Day 74

My faves of our first "real" family photos (by Arlee Greenwood)...

I'm picking up the rest of the photos this morning so there may be a few more I decide to sneak in here. I LOVE them and am so happy we finally have something that we can print and frame, and enjoy seeing around the house.

Andrew and I have been saying forever that we can't wait to get healthy and spend money to take really nice pictures (versus the whole self timer thing that cuts out half of your face) when we're all slim and beautiful. We realized that while we're waiting, we have nothing of us for now. One year became two years, etc. and here we are now almost 6 years into our marriage without any real nice family pictures, aside from our wedding day. So we decided to splurge and enjoy ourselves together as we are now and when that day finally comes that we're "ready" to take pictures, we'll get to enjoy all these ones and not regret not having anything nice beforehand, as well as being able to see the comparisons of how we've grown.

I think if you love your family, you need to showcase yourselves in a nice picture whether you get them done by a professional, or you just go out in the yard and take them for the purpose of taking a family picture. Growing up with Mom, Dad, and my brothers, my family took all sorts of pictures for every holiday, every event, but never any professional pictures or something that said "no reason except that we love each other." Around my 20th birthday, Dad shocked me and suggested we get professional pictures taken. I have one of Dad, my little brother W, and I that I LOVE because to me it says, "We want to remember our family in this moment in time," and anything that Dad ever spent money on was something to treasure because it just did not happen. I'm sad that I don't have one with my mom, or my other brothers too. For some reason, to me there's something nostalgic and magical about having a proper photo taken--to me it says unity, love, forever. I'm so glad we did this now instead of putting it off any longer.

Day 73

I went in for my blood work this morning. The entire process of taking a number, checking in, waiting without an appointment, having blood drawn, having and EKG done, and peeing a cup lasted about 50 minutes--MUCH more reasonable than 4 hours at my last medical event. Can you tell I'm still bitter?

I suspect that I'm anemic again. Having been so tired for the last month and a half, I was getting a little worried. Usually when you start and exercise program, like I did 10 weeks ago, your body is in shock, is really tired, but then after 2-3 weeks you're supposed to start becoming conditioned to the increased work, gaining cardiovascular strength, etc. All that happened to me is I became more and MORE tired, tired to the point where I was sleeping those 3 hours naps in the middle of the day. Increasing my potassium after a workout, drinking lots of water, sleeping 8 hours a night--every suggestion I took to heart and did without any results.

Years and years ago, I was anemic. It was diagnosed through a routine physical exam from which I had no symptoms. I took iron supplements for about 6 months and then my levels were fine for about 10 years. I was even a regular blood donor--every 56 days--up until last October when my little blood drop didn't fall fast enough. See when you donate blood, you have to have just a smidgen over the normal amounts of iron in order for them to take a litre from you. At that time I was just in the normal limits. The nurses said I didn't have anything to worry about, I just couldn't give blood that day. Then holidays came around and things happened so we took a hiatus from giving blood, not thinking anything of it. Then I start this whole exercise thing and I am more tired than I have ever been. I start getting dizzy, lightheaded, sleeping 16 hours a day, unable to do my school work because I can't concentrate which stresses me out even more, started getting headaches again about a week ago. Something was not right. Then I started taking iron supplements and almost if by magic, I feel my energy returning. Fingers crossed there is a real connection between them. I'll get my lab results back sometime next week. It'll be interesting to see what happens!

Meals
1/2 dish chicken tikka masala (l/o)
approx 1 cup saffron rice
1 naan bread
4 cups of water

1 cup blueberries
1 cup strawberries
1 BabyBel Light cheese wheel
6 graham crackers
100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
2 cups of water

5 pieces of frozen pizza
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I hope everyone else in the world has those days where no, you do not have one more minute in the day to exercise. I keep saying it because I'm not really choosing not to exercise; I just have NO time this week.

Day 72

I was up before Andrew left for work, so good for me. The Draino is in the tub, ready for me to wash it down with my early shower. The Draino is a monthly ritual. I really don't think you can help it when you have longish hair. I'm pumped that I'm up and feeling a bit better. I took an iron supplement before bed and it's either in my head or I've absorbed enough overnight to get me going today. It should take a few days before I feel much better if it's the iron deficiency, so maybe I took just enough to get me going? The true test whether it's in my head or not will come at around 1800h tonight when I see if I'm falling asleep before dinner.

I'm going to do my fast tonight and get my blood work done tomorrow morning. Once again I forgot about needing to quit eating, and stuffed my face full of Oreos at 2300h last night. I could walk in at 1100h this morning, but I will have to wait hours and I'm not willing to do that after my traumatic experience at the doc's last week. I'd rather wait another day and go in right when they open at 700h.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cherrios
1 cup skim milk
2 cups of water

5 oz filet mignon (l/o)
3 manicotti shells (l/o)
3 cups of water

1/4 cup hummus
1 tomato
1/2 cup cottage cheese
2 cups of water

1/2 dish of chicken tikka masala (approx 1.5 cups with 3 oz chicken?)
approx 1.5 cups saffron rice
1 piece naan bread
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I know I'm putting myself on the back burner right now with exercise, but I have too much to do at the moment. Plus with no energy, it hasn't been something I'm excited about doing. This will be temporary I'm sure.

Day 71--10 weeks (plus one day)

Weight: 331 pounds; +2 pounds this week; -18 pounds total

So this is the first time in 10 weeks that I've gained any weight. I know exactly why--because I haven't tried. Posting this is proving to myself that I'm not giving up.
I'm going to allow myself this speed bump and get over it. The only thing I can tell myself is to realize yes, I've made a mistake; yes, it's incredibly embarrassing; yes, it looks like a failure, but guess what--I'm here and I'm not giving up. You acknowledge your downfalls. You see what needs to change. You change.

Don't let the judgements you place on yourself dictate who you are.

On a brighter note, Andrew and I had our first family photos taken yesterday. We've been married over 5.5 years and the only real photos we have aside from taking the camera out and snapping a shot here and there, are of our wedding. The woman who took them, Arlee Greenwood, is an amazing photographer and does absolutely beautiful work. I cannot wait to get them back! Here is a teaser she put together about 4 hours after our session. The rest will come in about a week:
Keep moving forward...

