Day 130

I think I'm on the up and up. Andrew got sick about a day or so ahead of me, and so it was too late to "stay away" from him. After all, we're a married couple that still kiss so whatever he has, I get it too.

I'm still a little congested and a tad weak but I'm feeling much more hopeful that life can go on. I'm even going to make a dinner that involves a cutting board tonight, so that's proof right there that I can be a productive member of society, once again.

I already know I've lost weight this week, but only because I've been sick. Of course it's because I've only been eating dinner because I need to, but haven't had an appetite for anything else really during the day. Starving my way to weight loss is something that I refuse to do, so if you see a dramatic drop next weigh in, it's not because I've been awesome. My body is in pain and I can't wait to get back to the gym. Once the dizziness subsides, you know I'll be tying up my runners.

It's such a waste of a good week. This will probably be one of the last snow free weeks we'll see this year, and I was stuck inside. Hopefully I'll throw myself out this weekend and find civilization beyond these walls. Right now, however, so tired...

Meals
1 1/2 cup saffron rice
1 cup chicken tikka masala
1 piece nan bread
2 cups of water

1 cup Neapolitan ice cream

Exercise
None

Day 124-Day 129 (passing over Week 18)

Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu.

:(

*Highlights*
--Chicken noodle soup & non-salted tops Saltines
--Freshly squeezed OJ
--7-up
--Lemon, ginger, and honey tea
--Neapolitan ice cream...LOTS
--Water
--NyQuil
--Couch, TV, no exercise.
--SLEEP
--Tissues
--Thermometers
--Tears
--Aches and pains
--Headaches
--Neti pot that wouldn't flow
--Steamy showers
--SLEEP

Day 123

Rules for Life (on-going):

1. Breathe.

2. 6 A's of conflict:
Acknowledge--Acknowledge that you are not blameless. You have just as much part in the conflict as the other party.
Accuse--DON'T
Articulate--Articulate your pain without accusing.
Accountability--Take accountability for your part without justifications or excuses.
Apologize--Apologize sincerely for your actions, no matter what the intention. If another is hurt by your actions, apologize for that pain.
Accept--Accept apology from the other party graciously with a forgiving heart. If you're willing to accept an apology, you are required to give an apology.

Meals
1 flour tortilla
1 pieces whole grain bread
2.5 scrambled eggs with Pam
1/4 cup low fat shredded cheese
1 cup blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
1 cup skim milk

2 cups chili (l/o)
1 piece of cornbread (l/o)
1 tbsp honey butter (l/o)
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-None

Day 122

The following clips of video are from the animated series "Sealab 2021."

I've been feeling down for a couple weeks, and watching these always cheer me up. Every single time, I draw new tears--actual tears. Hopefully you enjoy the humour as much as I do!

Another shovel, or blanket, whichever you prefer--reading "someecards":
http://www.someecards.com/

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

2 cups of water

2 1/2 cups ground beef, kidney bean, tomatoe, bell pepper, onion chili
3 pieces of homemade cornbread
3 tbsp homemade whipped honey butter
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Ugh. 16 days left.

Day 121

It's been brought to my attention that I'm not losing weight really quickly and perhaps I need surgical assistance because I'm so overweight that it's scary. While I know this cutting observation was made with good intentions, as selfish as they were,

please be reminded:

-I am losing weight as a bonus to creating a healthy lifestyle. The weight and inches lost are a measurable, tangible, reflection of my progress that I am able to calculate from home.


-It's more important for me to develop healthy habits and routines that will facilitate healthy living and increased longevity, as well as creating those habits that will set a good example to my future children brought up surrounded by childhood obesity, than to be a supermodel, skin and bones, with no muscle mass and perhaps a damaged heart.

-While I invite encouragement, I do not take kindly to unsolicited advice that I've previously repeatedly asked not to receive, as this advice feels demeaning and invalidates the extremely hard work that I am doing despite my failures.

I've included a link to the following website as a resource for tips on healthy living:
http://www.helpguide.org/life/healthy_weight_loss.htm

I like the part where it reads, "Aim to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week to ensure healthy weight loss."
Aim, as defined at dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/aim), definition number 4 reads, "4. to strive; try (usually fol. by to or at): We aim to please."

