck hit me. My legs were still jelly walking down the stairs!
Day 104
Well here's the deal with Sundays. In my church we're taught to keep the Sabbath holy by using this day for worship and rest, and pretty much that's it. We're counselled, not commanded, to not work or study, not watch TV or play sports, not go to parties or shop or spend money, etc. We're counselled to engage in wholesome activities that involve family time, reading the scriptures, writing letters to loved ones, etc. I believe in this council. I think it's good for the spirit.
'But I've had to break the Sabbath many times--my CPR course was only taught on a Sunday at one point, my study group could only meet on a Sunday sometimes, we were out of water or medicine and we needed water or medicine on a Sunday before because we've fallen very sick. Every time we travel on a Sunday, there's most definitely a stop at a gas station. Even with all of this, I try really hard to not do anything else that breaks the Sabbath further. But I also realize that life happens and the world doesn't revolve around my religious beliefs. So sometimes the Sabbath gets broken. I don't ever think it's for something not worth it though. If it's something to help you in your life (a bit of exercise), or required of you (the job of a nurse or a paramedic), I think there's room for exception because we're all trying to do good. Trying. I think what's most important is that Heavenly Father knows the intentions of your heart. He gives us the free agency to do as we think we should. I'm only saying this because I know I will be judged by some here on earth, but I'm okay with that. I know I'm trying my best and my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father is all that matters. That said...
My gym has this new class using TRX suspension training. http://www.fitnessanywhere.com/ The class is only being taught on Sundays and Wednesdays. This is a special class that costs $60 and it's only 4 weeks. Aly and I wanted to go together but she works all the Wednesdays. I made the decision in order to go with Aly to this class, take the Sundays with her, making myself miss church for the the next 4 weeks. I'm okay with my decision, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. It's 45 minutes away from my family in order to make me a better person, which will future enable me to take care of my family. I think that's worth it.
So this TRX system, you've got a vinyl cord hanging from the ceiling and you're using your own body weight as resistance. On top of that, you're doing every exercise as fast as you can, with cardio in between. It was a kick butt workout the entire 45 minutes! I LOVED it!! The cord is only 2 pounds, so there's like no equipment and you get a full body workout. It's amazing!
Thank goodness I went too. This morning Andrew and I made a little breakfast we trying while on vacation--banana and nutella pancakes with whipped cream--oh the calories, but oh the yum!
Meals
3 buttermilk pancakes
1/4 cup nutella
3 tsp becel margarine
1/2 banana
1 cup canned whipped cream
2 cups of water
chicken, potato, corn TV dinner
1/2 eclair (l/o)
2 cups of water
1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice (approx 2.5 oranges)
2 hamburger buns
2-3oz hamburger patties
approx 3 oz Monterrey jack cheese
2 tbsp BBQ sauce
2 tbsp ketchup
4 pickle slices
1 tomato
1 cup spinach
5 sour cream Pringles
4 cups of water
1 Oreo cookie ice cream sandwich
Exercise
45 minutes TRX
Notes:
-We had these pancakes in La Jolla. So decadent. So delicious. So affordable made at home.
'But I've had to break the Sabbath many times--my CPR course was only taught on a Sunday at one point, my study group could only meet on a Sunday sometimes, we were out of water or medicine and we needed water or medicine on a Sunday before because we've fallen very sick. Every time we travel on a Sunday, there's most definitely a stop at a gas station. Even with all of this, I try really hard to not do anything else that breaks the Sabbath further. But I also realize that life happens and the world doesn't revolve around my religious beliefs. So sometimes the Sabbath gets broken. I don't ever think it's for something not worth it though. If it's something to help you in your life (a bit of exercise), or required of you (the job of a nurse or a paramedic), I think there's room for exception because we're all trying to do good. Trying. I think what's most important is that Heavenly Father knows the intentions of your heart. He gives us the free agency to do as we think we should. I'm only saying this because I know I will be judged by some here on earth, but I'm okay with that. I know I'm trying my best and my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father is all that matters. That said...
My gym has this new class using TRX suspension training. http://www.fitnessanywhere.com/ The class is only being taught on Sundays and Wednesdays. This is a special class that costs $60 and it's only 4 weeks. Aly and I wanted to go together but she works all the Wednesdays. I made the decision in order to go with Aly to this class, take the Sundays with her, making myself miss church for the the next 4 weeks. I'm okay with my decision, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. It's 45 minutes away from my family in order to make me a better person, which will future enable me to take care of my family. I think that's worth it.
So this TRX system, you've got a vinyl cord hanging from the ceiling and you're using your own body weight as resistance. On top of that, you're doing every exercise as fast as you can, with cardio in between. It was a kick butt workout the entire 45 minutes! I LOVED it!! The cord is only 2 pounds, so there's like no equipment and you get a full body workout. It's amazing!
Thank goodness I went too. This morning Andrew and I made a little breakfast we trying while on vacation--banana and nutella pancakes with whipped cream--oh the calories, but oh the yum!
Meals
3 buttermilk pancakes
1/4 cup nutella
3 tsp becel margarine
1/2 banana
1 cup canned whipped cream
2 cups of water
chicken, potato, corn TV dinner
1/2 eclair (l/o)
2 cups of water
1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice (approx 2.5 oranges)
2 hamburger buns
2-3oz hamburger patties
approx 3 oz Monterrey jack cheese
2 tbsp BBQ sauce
2 tbsp ketchup
4 pickle slices
1 tomato
1 cup spinach
5 sour cream Pringles
4 cups of water
1 Oreo cookie ice cream sandwich
Exercise
45 minutes TRX
Notes:
-We had these pancakes in La Jolla. So decadent. So delicious. So affordable made at home.
Day 103
This morning we spent about an hour and a half picking out our lights for our new home. I was really stuck on what light to put out on the veranda, as that is the front of our house and everyone will see it when they come over. So I wanted something that was going to compliment our beautiful door but that wasn't too expensive because we only had a certain budget to work with. We decided on some more inexpensive but pretty lights that will match our garage lights, back deck lights, all around the house. Then we went to the show home to look at where are selections will go and honestly, we had to consciously LOOK at the light or else we would have missed it. My inner struggle picking the perfect light went out the window. It's just a light.
Being in the show home made me so excited as it always does. I always look around imagining our own things in the home and where they would go. Now that we've picked out most of what we have control over I'm imagining what our selections will look like--the appliances, the colours of the cabinets, hardwood, carpets, tiles, counters, fireplace, walls, windows, lights, even down to the door handles. We have a say in most everything in the house and at first it's overwhelming trying to make a decision on everything but the builders send us to their suppliers and we pick and choose what we want. At times it's painful because there are so many choices and we are not interior designers. We've relied a lot on our gut instincts and the suggestions by the designers who have been invaluable. I do always worry that we should have picked one thing over another and did we pick the right one, but once the change order is signed off, it's a fresh breath of air because we couldn't change it if we wanted to anymore. It's been really fun though picking everything and then we don't even have to do the work putting it in!
Our current home is a different story though. We've still got so much to do and the house should go on the market in the next 6 weeks or so. Stressful. We've still got so much to do--declutter, clean, put up baseboards, paint. I guess we're at the end of where we need to be but these last projects have hung over my head for 4 years now. It's scary feeling like it will never be done. 'And how dumb that we'll just get it done in time to NOT enjoy it. I guess the house we're moving in to will be payment enough. I can't wait!
Meals
3 slices Panago pizza (l/o all Hawaiian)
2 cups of water
3/4 smoked bratwurst from Edelweiss Market
3/4 large cabbage roll
approx 3/4 cup mushy potatoes
approx 3/4 cup red cabbage
3/4 can of Coke
1/2 chocolate, cherry, cream eclair
chicken, potato, corn TV dinner
4 cups of water
1 cup of strawberry swirl ice cream cup (approx 1/3 cup)
1 Oreo ice cream sandwich
Exercise
None
Notes:
-This was another huge day of not being at home that I didn't plan meals for and subsequently bad eating or eating out. Vacation got me out of the habit. Must get back into meal planning.
Being in the show home made me so excited as it always does. I always look around imagining our own things in the home and where they would go. Now that we've picked out most of what we have control over I'm imagining what our selections will look like--the appliances, the colours of the cabinets, hardwood, carpets, tiles, counters, fireplace, walls, windows, lights, even down to the door handles. We have a say in most everything in the house and at first it's overwhelming trying to make a decision on everything but the builders send us to their suppliers and we pick and choose what we want. At times it's painful because there are so many choices and we are not interior designers. We've relied a lot on our gut instincts and the suggestions by the designers who have been invaluable. I do always worry that we should have picked one thing over another and did we pick the right one, but once the change order is signed off, it's a fresh breath of air because we couldn't change it if we wanted to anymore. It's been really fun though picking everything and then we don't even have to do the work putting it in!
Our current home is a different story though. We've still got so much to do and the house should go on the market in the next 6 weeks or so. Stressful. We've still got so much to do--declutter, clean, put up baseboards, paint. I guess we're at the end of where we need to be but these last projects have hung over my head for 4 years now. It's scary feeling like it will never be done. 'And how dumb that we'll just get it done in time to NOT enjoy it. I guess the house we're moving in to will be payment enough. I can't wait!
Meals
3 slices Panago pizza (l/o all Hawaiian)
2 cups of water
3/4 smoked bratwurst from Edelweiss Market
3/4 large cabbage roll
approx 3/4 cup mushy potatoes
approx 3/4 cup red cabbage
3/4 can of Coke
1/2 chocolate, cherry, cream eclair
chicken, potato, corn TV dinner
4 cups of water
1 cup of strawberry swirl ice cream cup (approx 1/3 cup)
1 Oreo ice cream sandwich
Exercise
None
Notes:
-This was another huge day of not being at home that I didn't plan meals for and subsequently bad eating or eating out. Vacation got me out of the habit. Must get back into meal planning.