Meals
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup blueberries
2 cups of water

2 fococcia buns
3/4 cup chicken breast
2 slices Havarti cheese
1 tbsp mayo
2 tsp mustard
1 cup spinach
1 tomato
4 pickle slices
2 cups water

20 gingersnaps
1 cup of milk
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

5 oz filet mignon with 2 tbsp BBQ sauce
2 manicotti shells with:
2 tbsp ricotta cheese
1 tbsp mozzarella cheese
1 tsp parmesan cheese
1 artichoke heart
1/2 cup raw spinach cooked
2 tbsp red and yellow bell peppers
approx 1/4 cup marinara sauce
2 cups of water

4 Oreo cookies
2 tbsp peanut butter
1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
1 cup of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I finally made the manicotti that I've been planning to make for almost a month! Those shells have been sitting on the counter taunting me. It was soooo good! Also as a heads up, we got the filet mignons at Costco and I must say they were the best, most tender fillets we have found yet--plus Andrew has become quite the grill master, so his BBQing expertise has a lot to do with it, I'm sure.
-This will not be a 6 days of exercise week, but hopefully I can fit it in tomorrow. I've made a tentative plan to meet a friend, so hopefully I won't be swayed to cancel on her. I literally have too much to do; I'm going to have to make sacrifices here and there. Although I don't want my health to be one of them, I realize that it's only temporary because I've just bitten off more than I can chew at the moment. Sad feelings especially when I'm trying to do better.

Day 65-70

I've been feeling very ill--still fighting this fatigue and anorexia (loss of appetite) thing. I went to see my doctor last Thursday which ended my day in tears, having to wait 4, yes FOUR, hours to be seen at my 1030h appointment. He's given me req's for blood work so I'm looking forward to the follow-up.

I've been disenchanted with keeping my blog postings up because of how crappy I'm feeling (and subsequent complaining) and how I'm not proud that I missed the gym Wednesday through Friday, today as well, and I've been eating horribly. It's like a downward spiral--I'm not eating so well so I feel worse, which makes me less motivated to try to do anything which makes me feel worse. I'm having a dark week.

Then we went on a weekend vacation with my in-laws that was very fun, but extremely draining. Andrew and I went on a bike ride for about 45 minutes after 3 hours of walking the town site where we were staying. I broke down in the middle of the bike ride, exhausted and feeling like a fat loser for not being able to keep peddling up a tiny incline. I told Andrew it was like having to do anything except while carrying a 12 year old on your back the entire time. No wonder us fatties are so lazy. Being fat is physically exhausting.

I'll be back tomorrow hopefully with a brighter attitude. I'm determined not to be a complainer. I'm trying to just state what's going on and trying not to be too hard on myself while trying not to justify my poor decisions to much. My biggest fear is failure and I feel like as long as I keep posting something, trying to dig myself out of this, I have not failed. I am resilient. I will fight this. I will come out on top.

Day 64

I was going to make this yummy sounding spinach and ricotta manicotti tonight but by the time we were ready to eat, it would have taken too long so we ordered pizza instead. I'm getting so sick of eating restaurant food. I'm going to have to make dinner a priority and set up, and prep so I don't fall behind and then "run out of time" to make it. Andrew and I are so bad at this and we are horrible enablers to each other. I can't imagine how it is for families with two working parents and kids to feed. I imagine this is why so many more families are having obese children. As a society we're so overworked that the things we should be prioritizing have fallen by the wayside, so we find quicker alternatives in our already overworked and busy lives and it's just making us all fat, miserable, and crazy. I hope that I can move more aggressively into making the simple things more important for us. If dinner takes half of our free time together, what's wrong with spending time together making food and eating it together instead of quickly finding something and then watching TV together and not even interacting except for the grins here and there at the funny moments? It will be a change but it's so worth it. I desire to live more simply! It's difficult to be creative when your brain is mush.

Speaking of TV I spent a grand total of one hour this morning during breakfast watching. The rest of the time has been busy doing productive things. All I want to do is go zone out to relax but I want my mind to start working again. I have so much to do with my brain but TV is so luring. My dumb stupidness is rebelling against my intellect. 'Just keep telling myself to make conscious movements forward. My goal is to get stuff done before I'd even think about before in order to not procrastinate. There's nothing wrong with failure if I just try, and I will fail if I don't try. It makes sense.

Meals
2 Fibre One oats and chocolate bars
2 cups of skim milk

3 cups of water

1 hamburger (l/o)
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup artichoke hearts
1 cup of water

3 slices Papa John's pizza with 1 container garlic butter
2 cups of apple, pear, vanilla juice

1 kiwi
1 cup of water

Exercise
60 minutes iron reps class

Notes:
-I was at Costco and found a huge jar of artichoke hearts and they were all I could think of until I got home. Sooooooooooo good.
-I wasn't too pleased with my only one hour of exercise today but I was so tired during my routine that I didn't have energy to do another 10, 20, 60 minutes of cardio so I didn't. I told Andrew and he said something like "yeah but you still did 60 minutes, blah blah." I must learn to accept the positivity that he throws at me. Alright honey, you're always right. Thank you.

Day 63--Week 9

Weight: 329 pounds; -.8 pounds this week; -20 pounds total

It sure looks like being sick, not exercising, and eating ice cream all week paid off...sigh. I'm amazed that I didn't gain any weight because a few days there with my belly feeling questionable, not knowing if it was because I was full from eating or full from being sick. This was a horrible week and I suggest not paying attention to it as I'd like to quickly forget it ever happened.