I am striving, trying, aiming for losing weight healthfully, with the goal to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week. Week to week, I'm not reaching that goal yet many times I exceed that goal. If you take out my vacation set back, I will have lost over 20 pounds in 17 weeks. Anyone who can do second grade math can calculate that's over 1 pound per week, and not more than 2 pounds. For now, I think I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to do. Am I in denial? If I am, please tell me.

I would be overjoyed if I could lose 2, 3, 4 pounds a week. I would love to be slim and toned, and look more socially acceptable, faster. Being so overweight, if I tried harder I'm sure I could do that for awhile at that pace. My whole dieting life, however, has been aimed at attempting to lose weight as fast as possible. The result is I always quit, I get discouraged, I fail. I do not want to do that anymore. I do not want to make excuses when it gets so much harder than what it already is. I already make excuses as it is. Fortunately, I'm able to overcome these minor setbacks. These setbacks don't depress me to no end like they always have before. I fear failure. I feel like for the first time in my life, I am actually making a real difference. Why in the world would I change this good thing I have going just because someone thinks I'm not doing it a way that they think I should? Again, if I'm in denial please tell me.

All that said, I will try harder because it's obvious that there's more that I can do, doing it this way. I do understand that seeing -.2 pounds, week after week sometimes, is slow since 1 to 2 pounds per week is a healthy suggested pace. I will aim to meet those goals. I just can't discredit that cute little .2 of a pound though, because it's hard work getting each increment to fall off. I'm proud of my accomplishments despite my critics. I will continue to persevere because I am resilient.

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
2 cups of water

4 oz lemon and rosemary chicken breast (l/o)
2 cups of asparagus
1/2 cup onion
4 cups of water

2 flour tortillas
1 1/2 cups onions, red bell peppers, green bell peppers pan fried in 2 tbsp olive oil and water
3 oz Cajun seasoned chicken breast
1/4 cup shredded low fat cheddar cheese
4 tbsp non-fat sour cream
1 cup of blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
2 cups of water

2 cups of peppermint tea

Exercise
None

Notes:
-NO DESSERT TODAY. This is a huge accomplishment because of all the cupcakes and ice cream that have been invading our house lately. Such a breath of fresh air! Andrew and I were talking about dinner and how eating a yummy meal full of cooked vegetables and then having a bowl of fruit afterwards got us full as if we loaded up on nasty fatty foods and then desserty type items. I suppose part of the trick is finding healthy foods that you love to eat and then eating them. :)
-Yeah, no time for exercise. This is a huge balancing act. I'm just praying that October 31st comes soon so all this stress can melt away. I have to eat better so I'm taking time making meals and cleaning the kitchen. I've sacrificed workout time to fit that in, along with the headache of meal planning and grocery shopping (I'm a stranger to healthy meal planning--there is a huge difference). But I need workout time too. I'll figure out a way soon--just not this minute! As long as I'm doing something right everyday, I think that's a good sacrifice for the next two weeks.

Day 120--Week 17 (plus one day)

333.4 pounds; -.2 pounds this week; -15.4 total pounds.

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

5 slices pizza l/o
1 cup Coke
2 cups of water

3 oz baked lemon and rosemary chicken breast
1 1/2 cups asparagus
1/2 cup onions
2 tsp Becel margarine
1 cup blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
4 cups of water

1 1/2 cupcakes (pumpkin with cream cheese frosting & apple with cinnamon frosting--homemade)
2 Oreo cookies

Exercise
None

Notes:
-This is the last of my incredibly busy time. October 31st, after 10 papers and 2 finals to write, cannot come fast enough.
-Although I made a super healthy dinner, which was delish by the way, I still fit in crap. I felt guilty eating the cupcakes, and Andrew and I came to the conclusion that if they weren't there, we both wouldn't have cared to eat them. Mental note: reduce the amount of crap lurking around to be eaten in the house to avoid the temptation. I still think I get points for making the effort to make a healthy dinner that tasted great. I actually derived my own recipe from a recipe taken from my Skinny Bitch in the Kitch (http://www.skinnybitch.net/) book. I love the message of this book, but I don't believe in getting rid of meat altogether, just trying to minimize the amount I consume.