Day 102
Meals
3 buffalo chicken fajitas from Chili's (l/o)
2 cups of water
1/2 cup of skim cottage cheese
1 cup spinach salad
1 tomato
1 tbsp walnuts
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
1 can of tuna
1 banana
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
2 cups romaine lettuce
1/4 cup croutons
2 tbsp Caesar dressing
3 slices Panago pizza (2 Hawaiian, 1 BBQ chicken)
2 cups of water
3 buffalo chicken fajitas from Chili's (l/o)
2 cups of water
1/2 cup of skim cottage cheese
1 cup spinach salad
1 tomato
1 tbsp walnuts
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
1 can of tuna
1 banana
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
2 cups romaine lettuce
1/4 cup croutons
2 tbsp Caesar dressing
3 slices Panago pizza (2 Hawaiian, 1 BBQ chicken)
2 cups of water
1 cup Starbucks hot cocoa with whipped cream, homemade
Exercise
None
Notes:
-None
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Day 101
It's overwhelming the amount of laundry you make while on vacation. Never ending work.
B seems to be recovered from his vacay--the first couple of days home you couldn't move him and when you did, he would fall asleep so fast you'd think he was just putting on a show. Nope, within minutes those little paddy paws would be twitching away, pulsing to his facial twitches, and his little whines and barks would prove to you he was chasing rabbits and not just psyching you out. Now when I look at him, he'll actually acknowledge my existence in the room and slowly raise his head to see if I was interesting enough before flopping that big slobbery pile of lips to the floor, starring at me through anticipatory eyes, glazed over by a bored facade. He's just one definition of unconditional love.
Tonight we're going to pick our interiors for our new house. How exciting is that?! What's not exciting is that we get to do this again, very soon, but only for our current home. Then we get to come home and prep all the walls and paint it ourselves. This is why we don't flip homes for a living. This is not the fun part. I love that we're moving into a new home that's never been touched so I can control the amount of nicks and marks in the walls and not have to fix someone else's. I love that it will only be my fault for how clean or dirty my new home gets. Every time I think we've fixed or cleaned something here, something else pops up that needs attention. Once again, never ending work. I'm just looking forward to the fun part right now, filing away the mess we're dealing with if only for a moment...ahhhh.
Meals
mac n cheese (l/o)
spinach salad (l/o)
2 cups of water
3 cups of water
3 buffalo chicken fajitas from Chili's
1/2 white chocolate molten lava cake
4 cups of water
Exercise
45 minutes upper body and lower body machines and weights
45 minutes treadmill: 3 minutes walking, 1 minute jogging, repeated for the duration
Notes:
-That's right...I've started jogging. I'm a 336 pound jogger. Eat it.
-It was a busy day and before I knew it I had to go out to an appointment so had to skip lunch. By dinner we were very hungry and didn't want to cook. This is why we go out so much and I'm sure it's why many people go out so much.
B seems to be recovered from his vacay--the first couple of days home you couldn't move him and when you did, he would fall asleep so fast you'd think he was just putting on a show. Nope, within minutes those little paddy paws would be twitching away, pulsing to his facial twitches, and his little whines and barks would prove to you he was chasing rabbits and not just psyching you out. Now when I look at him, he'll actually acknowledge my existence in the room and slowly raise his head to see if I was interesting enough before flopping that big slobbery pile of lips to the floor, starring at me through anticipatory eyes, glazed over by a bored facade. He's just one definition of unconditional love.
Tonight we're going to pick our interiors for our new house. How exciting is that?! What's not exciting is that we get to do this again, very soon, but only for our current home. Then we get to come home and prep all the walls and paint it ourselves. This is why we don't flip homes for a living. This is not the fun part. I love that we're moving into a new home that's never been touched so I can control the amount of nicks and marks in the walls and not have to fix someone else's. I love that it will only be my fault for how clean or dirty my new home gets. Every time I think we've fixed or cleaned something here, something else pops up that needs attention. Once again, never ending work. I'm just looking forward to the fun part right now, filing away the mess we're dealing with if only for a moment...ahhhh.
Meals
mac n cheese (l/o)
spinach salad (l/o)
2 cups of water
3 cups of water
3 buffalo chicken fajitas from Chili's
1/2 white chocolate molten lava cake
4 cups of water
Exercise
45 minutes upper body and lower body machines and weights
45 minutes treadmill: 3 minutes walking, 1 minute jogging, repeated for the duration
Notes:
-That's right...I've started jogging. I'm a 336 pound jogger. Eat it.
-It was a busy day and before I knew it I had to go out to an appointment so had to skip lunch. By dinner we were very hungry and didn't want to cook. This is why we go out so much and I'm sure it's why many people go out so much.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Day 100
Day 100 has arrived!!!
Instead of being able to celebrate an extreme milestone today, I'm celebrating a rebirth. Andrew and I just got back from a very fun and relaxing vacation which has left me invigorated and ready to take on the world. See, during vacations we end up having a long good sleep overnight every night, and wake up early-ish every morning to do all the fun stuff we want. Having practiced that for 2 weeks, I am almost in the habit of going to bed, and just waking up when I actually wake up in the morning instead of going back to sleep or taking my time being lazy. I have this renewed sense of longing for accomplishments and that sense is not masked by an overwhelming doom of perfectionism.
On vacay I was able to relax and take things as they came, preparing me for real life and giving myself the tools to adapt to change. I haven't lived like a creature of survival--if things aren't in my little categories and all ducks are lined in a row, I create this chaos all around me. The need to be organized was a label I branded myself with instead of using it as a tool to be more functional--something I have been trying to figure out. I think I may have a very novice insight into how this will all play out and how I can apply the new found ideas of relaxation translated into the business of real life. I need to be more laid back, go with the flow, accepting that I and every aspect of life is not perfect, and that is okay. I don't need to have every little thing in my life imprisoned by these unrealistic expectations; irrational deadlines. I have a deadline for losing weight, for baby making, for finishing school, for when which part of the house is going to be finished before another part can be started. All the deadlines make me crazy because I don't complete about 99% of them "on time" which kills me with more stress leading me to a miserable, guilty feeling of myself, making me unhappy, and leading me to not caring about my body, eating everything in sight (and subsequently skipping blog postings throwing away everything I've tried to build this thing on).
People have recently asked my why am I not posting every day anymore--am I giving up? Holy heck no! The few weeks before vacation I think I was feeling such a sense of doom that yes I could have given up. I would have rather given up than to pull myself along lying to everyone that my heart was in this while I was eating ice cream every day and not exercising because "I need time off." Are you kidding me? It's so easy to make excuses, fall into habits, justify your actions/believing your own lies. It's also easy to feel guilty and ashamed, and not want to to show everyone how down you are even though your actions are screaming them over your head anyway.
I was hesitant about taking our vacation because I needed to get school done by such and such date. Now that I've taken vacation there's no way I can finish in the time frame I had set up for myself. So I failed again, lengthening my end date from 5 years to 6 years now. This has been the biggest stressor in my life. I want to graduate before my veteran nurse grandmother dies. I want her to be proud of me and she tells me she is, but I feel like my degree will be proof. I don't feel like the last 4.5 years of school count until I get that degree. I feel like I disappoint her. She is, after all, 101 years old and I feel the pressure every day that I won't make it before she passes. She's the only one I still feel like I have to prove myself to. It kills me that I'm "unconventional" (better word for loser) in that I'm taking so long to complete my degree. My plan was to finish in 4 years and so because this plan has expired I feel like a loser. There are those expectations again. I haven't been able to tell myself to just enjoy my life. I can't take my career, money, or anything that I gain from those to the grave, so I need to be happy while I do this. This philosophy clashes with the philosophies of some people I truly admire and want to impress so it's hard to stand my ground and feel good about my decisions. But I own them, and am doing my best to feel good about them, and good about all the decisions in my whole life.
The only thing giving me hope is the support of my wonderful husband, along with the support of a few very close friends. I'm so grateful that they don't judge me, and if they do, that they support me anyway with open arms. I never have to be afraid with Andrew to tell him I've failed. He always lets me know it's not a failure, but a different way of doing it. There's no one correct way to live a life and I'm learning that.
Meals
Beef stroganoff (l/o)
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water
2 mini pizza's
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water
1 1/2 cups whole wheat elbow macaroni (Hard Rock Cafe copycat recipe of Twisted Mac n Cheese)
1/4 cup mixed reduced fat cheeses (cheddar, Monterrey jack)
2 tbsp whole milk
2 tbsp 4 cheese Alfredo sauce
2 tbsp roasted red peppers
1 1/2 oz chicken thigh
3 croutons
1 tsp Parmesan cheese
1 cup torn raw spinach
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
2 tbsp raisins
1 tbsp walnut pieces
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I didn't schedule time to exercise and subsequently ran out of time. Ugh.
Instead of being able to celebrate an extreme milestone today, I'm celebrating a rebirth. Andrew and I just got back from a very fun and relaxing vacation which has left me invigorated and ready to take on the world. See, during vacations we end up having a long good sleep overnight every night, and wake up early-ish every morning to do all the fun stuff we want. Having practiced that for 2 weeks, I am almost in the habit of going to bed, and just waking up when I actually wake up in the morning instead of going back to sleep or taking my time being lazy. I have this renewed sense of longing for accomplishments and that sense is not masked by an overwhelming doom of perfectionism.
On vacay I was able to relax and take things as they came, preparing me for real life and giving myself the tools to adapt to change. I haven't lived like a creature of survival--if things aren't in my little categories and all ducks are lined in a row, I create this chaos all around me. The need to be organized was a label I branded myself with instead of using it as a tool to be more functional--something I have been trying to figure out. I think I may have a very novice insight into how this will all play out and how I can apply the new found ideas of relaxation translated into the business of real life. I need to be more laid back, go with the flow, accepting that I and every aspect of life is not perfect, and that is okay. I don't need to have every little thing in my life imprisoned by these unrealistic expectations; irrational deadlines. I have a deadline for losing weight, for baby making, for finishing school, for when which part of the house is going to be finished before another part can be started. All the deadlines make me crazy because I don't complete about 99% of them "on time" which kills me with more stress leading me to a miserable, guilty feeling of myself, making me unhappy, and leading me to not caring about my body, eating everything in sight (and subsequently skipping blog postings throwing away everything I've tried to build this thing on).
People have recently asked my why am I not posting every day anymore--am I giving up? Holy heck no! The few weeks before vacation I think I was feeling such a sense of doom that yes I could have given up. I would have rather given up than to pull myself along lying to everyone that my heart was in this while I was eating ice cream every day and not exercising because "I need time off." Are you kidding me? It's so easy to make excuses, fall into habits, justify your actions/believing your own lies. It's also easy to feel guilty and ashamed, and not want to to show everyone how down you are even though your actions are screaming them over your head anyway.
