Day 179-200: Revamped

In keeping with a resilient attitude, here I am once again. I've had lots of time for myself to reflect on my personal feelings--feelings to be shared soon enough.

For now I just want to say welcome back to me. I've missed me. I knew I could do it.

'And thank you to all those who continue to tirelessly support me. Your love is not in vain.

-e

Day 156- Day 178: Hiatus

That's all. 'Just a hiatus.

e

Day 155: I quit.

All or nothing head interloped into the spirit of this blog.

I began to despise the pressure I was putting on myself to take the time to post every day. I don't have endless hours a day to spend writing albeit something I love to do. Currently I have too many other projects, needs, priorities to attend to, that blogging unfortunately became "another one of those things" and it so happens one of those things that could be done away with at a less valuable expense. I quit.

I've missed being able to keep in touch by checking other's blogs. I've missed being able to vent. Missed were seeing my awesome, pat-myself-on-the-back accomplishments--my personal victories. I need those things, every one of them.

What killed it for me, pushing me over the edge, was going back about 4.5 weeks ago. I received an email from someone very close to me suggesting that despite all my efforts of various hard works, I was asked if I had given any more thought into pursuing surgical intervention to aid my weight loss--because they were "worried" about me, after numerous times I declined the invitation to have a conversation about the subject, and I thought made clear that that subject matter was not acceptable. I have been suggested to, rather told, all my life what I "should" do or what I must do, and I did not want that in my life anymore. Yet I was disrespected once again, and subsequently became disgusted with how I perceived people look at me.

I've never been much of an overconfident person. I'm shy by nature. I've battled low self-esteem. I feel judged because all my life I've been judged by my closest support people--i.e. my father. For the most part, I grew up learning that I was not good enough. I learned that I was a bad person for crying, that I had no truly good ideas, that I was worthless because I was never the best. Enter "all or nothing," guilt, doubt, and perfectionism to guide my coping mechanisms for the rest of my life. As the years have progressed, I now surrounding myself around real supportive people, and I've learned that these idea I had about myself were false. It doesn't negate the fact that the fabric of my being was sewn with these harsh threads. I'm very aware of how I feel society should be treated, not just myself. I'm on guard to make sure I never have to unjustly feel those ways again. So when someone threatens my safety, someone who I trust disrespects me and goes against my values, there are certain feelings that unfortunately will make a return.

I began thinking, heck, am I just fooling myself? Am I in this much denial? I started thinking that maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe I'm writing crap on here and I should go get a surgery I'm vehemently against because everyone sees it except for me. I thought, well who cares about this blog? How many people are reading and seeing that I'm a lost cause, that I'm worthless? Doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt.

I felt foolish to spill my insides. This wasn't helping anyone if what they all thought was that I should stop and get surgery. I was defeated. I was spending hours crossing all my T's and doting all my I's just to be laughed at. I quit.

(I do know not everyone feels this way and I'm confident it was ONLY that person who felt that way, so thank you to my supporters. I don't mean to suggest ANY of you are a problem, quite opposite, you are my esteem builders and I'm so grateful to you.)

At the time I was also grieving the loss of my baby who I miscarried one year ago. It was the anniversary. I wasn't in a place to get out of bed, much less blog about weight loss to futile means. I quit.

One of my best friends lost a close family member suddenly, unexpectedly. I was hurting for them. On top of my own stresses, I was stressed for them. I quit.

Then there's the list of everything else filling the glass: fixing up and cleaning out our house to put on the market in time to take possession of a new house (and new mortgage), finishing my Bachelor's degree and taking those courses online (with no time management skills to speak of), pressure to make a baby that I am hopeless about being able to carry (from history of miscarriage and now 13 months of infertility), finishing up the paperwork for immigration (I don't know where to start), and keeping a calm house with dinner on the table and poop off the dog. Too much to do. I quit.

These stresses landed me a quick visit to the ER last night. I was having bad chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, felt like there was a lump in my throat, and I had a racing pulse. Given my weight, my "high normal" blood pressure, and the fact that Dad passed away from a heart attack scared me into a panic so badly that I was having Andrew nearly run the stop lights. I had an EKG and chest x-ray and this is what they found: nothing abnormal.

I am and have always been "healthy on paper." I've had anemia before but not always, my high normal BP is still "normal", and some unexplained infertility which is probably related to a lot of stress, but healthy otherwise--you know, no diabetes, cholesterol is within normal limits, healthy heart and lungs, and other organs, no diseases. But orphaned by my parents who both died of lifestyle diseases has scared me into thinking the worst for myself because of my weight. The doc reassured me though, given my stress tests of being on the treadmill 3-4 times a week at 50-60 minutes and not having any problems again reassured the doc that my cardiac fitness was good.