Day 116-Day 119

Walk Within You

If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored, The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing, The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing, Each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade, Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are. What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you, Be still.
Close your eyes. Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart. I am not gone but merely walk within you.

--Nicholas Evans from The Smoke Jumper

Day 115

~Homework assignment~
Since I have to go shopping, this meal plan will take effect tomorrow.
My more healthy eating plan for the week Friday-Thursday [including only 3 desserts per week, 2 red meat meals-not including left overs-per week (less than 18 oz total), and at least 5 fruits and vegetables per day]:

Friday
L: l/o *red meat
D: Stage West dinner buffet *red meat, *dessert

Saturday
L: Thanksgiving dinner, *dessert
D: l/o

Sunday
L: tuna sandwiches, soup
D: chicken fajitas

Monday
L: l/o
D: Grilled lemon chicken with rosemary, asparagus

Tuesday
L: l/o
D: Salmon, rice pilaf, spinach

Wednesday
L: l/o
D: chicken and biscuits, salad

Thursday
L: l/o
D: Vegetable chicken curry, couscous

Meals
2 bean burritos with sour cream-Taco Bell-l/o
1 cup broccoli and cheese
2 cups of water

1/4 cup semi sweet chocolate chip pieces
1 stick of licorice

1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

Notes:
-Last meal of the day, exercise, and notes were not recorded.

Day 114

I was poking around online and came across a brochure for the American Institute for Cancer Research (AICR)'s Guidelines for Cancer Prevention http://www.colorectal-cancer.ca/IMG/pdf/AICR_Guidelines_for_Cancer_Prevention.pdf.

The three main guidelines for cancer prevention are:
1. Weight: Aim to be a healthy weight throughout life.
2. Physical Activity: Be physically active everyday, in any way, for 30 minutes or more.
3. Diet: Choose mostly plant foods, limit red and avoid processed meat.

The brochure explains that a healthy diet helps fight cancer, as well as exercise through regulating hormones directly fights cancer. Both of these factors also help control weight, so they have double the impact in helping prevent cancer.

I'm so very interested in living a healthy life with the goal of preventing cancer and heart disease. Although there is a genetic component that increases my risk of developing both of these, lifestyle plays a huge role in prevention.

How have I applied this to my life?

I look back at the guidelines and what races through my mind are messages that I do not like: you're exercising, you're really trying to lose weight, you're eating healt...
The end of that word was supposed to be 'hily, as in, "you're eating healthily." I am not.

I thought starting this blog and having this accountability would help push me and motivate me to do everything right, to make sure everything was in place, to be a perfect example. I have the worst eating habits ever! This is not a new realization, but I find that through the weeks I become complacent, and I feel like I have the luxury or the entitlement to eat some ice cream everyday because I love it. Then as I sit here right now I think about the hundreds of calories I pack away, no less nutrient starved sugar & fat, that I'm putting away daily. I feel as if I'm just inviting the cancer to move in, rent free.

How can I be so terrified of getting cancer, yet allow myself to put these things in my mouth? I don't think it's a question of want...as in a recent previous post, it's a question of that stowaway to want: do. I'm not doing anything to ensure I don't get trapped by my laziness and willingness to allow myself to have these bad foods AND to not introduce more good foods.

I'm not a natural cook, and recipes like vegetables and lentils for every meal of everyday does not appeal to me. I am a meat lover--give me a fillet Mignon, blue, and I'm in heaven. I do not like all that fake veggie meat; I'd rather just eat veggies. I just don't know how to prepare grains and veggies as a main meal. It doesn't make sense to me in my meat and potatoes head.

What's my plan? I'm going to search for recipes and suck it up. If I have to start with veggies and lentils for the next month, then it's a start. Yes, I want to enjoy my food, but I think it's more important to start somewhere healthy and then try to modify it after the fact. I could grow to love these lentils, beans, and grains; I am open to the possibility, I'm just scared of failing. My fear has kept me from so much that I'm learning that I just have to jump. Take that leap and try, try, try, try, try. A little pat on my back here--heck I'm jogging now and NEVER thought that possible. That's pretty decent motivation. :)

So-1. Maintaining a healthy weight...that will come with continuing my exercise and fixing my diet.
2. Getting physical activity...I'm so close. The guideline says "everyday." I'll make a very big effort to push on those days I want to relax. I can take a stroll--it counts. It may not be vigorous exercise, but it's light exercise. It's moving my body, my blood, my breath.