I was hesitant about taking our vacation because I needed to get school done by such and such date. Now that I've taken vacation there's no way I can finish in the time frame I had set up for myself. So I failed again, lengthening my end date from 5 years to 6 years now. This has been the biggest stressor in my life. I want to graduate before my veteran nurse grandmother dies. I want her to be proud of me and she tells me she is, but I feel like my degree will be proof. I don't feel like the last 4.5 years of school count until I get that degree. I feel like I disappoint her. She is, after all, 101 years old and I feel the pressure every day that I won't make it before she passes. She's the only one I still feel like I have to prove myself to. It kills me that I'm "unconventional" (better word for loser) in that I'm taking so long to complete my degree. My plan was to finish in 4 years and so because this plan has expired I feel like a loser. There are those expectations again. I haven't been able to tell myself to just enjoy my life. I can't take my career, money, or anything that I gain from those to the grave, so I need to be happy while I do this. This philosophy clashes with the philosophies of some people I truly admire and want to impress so it's hard to stand my ground and feel good about my decisions. But I own them, and am doing my best to feel good about them, and good about all the decisions in my whole life.
The only thing giving me hope is the support of my wonderful husband, along with the support of a few very close friends. I'm so grateful that they don't judge me, and if they do, that they support me anyway with open arms. I never have to be afraid with Andrew to tell him I've failed. He always lets me know it's not a failure, but a different way of doing it. There's no one correct way to live a life and I'm learning that.
Meals
Beef stroganoff (l/o)
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water
2 mini pizza's
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water
1 1/2 cups whole wheat elbow macaroni (Hard Rock Cafe copycat recipe of Twisted Mac n Cheese)
1/4 cup mixed reduced fat cheeses (cheddar, Monterrey jack)
2 tbsp whole milk
2 tbsp 4 cheese Alfredo sauce
2 tbsp roasted red peppers
1 1/2 oz chicken thigh
3 croutons
1 tsp Parmesan cheese
1 cup torn raw spinach
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
2 tbsp raisins
1 tbsp walnut pieces
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I didn't schedule time to exercise and subsequently ran out of time. Ugh.
Day 99
Andrew's first day back at work, and I had an early appointment with an ENT. I've been having tinnitus (ringing in the ears) for quite some time now. My family doc sent me to the specialist to see if it was sinus related, related to my golf ball sized tonsils (normal size for me), or something else. I took a hearing test and passed with excellent hearing which baffles me. I suppose I used to have superhuman hearing and sight before because I experience a decrease in both, yet my tests always come out with excellent results. It's very frustrating to lose some of these senses yet told that I'm fine. At my recent eye exam I was told that my eyes have gotten worse from my "fuzzy 20/20" and I now have a "real" prescription for the glasses I wear while reading or driving at night. I'm not required to do this, but they help and I feel more confident when I do. Back to my hearing, I constantly have to look at people's mouths when they talk or I miss things. That's not excellent hearing to me, but I guess it is to them. Anyway, because they didn't find anything wrong, I'm being sent for an MRI to see if there's anything wrong with the little inner ear bones. I'm not looking forward to that. I'm claustrophobic so I have to go get a sedative to take with me as they don't provide them. I'll ask about my fear of flying then. Anyway, I'll have an appointment in 6 months so that's still a while yet.
Speaking of little inner ear bones, while on vacation Andrew and I went to Bodies...The Exhibition at the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas. http://www.luxor.com/attractions/attractions_bodies.aspx
The 3 inner ear bones were displayed and they were so tiny and cute! I'm just fascinated by anatomy and all else related (hence my nursing career kind of fits with that passion) and I loved it. I wish I had more time and my text books so I could actually remember what I was looking at. They had brief descriptions of what the specimens were and how they worked, but as much as I would see something and remember bits and pieces about it, there would be more that I would totally draw a blank on and couldn't describe it to myself, kicking myself in the brain the whole time. It was one of my favourite parts of our trip.
Anyway, I had a super productive day, refilled the fridge, made some phone calls, etc. I even made it to the gym...
Meals
2 croissants
2 eggs
2 pieces of cheese
1/2 cup orange juice
3 cups of water
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cheese pizza minis
1/4 cup Mediterranean style yogurt
1 banana
2 cups of water
1 cup egg noodles (stroganoff)
3 oz lean ground beef
1/4 can reduced salt cream of mushroom
1/4 cup plain yogurt
3/4 cup wilted spinach
2 cups of water
Exercise
60 minutes treadmill intervals of walking, speed walking, and hill climbing
20 minutes upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching
Notes:
-I ate Burger King for breakfast because we didn't have anything to make food with, this is when I went to the grocery store after and picked up lots of good stuff.
-At the gym, I was speed walking and felt like I could run--so I did! I ended up jogging for a full minute, four times. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I haven't been a jogger in the past. It felt fantastic. I felt like I was totally pushing myself out of my comfort zone and felt that I actually had a real workout. There was a girl next to me jogging her entire workout--20 or 30 minutes I guess--and I felt funny to be the fat girl trying to jog, but at the same time I was the fat girl jogging while others were walking. It was a huge confidence boost. 'And now I know my ankle can finally handle it and I can do it. Yay me!
Speaking of little inner ear bones, while on vacation Andrew and I went to Bodies...The Exhibition at the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas. http://www.luxor.com/attractions/attractions_bodies.aspx
The 3 inner ear bones were displayed and they were so tiny and cute! I'm just fascinated by anatomy and all else related (hence my nursing career kind of fits with that passion) and I loved it. I wish I had more time and my text books so I could actually remember what I was looking at. They had brief descriptions of what the specimens were and how they worked, but as much as I would see something and remember bits and pieces about it, there would be more that I would totally draw a blank on and couldn't describe it to myself, kicking myself in the brain the whole time. It was one of my favourite parts of our trip.
Anyway, I had a super productive day, refilled the fridge, made some phone calls, etc. I even made it to the gym...
Meals
2 croissants
2 eggs
2 pieces of cheese
1/2 cup orange juice
3 cups of water
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cheese pizza minis
1/4 cup Mediterranean style yogurt
1 banana
2 cups of water
1 cup egg noodles (stroganoff)
3 oz lean ground beef
1/4 can reduced salt cream of mushroom
1/4 cup plain yogurt
3/4 cup wilted spinach
2 cups of water
Exercise
60 minutes treadmill intervals of walking, speed walking, and hill climbing
20 minutes upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching
Notes:
-I ate Burger King for breakfast because we didn't have anything to make food with, this is when I went to the grocery store after and picked up lots of good stuff.
-At the gym, I was speed walking and felt like I could run--so I did! I ended up jogging for a full minute, four times. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I haven't been a jogger in the past. It felt fantastic. I felt like I was totally pushing myself out of my comfort zone and felt that I actually had a real workout. There was a girl next to me jogging her entire workout--20 or 30 minutes I guess--and I felt funny to be the fat girl trying to jog, but at the same time I was the fat girl jogging while others were walking. It was a huge confidence boost. 'And now I know my ankle can finally handle it and I can do it. Yay me!
Day 98--Week 14
336.6 pounds; +5.6 pounds (in 20 days of vacation); -12.4 pounds total.
Our first day back consisted of many hours of cuddling B, and sleeping.
I wanted to come out even in my weight as we did go to the gym 3 times, but only 3 times (actually to Andrew's credit he went a total of 6 times). I really threw everything out the window since we didn't plan to make meals and ate out the entire time. But don't disregard my 3 workouts. That's never happened before on vacation where we actually planned to try to work out, plus all the days we did walking all day at amusement parks and swimming in the beach. It was one of the most active vacations we've had for sure. We just didn't do a fantastic job censoring what we ate. I'm still proud because it was all worth it and it wasn't a horrible gain (as I'm sure much of it is water retention from so much salt in restaurant food). We'll see in next week's weigh-in!
Our first day back consisted of many hours of cuddling B, and sleeping.
I wanted to come out even in my weight as we did go to the gym 3 times, but only 3 times (actually to Andrew's credit he went a total of 6 times). I really threw everything out the window since we didn't plan to make meals and ate out the entire time. But don't disregard my 3 workouts. That's never happened before on vacation where we actually planned to try to work out, plus all the days we did walking all day at amusement parks and swimming in the beach. It was one of the most active vacations we've had for sure. We just didn't do a fantastic job censoring what we ate. I'm still proud because it was all worth it and it wasn't a horrible gain (as I'm sure much of it is water retention from so much salt in restaurant food). We'll see in next week's weigh-in!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Day 81-Day 97 including Week 12 and Week 13
Road trip back home!
My goal is to not gain any weight and come out even by the time we return. Although that may be a pretty weak goal in some eyes, this is the first time I will attempt to not gain 10 pounds on vacay which makes it huge for me. Plus I want to enjoy what will hopefully be our last big vacation before children so not spending too much time in the kitchen while away is key. Measurements will recommence on Week 14 and restructuring from every four weeks to every calendar month will take place beginning in October.
This is my plan.
Wish me luck!
e
My goal is to not gain any weight and come out even by the time we return. Although that may be a pretty weak goal in some eyes, this is the first time I will attempt to not gain 10 pounds on vacay which makes it huge for me. Plus I want to enjoy what will hopefully be our last big vacation before children so not spending too much time in the kitchen while away is key. Measurements will recommence on Week 14 and restructuring from every four weeks to every calendar month will take place beginning in October.
This is my plan.
Wish me luck!
e
Day 80
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!We're leaving tomorrow and I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What that means for today, however, is a busy busy busy day today packing and cleaning.