From my understanding I was having an anxiety attack--something I've never experienced before. Thank goodness I had those reassuring tests. Thank goodness I had the brain to be safe and get it checked out, but better that it was nothing bad. What this has made me think of, however, is that I should probably order these orchids a little better and learn how to manage my life without all of this stress.

So my new plan is to try to give myself a schedule and task out what needs to get done and just start doing it. Perfectionism tells me that if I start and even have the possibility of failing, it's not worth it. Then nothing gets done, the monkey on the back starts screaming, and here I am in the ER again scared I'm dying of a heart attack. NOT GOOD. I want to write. I will continue to write. But I will write when it suites me and doesn't interfere with a good night's sleep or time to spend with my husband as that time is so precious lately. I can't feel badly for changing my template in the middle of this however much it irks me to the bone. I have to be flexible. I promise myself not to just stop writing, but it won't be everyday, and I'll still succeed. This topic of balance keeps coming up and it's what's going to make me the happiest person I can be. So to stress and worrying about what people think, and feeling I have to do it all, I quit.

Interesting side note, I have been teetering between 329-333 pounds for the last 3.5 weeks. There have been lots of fast food because I've been too depressed to cook, and lots of no exercising because I've been too depressed to get out of bed. I just needed time to deal with these emotions I was feeling and I'm okay now. I should give massive props to my wonderful husband who's had to go through this with me, as he's been the best support I've ever had. I'm so blessed.

I'll take proper measurements on Monday...keeping all the orchids in order and such.

Day 131-Day 154: Time Off

3.5 weeks off. Time to come back.

Day 130

I think I'm on the up and up. Andrew got sick about a day or so ahead of me, and so it was too late to "stay away" from him. After all, we're a married couple that still kiss so whatever he has, I get it too.

I'm still a little congested and a tad weak but I'm feeling much more hopeful that life can go on. I'm even going to make a dinner that involves a cutting board tonight, so that's proof right there that I can be a productive member of society, once again.

I already know I've lost weight this week, but only because I've been sick. Of course it's because I've only been eating dinner because I need to, but haven't had an appetite for anything else really during the day. Starving my way to weight loss is something that I refuse to do, so if you see a dramatic drop next weigh in, it's not because I've been awesome. My body is in pain and I can't wait to get back to the gym. Once the dizziness subsides, you know I'll be tying up my runners.

It's such a waste of a good week. This will probably be one of the last snow free weeks we'll see this year, and I was stuck inside. Hopefully I'll throw myself out this weekend and find civilization beyond these walls. Right now, however, so tired...

Meals
1 1/2 cup saffron rice
1 cup chicken tikka masala
1 piece nan bread
2 cups of water

1 cup Neapolitan ice cream

Exercise
None

Day 124-Day 129 (passing over Week 18)

Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu.

:(

*Highlights*
--Chicken noodle soup & non-salted tops Saltines
--Freshly squeezed OJ
--7-up
--Lemon, ginger, and honey tea
--Neapolitan ice cream...LOTS
--Water
--NyQuil
--Couch, TV, no exercise.
--SLEEP
--Tissues
--Thermometers
--Tears
--Aches and pains
--Headaches
--Neti pot that wouldn't flow
--Steamy showers
--SLEEP

Day 123

Rules for Life (on-going):

1. Breathe.

2. 6 A's of conflict:
Acknowledge--Acknowledge that you are not blameless. You have just as much part in the conflict as the other party.
Accuse--DON'T
Articulate--Articulate your pain without accusing.
Accountability--Take accountability for your part without justifications or excuses.
Apologize--Apologize sincerely for your actions, no matter what the intention. If another is hurt by your actions, apologize for that pain.
Accept--Accept apology from the other party graciously with a forgiving heart. If you're willing to accept an apology, you are required to give an apology.

Meals
1 flour tortilla
1 pieces whole grain bread
2.5 scrambled eggs with Pam
1/4 cup low fat shredded cheese
1 cup blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
1 cup skim milk

2 cups chili (l/o)
1 piece of cornbread (l/o)
1 tbsp honey butter (l/o)
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-None

Day 122

The following clips of video are from the animated series "Sealab 2021."

I've been feeling down for a couple weeks, and watching these always cheer me up. Every single time, I draw new tears--actual tears. Hopefully you enjoy the humour as much as I do!

Another shovel, or blanket, whichever you prefer--reading "someecards":
http://www.someecards.com/

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

2 cups of water

2 1/2 cups ground beef, kidney bean, tomatoe, bell pepper, onion chili
3 pieces of homemade cornbread
3 tbsp homemade whipped honey butter
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Ugh. 16 days left.

Day 121

It's been brought to my attention that I'm not losing weight really quickly and perhaps I need surgical assistance because I'm so overweight that it's scary. While I know this cutting observation was made with good intentions, as selfish as they were,

please be reminded:

-I am losing weight as a bonus to creating a healthy lifestyle. The weight and inches lost are a measurable, tangible, reflection of my progress that I am able to calculate from home.


