Day 46

So last night was my first night using the neti pot, and I have to say if you suffer from sinus problems and mouth breathing, you should try it! I'm going to make Andrew use it since he's a lifelong allergy sufferer, and see how it may help him. I used it at 2230h last night and had an absolutely clear nose until the middle of my workout this morning at about 1030h.

What the neti pot is, is a little tea kettle looking thing. You add a cup of warm filtered water (not tap) to the pot and mix in a premixed packet of salt and baking soda. Basically it's an isotonic buffered saline solution. So you tilt your head over the sink, then rotate your head so that one ear is facing the ceiling. You stuff the spout of the neti pot into your top nostril, making a seal, and start pouring the water in. You must keep your mouth open and continue to mouth breathe the entire time. In a few seconds, you feel the saline entering your sinuses as if you were accidentally snorting pool water when swimming, except there's no burn. Then the saline starts pouring out of your lower nostril into the sink. You do this for a few seconds to do have the pot, then do everything again but to the other nostril, with it facing up now, etc.

For about an hour, I felt sort of like I'd been swimming--you have a sort of inflamed feeling in the nose because something was in there, but it's not stuffed. That quickly goes away, along with a few suck backs of post nasal drip. It tastes like saline which is very mild salt water, so it's not bad. You may see a few flecks of nasal remnants in the sink, but unless you're grossed out by your own snot, and not even a lot, it's no big deal.

Even after my first try, I'm already convinced that I'll be using this as an ongoing nightly bedtime ritual. Because of the post nasal drip, you are supposed to do it giving yourself at least one hour before bed. The drip is not a big deal either. I think I had to suck back about 6 times in an hour and nothing else.

I tried this because I'm desperate to find an alternative to drug therapy to my sinus headaches that I get when the weather even thinks about changing. I may have a slight allergy to dust or dog dander since my nose always feels a bit stuffed, but who knows. What I do know is I haven't had a clearer nose to breathe out of for as long as I can remember which made sleeping so much easier!

As a side note, tonight Andrew bought me a small bottle of Chloe which is absolutely amazing! I'm not much of a perfume wearer because for one, most scents give me a headache--I'm pretty sensitive, and two, being a student nurse and working in the hospital you mustn't wear strong odors because that's not conducive to a comfortable atmosphere for healing. Have you ever been sick and smelt something and it just made you nauseated? That's the rational. So I pretty much got used to not wearing perfumes, but I absolutely love Chloe. Other than Fahrenheit that Andrew wears, it's one of the only ones that I can smell all day long and still go nuts over. It makes me feel pretty too. :) I think I can now say I have a favourite perfume. It kind of smells like roses in the bottle which is funny because I really don't care for rose smell perfumes that I've smelled in the past, but on me it smells like a clean white soft feminine soap. So nice!

Meals
1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1 banana

3 cups of water

4 slices of pizza (l/o)
2 cups of water

1 1/2 pieces oregano bread dipped in balsamic vinegar and olive oil
2 cups Caesar salad
3 oz veal in cream cheese sauce
5 asparagus spears
4 roasted potatoes
1 cup zucchini, carrots, and broccoli
1 1/2 cups of water

1 cup movie popcorn
1 cup coke
3/4 box of Reece's pieces

Exercise
25 minutes of upper body free weights and machines
60 minutes of hatha yoga

Notes:
-Yikes! We went on a dinner & movie date and although I held off on eating all the popcorn and the entire drink, I still had some Reece's pieces. This whole no sugar thing isn't working. I enjoy food too much. I didn't want to do a complete no sugar thing because I'm trying to balance but I'm finding that I eat a lot of sugar. I think little things like not having the whole coke are helping and I think this is realistic.
-I loved the yoga this morning. I wasn't able to do the full tree pose because my ankle is still very unstable, but I could at least attempt to do a lot of the poses. Things like yoga and pilates don't look like a real workout, but they are and they're so beneficial!

Day 45

By 600h this morning, my sinus headache had lingered for over 48 hours. See, I'd been trying to manage the pain drug free--drank lots of water, scalp massage, self acupressure, putting a cold cloth over my face, eating, resting in the jacuzzi neck deep--nothing worked. I asked for some suggestions and got some interesting advise--eating wasabi peas, using Vicks rub under the nose, and using a neti pot.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nasal_irrigation

I'm very interested to see what this neti pot can accomplish as I get sinus headaches when the the weather thinks of changing and Andrew is a lifetime allergy sufferer. I think it may be beneficial to both of us, so I'm going to look in to it today.

I did finally cave when I woke up this morning with the worst pain in 48 hours. My miracle drug cure: 1 extra strength Excedrin with 1 extra strength Motrin and 2 cups of water. I went back to sleep just after waking and medicating, and woke up at 1030h relieved. Although this little cocktail cures me 90% of the time, I fear that what I can't see below the surface in my liver area may not be pleased. Along with my whole healthy lifestyle, I want to explore more holistic means of improving ailments, such as looking into more Eastern style medicines, namely more natural remedies. While I don't distrust pharmaceuticals for the most part and do very much believe that there is a very important place for these kinds of treatments, I feel that there may be other ways less damaging to treat this kind of pain for me that I'm willing to try. I also want to get pregnant soon so finding alternative drug free treatments and learning what works effectively before a pregnancy will not only benefit myself but the little bean. (How exciting is that?!) There is another whole debate about, and my feelings on, an obese pregnancy that I'm certain to elaborate on in the future.

Meals
3 fajitas (l/o--exactly like yesterday)
2 cups of water

1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1 apple
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

2 cups of water

4 slices of pizza
2 cups of water

Exercise
55 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
15 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Not such a great food day. I probably stayed under calories, but I hardly got any nutrition.
-Great workout.

Day 44

I went to the gym twice today to try and make up for yesterday. ;) I have a bad sinus headache and I'm trying to manage it drug free, so I'm going to post my meals and call it a day.

Meals
1 bowl of peaches and cream instant oatmeal
1 banana

3 cups of water

2 slices honey wheat and oat bread
1/2 can tuna
1/2 tbsp mayo
onions, pickles
1 can chicken and rice soup
2 cups of water

2 slices honey wheat and oat bread
1/2 can tuna
1/2 tbsp mayo
onions, pickles

3 cups of water

1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1 apple

Fajitas--3 fajita size tortillas
6 oz steak, shrimp, chicken
1 tbsp guacamole
1 tbsp sour cream
2 tbsp shredded cheese
1 cup sauteed bell peppers and onions
1/2 cup lettuce/tomato
2 cups of water

Exercise
25 minutes lower body machines
50 minutes interval hill treadmill
15 minutes stretching

25 minutes steady pace treadmill
25 minutes upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-The onions in my tuna sandwich always give me heartburn. This is the first time I've had heartburn in nearly 2 months.
-Ah, at the gym twice today. Such dedication! lol

Day 43

What a busy flipping day. I hated all of today's running around and I was literally left with no time for exercise. That put me in a bad mood even more. It's like I dread actually getting up early to go to the gym, but once I get there, I'm so happy that it boosts my mood so much. If I miss a day, I'm so upset because it feels like a day lost and I'm almost kicked off balance. I've found that I really need these healthier habits to feel better day to day. I'm still very tired, but I'm sure a lot of that has to do with my horrible sleeping patterns still. I'm no longer feeling the depressing, down lethargy; what I'm feeling is the actual physical fatigue. Must sleep better.

Meals
1/2 cup of Nature Living hot cereal
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

Plate of Indian food
approx 3/4 cup saffron rice
1/4 cup mushed lentils
1/2 cup butter chicken
1/2 vegetable samosa
1/2 small pita bread
3 falafel balls
2 bites of tandoori chicken leg
1 cup of water

3 cups of popcorn
1 1/2 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tbsp Becel margarine
2 twists of sea salt mill
1/2 cup apple, vanilla, pear juice

2 pieces battered fish
1/2 cup yam fries
2 tsp tartar sauce
2 cups of water

2 cups of popcorn
1 tbsp vegetable oil
1/2 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

Exercise
no intentional exercise but abnormal activity: walking all over downtown, maybe a total of 20 blocks

Notes:
-Food was fast and convenient today. Surprisingly, no sweets. :)
-I'm very upset at my horrible day of missing my workout.