3. Choosing mostly plant foods and limiting red meat...This is my struggle. My homework assignment is to make a meal plan for the next week, and begin to include more plant based meals, and eating ice cream less. What does this mean? I can have 3 desserts next week. I can have 2 red meat dishes next week. I'm going to get in my 5 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday.

Wish me luck.

Meals
1 bowl honey nut Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

1 can of spaghetti
4 English muffins
4 tsp Becel margarine
4 cups of water

1 small pumpkin pie blizzard

2 bean burritos with sour cream--Taco Bell
1 fries supreme
1 chicken chalupa
2 cup of water

Exercise
50 minutes treadmill--3 minutes walking : 2 minutes of jogging
40 minutes lower body machines
15 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm jogging. I'm jogging. I'M JOGGING!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 113

I'm not feeling great today. :(

Meals
1 bowl multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

2 flour tortillas
3 egg whites
1/4 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
1 slice of back bacon
2 cups of water

5 Swedish meatballs
5 jalapeno poppers
4 artichoke/spinach wontons
1 cup broccoli with cheese sauce
2 cups of water

2 Oreo ice cream sandwiches
2 cups of water

Exercise
55 minutes treadmill--walk 3:50, jog 1:10
35 upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-None

Day 112--Week 16--Month 4: October 2009

Monthly Measurements:

Weight (as compared to last week): 333.8; -.6 pounds this week; -15.2 total pounds

The following measurements are compared to Week 8; two months ago:
Body: 49.5-50.5-66.5 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -2.5, -3.5, -1.5 total
Arm: 18 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -1 total
Thigh: 35 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -.5 total
Calf: 20 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -.5 total

Top size: 3X; no change; -1X total
Bottom size: 4X-5X; no change; -.5X total
Ring size: 8; slightly looser

BMI: 53.9; +.7 this month; -1.6 total; current goal 29.9
-------------------------------------------------------

I completely skipped over Month 3, or 12 weeks, and I forgot that I was going to start doing my monthly measurements on the first of the month. So, here I am a little late for October, but measurements, none the less.

I'm completely floored that I have not changed any inches, more correctly, floored that I'm not bigger. While being on vacation, I did gain weight, but my muscle mass has balanced that out by weighing more but not having any more inches? For every measurement, I'm exactly what I was 2 months ago.

I'm not happy that I weigh 4 more pounds than I did 2 months ago. I know I've not been great with my food and I'm battling a 5.6 gain, and I know this is exactly the reason why I'm not losing as fast as I'd like. My measurements do motivate me more though because for the simple reason that I've not gained inches and I have gained weight proves to me that I am getting stronger and my body is changing. I just need all this fat to melt around my muscles.

By the way, every muscles on the back side of me, and my chest, hurt! I tell you, that TRX is a monster.

Meals
1 bowl of multi grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana

3/4 cup corn
1 1/2 cups of mashed potatoes
2 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

1 12 inch sub on honey oat bread
pepperoni, salami, ham, white cheddar
lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red onion, pickles, olives
1 line of light mayo
2 lines of southwest sauce
4 cups of water

1 Oreo ice cream sandwich
1 Rolo ice cream sandwich

Exercise
30 minutes treadmill: jog 1:10, walk 3:50, repeat
45 minutes iron reps weight class

Notes:
None

Day 111

General Conference was this weekend and typically we just watch the Sunday morning session. Most of the time it's because we're busy with things on Saturday and honestly forget, because on a Saturday night right before bed we think about what time we need to wake up, setting our alarm clocks for the next day and realize, oh, it's Conference. This weekend didn't go like that because we were planning on a Conference and appetizer extravaganza on Sunday with SIL and BIL, but as my last post says, we actually needed to do things during the day taking up our Saturday conference time. I would like to see a Saturday session for once in my life, lol, so hopefully I can be more diligent in that come April.