Meals
1 bowl of Frosted Flakes (of course l/o's again from camping in the form of single serving boxes)
1/2 bowl of Corn Flakes
1 cup skim milk
1 tbsp peanut butter
1 slice whole grain toast
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 tomato
1 apple
2 cups of water
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
2 cups of water
2 cheeseburgers
1/2 of a large fry
1/2 of a medium Coke
6.5 chicken nuggets
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-Nire told me NOT to go to Micky D's because I would feel fat and regret it. She said I'd start with the nuggets I wanted, and keep going from there. I didn't go for lunch like I told her I wouldn't, but I kept thinking about it, caved, and not only went for dinner, but fed it to the family as well. sigh---and there is the regretful "sigh" she predicted I'd post. How do you know me so well?! lol
-I barely have time to post this let alone exercise today. We're leaving on vacay and I'm the woman so guess who has all the preparatory work to accomplish in not ever enough time...
What that means for today, however, is a busy busy busy day today packing and cleaning.
Meals
1 bowl of Frosted Flakes (of course l/o's again from camping in the form of single serving boxes)
1/2 bowl of Corn Flakes
1 cup skim milk
1 tbsp peanut butter
1 slice whole grain toast
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 tomato
1 apple
2 cups of water
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
2 cups of water
2 cheeseburgers
1/2 of a large fry
1/2 of a medium Coke
6.5 chicken nuggets
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-Nire told me NOT to go to Micky D's because I would feel fat and regret it. She said I'd start with the nuggets I wanted, and keep going from there. I didn't go for lunch like I told her I wouldn't, but I kept thinking about it, caved, and not only went for dinner, but fed it to the family as well. sigh---and there is the regretful "sigh" she predicted I'd post. How do you know me so well?! lol
-I barely have time to post this let alone exercise today. We're leaving on vacay and I'm the woman so guess who has all the preparatory work to accomplish in not ever enough time...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Day 79
Now I've got 2 days to hurry up and get ready before leaving for our road trip back home for an exaggerated two weeks. I'm counting the minutes I have left to get everything in order to quickly and easily cross the border, make sure we have our little conveniences (like an ice and bottled water packed cooler), and checking my maps, reservations emails, and immigration documents multiple times. I can't wait to see my old family (including family not related to me by blood), my home town, and go to the little places that hold old memories for me and recent memories for my new family. It's bittersweet really because the anticipation is so high getting excited for the journey and meeting with my family, but after a few days with them I get homesick for this beautiful country I call my new home and find myself looking forward to the return.
It's always a great deal of stress to cross the border, one Yankee and one Canuck trying to convince the immigration officers why one would want to permanently be with the other and to allow us to enter together. But we bring our papers and pray as we get there that the border crossing will be quick and painless. Once we're through, we say a little pray thanking Heavenly Father that he's allowed our family to remain together. Maybe for most people in our situation they have no problems crossing the border and don't know what our hesitation is. But this hesitation stems from the first time we every tried travelling together on our honeymoon when my name wasn't yet changed, and we didn't have the marriage licence yet. We were stuck for over an hour trying to convince the authorities that we not only belonged together but that we wanted to belong together. (They have this thing that they want proof of the relationship as neither country wants to break up families, but they don't look kindly on mail order brides either.) It was difficult trying to convince them after meeting Andrew online and dating in person only 6 months before marriage, not having the same last name at the time, and no paperwork. This is my reason for checking our documents now 10 times before we leave so there will be absolutely no problems to get us there and back.
So we will be gone until the end of September. No, I will not forget my progress to this date. The 18 pounds I've lost until now will be over 20 by the time I get back--that is my goal. We've already scouted out all the gym affiliates to Andrew's club and I will get a visitor's pass so we have a place to work out together. I can't promise I'm not going to indulge in my favourite restaurants only back home has to offer at least for the first couple of days to get it out of my system. But we're going to try to watch what we eat and make better choices. Exercising while on vacation is not new to us. We tried last year while on a week long vacation and made it one day to a YMCA. Granted, that's not a lot, but it was the only time we'd ever done something like that before and really made us feel empowered that we could do good things for our bodies even on vacation. There's the balance of not wanting to "waste" our time working out, but then again, not wanting to be lazy about our health just because we're in another place. We take our bodies everywhere we go so we shouldn't discriminate in how we treat them. They need to take us on vacation too, happy and full of energy. What a gift it is to ourselves to relax and have fun, while making it a point to feel good too.
I'm getting so excited! Time to go get everything ready!!!
Meals
1 cup saffron rice
1 cup chicken tikka masala
1 naan bread
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
1 cup strawberries
2 cups of water
3 taco shells
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
3 cups of water
12 inch Quizno's turkey club with mozzarella cheese and light mayo
1 bowl of broccoli cheddar soup
approx 14 salt and vinegar chips
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Exercise
40 minutes interval hill treadmill
45 minute iron reps class
Notes:
-These last couple of days have been packed with business and in order to not overbuy food that's going to get thrown out while we're away, we've had to eat what's been at home or go out. For lunch unfortunately, we had left over taco shells and left over chocolate bars from camping so I put those together for a healthy snack (sense the sarcasm) before running off to the gym. I have no time management skills and should have prepared something before running out of time and rushing to the gym, forgetting that my tummy was empty and wouldn't do well at the gym on no fuel so grabbing the easiest, fastest thing I could see. Yuck.
-Thank goodness Aly got me to go workout. I even phoned her a half hour before our meeting time to ask how excited she was about the gym to see if I could weasel my way out of it. What the heck? I hate not going because now I'm out of the habit and it's so hard to get myself going again. But I went anyway because I didn't want to be "that" friend. I'm just lazy and over stressed with so many commitments, they gym was going to have to be last. Somehow it fit in and I'm getting things done. It's a miracle.
It's always a great deal of stress to cross the border, one Yankee and one Canuck trying to convince the immigration officers why one would want to permanently be with the other and to allow us to enter together. But we bring our papers and pray as we get there that the border crossing will be quick and painless. Once we're through, we say a little pray thanking Heavenly Father that he's allowed our family to remain together. Maybe for most people in our situation they have no problems crossing the border and don't know what our hesitation is. But this hesitation stems from the first time we every tried travelling together on our honeymoon when my name wasn't yet changed, and we didn't have the marriage licence yet. We were stuck for over an hour trying to convince the authorities that we not only belonged together but that we wanted to belong together. (They have this thing that they want proof of the relationship as neither country wants to break up families, but they don't look kindly on mail order brides either.) It was difficult trying to convince them after meeting Andrew online and dating in person only 6 months before marriage, not having the same last name at the time, and no paperwork. This is my reason for checking our documents now 10 times before we leave so there will be absolutely no problems to get us there and back.
So we will be gone until the end of September. No, I will not forget my progress to this date. The 18 pounds I've lost until now will be over 20 by the time I get back--that is my goal. We've already scouted out all the gym affiliates to Andrew's club and I will get a visitor's pass so we have a place to work out together. I can't promise I'm not going to indulge in my favourite restaurants only back home has to offer at least for the first couple of days to get it out of my system. But we're going to try to watch what we eat and make better choices. Exercising while on vacation is not new to us. We tried last year while on a week long vacation and made it one day to a YMCA. Granted, that's not a lot, but it was the only time we'd ever done something like that before and really made us feel empowered that we could do good things for our bodies even on vacation. There's the balance of not wanting to "waste" our time working out, but then again, not wanting to be lazy about our health just because we're in another place. We take our bodies everywhere we go so we shouldn't discriminate in how we treat them. They need to take us on vacation too, happy and full of energy. What a gift it is to ourselves to relax and have fun, while making it a point to feel good too.
I'm getting so excited! Time to go get everything ready!!!
Meals
1 cup saffron rice
1 cup chicken tikka masala
1 naan bread
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
1 cup strawberries
2 cups of water
3 taco shells
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
3 cups of water
12 inch Quizno's turkey club with mozzarella cheese and light mayo
1 bowl of broccoli cheddar soup
approx 14 salt and vinegar chips
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Exercise
40 minutes interval hill treadmill
45 minute iron reps class
Notes:
-These last couple of days have been packed with business and in order to not overbuy food that's going to get thrown out while we're away, we've had to eat what's been at home or go out. For lunch unfortunately, we had left over taco shells and left over chocolate bars from camping so I put those together for a healthy snack (sense the sarcasm) before running off to the gym. I have no time management skills and should have prepared something before running out of time and rushing to the gym, forgetting that my tummy was empty and wouldn't do well at the gym on no fuel so grabbing the easiest, fastest thing I could see. Yuck.
-Thank goodness Aly got me to go workout. I even phoned her a half hour before our meeting time to ask how excited she was about the gym to see if I could weasel my way out of it. What the heck? I hate not going because now I'm out of the habit and it's so hard to get myself going again. But I went anyway because I didn't want to be "that" friend. I'm just lazy and over stressed with so many commitments, they gym was going to have to be last. Somehow it fit in and I'm getting things done. It's a miracle.
Day 75-78--Week 11 (plus one day)
Weight: 331 pounds; stayed even this week; -18 pounds total
Just a note about my weight--I am shocked that with NO intentional exercise, not really watching my food, and adding all the s'mores and dutch oven cherry crunch that camping this week had to offer, I didn't gain any weight. It must be because we sweat out most of the extra pounds through heat and walking.
It was 30 degrees (okay maybe 28/29 degrees) every day--so hot and a bit miserable after any activity. I also can't stand having dirty feet; I hate the feel of having dry feet rubbing against dirt, dirt in my between my toes, and just feeling not clean feet. This was really bad because I decided to only bring flip flops (which I LOVE to wear instead of being confined in runners--kind of ironic) so I spent the entire time in dirty feet which I had to keep going to the washroom to clean in order to help me feel better. Madness!
We went to a corn maze near the campsite which I swear we were walking around getting ourselves lost in for over an hour and Andrew thinks we were only in there a half hour. Being lost and not knowing your direction, on top of claustrophobia, dirty feet, and sweatiness made for an interesting time. It was fun; I was just extremely ready to be done with the maze by the end. We were with some friends which included their 3 year old daughter we call niece who didn't seem to notice any heat, dirt, or exhaustion. I wish I had that kind of ignorance--a blissful, peaceful kind of ignorance that makes the world a perfect place to be anywhere you are. We also had B with us running around barking and marking at every chance he got. He seemed to notice the heat a bit, his tongue permanently fixed to his chin the entire weekend. This was our first time bringing him camping with us and I'm glad we did. It got him a change of scenery that we're sure he was just finally adjusting to by the time we left. His breed makes him a bit protective of the pack, on guard most of the time, wide eyed at every noise and a warning bark at any passersby. The cutest thing was because he didn't have our bed to curl up to at bedtime, around the campfire the first night he circled around for snakes, dug a little hole, and curled up into his earthly makeshift bed. He usually retires around 2200-2300h every night signaling to us that it's bedtime even though that night we wanted a few more minutes enjoying the fire, so he made a bed right next to us. It's humbling how dogs can be so adaptable to any situation. We could take a lesson from them to make contentment with what you have.
