Day 100

Day 100 has arrived!!!

Instead of being able to celebrate an extreme milestone today, I'm celebrating a rebirth. Andrew and I just got back from a very fun and relaxing vacation which has left me invigorated and ready to take on the world. See, during vacations we end up having a long good sleep overnight every night, and wake up early-ish every morning to do all the fun stuff we want. Having practiced that for 2 weeks, I am almost in the habit of going to bed, and just waking up when I actually wake up in the morning instead of going back to sleep or taking my time being lazy. I have this renewed sense of longing for accomplishments and that sense is not masked by an overwhelming doom of perfectionism.

On vacay I was able to relax and take things as they came, preparing me for real life and giving myself the tools to adapt to change. I haven't lived like a creature of survival--if things aren't in my little categories and all ducks are lined in a row, I create this chaos all around me. The need to be organized was a label I branded myself with instead of using it as a tool to be more functional--something I have been trying to figure out. I think I may have a very novice insight into how this will all play out and how I can apply the new found ideas of relaxation translated into the business of real life. I need to be more laid back, go with the flow, accepting that I and every aspect of life is not perfect, and that is okay. I don't need to have every little thing in my life imprisoned by these unrealistic expectations; irrational deadlines. I have a deadline for losing weight, for baby making, for finishing school, for when which part of the house is going to be finished before another part can be started. All the deadlines make me crazy because I don't complete about 99% of them "on time" which kills me with more stress leading me to a miserable, guilty feeling of myself, making me unhappy, and leading me to not caring about my body, eating everything in sight (and subsequently skipping blog postings throwing away everything I've tried to build this thing on).

People have recently asked my why am I not posting every day anymore--am I giving up? Holy heck no! The few weeks before vacation I think I was feeling such a sense of doom that yes I could have given up. I would have rather given up than to pull myself along lying to everyone that my heart was in this while I was eating ice cream every day and not exercising because "I need time off." Are you kidding me? It's so easy to make excuses, fall into habits, justify your actions/believing your own lies. It's also easy to feel guilty and ashamed, and not want to to show everyone how down you are even though your actions are screaming them over your head anyway.

I was hesitant about taking our vacation because I needed to get school done by such and such date. Now that I've taken vacation there's no way I can finish in the time frame I had set up for myself. So I failed again, lengthening my end date from 5 years to 6 years now. This has been the biggest stressor in my life. I want to graduate before my veteran nurse grandmother dies. I want her to be proud of me and she tells me she is, but I feel like my degree will be proof. I don't feel like the last 4.5 years of school count until I get that degree. I feel like I disappoint her. She is, after all, 101 years old and I feel the pressure every day that I won't make it before she passes. She's the only one I still feel like I have to prove myself to. It kills me that I'm "unconventional" (better word for loser) in that I'm taking so long to complete my degree. My plan was to finish in 4 years and so because this plan has expired I feel like a loser. There are those expectations again. I haven't been able to tell myself to just enjoy my life. I can't take my career, money, or anything that I gain from those to the grave, so I need to be happy while I do this. This philosophy clashes with the philosophies of some people I truly admire and want to impress so it's hard to stand my ground and feel good about my decisions. But I own them, and am doing my best to feel good about them, and good about all the decisions in my whole life.

The only thing giving me hope is the support of my wonderful husband, along with the support of a few very close friends. I'm so grateful that they don't judge me, and if they do, that they support me anyway with open arms. I never have to be afraid with Andrew to tell him I've failed. He always lets me know it's not a failure, but a different way of doing it. There's no one correct way to live a life and I'm learning that.

Meals
Beef stroganoff (l/o)
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

2 mini pizza's
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water

1 1/2 cups whole wheat elbow macaroni (Hard Rock Cafe copycat recipe of Twisted Mac n Cheese)
1/4 cup mixed reduced fat cheeses (cheddar, Monterrey jack)
2 tbsp whole milk
2 tbsp 4 cheese Alfredo sauce
2 tbsp roasted red peppers
1 1/2 oz chicken thigh
3 croutons
1 tsp Parmesan cheese
1 cup torn raw spinach
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
2 tbsp raisins
1 tbsp walnut pieces
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I didn't schedule time to exercise and subsequently ran out of time. Ugh.