On the positive side, I am now officially at the weight I was when I started working out the first time in 2006 when my dad died. He abruptly passed of a heart attack that was most likely lifestyle related: high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, stress, anger management issues, alcoholism, sweet tooth, inactivity, you name it. At that time I vowed to change my life forever. I bought personal training sessions that lasted ONE YEAR and lost a grand total of 2 pounds. After one year, I went from 329 pounds all the way down to 327 pounds. My problem was I made my appointments twice a week, but did no other exercise at all, and didn't change my eating habits at all. I also didn't reflect or journal. I just thought doing the bare minimum would suffice. It did not. I was eating properly for a little while in the beginning, but I fell off the wagon. It was so all or nothing, and at the time I chose nothing. I thought as long as I'm moving, I'm better off than not. I suppose in some ways I was, but because really nothing had changed, it was a big waste of time.

So here I am now, at the same place I was 3.5 years ago. I'm proud of myself for moving backwards, making changes, and persevering. Even with a horrible week here and an embarrassing week there, I have a lot to show for it now. I may not be a huge WOW successful story at the moment, but my day will come where I can tell people how I struggled to lose this 200 pounds and I did it all myself. I'll share the tricks to make it easier--I've found this blog and my support system to be my lifesavers. 9 weeks in, or 63 days in, I'm still at the beginning and have the larger portion of obstacles to overcome, but look at how far I've come too. Already this is proving to be one of the most important things I have ever and will ever do in my own life and I'm holding on to that in every mistake and in every perfect moment.

Meals
1/2 bag Skillet Sensations chicken primavera (chicken, pasta, red peppers, carrots, seasonings)
1 kiwi
4 Oreos dipped in 2 tbsp peanut butter (a new found love)
2 cups of water

1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 apple
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

other 1/2 bag of Skillet Sensations
1 fajita tortilla
1.5 oz steak
1/4 cup bell peppers, onions, tomatoes
a swipe of sour cream and guacamole
2 cups of water

1 whole wheat hamburger bun
3 oz ground beef hamburger patty with BBQ sauce for BBQ-ing
1/2 cup spinach
1/2 tomato
2 pickles slices
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
60 minutes interval hill treadmill (lower intensity than I'm used to--kept heart rate between 130-140 bpm)
6.5 minutes recumbent bike
35minutes lower body workout
15 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I have to say I ate what felt like a LOT of food today and still kept between my 1400-1800 calorie limit. I think there were much better choices than pizza and ice cream--:P.
-My exercise was less intense today because I'm still getting over being sick. I'm also still extremely fatigued for no good reason, or a plethora of reasons, and even started getting dizzy on the treadmill. I'm going to look into increasing my iron intake. I've been iron deficient anemic before so I'm assuming this is what it is since I still haven't mastered eating well and I'm nearly confident that I'm just missing nutrients to support all this activity. It's at least something to rule out. I've made an appointment for a physical on Thursday so we'll see what the doc says. I just want to make sure everything looks good. I missed my annual last year, so I'm anxious to get this year's (I usually get them around my birthday so I'm even 2 months late now). Anyhow, other than being really tired, today was a pretty good day and I'm so happy I did this well.

Day 62

I just finished a read of some comments from a few days back and commented. I don't think I've been clear with my little dilemma...
I've been debating whether or not I should stop making gym appointments with my friends because the times vary so much that it keeps me from maintaining a consistent schedule. This has nothing to do with my friends AT ALL, all I'm struggling with is the possibility that I'll have to stop making appointments with them, at least for the time being, in order to get myself on track and dig myself out of a huge hole.

I need to complete my last 6 courses before November 30th in order to take my final practicum in January. I'm only into 2 of the 6 courses, and I'm dragging my feet. I have this pressure to finish them, a very real deadline, yet all I do all day is go to the gym at the appointed time, then piddle around all day doing little things here and there, wasting much of my time on TV primarily.

My problem is not that my friends have weird schedules or schedules that "make" me disorganized because that is not the problem. The problem is that I'm so unorganized in everything else, that by making appointments at different times, there's no real set time that I've allotted for my studies. Because I'm not disciplined in completing my studies, I get stressed. I'm not disciplined because my mind wanders on everything else that I want or must do.

In no particular order:
-Lose weight
-Try for a baby
-Complete my 6 courses
-Complete my immigration paperwork--the second part going on 6 years now
-Renovate the house
-Sell the house
-De-clutter my home (I think I may have the beginnings of a serious hoarding issue)
-Make time for my dog
-Make time for my friends
-Magnify my callings
-Be a good wife
-Zone out on Big Brother, More to Love, Intervention, Obsessed, anything else on TV

I absolutely realize that many, many people have much, much more to do or worry about. I realize that my to-do list is one that many people would wish they had. I do not want to come across that I am complaining about any of this or ungrateful for the blessings I have in my to-do list. My problem is quite ironic. My brain only functions in an organized manner and I don't organize any of this--I'm very disorganized. I have the worst time management skills or lack thereof, and my list feels so huge that I freeze and allow myself the most time zoning out watching TV.

I think this is a lifestyle. I think it may have addictive traits. The first thing I do in the morning or when it's time for lunch is sit down on the couch and start watching. I'll find one show or something I TiVo'd and watch that promising myself that I'll only watch that one. 4 hours later I'll find myself still sitting there, zoned out. I shake my head, feel pathetic, that depression deepens my feelings of disdain for myself so I watch more to escape. I'll count down the minutes, okay, 30 minutes until I have to get ready for the gym; 20 minutes; 10 minutes; it's time but I'll set an alarm and watch for one snooze and hurry; oh my gosh, I have to go...and I'm late. This is my mentality for pretty much EVERYTHING in my life.

I HATE that I just wrote this. I feel pathetic. As with exercising and losing the weight that I already have, if I don't do something about it, it will never change. Maybe this is "doing" today, and I'll be inspired to change tomorrow because I'll have to report on my day. I don't want everyone to know that I'm a loser. I think I pull it off pretty well most of the time, and appear alright most of the time. I feel like writing this is giving away a secret that I want to keep. It's a dirty little secret that holds me back from life. I want to live.

Ugh. I'm going to post...

Day 61

...a sick blur...

Day 60

Flu? I want to cry because I feel miserable.

I have to think that most people don't exercise and they eat comfort food when they're sick. I'm normalizing myself here attempting to not feel too pathetic about the last 3 days...I haven't even tried.