All in all it was a good trip although I'm unbelievably happy to be home to my own bed that I don't have to share with another person and a dog who kick me to the edge all night, stealing my blankets--oh wait, I do--and my own shower complete with soap. As we were driving home, Andrew said he needed a vacation. I agreed. Camping is hard work. We are getting used to it though, the more we go the more conveniences we've accumulated and remembered to bring making it a little easier each time. 'And after dinner for the few hours around the campfire with family and or friends, while the sun sets and the stars begin to shine, for me, makes it all worth it. As much as I'm still recovering from the lack of sleep and the tired muscles, I can't wait to go again next year.
Just a note about my weight--I am shocked that with NO intentional exercise, not really watching my food, and adding all the s'mores and dutch oven cherry crunch that camping this week had to offer, I didn't gain any weight. It must be because we sweat out most of the extra pounds through heat and walking.
It was 30 degrees (okay maybe 28/29 degrees) every day--so hot and a bit miserable after any activity. I also can't stand having dirty feet; I hate the feel of having dry feet rubbing against dirt, dirt in my between my toes, and just feeling not clean feet. This was really bad because I decided to only bring flip flops (which I LOVE to wear instead of being confined in runners--kind of ironic) so I spent the entire time in dirty feet which I had to keep going to the washroom to clean in order to help me feel better. Madness!
We went to a corn maze near the campsite which I swear we were walking around getting ourselves lost in for over an hour and Andrew thinks we were only in there a half hour. Being lost and not knowing your direction, on top of claustrophobia, dirty feet, and sweatiness made for an interesting time. It was fun; I was just extremely ready to be done with the maze by the end. We were with some friends which included their 3 year old daughter we call niece who didn't seem to notice any heat, dirt, or exhaustion. I wish I had that kind of ignorance--a blissful, peaceful kind of ignorance that makes the world a perfect place to be anywhere you are. We also had B with us running around barking and marking at every chance he got. He seemed to notice the heat a bit, his tongue permanently fixed to his chin the entire weekend. This was our first time bringing him camping with us and I'm glad we did. It got him a change of scenery that we're sure he was just finally adjusting to by the time we left. His breed makes him a bit protective of the pack, on guard most of the time, wide eyed at every noise and a warning bark at any passersby. The cutest thing was because he didn't have our bed to curl up to at bedtime, around the campfire the first night he circled around for snakes, dug a little hole, and curled up into his earthly makeshift bed. He usually retires around 2200-2300h every night signaling to us that it's bedtime even though that night we wanted a few more minutes enjoying the fire, so he made a bed right next to us. It's humbling how dogs can be so adaptable to any situation. We could take a lesson from them to make contentment with what you have.
All in all it was a good trip although I'm unbelievably happy to be home to my own bed that I don't have to share with another person and a dog who kick me to the edge all night, stealing my blankets--oh wait, I do--and my own shower complete with soap. As we were driving home, Andrew said he needed a vacation. I agreed. Camping is hard work. We are getting used to it though, the more we go the more conveniences we've accumulated and remembered to bring making it a little easier each time. 'And after dinner for the few hours around the campfire with family and or friends, while the sun sets and the stars begin to shine, for me, makes it all worth it. As much as I'm still recovering from the lack of sleep and the tired muscles, I can't wait to go again next year.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Day 74
My faves of our first "real" family photos (by Arlee Greenwood)...
I'm picking up the rest of the photos this morning so there may be a few more I decide to sneak in here. I LOVE them and am so happy we finally have something that we can print and frame, and enjoy seeing around the house.
I'm picking up the rest of the photos this morning so there may be a few more I decide to sneak in here. I LOVE them and am so happy we finally have something that we can print and frame, and enjoy seeing around the house.Andrew and I have been saying forever that we can't wait to get healthy and spend money to take really nice pictures (versus the whole self timer thing that cuts out half of your face) when we're all slim and beautiful. We realized that while we're waiting, we have nothing of us for now. One year became two years, etc. and here we are now almost 6 years into our marriage without any real nice family pictures, aside from our wedding day. So we decided to splurge and enjoy ourselves together as we are now and when that day finally comes that we're "ready" to take pictures, we'll get to enjoy all these ones and not regret not having anything nice beforehand, as well as being able to see the comparisons of how we've grown.
I think if you love your family, you need to showcase yourselves in a nice picture whether you get them done by a professional, or you just go out in the yard and take them for the purpose of taking a family picture. Growing up with Mom, Dad, and my brothers, my family took all sorts of pictures for every holiday, every event, but never any professional pictures or something that said "no reason except that we love each other." Around my 20th birthday, Dad shocked me and suggested we get professional pictures taken. I have one of Dad, my little brother W, and I that I LOVE because to me it says, "We want to remember our family in this moment in time," and anything that Dad ever spent money on was something to treasure because it just did not happen. I'm sad that I don't have one with my mom, or my other brothers too. For some reason, to me there's something nostalgic and magical about having a proper photo taken--to me it says unity, love, forever. I'm so glad we did this now instead of putting it off any longer.
Day 73
I went in for my blood work this morning. The entire process of taking a number, checking in, waiting without an appointment, having blood drawn, having and EKG done, and peeing a cup lasted about 50 minutes--MUCH more reasonable than 4 hours at my last medical event. Can you tell I'm still bitter?
I suspect that I'm anemic again. Having been so tired for the last month and a half, I was getting a little worried. Usually when you start and exercise program, like I did 10 weeks ago, your body is in shock, is really tired, but then after 2-3 weeks you're supposed to start becoming conditioned to the increased work, gaining cardiovascular strength, etc. All that happened to me is I became more and MORE tired, tired to the point where I was sleeping those 3 hours naps in the middle of the day. Increasing my potassium after a workout, drinking lots of water, sleeping 8 hours a night--every suggestion I took to heart and did without any results.
Years and years ago, I was anemic. It was diagnosed through a routine physical exam from which I had no symptoms. I took iron supplements for about 6 months and then my levels were fine for about 10 years. I was even a regular blood donor--every 56 days--up until last October when my little blood drop didn't fall fast enough. See when you donate blood, you have to have just a smidgen over the normal amounts of iron in order for them to take a litre from you. At that time I was just in the normal limits. The nurses said I didn't have anything to worry about, I just couldn't give blood that day. Then holidays came around and things happened so we took a hiatus from giving blood, not thinking anything of it. Then I start this whole exercise thing and I am more tired than I have ever been. I start getting dizzy, lightheaded, sleeping 16 hours a day, unable to do my school work because I can't concentrate which stresses me out even more, started getting headaches again about a week ago. Something was not right. Then I started taking iron supplements and almost if by magic, I feel my energy returning. Fingers crossed there is a real connection between them. I'll get my lab results back sometime next week. It'll be interesting to see what happens!
Meals
1/2 dish chicken tikka masala (l/o)
approx 1 cup saffron rice
1 naan bread
4 cups of water
1 cup blueberries
1 cup strawberries
1 BabyBel Light cheese wheel
6 graham crackers
100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
2 cups of water
5 pieces of frozen pizza
4 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I hope everyone else in the world has those days where no, you do not have one more minute in the day to exercise. I keep saying it because I'm not really choosing not to exercise; I just have NO time this week.
I suspect that I'm anemic again. Having been so tired for the last month and a half, I was getting a little worried. Usually when you start and exercise program, like I did 10 weeks ago, your body is in shock, is really tired, but then after 2-3 weeks you're supposed to start becoming conditioned to the increased work, gaining cardiovascular strength, etc. All that happened to me is I became more and MORE tired, tired to the point where I was sleeping those 3 hours naps in the middle of the day. Increasing my potassium after a workout, drinking lots of water, sleeping 8 hours a night--every suggestion I took to heart and did without any results.
Years and years ago, I was anemic. It was diagnosed through a routine physical exam from which I had no symptoms. I took iron supplements for about 6 months and then my levels were fine for about 10 years. I was even a regular blood donor--every 56 days--up until last October when my little blood drop didn't fall fast enough. See when you donate blood, you have to have just a smidgen over the normal amounts of iron in order for them to take a litre from you. At that time I was just in the normal limits. The nurses said I didn't have anything to worry about, I just couldn't give blood that day. Then holidays came around and things happened so we took a hiatus from giving blood, not thinking anything of it. Then I start this whole exercise thing and I am more tired than I have ever been. I start getting dizzy, lightheaded, sleeping 16 hours a day, unable to do my school work because I can't concentrate which stresses me out even more, started getting headaches again about a week ago. Something was not right. Then I started taking iron supplements and almost if by magic, I feel my energy returning. Fingers crossed there is a real connection between them. I'll get my lab results back sometime next week. It'll be interesting to see what happens!
Meals
1/2 dish chicken tikka masala (l/o)
approx 1 cup saffron rice
1 naan bread
4 cups of water
1 cup blueberries
1 cup strawberries
1 BabyBel Light cheese wheel
6 graham crackers
100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
2 cups of water
5 pieces of frozen pizza
4 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I hope everyone else in the world has those days where no, you do not have one more minute in the day to exercise. I keep saying it because I'm not really choosing not to exercise; I just have NO time this week.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Day 72
I was up before Andrew left for work, so good for me. The Draino is in the tub, ready for me to wash it down with my early shower. The Draino is a monthly ritual. I really don't think you can help it when you have longish hair. I'm pumped that I'm up and feeling a bit better. I took an iron supplement before bed and it's either in my head or I've absorbed enough overnight to get me going today. It should take a few days before I feel much better if it's the iron deficiency, so maybe I took just enough to get me going? The true test whether it's in my head or not will come at around 1800h tonight when I see if I'm falling asleep before dinner.