Day 99

Andrew's first day back at work, and I had an early appointment with an ENT. I've been having tinnitus (ringing in the ears) for quite some time now. My family doc sent me to the specialist to see if it was sinus related, related to my golf ball sized tonsils (normal size for me), or something else. I took a hearing test and passed with excellent hearing which baffles me. I suppose I used to have superhuman hearing and sight before because I experience a decrease in both, yet my tests always come out with excellent results. It's very frustrating to lose some of these senses yet told that I'm fine. At my recent eye exam I was told that my eyes have gotten worse from my "fuzzy 20/20" and I now have a "real" prescription for the glasses I wear while reading or driving at night. I'm not required to do this, but they help and I feel more confident when I do. Back to my hearing, I constantly have to look at people's mouths when they talk or I miss things. That's not excellent hearing to me, but I guess it is to them. Anyway, because they didn't find anything wrong, I'm being sent for an MRI to see if there's anything wrong with the little inner ear bones. I'm not looking forward to that. I'm claustrophobic so I have to go get a sedative to take with me as they don't provide them. I'll ask about my fear of flying then. Anyway, I'll have an appointment in 6 months so that's still a while yet.

Speaking of little inner ear bones, while on vacation Andrew and I went to Bodies...The Exhibition at the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas. http://www.luxor.com/attractions/attractions_bodies.aspx
The 3 inner ear bones were displayed and they were so tiny and cute! I'm just fascinated by anatomy and all else related (hence my nursing career kind of fits with that passion) and I loved it. I wish I had more time and my text books so I could actually remember what I was looking at. They had brief descriptions of what the specimens were and how they worked, but as much as I would see something and remember bits and pieces about it, there would be more that I would totally draw a blank on and couldn't describe it to myself, kicking myself in the brain the whole time. It was one of my favourite parts of our trip.

Anyway, I had a super productive day, refilled the fridge, made some phone calls, etc. I even made it to the gym...

Meals
2 croissants
2 eggs
2 pieces of cheese
1/2 cup orange juice

3 cups of water

1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cheese pizza minis
1/4 cup Mediterranean style yogurt
1 banana
2 cups of water

1 cup egg noodles (stroganoff)
3 oz lean ground beef
1/4 can reduced salt cream of mushroom
1/4 cup plain yogurt
3/4 cup wilted spinach
2 cups of water

Exercise
60 minutes treadmill intervals of walking, speed walking, and hill climbing
20 minutes upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I ate Burger King for breakfast because we didn't have anything to make food with, this is when I went to the grocery store after and picked up lots of good stuff.
-At the gym, I was speed walking and felt like I could run--so I did! I ended up jogging for a full minute, four times. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I haven't been a jogger in the past. It felt fantastic. I felt like I was totally pushing myself out of my comfort zone and felt that I actually had a real workout. There was a girl next to me jogging her entire workout--20 or 30 minutes I guess--and I felt funny to be the fat girl trying to jog, but at the same time I was the fat girl jogging while others were walking. It was a huge confidence boost. 'And now I know my ankle can finally handle it and I can do it. Yay me!

Day 98--Week 14

336.6 pounds; +5.6 pounds (in 20 days of vacation); -12.4 pounds total.

Our first day back consisted of many hours of cuddling B, and sleeping.

I wanted to come out even in my weight as we did go to the gym 3 times, but only 3 times (actually to Andrew's credit he went a total of 6 times). I really threw everything out the window since we didn't plan to make meals and ate out the entire time. But don't disregard my 3 workouts. That's never happened before on vacation where we actually planned to try to work out, plus all the days we did walking all day at amusement parks and swimming in the beach. It was one of the most active vacations we've had for sure. We just didn't do a fantastic job censoring what we ate. I'm still proud because it was all worth it and it wasn't a horrible gain (as I'm sure much of it is water retention from so much salt in restaurant food). We'll see in next week's weigh-in!