-It's more important for me to develop healthy habits and routines that will facilitate healthy living and increased longevity, as well as creating those habits that will set a good example to my future children brought up surrounded by childhood obesity, than to be a supermodel, skin and bones, with no muscle mass and perhaps a damaged heart.

-While I invite encouragement, I do not take kindly to unsolicited advice that I've previously repeatedly asked not to receive, as this advice feels demeaning and invalidates the extremely hard work that I am doing despite my failures.

I've included a link to the following website as a resource for tips on healthy living:
http://www.helpguide.org/life/healthy_weight_loss.htm

I like the part where it reads, "Aim to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week to ensure healthy weight loss."
Aim, as defined at dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/aim), definition number 4 reads, "4. to strive; try (usually fol. by to or at): We aim to please."

I am striving, trying, aiming for losing weight healthfully, with the goal to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week. Week to week, I'm not reaching that goal yet many times I exceed that goal. If you take out my vacation set back, I will have lost over 20 pounds in 17 weeks. Anyone who can do second grade math can calculate that's over 1 pound per week, and not more than 2 pounds. For now, I think I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to do. Am I in denial? If I am, please tell me.

I would be overjoyed if I could lose 2, 3, 4 pounds a week. I would love to be slim and toned, and look more socially acceptable, faster. Being so overweight, if I tried harder I'm sure I could do that for awhile at that pace. My whole dieting life, however, has been aimed at attempting to lose weight as fast as possible. The result is I always quit, I get discouraged, I fail. I do not want to do that anymore. I do not want to make excuses when it gets so much harder than what it already is. I already make excuses as it is. Fortunately, I'm able to overcome these minor setbacks. These setbacks don't depress me to no end like they always have before. I fear failure. I feel like for the first time in my life, I am actually making a real difference. Why in the world would I change this good thing I have going just because someone thinks I'm not doing it a way that they think I should? Again, if I'm in denial please tell me.

All that said, I will try harder because it's obvious that there's more that I can do, doing it this way. I do understand that seeing -.2 pounds, week after week sometimes, is slow since 1 to 2 pounds per week is a healthy suggested pace. I will aim to meet those goals. I just can't discredit that cute little .2 of a pound though, because it's hard work getting each increment to fall off. I'm proud of my accomplishments despite my critics. I will continue to persevere because I am resilient.

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
2 cups of water

4 oz lemon and rosemary chicken breast (l/o)
2 cups of asparagus
1/2 cup onion
4 cups of water

2 flour tortillas
1 1/2 cups onions, red bell peppers, green bell peppers pan fried in 2 tbsp olive oil and water
3 oz Cajun seasoned chicken breast
1/4 cup shredded low fat cheddar cheese
4 tbsp non-fat sour cream
1 cup of blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
2 cups of water

2 cups of peppermint tea

Exercise
None

Notes:
-NO DESSERT TODAY. This is a huge accomplishment because of all the cupcakes and ice cream that have been invading our house lately. Such a breath of fresh air! Andrew and I were talking about dinner and how eating a yummy meal full of cooked vegetables and then having a bowl of fruit afterwards got us full as if we loaded up on nasty fatty foods and then desserty type items. I suppose part of the trick is finding healthy foods that you love to eat and then eating them. :)
-Yeah, no time for exercise. This is a huge balancing act. I'm just praying that October 31st comes soon so all this stress can melt away. I have to eat better so I'm taking time making meals and cleaning the kitchen. I've sacrificed workout time to fit that in, along with the headache of meal planning and grocery shopping (I'm a stranger to healthy meal planning--there is a huge difference). But I need workout time too. I'll figure out a way soon--just not this minute! As long as I'm doing something right everyday, I think that's a good sacrifice for the next two weeks.

Day 120--Week 17 (plus one day)

333.4 pounds; -.2 pounds this week; -15.4 total pounds.

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

5 slices pizza l/o
1 cup Coke
2 cups of water

3 oz baked lemon and rosemary chicken breast
1 1/2 cups asparagus
1/2 cup onions
2 tsp Becel margarine
1 cup blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
4 cups of water

1 1/2 cupcakes (pumpkin with cream cheese frosting & apple with cinnamon frosting--homemade)
2 Oreo cookies

Exercise
None

Notes:
-This is the last of my incredibly busy time. October 31st, after 10 papers and 2 finals to write, cannot come fast enough.
-Although I made a super healthy dinner, which was delish by the way, I still fit in crap. I felt guilty eating the cupcakes, and Andrew and I came to the conclusion that if they weren't there, we both wouldn't have cared to eat them. Mental note: reduce the amount of crap lurking around to be eaten in the house to avoid the temptation. I still think I get points for making the effort to make a healthy dinner that tasted great. I actually derived my own recipe from a recipe taken from my Skinny Bitch in the Kitch (http://www.skinnybitch.net/) book. I love the message of this book, but I don't believe in getting rid of meat altogether, just trying to minimize the amount I consume.