I'm going to do my fast tonight and get my blood work done tomorrow morning. Once again I forgot about needing to quit eating, and stuffed my face full of Oreos at 2300h last night. I could walk in at 1100h this morning, but I will have to wait hours and I'm not willing to do that after my traumatic experience at the doc's last week. I'd rather wait another day and go in right when they open at 700h.
Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cherrios
1 cup skim milk
2 cups of water
5 oz filet mignon (l/o)
3 manicotti shells (l/o)
3 cups of water
1/4 cup hummus
1 tomato
1/2 cup cottage cheese
2 cups of water
1/2 dish of chicken tikka masala (approx 1.5 cups with 3 oz chicken?)
approx 1.5 cups saffron rice
1 piece naan bread
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I know I'm putting myself on the back burner right now with exercise, but I have too much to do at the moment. Plus with no energy, it hasn't been something I'm excited about doing. This will be temporary I'm sure.
I'm going to do my fast tonight and get my blood work done tomorrow morning. Once again I forgot about needing to quit eating, and stuffed my face full of Oreos at 2300h last night. I could walk in at 1100h this morning, but I will have to wait hours and I'm not willing to do that after my traumatic experience at the doc's last week. I'd rather wait another day and go in right when they open at 700h.
Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cherrios
1 cup skim milk
2 cups of water
5 oz filet mignon (l/o)
3 manicotti shells (l/o)
3 cups of water
1/4 cup hummus
1 tomato
1/2 cup cottage cheese
2 cups of water
1/2 dish of chicken tikka masala (approx 1.5 cups with 3 oz chicken?)
approx 1.5 cups saffron rice
1 piece naan bread
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I know I'm putting myself on the back burner right now with exercise, but I have too much to do at the moment. Plus with no energy, it hasn't been something I'm excited about doing. This will be temporary I'm sure.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Day 71--10 weeks (plus one day)
Weight: 331 pounds; +2 pounds this week; -18 pounds total
So this is the first time in 10 weeks that I've gained any weight. I know exactly why--because I haven't tried. Posting this is proving to myself that I'm not giving up.
I'm going to allow myself this speed bump and get over it. The only thing I can tell myself is to realize yes, I've made a mistake; yes, it's incredibly embarrassing; yes, it looks like a failure, but guess what--I'm here and I'm not giving up. You acknowledge your downfalls. You see what needs to change. You change.
Don't let the judgements you place on yourself dictate who you are.
On a brighter note, Andrew and I had our first family photos taken yesterday. We've been married over 5.5 years and the only real photos we have aside from taking the camera out and snapping a shot here and there, are of our wedding. The woman who took them, Arlee Greenwood, is an amazing photographer and does absolutely beautiful work. I cannot wait to get them back! Here is a teaser she put together about 4 hours after our session. The rest will come in about a week:
Keep moving forward...
Meals
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup blueberries
2 cups of water
2 fococcia buns
3/4 cup chicken breast
2 slices Havarti cheese
1 tbsp mayo
2 tsp mustard
1 cup spinach
1 tomato
4 pickle slices
2 cups water
20 gingersnaps
1 cup of milk
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
5 oz filet mignon with 2 tbsp BBQ sauce
2 manicotti shells with:
2 tbsp ricotta cheese
1 tbsp mozzarella cheese
1 tsp parmesan cheese
1 artichoke heart
1/2 cup raw spinach cooked
2 tbsp red and yellow bell peppers
approx 1/4 cup marinara sauce
2 cups of water
4 Oreo cookies
2 tbsp peanut butter
1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
1 cup of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I finally made the manicotti that I've been planning to make for almost a month! Those shells have been sitting on the counter taunting me. It was soooo good! Also as a heads up, we got the filet mignons at Costco and I must say they were the best, most tender fillets we have found yet--plus Andrew has become quite the grill master, so his BBQing expertise has a lot to do with it, I'm sure.
-This will not be a 6 days of exercise week, but hopefully I can fit it in tomorrow. I've made a tentative plan to meet a friend, so hopefully I won't be swayed to cancel on her. I literally have too much to do; I'm going to have to make sacrifices here and there. Although I don't want my health to be one of them, I realize that it's only temporary because I've just bitten off more than I can chew at the moment. Sad feelings especially when I'm trying to do better.
So this is the first time in 10 weeks that I've gained any weight. I know exactly why--because I haven't tried. Posting this is proving to myself that I'm not giving up.
I'm going to allow myself this speed bump and get over it. The only thing I can tell myself is to realize yes, I've made a mistake; yes, it's incredibly embarrassing; yes, it looks like a failure, but guess what--I'm here and I'm not giving up. You acknowledge your downfalls. You see what needs to change. You change.
Don't let the judgements you place on yourself dictate who you are.
On a brighter note, Andrew and I had our first family photos taken yesterday. We've been married over 5.5 years and the only real photos we have aside from taking the camera out and snapping a shot here and there, are of our wedding. The woman who took them, Arlee Greenwood, is an amazing photographer and does absolutely beautiful work. I cannot wait to get them back! Here is a teaser she put together about 4 hours after our session. The rest will come in about a week:
Keep moving forward...
Meals
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup blueberries
2 cups of water
2 fococcia buns
3/4 cup chicken breast
2 slices Havarti cheese
1 tbsp mayo
2 tsp mustard
1 cup spinach
1 tomato
4 pickle slices
2 cups water
20 gingersnaps
1 cup of milk
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
5 oz filet mignon with 2 tbsp BBQ sauce
2 manicotti shells with:
2 tbsp ricotta cheese
1 tbsp mozzarella cheese
1 tsp parmesan cheese
1 artichoke heart
1/2 cup raw spinach cooked
2 tbsp red and yellow bell peppers
approx 1/4 cup marinara sauce
2 cups of water
4 Oreo cookies
2 tbsp peanut butter
1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
1 cup of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I finally made the manicotti that I've been planning to make for almost a month! Those shells have been sitting on the counter taunting me. It was soooo good! Also as a heads up, we got the filet mignons at Costco and I must say they were the best, most tender fillets we have found yet--plus Andrew has become quite the grill master, so his BBQing expertise has a lot to do with it, I'm sure.
-This will not be a 6 days of exercise week, but hopefully I can fit it in tomorrow. I've made a tentative plan to meet a friend, so hopefully I won't be swayed to cancel on her. I literally have too much to do; I'm going to have to make sacrifices here and there. Although I don't want my health to be one of them, I realize that it's only temporary because I've just bitten off more than I can chew at the moment. Sad feelings especially when I'm trying to do better.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Day 65-70
I've been feeling very ill--still fighting this fatigue and anorexia (loss of appetite) thing. I went to see my doctor last Thursday which ended my day in tears, having to wait 4, yes FOUR, hours to be seen at my 1030h appointment. He's given me req's for blood work so I'm looking forward to the follow-up.
I've been disenchanted with keeping my blog postings up because of how crappy I'm feeling (and subsequent complaining) and how I'm not proud that I missed the gym Wednesday through Friday, today as well, and I've been eating horribly. It's like a downward spiral--I'm not eating so well so I feel worse, which makes me less motivated to try to do anything which makes me feel worse. I'm having a dark week.
Then we went on a weekend vacation with my in-laws that was very fun, but extremely draining. Andrew and I went on a bike ride for about 45 minutes after 3 hours of walking the town site where we were staying. I broke down in the middle of the bike ride, exhausted and feeling like a fat loser for not being able to keep peddling up a tiny incline. I told Andrew it was like having to do anything except while carrying a 12 year old on your back the entire time. No wonder us fatties are so lazy. Being fat is physically exhausting.
I'll be back tomorrow hopefully with a brighter attitude. I'm determined not to be a complainer. I'm trying to just state what's going on and trying not to be too hard on myself while trying not to justify my poor decisions to much. My biggest fear is failure and I feel like as long as I keep posting something, trying to dig myself out of this, I have not failed. I am resilient. I will fight this. I will come out on top.
I've been disenchanted with keeping my blog postings up because of how crappy I'm feeling (and subsequent complaining) and how I'm not proud that I missed the gym Wednesday through Friday, today as well, and I've been eating horribly. It's like a downward spiral--I'm not eating so well so I feel worse, which makes me less motivated to try to do anything which makes me feel worse. I'm having a dark week.
Then we went on a weekend vacation with my in-laws that was very fun, but extremely draining. Andrew and I went on a bike ride for about 45 minutes after 3 hours of walking the town site where we were staying. I broke down in the middle of the bike ride, exhausted and feeling like a fat loser for not being able to keep peddling up a tiny incline. I told Andrew it was like having to do anything except while carrying a 12 year old on your back the entire time. No wonder us fatties are so lazy. Being fat is physically exhausting.
I'll be back tomorrow hopefully with a brighter attitude. I'm determined not to be a complainer. I'm trying to just state what's going on and trying not to be too hard on myself while trying not to justify my poor decisions to much. My biggest fear is failure and I feel like as long as I keep posting something, trying to dig myself out of this, I have not failed. I am resilient. I will fight this. I will come out on top.
Day 64
I was going to make this yummy sounding spinach and ricotta manicotti tonight but by the time we were ready to eat, it would have taken too long so we ordered pizza instead. I'm getting so sick of eating restaurant food. I'm going to have to make dinner a priority and set up, and prep so I don't fall behind and then "run out of time" to make it. Andrew and I are so bad at this and we are horrible enablers to each other. I can't imagine how it is for families with two working parents and kids to feed. I imagine this is why so many more families are having obese children. As a society we're so overworked that the things we should be prioritizing have fallen by the wayside, so we find quicker alternatives in our already overworked and busy lives and it's just making us all fat, miserable, and crazy. I hope that I can move more aggressively into making the simple things more important for us. If dinner takes half of our free time together, what's wrong with spending time together making food and eating it together instead of quickly finding something and then watching TV together and not even interacting except for the grins here and there at the funny moments? It will be a change but it's so worth it. I desire to live more simply! It's difficult to be creative when your brain is mush.
Speaking of TV I spent a grand total of one hour this morning during breakfast watching. The rest of the time has been busy doing productive things. All I want to do is go zone out to relax but I want my mind to start working again. I have so much to do with my brain but TV is so luring. My dumb stupidness is rebelling against my intellect. 'Just keep telling myself to make conscious movements forward. My goal is to get stuff done before I'd even think about before in order to not procrastinate. There's nothing wrong with failure if I just try, and I will fail if I don't try. It makes sense.