Day 42--Week 6

333.6 lbs...down .2 pounds for a total of 15.4 pounds lost.

GEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. Apparently I can't just eat whatever I want in moderation as long as I'm training for the Olympics--that's you, ice cream, chocolate bars, cookies, and chips. I know those things aren't good for me, but I love them so I thought I could get away with it a bit more. It seems food doesn't like me as much as I like food. Perhaps daily is not considered "in moderation."

This is incredibly annoying and no wonder dieters, including past me, don't stay motivated and fail, fail, fail. I have every excuse for the past 3 weeks to quit, but I know that's not going to get me anywhere. Today, however, I'm not crying and sad--I'm just more determined (and a little disgusted).

This week, no sugar and watch the added fat, and we'll see how that goes. POINT TWO POUNDS--for 6 days of exercise--what a joke!!!

I was hoping to hop on the Wii Fit this week (330 pound weight limit) but it appears as though that's not going to happen. Ugh.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana

3 cups of water

1 apple
1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar

4 pieces of raisin bread
2 chicken patties
1 tbsp peppercorn ranch dressing
2 cups of spinach, tomatoes, and pickles
3 cups of water

1 plate of buffet approx's:
2 cups of Chinese broccoli
3/4 cup of chicken balls
1/4 cup squid
1 cup other various broccoli beef & shrimp/vegetables
4 1X1 vermicelli noodle squares
2 tbsp vanilla ice cream with 1/2 tsp chocolate drizzle
1 fried chip
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
1 hour walk next to the river

Notes:
-I said no ice cream and I turn around and had ice cream. I wanted a taste and it was free, so I had a taste. Maybe if I have tastes instead of a full on dessert, I can get away with it. I'm going to try the rest of the week to not have any though.
-I only got an hour in, but it was a workout. Maybe it was the heat too, but I was sweating! It was very weird to not be at the gym and to exercise outside. I don't like it. I don't feel like I'm in control. I don't feel like I'm pushing myself. I hate being watched. I wouldn't mind doing exercise outside if I made time and plans to also go to the gym so that it felt like a real workout. Meh.

Day 41

Like I said previously, this week I had 6 straight days at the gym. This may not seem like a huge feat for some, but for me this is a major accomplishment. I tend to find 4-5 days being "enough" so I slack on the rest of the time. By going every day this week except for my predetermined "off" day, I've felt so great the entire time and feel that this isn't very hard to keep up. I find that I start lacking motivation when I decrease my momentum. Yesterday I truly felt like I wanted to cancel. I had a horrible sleep the night before with a nightmare and a sinus headache when I woke up but I pushed myself to go anyway. I told myself that if I hated it and wanted, I would just leave. For me, however, getting there is 90% of the battle. Once I'm there, it's no big deal. A couple pills and a bunch of water, and things were okay. Thank goodness I've been meeting a friend this whole time. I've used her as a crutch, and I think she's done the same with me. It has pushed us to be accountable not only to each other, but also ourselves. I'm beginning to feel that if I didn't have her, I'm at the point where I'd be okay. I needed the momentum to get me started and now I feel unstoppable. I am very aware of my old lethargic habits still, and so am constantly on guard, pushing myself to just go. When you throw away all the excuses and all the crap behind why you can't do something, you'll find that there is a whole new world out there ready for you. I've found that instead of letting all these blocks and walls pull me back and keep me down, if I just keep resisting the urge of my comfort zone and pushing my boundaries, so much more can be accomplished. It's like finding a new person inside someone who I thought I knew, and finding that person who I always dreamed of being.

Because I checked my BP the other day, I wanted to see how it was today just for a comparison. Andrew and I were shopping again and stopped at the cuff. We sat for a few minutes to rest, and Andrew took his first. 118/81, pulse 79. I then took mine--130/80, pulse 56. What?

If you don't know what my numbers mean, let me tell you. They mean I'm a star athlete. Athletes have resting pulses below 60 bpm, not fat, 333 pound women...typically. Before I started this and I wish I had the measurements and diary to prove it, I was sitting around a 90 bpm resting heart rate, something that should be below 80 bpm for a healthy adult. In 6 weeks, I've completely changed how my heart works--so much more efficiently. I think of my heart as a pump that can only take so much friction and mechanics before it's going to start busting gaskets and eventually give up. Normal or optimal wear and tear minus any variables might take me to my 90's but at the rate I was going, my RPMs were overloading this inefficient machine so much that I think I would be pushing 60's and not for long. I have my dreams in sight to perhaps see those 90's now and what I do is a major component to how that will all turn out. I can't defy genetics or accidents, or God's plan for me, but I can do whatever I can to ensure it won't be my fault for prematurely leaving my loved ones behind.

I'm a little concerned about my systolic pressure still in the 130's, but hopefully time will decrease that. I'm floored that my diastolic was 80 today. The diastolic pressure is the pressure that remains in your veins when the heart is not pumping (at rest). This is a more critical number to maintain optimal levels. (Systolic being the pressure that is in the veins when the heart is pumping out blood.) I would love to go to my doctor's office and see the expression on his face. The numbers don't represent what's sitting in front of me. hahaha...Fatty is trying. Oh, and this is one peeve that gets to me. I've made the mistake and hurt myself so that I look like this, but to the person on the street, they don't know what I'm doing to ensure it changes. They see what they see and their judgement is what it is. This is another reason why writing this is so important. So people can always be on guard with their judgements and don't take everything they see at face value. I know that's a bit of a dream, but if it changes one person's mind, it's worth all the humiliation of writing this [although I'm beginning to love myself in such a way that I don't see myself as a person not doing anything anymore--I've proven to myself that I'm committed and determined now and the humiliation is turning into empowerment].

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

2 pieces of whole grain toast
1/2 can chicken a la king soup
1/2 cup potato salad
2 cups of water

1 cup of strawberries
1 cup of water

1 1/2 apple butter ribs (homemade)
2 cups of spinach Greek type salad
2 tbsp olive oil Italian dressing
3 cups of water

2 oatmeal chocolate & white chocolate chip cookies

2 pieces raisin bread
1 tbsp peppercorn ranch dressing
1 cup pickles, tomatoes, spinach
1 breaded chicken patty
2 cups of water

1 dark chocolate Kit Kat

Exercise
one deserved day off!

Notes:
-We had lunch after church at my SIL & BIL's and my SIL made these fabulous cookies. They proceeded to tease me that only one of the cookies had my name on it. I appreciate that they are supportive in my efforts and also that they let me have the choice to choose to eat a cookie and then not turn around and suggest that I shouldn't. I need supportive people like that and I'm so blessed that I have them and many others.
-I'm very happy taking a day off to rest from all the exercise. Yesterday, pilates kicked my abs! At one point Andrew was making me laugh so hard earlier, as he's so good at doing, that it hurt and I started laughing because it was ridiculous that I was in so much pain just from laughing which made me laugh harder and hurt more. I was crying real tears but I couldn't stop laughing. It was torture but I loved it!

Day 40

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

3 cups of water

1 burrito supreme (Taco Bell)
3/4 crunch wrap supreme (Taco Bell)
3 cups of water

1 Senses Kit Kat
1 Twix

1 white bread hamburger bun
1 4 oz hamburger patty
1/4 cup lettuce
1 tbsp ketchup
6 chips with approx 3 tbsp sour cream type dip
4 cups of water

Exercise
31 minutes cyclical trainer
60 minutes pilates

Notes:
-We were out all day long which meant we ate out all day long, and then went to a housewarming where we were fed. Considering all the temptations everywhere I did okay, but caved when we went to the British candy shop and bought a few treats. I'm really beginning to see how all the exercise in the world can't help you lose weight if you're not also watching what you eat.
-This was day 6 in a row of going to the gym and I am so proud of that accomplishment.