Meals
1 Fibre One caramel bar
2 cups of water

4 cups of water throughout the day

1 frozen thin crust personal pizza
1 cup of skim milk
9 gingersnaps
1 cup cookie dough ice cream
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I have to think that this is only temporary and it will pass. Don't think I'm not ashamed of any of this. So quickly people think that oh, you're just fat and lazy and don't want to change. When changing 29 years of life there's bound to be speed bumps you're not prepared for. Every day that I do this I have to make a conscious effort to think about what I need to/should eat, and prepare myself the time to go exercise--the process is still majorly flawed most of the time. I still have to shower before the gym because I feel gross and ugly if I don't. Being sick has thrown me for a loop. My emotional self has got the best of me and I have been feeling childish and just "not caring" about any of this. In the pit of my heart I care, but sometimes it's just easier not to. I have taken the easy road and let myself go for a few days. I think sometimes we should all be entitled to do that. I've worked hard and it's not like I'm throwing this away. I just need a little time to recuperate. Sorry for showing the dark side, but this is what it is. I'm resilient and a fighter, and I'm not going to let this set me back too far for too long.

Day 59

Ugh, 'feel like I'm getting the flu. Slept most of the day. Headache all day despite Excedrin and a bath. 'Don't feel like doing anything and don't really feel badly about that.

Meals
1/2 chicken Marsala (l/o)
1/3 cup garlic mashed potatoes (l/o)
1/2 bread stick (l/o)
1/2 cucumber
1/2 cup cottage cheese 1%MF
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Dairy Queen 1/4 pound cheese burger
Most of a basket of onion rings
Large cookie dough blizzard, extra stuff, no syrup
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I don't care.

Day 58

That workout yesterday killed me. I'm so sore and have a fatigue hangover. I need a day off.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of milk
1 cup of water

2 tortillas
1/2 cup of beans
1/3 cup of yogurt
1/4 cup shredded cheese
2 cups spinach
1 tomato
8 ginger snaps
4 cups of water

Olive Garden:
the entire bowl of salad!--approx 4 cups
3 bread sticks
1/2 chicken Marsala approx 3 oz
1/3 cup garlic mashed potatoes
berries and sorbet dessert approx 3/4 cup sorbet, 1/2 cup berries
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Olive Garden again...so yummy but so expensive and not as good for me as homemade food. My excuse is it's hard to make food at home when your kitchen floor has made your kitchen a disaster area and you can't move in there. I think I'm just being irresponsible and lazy, but it was a good date night so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. ;)
-My workout yesterday was too much. I'm feeling it today and can't move; feeling a bit sick. 'Taking a rest day.

Day 57

I've been debating whether or not I should stop working out with my friends in order to go to the gym keeping a regular schedule so that I feel like I can fit in more things during the day. With the way it is now, my schedule is all over the place jumping here and there. Because my mind wants to work in an organized fashion, this being flexible nonsense is starting to wear on me! It's such a major dilemma because working out with my friends not only has kept me motivated, and not only has made the workouts go by faster and stay fun, but it's a major social time for me. It's almost worth having this messed up schedule so that I can have that time to vent or get my thoughts somewhere else, or just have girl talk and laugh. I'm not able to go out much because of all the millions of things Andrew and I are doing at home right now.
Where's the balance here?

I want to workout at the same time everyday. I want to study, clean the house, make dinner, at the same times everyday. My mind just feels like it's more productive that way.
I don't want to drop my friends but I think I have to if only to get to a point where I'm not feeling like I'm in this procrastination crunch. I'm feeling very unproductive and time is getting shorter. This is killing me.

Meals
1 bowl Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of milk
2 cups of water

1 whole wheat pita
1/4 cup hummus
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cucumber
1 tomato
1 apple
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

1 Fibre One peanut butter bar

1 Whopper with cheese
3/4 Angry Whopper

Exercise
30 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching
69 minutes of steady pace treadmill, no incline
30 minutes lower body machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I started out with good food then after my 2.5 hour workout didn't really care anymore because I was so done and didn't want to think of coming home to make dinner. Andrew was putting in more of the kitchen floor so take out was the way to go tonight. I have to honestly say, it was disgusting. I kept having to squeeze mayo out because when I bit in to the burger that's all I could feel in my mouth. My tastes have definitely changed. There was a time where I was adding MORE mayo to these things. PUKE!
-I may have over done the workout today. I met one friend to do our normal strength training workout, then met another friend to do an entire cardio/strength workout. I think if I were to have split these workouts up during the day, it wouldn't have been so bad but I was exhausted afterwards. I'm not going to do that again.

Day 56--Week 8--Month 2

Monthly Measurements:

Weight: 329.8 pounds; -1.4 this week; -19.2 total
Body: 49.5-50.5-66.5 inches; -1.5, -1.5, -.5 this month; -2.5, -3.5, -1.5 total
Arm: 18 inches; -.5 this month; -1 total
Thigh: 35 inches; +.5 this month; -.5 total
Calf: 20 inches; -1.5 this month; -.5 total

Top size: 3X; -1X this month; -1X total
Bottom size: 4X-5X; -.5X this month; -.5X total
Ring size: 8; no change

BMI: 53.2; -.8 this month; -2.3 total; current goal 29.9
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Last Friday I noticed that my workout clothes were getting loose on me. I've noticed a big change in my sports bra--the thing doesn't hold anything in anymore, and my yoga pants are getting loose in the rear. I decided to go try on a few things to see if it was actually me getting smaller or if it was my imagination and I was just wearing out my clothes. I tried on a 3X sports bra and to my surprise, it fit! Then I tried a 4X yoga pant. Although it fit, my thighs are still quite chunky and didn't feel comfortable getting something that fit so snug so I didn't buy any and will just deal with my current yoga pants as they still fit, but not at tightly anymore. I'll wait to make that purchase when I can hide the chunky thighs a bit more. What a totally awesome accomplishment! I've never had to go buy new clothes because the ones I wore were too small. It has always been the other way around. Although it's difficult to try to dress a changing body, I'll take the challenge any day!