Luckily we have a TiVo type appliance that I always refer to as TiVo since everyone knows what that is and I don't have to explain was a PVR is; plus it's not as cool to say, "I PVR'd something" as it is to say, "I TiVo'd it." PVR=personal video recorder. As I was saying, luckily we were able to TiVo Conference allowing me to make my TRX
(http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/reallife/story.html?id=eff17460-6d18-4dd4-8ab1-b3fb987e3665) class at the gym. I love love love the TRX. By the end of 45 minutes, I'm so drenched in sweat and my muscles are so shaky that this morning I started involuntarily crying. Who does that?! I don't know what happened, but at the end, I realized I'm finally done and I did it. I did everything, every rep, everything. It wasn't obvious to anyone else because we were all crying from every sweat pour, and everyone's face was as beet red as the next, but for a second I had real tears. This workout is so intense.

Anyway, so I got home and showered, and we finished up all of our last minute food preparations, and then buffet time ensued. SIL and BIL brought over the yummiest spinach dip with bread, and delicious chicken wrapped in chili and brown sugar bacon. Mouth watering. Andrew and I provided tiny pizzas, veggies and dip, deviled eggs (of course), and a fruit salsa with homemade cinnamon chips. I love appetizer days! Who doesn't love a buffet from the comfort of your own home? We finished Conference and then moved on to continue watching Season One of Heros that we're slowly picking away at, episode by episode. At this point, I'm hooked and at the end of each episode, we're always craving more. We borrowed one DVD to catch up on last week because of course, SIL and BIL couldn't wait for us, so we had 5 or 6 to watch within that week. It took us all of Monday night to catch up! Andrew got home from work and we watched all the episodes until bed. So productive, I know, but so worth it!

This whole weekend was about family and food. What could be better?

Meals
1 English muffin pizza: 1 English muffin, 1 tbsp pizza sauce, 2 thin slices back bacon, 2 tsp pineapple, 2 tbsp mozza and cheddar cheese
3 bacon wrapped chicken pieces--bite size
3 deviled eggs
1/2 cup cucumber
2 tbsp sour cream dip
1/3 cup fruit salsa
1 flour tortilla with cinnamon sugar (cinnamon chips)
approx 3/4 cup ripped bread
1/3 cup spinach dip
5 all dressed chips
2 cups of water

2 chocolate chip cookies
2 cups of water

4 English muffin pizzas
2 all dressed chips
2 deviled eggs
3 chocolate chip cookies
4 cups of water

1 A&W cream soda

Exercise
45 minute TRX class

Notes:
-As much food as I had, it was a struggle not to eat twice that amount. I had my one plate, and didn't go back for more. It was so delicious, but after seeing how many dips, sugars, and fats were on the table, I felt kind of guilty that I had just done this amazing workout and now I was going to feed myself silly. I so wanted to eat 2 or 3 plates worth, but the one plate I had was so good and I ate it slowly enough that it did the job. My mouth is watering thinking about those bacon wrapped chicken bites. mmmmm

Day 110

We spent the better part of the day cleaning this messy house--what's been piling around the renovations. Andrew's been putting in our kitchen floor for awhile now, but it's finally done and it looks amazing! I'm very happy with the results! My poor husband was on his knees for 4 hours which resulted in a numb side of the leg, but to have it finally finished is a weight off both of our shoulders (and worth it a little bit?--I'll have to check with him on that one).

Andrew's parents were visiting SIL and BIL, actually more accurately they were probably just there to visit their grandchild :), so on their way back to their house they asked to stop in and visit with us. The games was on so we thought, perfect--BBQ and Andrew could watch the game with his dad, which he loves to do so much. The rib dinner was fantastic if I do say so myself. Earlier in the day in preparing the meals, Andrew and I made Nire's chocolate chip cookies together. That was fun because Andrew was the one who actually did all the mixing of ingredients and all I did was put them on the parchment paper and tossed them in the oven. It was so cute to see my hubby taking an interest and helping me out baking cookies! He totally touches my heart in the smallest little acts and he doesn't even know it. The night ended beautifully, and I couldn't believe my eyes as we all started cheering as our Flames won in the last minute after Khabibulin (the Oiler's goalie) handed it to us on a silver platter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us8XC-Nfm14 I feel sorry for the poor guy, but it sealed a victory for us and continued a great start for the season.