Day 39

What, what, what? FIVE straight days of gym time. That's a first in a very long while. I'm hoping to make it 6 tomorrow and I'll be happy with resting on Sunday. I've noticed the past couple of weeks have been kind of sluggish on the weight loss, so I hope that getting in this extra time will help with that. This happened last time on my big gym going stint that I started out well and tapered off losing only 12 pounds in 4 months! I'm already +10 pounds at this point so I hope I can keep it up, even at just 1-2 pounds a week--that's pretty healthy anyway, isn't it? It's just kind of depressing needing to lose so much and not see it drop. I compare myself to the contestants on the Biggest Loser and other reality weight loss shows, and I know that it's ridiculous to do so because they've got trainers and nutritionists, and are working out 8-10 hours a day. I just have it in my head, especially since my doctor's even told me this, that because I have so much to lose, at first I "should" lose a lot. But I guess because I'm not on a "diet" and I allow myself ice cream and potato chips here and there, it won't be dramatic. I'd like to make a huge dramatic shift, but I don't see myself living that if I do it for the sake of losing weight really fast. This is a lifestyle and as much as I write it here over and over again, I'm still convincing myself of that very point and trying not to get down on myself when I only see a small number on the scale. A number down is a number down though. I just wish I'd be at my goal by the time I'm 30 and that's not going to happen. I want my best years to be lived, and I feel the clock ticking while I'm waiting for my body to catch up with my aspirations. I'm going to be 30 when I turn 30 no matter what I'm doing so I may as well suck it up and appreciate that I'll be a little smaller (instead of hugely) versus no change at all if I kept complaining about it and not doing anything. This is certainly one day at a time.

We had some friends over for dinner, and a movie, and they showed us how to play Liar Liar, which we will definitely have to play again and hopefully remember to teach my SIL assuming she doesn't know it yet (although she is the queen of cards and board games so it wouldn't surprise me if she did already). Having people over meant a huge cleaning day for me and as always I finished minutes before they arrived, thankfully. I really have a procrastination problem and should have cleaned yesterday. I'm so busy not being busy that when I do get busy I can't enjoy anything. That's not to say I didn't enjoy myself because I really did, but my brain has to switch modes abruptly instead of just transitioning from calm and not having company, to calm and having company. Maybe that's where a lot of my stress lies.

Awesome news! I took my blood pressure readings today at Safeway. My BP was 131/88, pulse 70 (this is after sitting for only a couple of minutes after having ran around shopping). These numbers are a bit high, ideal being <120/80 but I'm considered in the normal range. This is also excellent because when I had my BP read at the doctors during my lazy days, my BP was something like 139/96 and my resting pulse rate was 90 bpm. Those numbers are considerably improved. I'm ecstatic about my diastolic being in the high normal stage versus where it was in the hypertension stage. When I had my numbers checked by the doctor, they prescribed 5mg ramipril daily to me which I took for a week, but had horrible side effects (fatigue so much that I slept almost all day, and dizziness). I opted to stop taking them on my own, which I would not advise anyone to do without speaking to your doctor first, and decided to try exercise and see if it made a difference. I think it has! I'll need to keep checking it though because it is high normal still after 5 weeks of exercise. My hope is that I can change my diet and exercise in such a way that I can naturally obtain optimal levels--<120/<80. Maybe that will come with the decrease in weight. Pray for me!

Meals
1 Fibre One chocolate and oat bar
3 cups of water

1/2 Chili's nacho burger (l/o)
15 french fries
1 tbsp ketchup
2 cups of water

1/2 cup pineapple
1 cup of water

1/2 cup Cinnamon Appletini (designated, of course)

2 pieces marinated chicken thigh approx 5 oz
1/2 cup potato salad
2 cups greek-ish salad (spinach, tomato, cucumber, green onions, olives, feta, 1 tbsp peppercorn ranch dressing)

3/4 cup Orange Creamsicle ice cream

Exercise
15 minutes cyclical trainer
40 minutes lower body machines and core work
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Having people over allowed me all the sugar with the drink and the ice cream. I held back too so I'm feeling pretty good about that. This is a balance thing in action.
-I'm so excited I did 5 days of exercise this week already!

Day 38

In attempts to break the sleeping cycle, here I am awake and doing things that promote a well functioning lifestyle. I woke up before Andrew, well after his 2nd snooze alarm, and started the day with breakfast and not zoning out at the TV screen. I think I may be slightly addicted? to television as it still feels like I should be going to see what's on or what I have TiVo'd from the night before, effectively promoting a little zombie playtime.

This morning I've broken the spine on my coursework book, paid some bills, put some laundry in the wash, ate breakfast and a snack by now, cleaned some dishes, folded some laundry, researched a little, made an eye appointment, sat on hold for a doctor's appointment and eventually hung up, and my day's maybe 1/3 over. What a few extra hours in life can do for you!

I have yet to meet some friends at the gym and fill an obligation this afternoon, as well as cleaning, deep cleaning, the house before company comes over tomorrow. I have an apple core and a half full glass of water on my desk, not a candy bar wrapper and an empty coke can. I'm still me, but I'm a much better me today.

Meals
1 bowl of peaches and cream instant oatmeal
1 cup of skim milk
1/2 cup of pineapple

1 whole wheat pita
1/8 cup of hummus
1 apple
2 cups of water

1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
3 cups of water

1/2 of Chili's Nacho burger
12 fries
1 tbsp ranch dressing
3 cups of water

1 cup of water

Exercise
41 minutes steady pace treadmill
30 minutes upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-After going to the gym, I had a couple of appointments to make and I already ate my Fibre One bar that I took with me for a snack, so for 3.5 hours after the gym, I was starving. I am always very hungry after a workout and if I don't eat within that 60 minute threshold, I start feeling nauseated and get a headache which is what happened tonight. After eating and getting more water in to me, I'm now feeling quite nice. 'And dinner?---HALF of my hamburger, NO appetizers, and NO dessert!!!!!!!! It's rather shocking.
-Workout was okay. I wasn't feeling in to it today because of all the stress I feel like is coming down on me. Even being pumped this morning for not watching TV and accomplishing a lot for me, I still feel pressured to get things done. Contentment is apparently out on holiday today!

Day 37

A Random, Noninclusive List of Favourite Things

1. the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking mixed with the smell of the bleachy dishwasher washing dishes
2. white orchids
3. the beach, specifically La Jolla Shores
4. stories/novels about heartache; growing pains; dysfunction; defiance of social norms
5. indyish music and art, especially handmade art like paintings and music made by people I love
6. photography that captures the soul
7. listening live to opera singers that can make me cry, not necessarily liking any opera
8. rainy days, thunderstorms AND sunshiny warm days after weeks of rain
9. my jacuzzi
10.being included in my family's lives even if I'm awkward and don't belong but being able to feel like an important unit in the most mundane things
11.having a few true friends that truly love me and being in their presence
12.listening to Emm Gryner on a road trip to Victoria
13.when my husband looks at me like he's never seen me before and I'm the best thing he's ever seen
14.cuddling in bed with my husband with our puppy smooshed in between us, burring his nose in our armpits
15.having people over/attempting to be the perfect host/hopefully making people feel comfortable
16.listening to music in a dark room with candles lit
17.making anything with my hands that resembles art
18.going out to eat anywhere; the more unfamiliar, the better
19.having a spotless home where my brain can relax
20.back massages
21.belief and faith in a loving God and knowing the plan of salvation has me living with my family for all eternity