Meals
2 Fibre One oats and chocolate bars
2 cups of skim milk
3 cups of water
1 hamburger (l/o)
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup artichoke hearts
1 cup of water
3 slices Papa John's pizza with 1 container garlic butter
2 cups of apple, pear, vanilla juice
1 kiwi
1 cup of water
Exercise
60 minutes iron reps class
Notes:
-I was at Costco and found a huge jar of artichoke hearts and they were all I could think of until I got home. Sooooooooooo good.
-I wasn't too pleased with my only one hour of exercise today but I was so tired during my routine that I didn't have energy to do another 10, 20, 60 minutes of cardio so I didn't. I told Andrew and he said something like "yeah but you still did 60 minutes, blah blah." I must learn to accept the positivity that he throws at me. Alright honey, you're always right. Thank you.
Speaking of TV I spent a grand total of one hour this morning during breakfast watching. The rest of the time has been busy doing productive things. All I want to do is go zone out to relax but I want my mind to start working again. I have so much to do with my brain but TV is so luring. My dumb stupidness is rebelling against my intellect. 'Just keep telling myself to make conscious movements forward. My goal is to get stuff done before I'd even think about before in order to not procrastinate. There's nothing wrong with failure if I just try, and I will fail if I don't try. It makes sense.
Meals
2 Fibre One oats and chocolate bars
2 cups of skim milk
3 cups of water
1 hamburger (l/o)
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup artichoke hearts
1 cup of water
3 slices Papa John's pizza with 1 container garlic butter
2 cups of apple, pear, vanilla juice
1 kiwi
1 cup of water
Exercise
60 minutes iron reps class
Notes:
-I was at Costco and found a huge jar of artichoke hearts and they were all I could think of until I got home. Sooooooooooo good.
-I wasn't too pleased with my only one hour of exercise today but I was so tired during my routine that I didn't have energy to do another 10, 20, 60 minutes of cardio so I didn't. I told Andrew and he said something like "yeah but you still did 60 minutes, blah blah." I must learn to accept the positivity that he throws at me. Alright honey, you're always right. Thank you.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Day 63--Week 9
Weight: 329 pounds; -.8 pounds this week; -20 pounds total
It sure looks like being sick, not exercising, and eating ice cream all week paid off...sigh. I'm amazed that I didn't gain any weight because a few days there with my belly feeling questionable, not knowing if it was because I was full from eating or full from being sick. This was a horrible week and I suggest not paying attention to it as I'd like to quickly forget it ever happened.
On the positive side, I am now officially at the weight I was when I started working out the first time in 2006 when my dad died. He abruptly passed of a heart attack that was most likely lifestyle related: high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, stress, anger management issues, alcoholism, sweet tooth, inactivity, you name it. At that time I vowed to change my life forever. I bought personal training sessions that lasted ONE YEAR and lost a grand total of 2 pounds. After one year, I went from 329 pounds all the way down to 327 pounds. My problem was I made my appointments twice a week, but did no other exercise at all, and didn't change my eating habits at all. I also didn't reflect or journal. I just thought doing the bare minimum would suffice. It did not. I was eating properly for a little while in the beginning, but I fell off the wagon. It was so all or nothing, and at the time I chose nothing. I thought as long as I'm moving, I'm better off than not. I suppose in some ways I was, but because really nothing had changed, it was a big waste of time.
So here I am now, at the same place I was 3.5 years ago. I'm proud of myself for moving backwards, making changes, and persevering. Even with a horrible week here and an embarrassing week there, I have a lot to show for it now. I may not be a huge WOW successful story at the moment, but my day will come where I can tell people how I struggled to lose this 200 pounds and I did it all myself. I'll share the tricks to make it easier--I've found this blog and my support system to be my lifesavers. 9 weeks in, or 63 days in, I'm still at the beginning and have the larger portion of obstacles to overcome, but look at how far I've come too. Already this is proving to be one of the most important things I have ever and will ever do in my own life and I'm holding on to that in every mistake and in every perfect moment.
Meals
1/2 bag Skillet Sensations chicken primavera (chicken, pasta, red peppers, carrots, seasonings)
1 kiwi
4 Oreos dipped in 2 tbsp peanut butter (a new found love)
2 cups of water
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 apple
2 cups of water
3 cups of water
other 1/2 bag of Skillet Sensations
1 fajita tortilla
1.5 oz steak
1/4 cup bell peppers, onions, tomatoes
a swipe of sour cream and guacamole
2 cups of water
1 whole wheat hamburger bun
3 oz ground beef hamburger patty with BBQ sauce for BBQ-ing
1/2 cup spinach
1/2 tomato
2 pickles slices
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Exercise
60 minutes interval hill treadmill (lower intensity than I'm used to--kept heart rate between 130-140 bpm)
6.5 minutes recumbent bike
35minutes lower body workout
15 minutes stretching
Notes:
-I have to say I ate what felt like a LOT of food today and still kept between my 1400-1800 calorie limit. I think there were much better choices than pizza and ice cream--:P.
-My exercise was less intense today because I'm still getting over being sick. I'm also still extremely fatigued for no good reason, or a plethora of reasons, and even started getting dizzy on the treadmill. I'm going to look into increasing my iron intake. I've been iron deficient anemic before so I'm assuming this is what it is since I still haven't mastered eating well and I'm nearly confident that I'm just missing nutrients to support all this activity. It's at least something to rule out. I've made an appointment for a physical on Thursday so we'll see what the doc says. I just want to make sure everything looks good. I missed my annual last year, so I'm anxious to get this year's (I usually get them around my birthday so I'm even 2 months late now). Anyhow, other than being really tired, today was a pretty good day and I'm so happy I did this well.
It sure looks like being sick, not exercising, and eating ice cream all week paid off...sigh. I'm amazed that I didn't gain any weight because a few days there with my belly feeling questionable, not knowing if it was because I was full from eating or full from being sick. This was a horrible week and I suggest not paying attention to it as I'd like to quickly forget it ever happened.
On the positive side, I am now officially at the weight I was when I started working out the first time in 2006 when my dad died. He abruptly passed of a heart attack that was most likely lifestyle related: high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, stress, anger management issues, alcoholism, sweet tooth, inactivity, you name it. At that time I vowed to change my life forever. I bought personal training sessions that lasted ONE YEAR and lost a grand total of 2 pounds. After one year, I went from 329 pounds all the way down to 327 pounds. My problem was I made my appointments twice a week, but did no other exercise at all, and didn't change my eating habits at all. I also didn't reflect or journal. I just thought doing the bare minimum would suffice. It did not. I was eating properly for a little while in the beginning, but I fell off the wagon. It was so all or nothing, and at the time I chose nothing. I thought as long as I'm moving, I'm better off than not. I suppose in some ways I was, but because really nothing had changed, it was a big waste of time.
So here I am now, at the same place I was 3.5 years ago. I'm proud of myself for moving backwards, making changes, and persevering. Even with a horrible week here and an embarrassing week there, I have a lot to show for it now. I may not be a huge WOW successful story at the moment, but my day will come where I can tell people how I struggled to lose this 200 pounds and I did it all myself. I'll share the tricks to make it easier--I've found this blog and my support system to be my lifesavers. 9 weeks in, or 63 days in, I'm still at the beginning and have the larger portion of obstacles to overcome, but look at how far I've come too. Already this is proving to be one of the most important things I have ever and will ever do in my own life and I'm holding on to that in every mistake and in every perfect moment.
Meals
1/2 bag Skillet Sensations chicken primavera (chicken, pasta, red peppers, carrots, seasonings)
1 kiwi
4 Oreos dipped in 2 tbsp peanut butter (a new found love)
2 cups of water
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 apple
2 cups of water
3 cups of water
other 1/2 bag of Skillet Sensations
1 fajita tortilla
1.5 oz steak
1/4 cup bell peppers, onions, tomatoes
a swipe of sour cream and guacamole
2 cups of water
1 whole wheat hamburger bun
3 oz ground beef hamburger patty with BBQ sauce for BBQ-ing
1/2 cup spinach
1/2 tomato
2 pickles slices
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Exercise
60 minutes interval hill treadmill (lower intensity than I'm used to--kept heart rate between 130-140 bpm)
6.5 minutes recumbent bike
35minutes lower body workout
15 minutes stretching
Notes:
-I have to say I ate what felt like a LOT of food today and still kept between my 1400-1800 calorie limit. I think there were much better choices than pizza and ice cream--:P.
-My exercise was less intense today because I'm still getting over being sick. I'm also still extremely fatigued for no good reason, or a plethora of reasons, and even started getting dizzy on the treadmill. I'm going to look into increasing my iron intake. I've been iron deficient anemic before so I'm assuming this is what it is since I still haven't mastered eating well and I'm nearly confident that I'm just missing nutrients to support all this activity. It's at least something to rule out. I've made an appointment for a physical on Thursday so we'll see what the doc says. I just want to make sure everything looks good. I missed my annual last year, so I'm anxious to get this year's (I usually get them around my birthday so I'm even 2 months late now). Anyhow, other than being really tired, today was a pretty good day and I'm so happy I did this well.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Day 62
I just finished a read of some comments from a few days back and commented. I don't think I've been clear with my little dilemma...
I've been debating whether or not I should stop making gym appointments with my friends because the times vary so much that it keeps me from maintaining a consistent schedule. This has nothing to do with my friends AT ALL, all I'm struggling with is the possibility that I'll have to stop making appointments with them, at least for the time being, in order to get myself on track and dig myself out of a huge hole.
I need to complete my last 6 courses before November 30th in order to take my final practicum in January. I'm only into 2 of the 6 courses, and I'm dragging my feet. I have this pressure to finish them, a very real deadline, yet all I do all day is go to the gym at the appointed time, then piddle around all day doing little things here and there, wasting much of my time on TV primarily.
My problem is not that my friends have weird schedules or schedules that "make" me disorganized because that is not the problem. The problem is that I'm so unorganized in everything else, that by making appointments at different times, there's no real set time that I've allotted for my studies. Because I'm not disciplined in completing my studies, I get stressed. I'm not disciplined because my mind wanders on everything else that I want or must do.