The biggest thing I noticed were in the jeans I tried on. The store I shop at only goes up to size 28 in the cute clothes, and I've seen a few size 30's here and there but nothing I'd ever want to wear. So I took the size 28 jeans into the dressing room and braced for the battle of fitting every fat bulge in. To my astonishment, the jeans went up my legs with minimal jumping--just a bit of squirming. The jeans zipped and buttoned, but only just. The rest of me hung over the waist and I thought just because I can wear them, doesn't mean I should. This is major because the last time I went shopping for jeans, most of the 28's either didn't even touch zipper to zipper, or didn't even make it over my hips. I'm getting there.

With all of this encouragement, I still feel like I could be doing more. I don't mean turning my 2 hour workouts into 3 or 4 hours--I mean turning that pizza into more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I've been talking about this all week it seems, kind of psyching myself up to the challenge I'm about to take on this week. Although I believe in balance, I perhaps used that as an excuse to fit in desserty items all over the place disguising my bad behaviours for good ones--oh, look at me, not cheese or mayo.

I do believe in making better choices and enjoying the food you love without saying no and then being deprived. I also believe in feeding your body good whole nutrients that will sustain it and keep it healthy on the inside and outside. I feel like what I've been doing is no different than someone who is losing weight by eating candy bars all day because that's all they have. The point was brought to my attention that if I consume more nutrient dense foods, I could eat so much more in volume while still making my calories, therefore being able to feed my body with those special nutrients it needs to stave off the tiredness. I haven't had a problem being hungry except for right after my workouts. I haven't felt the afternoon binge like I used to. It's now replaced by an overwhelming sense of fatigue. My body's talking to me and I'm not listening. What I'm doing is working, but it's not at the same time.

As I've said before my goal is to not die prematurely and to live in a state of optimal health. My naps and fatigue are not optimal, so something must change. What I love about what I've done so far is that I've taken this step by step and not tried to "go on a diet" but change my lifestyle. You've seen my poor food choices, and now it's time to reinvent what I eat and see if that makes a difference. Because I won't be fighting daily to go for a workout because I just love my workouts now and will go no matter what, I don't have much in the way to start changing my meals around.

I had this all or nothing attitude forever and maybe that's what's kept me for ever staying on a diet and losing weight. I'd think that if I was working out and "dieting" there's no room for desserts here and there so my diets wouldn't last because I would be so deprived that it just wasn't worth it. I can still allow myself these treats, but keep them as treats--perhaps once a week instead of daily.

Already I fear failure this week because I have a dinner obligation at my favourite Chinese dinner buffet tonight and so that will take the place of home cooked nutrition. When things like this happen, I think the best thing to do is to have a plan. I'm going to eat really well today and just not go overboard tonight. What would I eat at home? I'd have one plate of dinner. I'll do the same tonight. Is tonight a dessert night? No, I'd rather have something really delicious than those desserts they serve so I'll make sure to pass. This is my plan and now I'm prepared for when I see those little treats. IF they have those mini cupcakes (it's hit and miss) that I love, I will indulge in ONE. I think one of those mini cupcakes is about 125 calories after the jelly and frosting. I LOVE them so I won't deprive myself of the opportunity to taste it, but I will taste it and not make it a second meal. Wish me luck!

Meals
2 whole grain tortillas
3 eggs
1/3 cup of shredded cheese
1 tsp of taco sauce
1 kiwi
1 cup of milk
2 cups of water

1 Fibre Plus chocolate and peanut butter bar
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

China Rose-1 plate:
1/2 plate of broccoli/bok choy approx 2.5 cups
4 chicken balls
4 fried squid with approx 3 tbsp sweet and sour sauce
1/2 cup fried rice
1/2 cup various shrimp dishes
ONE mini strawberry vanilla cupcake
2 cups of water

Exercise
20 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes iron reps class (cardio and free weights)
30 minutes upper body free weights, machines, abs
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I stuck to my eating plan exactly for the buffet--awesome. I was very hungry during my workout having missed lunch which I regret, but I was so busy that I forgot to make something so I ended up with a fibre bar. Ugh, don't work out on an empty stomach.
-My workout was mixed up a bit because of the errands I was running, I made it late the gym, then had to leave right away for the dinner. I did what I could and it was still okay. Whenever I don't get more than 50 minutes of cardio I hate my workout, but meh.

Day 55

Just a food diary today...this is so embarrassing especially how I was ranting about needing to develop better eating habits this coming week, etc. But I guess this is what it is and all I can do is move forward from here. Sorry if this makes you want to hurl:

Meals
Fasted for breakfast because I forgot to last Fast Sunday

4 slices pizza
1 bottle of cream soda
2 cups of water

approx 20 ginger snaps (that's like 4 servings)
2 cups of water

4 slices of pizza (l/o)
2 cups of water

5 more ginger snaps
1 cup of milk

Exercise
None

Notes:
-When you screw up and everyone's watching, it's much more difficult to get away with.

Day 54

I have been over training or something. Usually when you start exercising regularly, your body starts to feel better, become more energized, and just works better. Although my body feels better and works better, I am still so exhausted! I still nap nearly every day and if I don't, I feel like a zombie. While working out yesterday, I just had the quad exercises left for my lower body and I quit. I did maybe 3 reps before I sat down and just quit. I was dizzy and tired, and felt like I was going to throw up. Granted that morning I fed myself disgusting fat greasy fast food sandwicheS with donutS so that wasn't a great start, but geez. I think I wasn't getting enough water too? It has been really humid here lately, and today it was hot again which can be very draining.

I THINK, however, it's all my diet. I've looked back for a few weeks now and holy crap, I am not eating well at all. I've made little changes here and there, passing on cheese and mayo, or desserts, but I'm still eating lots of desserts and I'm not eating enough vegetables--those yummy things that grow from the ground, not sprout out of packages. Those delicious little veggies are packed full of nutrients that I'm not getting and I need. What's difficult is finding time to prepare them and I find myself eating spinach salads all the time but what the body needs is variety.

It's overwhelming feeling like this--passing a milestone date long in to everything now, and still feeling like my energy is lost and gone forever.