Meals
1/4 baked chicken casserole (l/o)
1/2 cup of fresh pineapple
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1 apple
2 cups of water

20 pieces of assorted sushi with 2 tbsp soy sauce
2/3 cup of tempura fried avocado with some sweet sauce
3 cups of water

1 box of chocolate Pocky

Exercise
30 minutes upper body free weights and machines
30 minutes interval hill treadmill
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Andrew and I had an errand this afternoon which led us out of the house at dinner time. We ended up at Kinjo---a yummy sushi place. We ordered so much food; more than ever, and regrettably ate every last bite! Sushi is so easy to eat so quickly that by the time we were full, we didn't know it. What a surprise that came up as we walked out of the restaurant. I nearly barfed in the parking lot. Note to self: next time order the amount that doesn't seem like it will be enough and it will.
-I could have taken today off as an exercise day, but I made plans with a friend to go anyway. We only did a bit over an hour, but holy cow, that hour was an entire hour longer than I would have had. I'm so glad I didn't take a day off. I'll try to reserve that for just Sundays. I'm beginning to love this whole exercise thing. :)

Day 36

Monday I came home from a morning workout and a visit with a friend, and eventually fell asleep for 3 hours once I sat down and got food in me. What I called a nap, others poked fun at me telling me that's more than a little nap, and more sleep than some get all night! I thought about this and figured, I have the time, why not do what I want with it? I've spent so much time in school having the 2, 3, 4 hour sleeps for months at a time, I deserve a little R&R.
'But then yesterday I thought about how I'm so stressed in relation to all the time I spend doing on various activities that don't help me--such as spending 1/8 of the day sleeping more than my body needs, among the other aliments of procrastination, perfectionism, time management issues, etc. After all, I'm doing correspondence courses and I don't go to school rather, I go to my basement to study. Time sort of stands still day to day, but week to week it's wasted in the gluttonous belly of the time goblin. I was talking to a friend about this "nap" and came to the conclusion that while losing weight, you need adequate sleep---that inadequate sleep would be too little sleep or too much sleep. Hmmmm.

I have so much stress that leads me to a state of being frozen where I literally cannot do anything. I would say I won't do anything, but my mind tells me I cannot. It's sort of a panic feeling, but more of an I'm losing my mind and the word that fills my head is No. NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo--as if shaking my head back and forth and chanting "no" will fling everything off and make it not be so. Sometimes I'll be in this state for a few minutes until I calm down and have to sleep it off, or a few hours when I'm so exhausted that sleeping it off take a day or so. This is exactly what happened today.

I get so overwhelmed, remember I require organization for my mind to function, that when there is too much information, too much stimuli, too much going on all in disarray, I freeze and this shut down coping mechanism kicks in. I've learned to call on Andrew when this is happening because he helps me get out of my head and back into the real world. He calms me down and tells me not to worry, take one thing at a time, I'll help you. I get relieved that I'm not on my own with all this stuff to do and it's okay that the floor isn't vacuumed when I have to write 5 papers in the next month. It's a reality check when my mind short circuits. My life starts fibrillating and he comes in...I'm clear, you're clear, we're all clear...chu CHUK.

The point to all this is I've had to evaluate my lifestyle in so many ways. Doing all this consistent exercise and eating (okay just better than before and still faaar from perfectly) the way I am, has empowered me to reach beyond one change and look into all the aspects of my life considering what other changes I can make. Thanks to yesterday, I've reflected on my sleeping patterns and now have the resolve to have a bedtime, and to have a wake up time. While I ease in to it so as to not kill myself from shock, I'm going to bed with Andrew and waking up with Andrew. A 10pm-6am sleep schedule would be ideal. I promised myself to always use an alarm clock if I nap as well, unless a illness supersedes the need to care and sleep is prescribed. I think sleeping too much has drained me and has robbed me of being more functional and accomplishing more. It certainly puts a strain on having any time to do anything, hence a little time management issue.

'And somewhere deep within my philosophies on life and living, there is no room for sleeping my life away. I desire to accomplish much. It's a little embarrassing to my ego to realize what I actually live, versus what I desire to live. So here's more change; continue with ordering all these crazy orchids (they keep sprouting up everywhere---I suppose I could have called them weeds, but then it wouldn't be so pretty).

Meals
1/4 broccoli casserole (l/o)
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 bowl peaches and cream oatmeal
1 cup skim milk
1 apple
2 cups of water

3 cups of water
1 banana

1/4 baked chicken salad casserole--3 oz chicken thigh
1/4 cup celery
1 tbsp olives
1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 tbsp mayo
1/4 cup crushed potato chips
1 medium vine tomato
2 cups of water

1 peanut buster parfait (approx 1 cup of ice cream, 1/4 cup chocolate sauce, 1/4 cup peanuts)

Exercise
61 minutes interval hill treadmill
35 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-We had a coupon for buy one get one free peanut buster parfaits so I couldn't pass that up; it was such a nice night and we sort of used the excuse as a date night, plus I did about 10-15 minutes more cardio so it balanced out!
-Exercise, again, was awesome. I'm beginning to feel comfortable at the level I'm working so I find that I'm pushing myself more and more. I'm determined to one day jog for longer than one minute at a time, but that's not just me. I have to respect my dumb ankle which is still giving me problems and I don't want to further injure it.

Day 35--Week 5

333.8 lbs...down 1 pound for 10.4 total pounds lost--15.2 pounds from my heaviest ever.

I'm going to modify my "total pounds lost". I'm going to change it from the total pounds since starting this lifestyle change, to my total pounds ever since the time I weighed myself at the heaviest was only about a month previous to starting this change. My heaviest was 349 pounds, so my current "total pounds lost" is actually 15.2 total pounds lost. I want to do this so I know where I've come from and how much I've actually done over my life.

I'm certain I didn't lose much this week because of all the ice cream cake. I could lie and say I'm happy because a loss is a loss and 1-2 pounds per week is a healthy rate, but I'm displeased. This should help motivate me to do much better this comming week.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana
3 cups of water

1 hamburger bun
1 hamburger (l/o)
1 hot dog bun
1 hot dog (l/o)
2 cups of water

1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1/2 pita
1/8 cup of hummus
2 cups of water

1 broccoli casserole--2 cups of broccoli
4 oz chicken thigh
1/2 cup cream of chicken soup
2 tbsp mayo
1/6 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
1 piece of whole grain bread
2 cups of water

1X3 piece of dark chocolate almond bark

Exercise
45 minutes of upper body free weights and machines
50 minutes of interval hill treadmill
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Good food--great amount of veggies; excellent exercise.

Day 34

I forgot to post...'just woke up--going back to bed.

Meals
1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1 banana
1 cup of skim milk

1 slice of left over pizza
2 cups of water

2 hot dog buns
2 smokies with 2 tbsp BBQ sauce and red onions
2 cups of water

1 3X1 inch piece of dark chocolate almond bark

1 hamburger bun
1 hamburger patty approx 3 oz
ketchup
1 cup spinach
1/2 cup tomatoes and pickles
2 cups of water

1/8 piece of Dairy Queen ice cream cake (l/o) approx 1.5 cups of ice cream
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Ice cream cake is finished. I would have normally split the thing in half, but I only had 3/8 of the cake so I'm a whole piece down from what I would normally have eaten.
-Sabbath day off from exercise.

Day 33

Andrew and I decided after living here for 4 years already, to finally tidy up the backyard so it's usable and not an embarrassment. All we've ever done back there is BBQ, and come back inside; run out to the jacuzzi, soak, and run inside; plant my garden, go out there to water it, and run back inside. We've had a few days we'll take B out there with us and throw a ball around, but he's so big and our weeds are so tall that we always end up taking him to the dog park as our default. Today, we worked.