Oh and I have to say to Nire, Andrew and I agree that they are the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.

Meals
1 A&W cream soda

4 cups of water

7 honey garlic bonanza back ribs
1/2 cup mashed potatoes with 1 tbsp herb & spice cream cheese
1/2 cup corn
1/4 cup imitation crab cocktail
6 homemade chocolate chip cookies
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Yeah, with food today I kept planning on eating but then had to do this one thing first which translated into me not eating all day until all was done and we sat down to dinner. Ugh

Day 109

Another day of cleaning has started...
--------------------------------------

Posting late and can't remember this far back.

Day 108

I'm beginning to address my hoarding issues. I'm not as bad as the people on TV, but everything the interventionists talk about with the hoarders, I see in me. It's difficult to throw out anything that's been given to me, or that I've purchased for some future purpose. The two worst offenders are (one) the countless sentimental items that I've accumulated over the years given to me by important people in my life, and (two) "craft stuff."

Let me address the "craft stuff" first. You'll see on TV how these people have countless bags--unopened bags--of all this stuff that they've compulsively bought because perhaps they have a hobby and felt that they needed it, and it must be purchased because it was a good deal and on sale. I am notorious for going to, dare I speak the M word, Michael's, and walking up and down the scrapbooking isles (which after my cake decorating classes now recently include cake decorating isles) looking for sale items or something pretty that I will need later. I'll pack the cart-over dramatic-I'll load the cart with these items that I can't stand to be apart from because it excites me of all the creations I can make. Then I see that I'm potentially about to spend hundreds of dollars that we don't have, so I take an exaggerated amount of time deciding what stays and what can go and put away most of my cart ending up only having spent a hundred dollars, and I feel accomplished like not only do I have these amazing bargains, but I also had enough restraint to not spend as much as I wanted, and so it's some sort of reward that I get to buy these few items because it's better than not buying half the store. Luckily I've realized this tiny little flaw in myself and the occurrence of my shopping trips have expertly decreased to maybe once every two months versus once every two weeks. Even at the minimum I can say right now that it's not ever really in our budget, but once I'm there it becomes an exception to the rule because I'd never be able get that certain item at that fine price if I don't get it now. I could say with confidence that this is no longer a financial problem that I can't control, but the residual stuff that I've accumulated that's suffocating the space in my house, is a problem. There's nowhere for it to go! So it sits in bags, not being used, not fulfilling it's destiny.

The most asinine thing about this whole collecting of craft stuff is that I have not made one single scrapbook page for myself with any of my thousands of dollars of supplies. I have made countless birthday cards, not to brag but in my opinion--beautiful cards, but the purpose of this stuff was to consolidate all the pictures and scrapbookable items I have so I have a wonderful place for all my most precious memories, so they're not just strewn about haphazardly in another pile, sitting right next to the bag pile of craft stuff. This hurts me to the core that my memories could be depleting and I haven't saved them in time.

Going back to hanging on to those precious, sentimental items I've been given from important people in my life...Here the worst offenders are the countless pieces of jewellery, knick knacks, and gifts either my mother owned, or she gave to me. The very fact that she touched them makes me so attached to these pieces that I would be the worst person in the world to ever part with them or so I believe.

Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer at the age of 44. I was 10 or 11 at the time. She was my everything and she was dying. As I read books or watch movies depicting the last years and months of a cancer victim, I see how weak and how much pain that person goes through. My 10 or 11 year old heart didn't see her struggle and my adult brain cannot prove to myself that it did happen. But nursing school and common sense tells me that it did. I do remember her last week. How vividly do I remember the night she passed, my now 13 year old purposefully induced insomnia sitting up with her all night, colouring a colouring book she promised we'd colour together but never did. We did mom. I coloured for both of us. I was with you at breath 100, 99, 98, 97...