It may be time to get a physical and blood work just to see if there are any discrepancies, and also time to consult a nutritionist.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Meals
1 Fibre Plus chocolate and peanut butter bar
1 apple
2 cups of water

Olive Garden braised beef and tortelloni 1/2 serving
3 breadsticks
1/2 ceaser salad
2.5X2.5X2 custard dessert
2 cups of water

Olive Garden (l/o) other halves--tortelloni & salad
2 cups of water

3 pieces thin crust spinach frozen pizza
1 cup of water

Exercise
Non-intentional extra activity-walked the "big" dog park for one hour

Notes:
-I've thought a lot about my nutrition today and I ran out of time to make a plan, but I'll begin planning my meals tomorrow and shop for the ingredients on Monday. It's time to be more critical in my decisions; time to move on from "small, better choices" to better meals overall.
-I don't feel burnt out yet, but it is a true possibility that I may be headed there. I passed on pilates today but made sure to do something. The "big" dog park was the compromise.

Day 53

Meals
2 Tim Horton's bacon breakfast sandwiches (bacon mostly removed and given to B)
2 Canadian maple donuts
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

1 Fibre Plus chocolate and peanut butter bar
1 apple
2 cups of water

1 Fatburger hamburger--no mayo, cheese, or relish
3/4 small fries
2 cups of water

1 cup fruit smoothie--banana, apple, mango
2 cups of popcorn with approx 2 tsp Becel margarine and a shake of salt

Exercise
60 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
15 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Another crappy day of eating, but at least I made sure to get no mayo or cheese on my burger, and I didn't have the most delicious shake in the world which I never miss. Never say never.

Day 52

Meals
1/2 rack back ribs with BBQ sauce (l/0)
1/2 sweet potato (l/o)
2 cups salad (l/o)
2 cups of water

2 apple cinnamon buns
2 cups of water

1 Fibre Plus chocolate and peanut butter bar
1 apple

3 cups of water

6 small slices of frozen pizza
2 cups of water

Exercise
55 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Day 51

I needed a day off. I may be over training because even after 7.5 weeks, I'm still exhausted. Also not having much sleep the night before, I needed to catch up a few hours. Ugh, what a rotten day.

Meals
Can't remember breakfast/lunch

1/2 rack of back ribs with BBQ sauce
1/2 sweet potato with skin
2 cups of salad--spinach, tomato, green onions, feta cheese, 2 tbsp croutons, 1 tbsp Italian dressing
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Day 50

Do you want to go walkies?

Day 50 seems like it should be a milestone number. I didn't have to look far to realize what I've accomplished and can celebrate today.
Yesterday marked week 7 with a loss of 2.4 pounds and a total of 17.8 pounds. The celebration today is that I've never lost this much weight before in one go. I think my largest number was 13 pounds, and that was by eating what I thought was similar to the Atkins diet but was actually just eating meat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Gross, I know.

On my version of Atkins, and this is not the diet whatsoever--it's just what I imagined the diet being from hearing from I don't even know where that all you eat is meat. I'd eat an egg omelet for breakfast, snack on bacon, and have a egg taco shell filled with cheese and just a few condiments like salsa. You can probably see why that didn't last long. I think it lasted for 1.5 weeks but in that 1.5 weeks I lost 13 pounds.

It was right before my wedding and I was desperate to be a few pounds smaller than what I was, just so I could feel the prettiest ever. At that time I was close to 250 pounds. I guess marriage helped me pack on 100 pounds. Wow.
Anyway, the desperation drove me to do what I didn't even think was good for me at the time and I certainly think is the worst thing to do ever, having now common sense and a nursing background. Even if I lost weight consistently, I'd be so tired, have clogged arteries, and probably die of a heart attack before I got to enjoy my skinny, dilapidated self.

Mistakes. Having that small victory is nothing I'm proud of.

'But today I'm celebrating my huge accomplishment of losing 17.8 pounds without deprivation, without feeling like there's a goal to get to in a limited amount of time, without any hard feelings. Changing my lifestyle has made this feel like it's just what I do and I don't have the pressure to have an endpoint I'm working toward. When I get there to this abstract state of optimal health, I'll get there and it will be awesome, but I'll get there when my body says so. As long as I'm doing good things, and I do see steady improvement, I'm doing something right. I've read, and I can't remember specifics, but many programs and diets push to set a goal to be completed by a certain date. I think if I did that I would make myself crazy and I would procrastinate doing it.

So Happy 50 Days, me!

Meals
1 Fibre Plus chocolate and peanut butter bar
1 apple
3 cups of water

1 slice of pizza (l/o)

1 enchilada (l/o)

1 cup of rice (l/o)

2 cinnamon apple buns

2 cups of water

1 12inch Quizno's Chicken Carbonara sub
1 small bag of Doritos
1 cinnamon apple bun
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
50 minutes of interval hill treadmill
60 minutes Iron Reps class (This class uses weights to work the whole body, timed to awesome music, and a great instructor [love her] that keeps you motivated to keep pushing; warm up, cool down, and stretching included--it's a great butt kick!)

Notes:
-Broken record: I'm going to find more vegetables tomorrow and consume them.
-I had an awesome workout this morning. I haven't been to an Iron Reps class since March. It was nice to really be pushed. I took an hour nap this afternoon because I was so exhausted. All my muscles already ache.

Day 49--Week 7

331.2 lbs...down 2.4 pounds for a total of 17.8 pounds lost.

Wooooo hoooooo! I'm so excited I'm down so much this week! In the big picture it's not a lot, but after having a week of 0, then -1, then -.2, this is huge!!!!