We have about 20 of those large 2X2.5 concrete slabs that you can put together and make up a little area for a patio or whatever. We ended up moving them around all day; tilling, digging, raking weeds and dirt all over the place. It turns out that B now has a nice little pad to curl up on if he wants--maybe a second place to sunbathe that he so loves to do for hours, and we have a place to walk from the deck stairs. It's far from done as we still have lots of improvements to finish, but it was a huge start and we are very proud of ourselves for taking initiative and actually accomplishing a task on our never-ending to-do list. We were sweating and covered in dirt and whatever else. The jacuzzi was a nice little escape afterwards, and at this point I'm so tired, I don't know how I'm not in bed yet! It was a good day. :)

Not to minimize the stamina and strength of my love, but he was mentioning to me how the work was very difficult and he was slammed. He was requesting to stop. (Sorry honey) I'm only mentioning this because of the impact it had on me. Just a month ago, if you were to ask me to do this same task, I would be fine for an hour, but you could bet that I would start whining, complaining, and start barking orders--not because I'm a hugely mean person, but because when I get tired and fatigued, I get cranky. We worked for 3.5 hours and I was in good spirits the whole time! I'm patting myself on my back right now because I have no doubts in the world that this good attitude (due to having extreme butt loads of energy) is due to my new lifestyle and all the workouts I've been doing. I'm exponentially stronger and I have so much more endurance than I could ever imagine. I was shocked when Andrew wanted to stop, sure that I would be the one to call it quits first. I am amazed at how fast I recovered too because--don't get me wrong--I was getting tired at that point, but we hopped into the jacuzzi within 10 minutes of quits and I was already recovered. This is amazing to me. I don't think I could tell you how far into the 180 I've already done even being so far from my goal. Sorry to gloat, but I was a rock star today!

Meals
3 slices of frozen pizza
2 cups of water

8 cups of water

1 cup of lemonade

1 bite of a slice of l/o pizza
1/2 whole wheat pita
1/8 cup hummus
2 cups of water

1 hot dog bun
1 chicken/turkey/mozzarella/sun dried tomato sausage (Costco brand and totally disgusting)
with ketchup, mustard, relish, and red onion
2 cups of water

1/8 slice of ice cream cake

Exercise
-3.5 hours of digging, raking, bending, pulling, lifting, etc.

Notes:
-I could not pass up the ice cream cake. We hardly ever get it, so I'm taking advantage.
-Although the exercise was not intentional for the sake of exercise, I knew I was going to be doing a lot of yard work today so I opted out of regimented exercise time. I have no regrets. I think if I would have gone to the gym, I would have been so useless doing the amount of work we did today. Plus we never do this so it's not like it was a typical Saturday activity for us and I just missed a gym day or anything.

Day 32

I'm about to take my second comfort bath of the day due to a certain cyclical feminine vexation. I need a happy place. At this point, in this moment, I couldn't exercise if I tried. 'Due for a day off; I'll take mine now.

Meals
1 BBQ beef on a bun (l/o) approx 40z of beef
12 potato chips
1 tbsp sour cream onion dip
2 cups of water

4 no salt top Saltine crackers
1 banana
2 cups of water

1 bacon cheeseburger (Dairy Queen)
1 small fry
5 onion rings
2 cups of water

1/8 piece of ice cream cake (Dairy Queen) approx. 1.5 cups of ice cream
2 cups of water

Exercise
None--day off

Notes:
-We decided to go out for dinner but didn't want to spend a whole lot of money. Dairy Queen seemed like a yummy idea. Ice cream after all this heat seemed like a better idea! ;) I'm definitely an emotional eater. I've been having cramps all day and feeling really...just ughhhhh. Dairy Queen was my guilty pleasure.
-No exercise today. I thought I'd take a day off, considering I would cry if any more muscles hurt. No qualms with that decision!

Day 31

I was just reading back to my results page on Day 28--to comment about my calf increase. I've always had man legs below the knee. Dad always told me I had his calves, and unfortunately, his skin. He had that red, bumpy, chicken skin. No matter what I do--moisturize, sunblock, drink lots of water, etc., I just can't get rid of it. I wish I had smooth, silky, skin, but I'm doomed to live with this bumpy stuff forever. Ah, genetics.

And speaking of genetics, it freaks me out that my mom had colon cancer at such a young age. The general guideline to begin cancer screening is 50 years old UNLESS you have a family history. Then, you are supposed to start screening 10 years before your immediate relative was diagnosed. I don't remember very clearly, but mom died at 45 years old, and I believe she was diagnosed stage 4, three years previous to that, but she was having bowel issues and problems about 2-3 years before that (when the doctors dismissed her and told her to change her lifestyle, that it was all stress). So that would make her approx 39-40 years old, I believe, when she had symptoms. So, as paranoid as I am, I told the doctors I thought mom was diagnosed at 37, so I pushed to get a colonoscopy at 27 (two years ago). Everything was clear. I want to get one every 2 years and there's about a 6 month wait for screen tests, so I am going to go to the doctor for my 6 month referral this coming month.

To talk about colonoscopies--they are not as bad as they seem. The worst part was not being bare assed in front of about 2 nurses and a doctor. The worst part was the laxative you are required to take beforehand to completely clean your bowel, and the diarrhea that ensues. First off, the laxative I took last time was disgusting tasting. It was very difficult to get down. Then everything is timed by how long you have to do this, how much you have to drink, when exactly you have to stop eating, when you can and can't eat, etc. It's a process that lasts 24 hours and it's not very pleasant. The procedure itself was actually very nice! They give you a medication to induce a twilight and perhaps amnesia--I can't remember (haha)--so you're awake and can respond to questions, but nothing hurts, you're kind of out of it, there's no embarrassment because you don't really care, and afterwards, you don't really remember every detail. I remember being wheeled into the procedure room, meeting the nurses and doctor, seeing the screen, laying on my side having my gown lifted up, nothing, and then I was in recovery and I couldn't sleep. The nurses came in and told me to relax, just sleep a bit, but I couldn't. I was very curious still with everything going on as I was in the middle of my schooling and I wanted to absorb everything. I was really out of it, and remember bits and pieces of the day, but what I mostly remember was it was a very mundane thing to have to go through, as far as procedures go. So if you're over 50 or you have a familial history of colon cancer, please get checked! It's really no big deal at all! I also don't believe it's embarrassing to take charge of your health. Sure something will be venturing up your rear end, but those doctors and nurses are professionals, do it every day so it's nothing to them. They're desensitized to the embarrassment of butt cheek. Don't worry. Take charge of your health!

Meals
1 whole grain bun
2 slices deli meat (one ham, one chicken)
1 slice of swiss cheese
1/2 cup of spinach
1/2 cup tomato and pickle
1 tbsp olive oil Tuscan Italian Dressing
2 cups of water

1/2 cup of strawberries
2 cups of water

1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

3 cups of water

1 multi grain bun
4 oz pulled beef with approx 1/5 bottle of BBQ sauce
2 cups of roast vegetables (l/o)
2 cups of water

Exercise
45 minutes of interval hill treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-The diet* was decent today. The BBQ pulled beef sandwich for dinner was delicious! I made it without a recipe--trial and error--since I've never made it before, just concerned with in tasting good. Next time I'll cut the BBQ sauce in half because it really didn't need it all. It was really good though!
-Wow, how my muscles hurt! This week I've increased many of my weights, and I can really feel it in my legs. Even with all the stretching, although I no longer feeling like jello, I'm stiff. Throughout my whole workout, I felt the muscle fatigue, even after resting the 48 hours. It was difficult to get a good stretch at first, but by the end I could tell my muscles loosened up. I'll just have to make sure to take it easy tomorrow after 4 huge workout days. Maybe just an hour of cardio or something, depending on how I feel.