So throughout her struggle to live these last years, instead of doing things she'd never done, going on far away trips (she did make it to her favourite place, La Jolla, a couple of times) what she did was spent her time making lists and preparing these things on her lists, lists of things she needed to prepare for us, her 5 children, before she passed. My mother died when I was 13 years old, entering grade 8, and this is what she prepared for me:
The night of her passing I received a teddy bear with a picture of us and on the back it read something like 'you cannot see or hear me, but teddy and I can see and hear you so give teddy a hug when you're feeling blue and I'll be with you'.
She left a Christmas present for the first Christmas without her.
I received gifts from her on graduating Jr. High school, my 16th birthday, my 18th birthday, high school graduation, my wedding, and I have yet to open gifts for my first child. Each gift came with a card with something written and signed by her.
She spent all her time doing this for me, and my 4 other siblings. She was dying and all she could think about was us.

How do you throw away, just the very phrase "throw away," seems so demeaning--how do you throw away those gifts? How do you throw out all the little figurines she loved to buy me because at one point I was into monkeys and she had to buy me a set of monkeys for my night stand? How do I part with these memories? How do you throw out a broken and useless nativity scene that she bought and we used to put up every Christmas for as long as I remember? How do you fix your own life and get rid of the clutter while not dishonouring a dying woman's last days of picking those things out for you instead of caring for herself? She gave me a hope chest and it's overflowing with these things. These are things I will never wear, and never want to display, but they're things that when I take them out of the darkness, I get to remember how much my mother loved me. But there's so much.

There's so much because I can't decided what gets to stay and what gets to go when you add all the things to this that remind me of Dad. Now Dad was opposite and didn't give gifts very often (I'm talking one gift, maybe once a year) because he didn't believe in spending the money for all this stuff you don't absolutely need. How it worked between them is beyond me. So what I have collected from my dad is mostly paperwork with his name on it: old passports, receipts, poems and letters he wrote, membership cards and driver's licences, lists he made. Because I didn't know much about him, about what made him tick, I have all these things that I can pretend give me a clearer picture of who my dad was on the inside, aside from the abusive alcoholic I grew up with. I have boxes of this stuff.

Then there's little things that take up room because they're delicate. I have a dried lily my littlest brother gave to me on my high school graduation. That was very uncharacteristic of him and one of 3 gifts I have ever received from him. I have a dried rose that my second oldest brother gave me when I pretended I was pregnant in high school for attention and I told him and he was there to support me. I have a fabric bracelet that my oldest brother gave to me when he was on leave from the CCC, or the air force, or jail-I can't remember. 'But he gave it to me and I held onto it. I hold on to things that remind me of my life because it seems everyone in my life leaves.

So how do you part with this stuff? Do I part with this stuff? How do I decide what stays and what goes? This is why it takes me 4 hours to sort through one box, and then have a tickled bag of trash scraps at the end that could easily be mistaken for untouched.

The dilemma is that I want a simple life and I don't want any of this stuff that's creating clutter! I crave clean lines and lightly decorated shelves. I want space to breathe, to think, to move within my own, present, life. I want to feel like I have room to scrapbook instead of walking all over boxes. I want to have a memory, a nostalgic smile, but not every time I open a box forced to relive my life for the next 8 hours shuffling through everything.

I think I know I have to throw out some stuff. It's just deciding what stuff that gives me the anxiety, fear, and subsequent procrastination. sigh

Meals
6 buttermilk pancakes
3 tsp becel margarine
1/4 cup blueberry syrup
1 cup of milk

1 steak and cheddar Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 can of A&W cream soda
2 pieces cheese pizza stuffed crust Pizza Hut
2 pieces pep & mush thin crust
4 cups of water

1/4 piece frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I'm currently cleaning the house room by room in preparation to paint in order to sell our house. I'm also trying to finish up 2 correspondence courses. Here are my excuses for my bad microwaving/fast food diet and non-existent exercise for the last two days. It's just for a few days. I just need the house clean for entertaining over the weekend, then I'll push in some time for myself. I just literally do not have one more minute to fit anything else in. Is that a good excuse for treating my body like crap? No. I feel guilty about it, but I'm not prepared to do anything about it or else my stress with skyrocket. I have to pick my battles and right now, this is not one to dwell on and cry about. I don't have time today. I know that it's only for a few days. I know it's not forever. I know I'm not developing a "bad habit." But as I try to break one, sometimes less than desirable has to be the default.