What I did differently this week than the previous slower weeks, I think, was I worked out 6 days (well one day I'm counting as 2 because I went twice) and my cardio didn't dip under 40 minutes. It seems like 55 minutes or there about is the magic cardio time weight loss number. I'm going to make sure to keep my cardio time above 50 minutes every day this week to see what happens! Ah, I'm so excited! I really felt like it was going to be another .something number. It just stinks because day to day in the mirror, I can't really tell any change going on, but here's a noticeably moment:
When we went the movies on Friday, usually I take a minute to get all my clothes pulled on my body properly and adjust my shirt so it stays down and doesn't roll up when I get into the theatre seat. Then I have to sort of slide in one hip at a time and wiggle my way in, where my thighs are pressed up and folding over the sides of the seat (nice mental image, I know). My hips and thighs are pressed so tightly, they hurt, but after a few minutes the pain is deadened until I want to change positions and then it's pain all over again. Well I did my movie theatre seat ritual and adjusted all my clothing and I braced myself for the squeeze, and I started sitting down--like a tight glove I slowly slid into the seat--no pushing, squeezing, or tucking. How wonderful is that?!! Yes, it was still extremely snug but for the first time in a couple of years, it wasn't painful to sit in the movie theatre seat! I was still exploding over the edge and my belly looked 28 months pregnant sitting there, but it was comfortable. That's just another confirmation that I'm doing good things, I'm doing the right things what's working, and I am getting results. I'm still completely living my life food wise as I wish, just making better choices, eating a bit less, and I've added the exercise.

I've found through my lifelong struggle with obesity, while losing it you can't just eat right, and you can't just exercise. It must be both. 'And when you eat right, you're learning how to eat all the foods you love in a healthier way, and you're not deprived. You aren't going to gain all this crazy weight back once you're "done" with the diet because this is the lifestyle you've learned. I think the ONLY drawback to the way I'm doing it versus the way the millions of dieters dieting out there are doing it, is it's going to take me a longer time to get there. We're so programed for instant gratification that taking the slow way, and not seeing results quickly enough discourages us. I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone, accepting me, my body, and my life, and allowing myself to be a healthy person, not focusing too much on getting to a certain weight by a certain date (although if I have a bad week, of course I get down about that). 'But it's a gradual change and I'm so amazed that each week there is a negative number. I always expect to have gained weight because that's what I've always done. Why not this time? I'm consistent, I'm not stressed about a deadline, I told everyone so I forced myself to choose accountability, and I'm not giving up. It's more important for me to be healthy and have to work a little harder than to be miserable complaining about what I did to myself, hoping for an easy way out. Seriously by this point, it's gotten so easy to just say I must go to the gym that I don't even stress out about it anymore. It's just what I do. There's no thinking. Sure there's I don't want to sometimes, but it's not anything like before. It's like traffic. You know you have to battle it, so you just keep going. You don't ever not leave your house to avoid traffic. You just turn up the radio, hold in your pee, and make the best of it. Does that make sense? lol

Meals
2 enchiladas (l/o)
1 cup of rice
1 apple cinnamon bun
2 cups of water

4 slices of pizza
2 apple cinnamon buns
3 cups of water

*edit--forgot to add the regular sized cookie dough blizzard (with no syrup, but extra stuff). I was food celebrating over losing more than a pound and this was my treat. How backwards is that? When I was in WW, they told us to buy ourselves a book or take a bath with new candles and scents. Hmmm, that would have been healthier...maybe next time I can do it better. :)

Exercise
None

Notes:
-What a bad day, health wise. We woke up late because we slept in late because we were suddenly woken in the middle of the night to a huge thunder/lightening/hail storm that kept us up for about an hour from the loud nose of hail and rain thumping our rooftop and windows. It was a bad sleep. Then we fully intended on finishing the kitchen, and that didn't happen because only Andrew worked on it (it turned out to really only be a one person job and I'd be in the way) and it was a bit more detailed than previously thought.
-Fully intending on working all day, I didn't make plans to go exercise with anyone. I thought I'd be sweaty and tired all day. The gym was closed for Heritage Day, so after I found out I wouldn't be working out, I still didn't do anything. The day was just a write off and sometimes that's okay.

Day 48

Fast and testimony meeting this morning...

I got to church thinking this was going to be another Sunday morning. I didn't have anything to really contribute testimony-wise and was getting ready to imprint myself into the pew and listen to everyone that did. Then the counselor got up and started speaking and what he said made my heart jump out of my chest. You just cannot ignore that inspiration to speak at a fast and testimony meeting. If you've never experienced it, it's sort of like sitting there minding your own business and someone suddenly injected you with a billion whatevers of adrenaline. My heart started racing so fast I had to feel my chest to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack. My chest was hot and the pounding raced up into my neck and down into my belly, and flushed my cheeks. I was shaking. I tried to calm myself down so that I was composed enough to walk up to the podium when the counselor was finished speaking. This happens so suddenly and without warning. I even sighed and mumbled dang it because I've learnt to not ignore these promptings; if I don't get up and speak I regret it. When that's happened, I don't even know why I needed to say what I needed to say because I'm not sure that bearing my testimony is ever really for me. It's for someone out in the congregation. I no longer ignore my promptings.

As I was speaking, I don't really remember how I was able to speak, but standing next to myself it sounded like it all flowed really nicely. I always fear that I don't make sense and don't get points across or that I'm not truly communicating what's in my heart. I'm not a public speaker--I'm not even a private speaker. I wish I had an edit button to backspace and retype my verbal messes. Sometimes I even stutter. I feel like my brain works so much faster than the speed at which I'm able to express those thoughts--it all comes out in pieces. It makes me feel so stupid sometimes. It's very irritating.

But I spoke something much more beautiful than this:
I am the only member of my family. I was baptised in October when I was 18. It took me a little while to actually take the conversion, as the missionaries found me while I was walking on the street the February before. They stressed the importance of family and I was intrigued by the concept of sealings, and I was sold on the fact that I would get to do temple work for my dear mother who passed away when I was only 13. I had my heart set on doing this work. How wonderful that would be to do work for my mother who had passed?! By the time I was ready to do her temple work, I found out that it had already been done. I was angry and devastated that I was not going to be the one to get to do this work for her. I had been looking forward to this for years. Who could have done it anyway? We had no members in our family. As I was researching her work, I found out that her work was done on that same February that the missionaries found me. My belief is that my mother was doing work for me, and she paved the way for me to do the work here on earth for the rest of our family. This is part of my testimony of the truthfulness of this gospel; that the Lord Jesus Christ died for us; that He paved a path for us that we might live with him in eternity; that the plan of salvation promises that our families will be together forever. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This was the second time this month I've talked about my conversion story. All month there's been talk of going to the temple, the visiting teaching message, etc. I've been thinking that I'm being pushed to get my family beyond the veil sealed--mom, dad, and my baby brother to me. Maybe Mom and Dad are trying to tell me to quit procrastinating. Maybe if I do this, it'll be less easy to procrastinate other areas of my life.