*I use diet in the traditional meaning of the word. I take pride in not cheapening my new lifestyle by calling it a "diet" as I plan this to be my life, not some temporary "fix".
diet /di·et/ (di´it) the customary amount and kind of food and drink taken by a person from day to day. (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/diet)

Day 30

My legs are still jello. Thank goodness this afternoon's workout consisted of only upper body and cardio, otherwise I'd be in trouble! It takes about 48 hours of rest between working your muscles so they have adequate time to recover and repair before putting them to hard work again. Based on this principle, my workouts have consisted of daily cardio, and then alternating days of upper body, and lower body workouts. Some days I don't feel muscle fatigue as much as others. These days that I do, it's because I've increased the weight I'm lifting, pulling, pushing, because my muscles were used to the lower weights, so in order to gain that long lean muscle, you need to increase your intensity or duration. For now, I'm increasing the intensity. For body builders, which I have no knowledge of really, they push for intensity--increased weights, lifting, pulling, pushing as much as possible. For long lean muscular tone, rather than bulk, you keep your intensity such that you can still lift, and you go for increased number of reps, or duration.
In a typical workout, I'll say bicep curls for an example exercise, I'll lift 8 pound dumbbells for 15 reps, 10 pounds for 12 reps, and 12 pounds for 10 reps. So I'm increasing my weights for each set, but decreasing the amount I'm able to do. At the last set, I should be fatigued and barely able to finish all 10 reps. If I can finish all 10 reps easily, I know to increase the weight. I'll continue in this fashion until I see a good musculature tone, then I will likely change it to about 2 sets of 8-12 reps each, for the same amount of weight. This will just keep me toned at the set curve I like--so far away from achieving that though! It's difficult to watch myself in the mirror, lifting. I see my muscles contract under all that flabby fat. My arms and belly mainly are starting to feel very flabby now. I've lost 10 pounds and I don't doubt that's all fat loss because I'm eating properly for the most part (i.e. not starving myself) and I'm exercising, and it's been well over the first week (where there's typically dramatic weight loss for dieters, unfortunately it's mostly water weight).

I know I'm doomed to have flabby skin after more weight loss and by the time I'm done. I've already come to terms with myself that cosmetic surgery may be an option that I feel I'll want to proceed with entertaining. I'm 29 years old so I'm getting older and my skin isn't as elastic as it once was, and I've been this weight for about 7 years now. I must have a 7 year itch attitude; first smoking and quitting, now being super obese and quitting. I suppose my marriage has about 1.5 years left! Just kidding, honey. :)

I do want children though and I haven't put a definite cap on the number. If I did do cosmetic surgery, if my skin wasn't impeding on my life, I'll wait until I've had all my children. Then I'll at least get my 40's as my best years. Sigh, away with my 20's already, I'll be pregnant through my 30's, so maybe my 40's I'll get to be smokin' hot. I hope Andrew like the cougar look. lol Sorry, okay, cute hockey mom. I can live with that. I suppose it's premature to be thinking about cosmetic surgery so soon, but it's a thought regardless, so I thought I'd share.

Fun point of interest for today: I finally updated my iPhone to 3.0 and it's so cool. Notepad finally has a copy, cut, and paste option which will come in very handy when making grocery lists and all my other types of lists. There's also picture messaging which we didn't have before and that is awesome! (No, I don't jail brake my iPhone. I'm too scared it will be broken forever despite my computer genius husband's attempts at conning me otherwise.)

Meals
1 sub sandwich (l/o)
2 tbsp sour cream onion soup mix dip
12 potato chips
2 cups of water

1 bowl of peaches and cream instant oatmeal
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana

3 cups of water

6 0z roast beef (l/o)
2 cups of roasted vegetables (l/o)
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
41 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes upper body workout
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Like the food? It's nearly identical to yesterday. Way to eat those left overs!
-Okay, so I wanted over 50 minutes of cardio but I have a real excuse and I was only 9 minutes shy. A rain storm tore through the city late in the afternoon just as I needed to start getting ready for the gym and I heard this dripping from the utility closet. I went in there and sure enough, a few itty bitty drops were coming down the vent. So I had to call a roofer (who hasn't returned my call yet which annoys me) and get a bucket to collect what turned out to be a huge tablespoon full of rain water. It was an emergency priority so that's alright, plus 41 minutes minus warm up of hill climbing sweat is pretty good too.

Day 29

I'm feeling great today and I'm sure it's thanks to my great day yesterday. I did have a pretty bad sleep, however. Last night I tried falling asleep and my shoulders just kept hurting (from the workout) and I had restless arms syndrome (haha). So I went to the couch and tried to get comfy eventually falling asleep sometime there soon after. I woke up after having a horrible dream. I've been watching the Bachelorette, and Jill's now down to the last two bachelors, who I as a viewer, definitely approve of. ;) Anyway, I was thinking about how Reid was sent home and you could tell how much he loved her, but he was a little awkward, to me--maybe too shy, unable to express emotions, whatever. So I was thinking about him and how sad it was that she's become so attached to these men, and she's got to throw all of them away but one. Yes, I need a little drama and escapism in my life, so this is where The Bachelorette and Grey's Anatomy fit perfectly. So I went to bed after having watched this. Well my dream went like this:
Andrew and I both decided to go on the Bachelor/Bachelorette simultaneously for some reason, even though we were married like real, and loved each other, etc. Anyway, it's nearing the end of this experience, and Andrew had to decide who to pick. All of a sudden I was one of the women he had to choose from, and this was his show--the Bachelor. So it's between me and Jill, of course. Hello, Jill is beautiful and fun, spontaneous, and I have no chance against her except that I'm already married to Andrew and he is supposed to love me. Well on our 'date' he tells me that he's falling hard for Jill and he has to choose between us. He said even though we were married, I had to prove to him how much I could make him happy, or he was going to Jill. Are you kidding me? Some other bad feeling stuff happened that I can't remember, and then I woke up with this horrible feeling. My Andrew doesn't love me anymore and I pushed him away! Ugh. Of course reality is much more kind. It was upsetting that he was at work already, had taken B to day care already, and I was alone with these thoughts. I started cleaning to get my mind off of it, then had to text him with love notes. lol I'm a suck for my Andrew!

So I got dishes done, which made me feel productive. Two camping bins are still in the living room. sigh At least I did something today. I let myself procrastinate so much that I am always playing catch up with nearly everything in my life. While I was going to classes, I had everything done, neat, perfect, but I was an emotional mess. Now that I'm going through correspondence courses and it's up to me to make deadlines, my life has been going in slow motion, but I'm content most of the time. I need a swift punch in the jeans to get thing done! Now that there's no real pressure from the outside, it's so easy to just be very care free. See I'm blogging about my fattness, and while important, it's only like #3 on my priority list. I still have #2--school to get working on, and #1--my immigration stuff to complete. What a mess! I dream of a day where my #1 is do whatever makes you happy today (included in this are caring for a future child and having fun with my husband--that would make me happy if those were my only worries). I think maybe I'll revise my plan of action, post it here, and make it more concrete so there's incentive to actually do it. Although I'm acting care free right now, I feel unfulfilled. I need my degree and the education that comes with it to feel more complete--more accomplished. Then all I need are a few babies, and with all that I already have, I'm set. I really love my life. I love and absolutely adore my husband. I'm so blessed. 'Just have to master this procrastination thing, and I think then the world will spontaneously morph into chocolate and all will be good.