In no particular order:
-Lose weight
-Try for a baby
-Complete my 6 courses
-Complete my immigration paperwork--the second part going on 6 years now
-Renovate the house
-Sell the house
-De-clutter my home (I think I may have the beginnings of a serious hoarding issue)
-Make time for my dog
-Make time for my friends
-Magnify my callings
-Be a good wife
-Zone out on Big Brother, More to Love, Intervention, Obsessed, anything else on TV
I absolutely realize that many, many people have much, much more to do or worry about. I realize that my to-do list is one that many people would wish they had. I do not want to come across that I am complaining about any of this or ungrateful for the blessings I have in my to-do list. My problem is quite ironic. My brain only functions in an organized manner and I don't organize any of this--I'm very disorganized. I have the worst time management skills or lack thereof, and my list feels so huge that I freeze and allow myself the most time zoning out watching TV.
I think this is a lifestyle. I think it may have addictive traits. The first thing I do in the morning or when it's time for lunch is sit down on the couch and start watching. I'll find one show or something I TiVo'd and watch that promising myself that I'll only watch that one. 4 hours later I'll find myself still sitting there, zoned out. I shake my head, feel pathetic, that depression deepens my feelings of disdain for myself so I watch more to escape. I'll count down the minutes, okay, 30 minutes until I have to get ready for the gym; 20 minutes; 10 minutes; it's time but I'll set an alarm and watch for one snooze and hurry; oh my gosh, I have to go...and I'm late. This is my mentality for pretty much EVERYTHING in my life.
I HATE that I just wrote this. I feel pathetic. As with exercising and losing the weight that I already have, if I don't do something about it, it will never change. Maybe this is "doing" today, and I'll be inspired to change tomorrow because I'll have to report on my day. I don't want everyone to know that I'm a loser. I think I pull it off pretty well most of the time, and appear alright most of the time. I feel like writing this is giving away a secret that I want to keep. It's a dirty little secret that holds me back from life. I want to live.
Ugh. I'm going to post...
I've been debating whether or not I should stop making gym appointments with my friends because the times vary so much that it keeps me from maintaining a consistent schedule. This has nothing to do with my friends AT ALL, all I'm struggling with is the possibility that I'll have to stop making appointments with them, at least for the time being, in order to get myself on track and dig myself out of a huge hole.
I need to complete my last 6 courses before November 30th in order to take my final practicum in January. I'm only into 2 of the 6 courses, and I'm dragging my feet. I have this pressure to finish them, a very real deadline, yet all I do all day is go to the gym at the appointed time, then piddle around all day doing little things here and there, wasting much of my time on TV primarily.
My problem is not that my friends have weird schedules or schedules that "make" me disorganized because that is not the problem. The problem is that I'm so unorganized in everything else, that by making appointments at different times, there's no real set time that I've allotted for my studies. Because I'm not disciplined in completing my studies, I get stressed. I'm not disciplined because my mind wanders on everything else that I want or must do.
In no particular order:
-Lose weight
-Try for a baby
-Complete my 6 courses
-Complete my immigration paperwork--the second part going on 6 years now
-Renovate the house
-Sell the house
-De-clutter my home (I think I may have the beginnings of a serious hoarding issue)
-Make time for my dog
-Make time for my friends
-Magnify my callings
-Be a good wife
-Zone out on Big Brother, More to Love, Intervention, Obsessed, anything else on TV
I absolutely realize that many, many people have much, much more to do or worry about. I realize that my to-do list is one that many people would wish they had. I do not want to come across that I am complaining about any of this or ungrateful for the blessings I have in my to-do list. My problem is quite ironic. My brain only functions in an organized manner and I don't organize any of this--I'm very disorganized. I have the worst time management skills or lack thereof, and my list feels so huge that I freeze and allow myself the most time zoning out watching TV.
I think this is a lifestyle. I think it may have addictive traits. The first thing I do in the morning or when it's time for lunch is sit down on the couch and start watching. I'll find one show or something I TiVo'd and watch that promising myself that I'll only watch that one. 4 hours later I'll find myself still sitting there, zoned out. I shake my head, feel pathetic, that depression deepens my feelings of disdain for myself so I watch more to escape. I'll count down the minutes, okay, 30 minutes until I have to get ready for the gym; 20 minutes; 10 minutes; it's time but I'll set an alarm and watch for one snooze and hurry; oh my gosh, I have to go...and I'm late. This is my mentality for pretty much EVERYTHING in my life.
I HATE that I just wrote this. I feel pathetic. As with exercising and losing the weight that I already have, if I don't do something about it, it will never change. Maybe this is "doing" today, and I'll be inspired to change tomorrow because I'll have to report on my day. I don't want everyone to know that I'm a loser. I think I pull it off pretty well most of the time, and appear alright most of the time. I feel like writing this is giving away a secret that I want to keep. It's a dirty little secret that holds me back from life. I want to live.
Ugh. I'm going to post...
Friday, August 14, 2009
Day 60
Flu? I want to cry because I feel miserable.
I have to think that most people don't exercise and they eat comfort food when they're sick. I'm normalizing myself here attempting to not feel too pathetic about the last 3 days...I haven't even tried.
Meals
1 Fibre One caramel bar
2 cups of water
4 cups of water throughout the day
1 frozen thin crust personal pizza
1 cup of skim milk
9 gingersnaps
1 cup cookie dough ice cream
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I have to think that this is only temporary and it will pass. Don't think I'm not ashamed of any of this. So quickly people think that oh, you're just fat and lazy and don't want to change. When changing 29 years of life there's bound to be speed bumps you're not prepared for. Every day that I do this I have to make a conscious effort to think about what I need to/should eat, and prepare myself the time to go exercise--the process is still majorly flawed most of the time. I still have to shower before the gym because I feel gross and ugly if I don't. Being sick has thrown me for a loop. My emotional self has got the best of me and I have been feeling childish and just "not caring" about any of this. In the pit of my heart I care, but sometimes it's just easier not to. I have taken the easy road and let myself go for a few days. I think sometimes we should all be entitled to do that. I've worked hard and it's not like I'm throwing this away. I just need a little time to recuperate. Sorry for showing the dark side, but this is what it is. I'm resilient and a fighter, and I'm not going to let this set me back too far for too long.
I have to think that most people don't exercise and they eat comfort food when they're sick. I'm normalizing myself here attempting to not feel too pathetic about the last 3 days...I haven't even tried.
Meals
1 Fibre One caramel bar
2 cups of water
4 cups of water throughout the day
1 frozen thin crust personal pizza
1 cup of skim milk
9 gingersnaps
1 cup cookie dough ice cream
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I have to think that this is only temporary and it will pass. Don't think I'm not ashamed of any of this. So quickly people think that oh, you're just fat and lazy and don't want to change. When changing 29 years of life there's bound to be speed bumps you're not prepared for. Every day that I do this I have to make a conscious effort to think about what I need to/should eat, and prepare myself the time to go exercise--the process is still majorly flawed most of the time. I still have to shower before the gym because I feel gross and ugly if I don't. Being sick has thrown me for a loop. My emotional self has got the best of me and I have been feeling childish and just "not caring" about any of this. In the pit of my heart I care, but sometimes it's just easier not to. I have taken the easy road and let myself go for a few days. I think sometimes we should all be entitled to do that. I've worked hard and it's not like I'm throwing this away. I just need a little time to recuperate. Sorry for showing the dark side, but this is what it is. I'm resilient and a fighter, and I'm not going to let this set me back too far for too long.
Day 59
Ugh, 'feel like I'm getting the flu. Slept most of the day. Headache all day despite Excedrin and a bath. 'Don't feel like doing anything and don't really feel badly about that.
Meals
1/2 chicken Marsala (l/o)
1/3 cup garlic mashed potatoes (l/o)
1/2 bread stick (l/o)
1/2 cucumber
1/2 cup cottage cheese 1%MF
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Dairy Queen 1/4 pound cheese burger
Most of a basket of onion rings
Large cookie dough blizzard, extra stuff, no syrup
4 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I don't care.
Meals
1/2 chicken Marsala (l/o)
1/3 cup garlic mashed potatoes (l/o)
1/2 bread stick (l/o)
1/2 cucumber
1/2 cup cottage cheese 1%MF
2 cups of water
2 cups of water
Dairy Queen 1/4 pound cheese burger
Most of a basket of onion rings
Large cookie dough blizzard, extra stuff, no syrup
4 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-I don't care.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Day 58
That workout yesterday killed me. I'm so sore and have a fatigue hangover. I need a day off.
Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of milk
1 cup of water
2 tortillas
1/2 cup of beans
1/3 cup of yogurt
1/4 cup shredded cheese
2 cups spinach
1 tomato
8 ginger snaps
4 cups of water
Olive Garden:
the entire bowl of salad!--approx 4 cups
3 bread sticks
1/2 chicken Marsala approx 3 oz
1/3 cup garlic mashed potatoes
berries and sorbet dessert approx 3/4 cup sorbet, 1/2 cup berries
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-Olive Garden again...so yummy but so expensive and not as good for me as homemade food. My excuse is it's hard to make food at home when your kitchen floor has made your kitchen a disaster area and you can't move in there. I think I'm just being irresponsible and lazy, but it was a good date night so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. ;)
-My workout yesterday was too much. I'm feeling it today and can't move; feeling a bit sick. 'Taking a rest day.
Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of milk
1 cup of water
2 tortillas
1/2 cup of beans
1/3 cup of yogurt
1/4 cup shredded cheese
2 cups spinach
1 tomato
8 ginger snaps
4 cups of water
Olive Garden:
the entire bowl of salad!--approx 4 cups
3 bread sticks
1/2 chicken Marsala approx 3 oz
1/3 cup garlic mashed potatoes
berries and sorbet dessert approx 3/4 cup sorbet, 1/2 cup berries
2 cups of water
Exercise
None
Notes:
-Olive Garden again...so yummy but so expensive and not as good for me as homemade food. My excuse is it's hard to make food at home when your kitchen floor has made your kitchen a disaster area and you can't move in there. I think I'm just being irresponsible and lazy, but it was a good date night so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. ;)
-My workout yesterday was too much. I'm feeling it today and can't move; feeling a bit sick. 'Taking a rest day.
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