'And that wasn't it. One sister I visit teach got up and bore her testimony. She's been so ill the past 2 months and was struggling with her faith. Having 3 blessings previously and feeling forsaken, one night I was prompted to call her. I offered that Andrew would come over and he and her husband would give her yet another blessing. These things for Andrew and myself were small. We had an impression that it needed to be done, but when it was over, we hugged and in the following weeks had forgotten about it. Well this sister got up and spoke about it. Her testimony was a testimony to me about the truthfulness of this gospel. For some reason we were here to touch each other's lives. I didn't know that my husband's help with a blessing meant so much to her. Had I not been her visiting teacher, had I not obeyed my calling, that would have never happened. We're on this earth for a purpose and the organization of the church has a purpose and it enriches our lives so much that it's difficult to imagine how you could not believe in it's truthfulness.

I felt so humbled that being obedient has helped someone else. It's a much better feeling to know you've touched another's life than to hope for blessings for yourself. It just feels like you're fulfilling a greater purpose. 'And you build relationships and make friends out of it too. God has a plan for us and when we listen and obey, we are blessed beyond our dreams. I'm so grateful for this life. I'm so much happier than I ever imagined I'd ever be.

Meals
Fibre Plus chocolate and peanut butter bar

1 whole grain hamburger bun
2 tsp Becel margarine
1 breaded chicken patty
1 cup spinach, tomatoes, and pickles
1 apple cinnamon bun
3 cups of water

2 cups of water

2 corn tortilla enchiladas with
approx 3 oz ground turkey
4 olives
1/4 cup green onions
1/4 cup of red onions
1/2 cup of shredded cheddar and mozza cheese
1/4 cup of plain yogurt
1/2 cup of enchilada sauce
3/4 cup tomato Spanish rice
1 apple cinnamon bun
4 cups of water

Exercise
No intentional exercise as it's a rest day, but we walked at the big dog park for approx 40 minutes.

Notes:
-My enchiladas have a lot of cheese, but they're sooooo good! This is why I replaced the ground beef with ground turkey, and sour cream for plain yogurt. If you're not looking for it, you can't tell much of a difference in taste. mmmmm!
-This was our first time at the big dog park in the south. It was another hot day and we heard the park was adjacent to the river and yes, there was river access. B was so cute, having only swam once when he was a few months old, he tested the water for a few minutes but once another person threw the ball into the river he crashed through all the other dogs, even the dog that the ball was intended for, and ended up swimming to it and retrieving it. This was amazing because he's not one to bring back a ball all that often, and he went from zero to swim without any struggle it seemed. He ended up swimming most of the rest of the time we were at the riverside. We would walk along the shore and he would be thigh deep the entire time, getting out only to round a tree branch or something, and floppimg back in. I wish we would have brought our video camera--the fun he was having was priceless. Someone commented that he was a "funny swimmer" being how large and full grown he was. Well you'd be too if it was your first time swimming and you're trying to get across the English Channel without any practice.

Day 47

We're getting ready to put in a vinyl tile floor in the kitchen. No, it's not very fancy, but it will really make a difference compared to the pulled up, filthy, ripped in places, nasty linoleum that we have now. I bet that stuff has been here since the house was built, and somebody forgot to clean it the 19 years before we moved in. We've been in a state of renovation since we signed the mortgage contract, and have never had baseboards in the living room (although that was the one and only room we finished otherwise because we just could not live in sky blue room with a wolf head boarder glaring back at us). Every other room has brightly coloured walls and an untarnished wallpaper boarder along the top which I seriously hope was not put in as a selling feature. We're planning to scrape it all down and put a neutral colour throughout the entire house. No bells and whistles, just clean and pristine. Our little home is only a touch bigger than 1,000 square feet, but for us who aren't exactly handymen of the year, it's going to be a huge project. Mix that with our equal contributions of procrastination and you get what God probably thought when He was contemplating the First Day.

Battling 30 degree weather (that's 93 degrees, California--see it does get hot sometimes) this afternoon getting the tiles and running other errands drained us, so we had an easy BBQ for dinner, took B for a nice long play at the dog park, and cuddled up under blankets in air conditioned wonderfulness for a movie at home without having done any real work. Those are good, lazy days.

Meals
Fibre Plus chocolate and peanut butter bar
1 apple
3 cups of water

4 pieces of honey wheat and oats bread
3/4 can of tuna
3/4 tbsp mayo
1/4 cup of onion and pickles
1 cup of spinach
1 1/2 tomatoes
1/2 avocado
2 cups of water

1 regular sized Wendy's frosty
3 cups of water

2 whole grain hamburger buns
2 hamburger patties (approx 6 oz total)
1/3 cup shredded cheese
3 tbsp ketchup
1 1/2 cups of spinach
1 tomato
4 pickles slices
4 cups of water

Exercise
55 minutes interval hill treadmill
25 minute lower body machines and abs
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm just going to comment on my Wendy's Frosty--with the heat that day, it was medically necessary.
-Today was a day that I wanted to cancel going to the gym because it meant waking up early on a Saturday but I'm so glad I went! I have awesome friends that keep gym commitments with me and that has had a huge impact on my motivation to go. It's very difficult to go on your own when you're starting out and I give major props to those doing it all on their own. This is yet another reason why dieters probably fail--lack of encouragement and motivation. My friends have been my crutch and as I said before, I'm weening away from that need, but I'm still not quite walking on two feet. It's also so much more fun to have a friend to go with anyway. 55 minutes of boring cardio is actually 55 minutes of girl talk. What woman doesn't love and need that?