Meals
1 sub (l/o), made the same as yesterday
2 tbsp onion soup dip
12 potato chips
2 cups of water

1 bowl of peaches and cream oatmeal
1 cup of milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

1/2 cup of strawberries
1 cup of water

6 oz. roast with garlic
2 cups of mixed roast vegetables (potatoes, carrots, onions, celery)
2 cups of water

1 square of Lindt dark chocolate chili
2 cups of water

Exercise
42 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I was very cognisant of my food intake today. After dinner I felt like I wanted sugar because of my previous angel food cake addiction, and there was almost nothing in the house. Thank goodness I've been hiding away my Lindt bar. I think it's taken me 3 months to eat that thing (and it's still good!). So I got a guilty pleasure, but I stopped there. That was very satisfying!
-Exercise was great again today. I've been getting to the gym about 15 minutes later than planned the last two days, so I'm going to try to get there early tomorrow to fit in over 50 minutes of cardio. See in the evenings, I meet a friend after she gets off work, and then I like to come home in time to meet Andrew. I have to make it earlier in order to fit in everything I want so I'll try harder tomorrow. I also tried a different machine today because someone was using the machine that I wanted for calf curls. I did a leg extension where you rest your chest on a bench and hold handles, and you push and extend your leg, one at a time, back. I tell you after that, going upstairs to the other machines was scary! My legs were like jello and they're still a bit wobbly tonight! Funny how you get in to a routine, working many muscles, but then you work just one more, or a different way, and you really notice it! Good times.

Day 28--Week 4--Month 1

Monthly Measurements:

Weight: 344.2 lbs---334.8---no change---total -9.4 pounds lost---current goal 185 lbs.
Body: 52-54-68---51-52-67---lost 1 inch from chest, 2 inches from waist, 1 inch from hips
Arm: 19 in---18.5---lost .5 inch
Thigh: 35.5 in---34.5---lost 1 inch
Calf: 20.5 in---21.5---gained 1 inch

Top size: 4X---4X---same
Bottom size: 5X---5X---same
Ring size: 8---8---same

BMI: 55.5---54---current goal 29.9
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

As far as the overall picture goes, I'm happy with the losses. But here's a summary of the last 4 weeks:
Weeks 1-3: excellent progress, motivated, on track, seeing and feeling results.
Week 4: "Fell off the wagon" so to speak. I started to get comfortable thinking that I could take a day or two off and having it not impact me so greatly. The problem is even though I didn't gain any weight this week, I didn't lose anything either. I worked out very hard on Monday and Tuesday and I have nothing to show for it. I suppose not working out Wednesday through Sunday and not having a weight loss is something to show for it.

Also, my week 4 was bad eating wise. I allowed myself dessert. While not bad as an occasional treat, I bought a dessert that would keep giving. It was a 6 pack of angel food bundt cakes. I bought a large container of 95% fat free Cool Whip to go with it, and cut up strawberries. I ended up eating it all in a matter of a couple of days.

This week I haven't been keeping track of my food either, really. To highlight, I haven't been drinking lots of water, I haven't been to the grocery store for a real shopping trip for fruits and vegetables, I've allowed myself lots of crumpets with margarine and honey, and I've had some dinner choices that haven't been optimal such as battered fish and tater tots. The fish and tots weren't even kept at a minimum; I ate 4 fish pieces and 16 tots, with 2 tbsp of tartar sauce and about 3 tbsp of ketchup...3 cupcakes at one sitting, etc.

So this is a snag in my progress. I thought with all my heart, doing something like this blog would inspire me to not fall into my old ways. The funny thing was, was this was always on my mind. Okay, I have to do something better so that I can post something great. I suppose because I'm literally changing my entire life that I've learned and lived for 29 years, it's bound to be difficult sometimes. Many people have told me to not be so hard on myself. It's hard not to be when all your life, your parents pushed you to be the best. Then there's something like being obese that is not the best, and you have to fix it. So you go out to fix it and you make one little mistake, and the world falls apart. I don't have an excuse for the last 5 days without exercise. I don't claim it to be balance because I believe I just wasn't trying. Balance should be exercising most days of the week and taking a day off when I'm physically too tired, or if I've actually tried. Balance to me forgives mistakes as long as you're willing to get back up and try again.

In my daily life of morning TV watching, that I feel like I'm addicted to doing, I watch my usual shows like currently The Bachelorette and Big Brother, and I like to watch health shows--any obesity related program like the Biggest Loser, or TLC, Slice, or A&E shows about weight, surgeries, addictions, anything medical or psychological. I'm drawn to how the human body and mind work. I guess that fits in with my career of choice, being a nurse. Anyway this morning I watched a show called The 650 lb. Virgin. He's now at a stable 220 lbs, after going through tremendous weight loss and cosmetic surgeries for his extra skin. I can't help but be inspired by all these kinds of shows because you see them when they start out, and forgive me, but like him at 650 lbs, was worse off than me, yet they did it. You see their successes and it's just very inspiring. What the hour long shows don't show is the struggles that go along with it. Now I don't doubt that one day, many people said enough was enough, and did it all perfectly and never got down. But I can't believe that not most of us on this journey to lose this excess weight have failed at first, but gotten back up and tried again, and they did this until their lives were changed, and the bar at which they measured their success was achieved.

In my head, I'm terribly disappointed in myself for the past 5 days. I'm upset that I'm not writing the story of perfection. I hate being flawed. I guess this is what I'm supposed to learn though; that nobody is perfect and the most important thing to do is not having done it perfectly, but never giving up. There's no will power in this really. It's about making healthy choices and putting in a little work. To me, that's not will power. I haven't once white knuckled avoiding anything. Sure I've wanted something, like cookies and not taken them, but I was making a conscious decision to do something that would benefit me, and I chose another treat instead (fruit). I told myself if I really wanted it later, I would have it. I was trying to talk myself into making a good choice most of the time. This week, I stopped talking to myself. I got lazy. I allowed myself to stop trying. I didn't work at what I wanted. I think work is always rewarded. At the end of this work, I'll have a healthy body. That's the best gift I could give to myself and my family.

So here's to another shot at working and trying--putting everything in order. The very fact that it only took me 5 days to come back proves to myself that I'm worth it. The yo-yo dieter, as I am/was, would wait another 6 months or so to do what I did in 5 days. I suppose all the help you can get or give to yourself won't do a thing unless you have the fire inside--the determination to succeed. My success is measured concretely by the stats I'm taking and abstractly by how well I'm living my life. Today, my monthly stats are proof I'm capable of making a change. Time to persevere, putting the bad days behind, learning from those lessons, and moving forward with greatness.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 buttermilk crumpet
1 tsp Becel margarine
1/2 tsp honey
1 cup of milk

2 buttermilk crumpets
2 tsp Becel margarine
1 tsp honey
1 apple
2 cups of water

1 whole grain sub bun
2 cups of spinach, tomato, pickles
2 slices ham
1 slice Swiss cheese
2 tbsp Olive Oil Tuscan Italian dressing
2 cups of salsa salad in a bag (1/4 packet of dressing=approx. 2 tbsp sour cream salsa)
2 cups of water

1 angel food mini bundt cake
1/2 cup Cool Whip
2 cups of water

Exercise
35 minutes interval hill treadmill
35 minutes upper body machines and free weights
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm soooooo happy to have had a great day. Everything food wise, and exercise wise was excellent.

Day 27

Just thought I'd post a pretty picture of orchids. They're my favourite flowers.
http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/black-and-white-orchid-larry-federman.jpg

Day 26

Mommy and B relaxing after a long day.

Day 25

Since I didn't post for today, I thought I'd plug a few of my favourite people's websites:

Erin's Cakes: http://ecakes.blogspot.com/

Jill's Custom Wall Art: http://jillscustomwallart.com/


June's Designs Online: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=85003414217

Day 24

Confessions:

I've been feeling disenchanted for a couple days now. I made the mistake to weigh myself and unofficially count it, every morning. The first 3 weeks were so motivating because I would be less and less everyday. I was also working out and eating right, nearly every day. This week on Tuesday, I weighed myself and it was more than Monday. My sensitive emotions got the better of me and I began to sabotage myself.

Andrew and the old me went out to dinner last night at Montana's. We had a cheese, fatty appetizer with fried goodies for dipping. Then we had the largest order of ribs with garlic mashed potatoes--I skipped the extra cheese, sour cream, and bacon bits that I usually get. Then dessert came, and I instinctively ordered the Mile High Mud Pie. We ate until there was only one bite left. We both passed on the one bite left (how noble). During dinner Andrew told me that he's been reading my blog. He said in reading it, he's noticed recently a lot of "I knew I shouldn't, but I did['s]" type of terminology.

I know I've been playing this game for a few days now. I talk about gaining the balance in my life. What I'm missing is that in balance, I can be okay with the occasional sugar high, or artery clogging piece of deliciousness. What I can't be okay with is doing a little bit everyday. In doing this, all I'm doing is saying it's okay to still live my old lifestyle, just to a lesser degree. I'm trying to completely change. I'm trying to make healthy my priority instead of the exception.

After stepping on the scale and seeing an increase, my motivation didn't just slip out the door, it ran out, screaming bloody murder. I immediately felt defeated. Those all or nothing thoughts, those perfectionist goals started laughing in my face. Failure, failure, failure.
In my head, I know I'm doing better--if we were to graph this process you'd see an overall incline. But these last couple of days, I'd say lets just cut our losses, and shred that f-ing graph because who cares if we play this childish game or not--I'm going to be fat forever no matter what I do. Motivating, hey?

It was an eye opener when Andrew called me out at dinner. I immediately thought to justify it, but almost as immediately minus a second, I thought wait a minute, you do suck right now. Right away I thought about the 1/3 bag of chips during Michael Jackson's memorial. I thought about my food diary, and how I'm not really talking about vegetables and fruits anymore. I remembered what my house looks like, my cupboards, my fridge. It's total chaos. I haven't even put away our camping stuff since we came home from the weekend. There's so much dog hair on the floor, I could send it away to a wig charity. The cupboards are messy, the fridge is empty. So I'm eating whatever's left and it happens to be coming from a box or a bag.

So what do I do with all of this? I'm writing but I'm still feeling down. I realize that body weight fluctuates. Here's a new rule: no more weighing yourself daily. What about food? Dang it. This is my biggest struggle ever! I can quit smoking after 7 years along with all my other vices--what the heck is the problem here?

Okay, maybe food addiction. That seems plausible, but if I were addicted to food, then I think I'd be shovelling it into my mouth all day long which is not the case. I'm okay to go a few hours without and I don't necessarily crave the stuff unless my blood sugar is low, but then that's a normal physiological response. So what is it? I think it's my thinking. I think I'm too hard on myself all the time, in every aspect of my life so if I see a slip or a mistake, I'm just going to keep doing it and sabotaging myself because I don't accept anything less and this is my non caring attitude. What's stupid about that attitude is that in the act of sabotaging myself, that's the least that it can go. That's worst than slipping up once in awhile. But in my head that's acceptable. What gives me the right to fail on purpose?

I need to be healthy. I need to be able to carry a baby to full term and not have my body reject it or put us into unnecessary hardship. I need to outlive my parents' deceased ages so that I actually live to see grandchildren, and not put my children though emotional unease too early in their lives. I need to live with my husband to see our 50th wedding anniversary. I need to free myself of the social pain my body demands.

I guess it comes back to loving yourself. It's difficult to do when you see yourself fail. You start to doubt, resent, and hate yourself. You can't make good choices and have the want if you hate the reason why you're doing it. It could be just my monthly emotions getting the best of me. I hate feeling like this. I'm in a funk that I can't see a way out of. I start trying positive talk and it makes me repel even more. I'm such a rebel!

I have a mantra that's never failed: fake it 'til you make it. I started this in counselling when I discovered that stress was making me impossible to live with. I was rebelling the therapist's advice to try these things that would help me speak softer. Because I didn't want to do them because I was being a child, I faked it. Maybe there was a smidgen of mockery to it in the beginning, but I faked it more. I just wasn't feeling it. Finally, after a while, it would get easier to do it. The fake became real. I've learned how to incorporate that into many struggles that I have that require some sort of change. Now, I suppose, I should fake it the most to get myself back into feeling that I Am Healthy, because I sure as heck don't feel it. Quit being so hard on yourself. I know. I know. I know. Knowing is not doing. Okay, so I'll be fake for awhile--fake feeling good about myself until I do. Just writing this has helped a bit so hopefully it won't be too far off. I do have a psychotic devil on one shoulder, and a lethargic angel on the other. Wake up!

Meals
6 saltine crackers
1 piece of Swiss cheese
3 graham crackers
1 tbsp Becel margarine
5 All Dressed chips (I'm throwing the rest out today because I'm sick of this)
1 mini pizza
2 cups of water

2 mini pizzas
1 cup of watermelon
2 cups of water

1/2 spinach dip appetizer (approx 3/4 cup) all cheesy, hardly any spinach
1/2 fried pita chips (approx 10)
1/3 rack of back ribs, extra apple butter sauce
1/4 cup of garlic mashed potatoes
1 piece of cornbread
2 cups of water

1/2 piece of Mile High Mud Pie (if I could guess, I think the entire thing had 1000 calories)
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I think I've explained everything there is to explain. I overate today. I was old me today. I didn't care today at all. But I wrote this and now I feel better, and hopefully there will be a reevaluation going through my little head and my wimpy little heart.
-My friend had a concert to go to tonight so I decided, thank goodness, I'm not going to the gym either. Stupid.

Day 23

Andrew was reinstalling windows or something like that, so the computer was unavailable on Wednesday. I was too tired to go to the basement and struggle with the slowest computer on earth at 23:30, so I decided to skip my post and make it up.

Meals
2 burritos (l/o)
2 cups of water

3 graham crackers
1 tbsp of Becel margarine
2 cups of water

2 burritos (l/0)
2 cups of water

3 graham crackers
2 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes: sigh

Day 22

This morning I got sucked into watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I can't say that I'm a fan per se, but I do remember being little and seeing my brothers wear leather jackets with cut off arms, adorned with zippers galore, and myself trying to imitate the moon walk--as well as liking a few of his songs, and like it or not, knowing many of his songs.
I thought the memorial was everything an event to remember a passed loved one should be. So striking to me, the Rev. Al Sharpton's talk moved me to tears, as well as Brooke Sheilds' beautiful take on friendship, and the precious words of little Paris. He was an icon--truly the greatest entertainer of all time, therefore a momentous occasion, his untimely passing. I'm humbled at how much one person can touch so many lives. To his fans, he will be missed. To me, it was a moment in history that spoke to me about love and compassion for human nature that I won't soon forget.

Whilst all attention on the TV, I managed to gobble down about 1/3 of a bag of chips. Whatever the heck they were doing in my hands in the first place is absolutely my fault. I should have put a few on a plate and left it at that. Thank goodness, I'm getting in the habit of trying to not eat in front of the TV.

Meals
6 inch sweet onion Teriyaki chicken Subway sandwich (l/o)
approx 1/3 bag of All Dressed chips
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

2 burritos--approx 1/2 cup refried beans
3 oz ground beef
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1/3 cup shredded cheese
1 cup of spinach and tomatoes
2 cups of water

3 graham crackers
1 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

Exercise
50 minutes walking on the treadmill
40 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I've mentioned the chips. That was a huge bad on my part. I'm going to clean out the cupboards and go grocery shopping tomorrow, to get these chips out of my house once and for good.
-As for exercise, I can't say that I was too in to it today. I spent all day watching TV which made me feel lazy. I was lethargic at best as I walked in to the gym, and so my treadmill time was just walking. I didn't push myself at all. I suppose some exercise is good, and maybe you don't always have to push yourself; but if I'm committed to doing 50 minutes, I should make it worth my while! I suppose it was still so much better than nothing. 'And I guess it's about commitment and consistency that make this lifestyle change really work. I'm glad I went and didn't flake out like I wanted to today and yesterday. I need to get better sleep. The wear of this weekend has put me off a bit!