Day 116-Day 119

Walk Within You

If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored, The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing, The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing, Each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade, Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are. What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you, Be still.
Close your eyes. Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart. I am not gone but merely walk within you.

--Nicholas Evans from The Smoke Jumper

Day 115

~Homework assignment~
Since I have to go shopping, this meal plan will take effect tomorrow.
My more healthy eating plan for the week Friday-Thursday [including only 3 desserts per week, 2 red meat meals-not including left overs-per week (less than 18 oz total), and at least 5 fruits and vegetables per day]:

Friday
L: l/o *red meat
D: Stage West dinner buffet *red meat, *dessert

Saturday
L: Thanksgiving dinner, *dessert
D: l/o

Sunday
L: tuna sandwiches, soup
D: chicken fajitas

Monday
L: l/o
D: Grilled lemon chicken with rosemary, asparagus

Tuesday
L: l/o
D: Salmon, rice pilaf, spinach

Wednesday
L: l/o
D: chicken and biscuits, salad

Thursday
L: l/o
D: Vegetable chicken curry, couscous

Meals
2 bean burritos with sour cream-Taco Bell-l/o
1 cup broccoli and cheese
2 cups of water

1/4 cup semi sweet chocolate chip pieces
1 stick of licorice

1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

Notes:
-Last meal of the day, exercise, and notes were not recorded.

Day 114

I was poking around online and came across a brochure for the American Institute for Cancer Research (AICR)'s Guidelines for Cancer Prevention http://www.colorectal-cancer.ca/IMG/pdf/AICR_Guidelines_for_Cancer_Prevention.pdf.

The three main guidelines for cancer prevention are:
1. Weight: Aim to be a healthy weight throughout life.
2. Physical Activity: Be physically active everyday, in any way, for 30 minutes or more.
3. Diet: Choose mostly plant foods, limit red and avoid processed meat.

The brochure explains that a healthy diet helps fight cancer, as well as exercise through regulating hormones directly fights cancer. Both of these factors also help control weight, so they have double the impact in helping prevent cancer.

I'm so very interested in living a healthy life with the goal of preventing cancer and heart disease. Although there is a genetic component that increases my risk of developing both of these, lifestyle plays a huge role in prevention.

How have I applied this to my life?

I look back at the guidelines and what races through my mind are messages that I do not like: you're exercising, you're really trying to lose weight, you're eating healt...
The end of that word was supposed to be 'hily, as in, "you're eating healthily." I am not.

I thought starting this blog and having this accountability would help push me and motivate me to do everything right, to make sure everything was in place, to be a perfect example. I have the worst eating habits ever! This is not a new realization, but I find that through the weeks I become complacent, and I feel like I have the luxury or the entitlement to eat some ice cream everyday because I love it. Then as I sit here right now I think about the hundreds of calories I pack away, no less nutrient starved sugar & fat, that I'm putting away daily. I feel as if I'm just inviting the cancer to move in, rent free.

How can I be so terrified of getting cancer, yet allow myself to put these things in my mouth? I don't think it's a question of want...as in a recent previous post, it's a question of that stowaway to want: do. I'm not doing anything to ensure I don't get trapped by my laziness and willingness to allow myself to have these bad foods AND to not introduce more good foods.

I'm not a natural cook, and recipes like vegetables and lentils for every meal of everyday does not appeal to me. I am a meat lover--give me a fillet Mignon, blue, and I'm in heaven. I do not like all that fake veggie meat; I'd rather just eat veggies. I just don't know how to prepare grains and veggies as a main meal. It doesn't make sense to me in my meat and potatoes head.

What's my plan? I'm going to search for recipes and suck it up. If I have to start with veggies and lentils for the next month, then it's a start. Yes, I want to enjoy my food, but I think it's more important to start somewhere healthy and then try to modify it after the fact. I could grow to love these lentils, beans, and grains; I am open to the possibility, I'm just scared of failing. My fear has kept me from so much that I'm learning that I just have to jump. Take that leap and try, try, try, try, try. A little pat on my back here--heck I'm jogging now and NEVER thought that possible. That's pretty decent motivation. :)

So-1. Maintaining a healthy weight...that will come with continuing my exercise and fixing my diet.
2. Getting physical activity...I'm so close. The guideline says "everyday." I'll make a very big effort to push on those days I want to relax. I can take a stroll--it counts. It may not be vigorous exercise, but it's light exercise. It's moving my body, my blood, my breath.

3. Choosing mostly plant foods and limiting red meat...This is my struggle. My homework assignment is to make a meal plan for the next week, and begin to include more plant based meals, and eating ice cream less. What does this mean? I can have 3 desserts next week. I can have 2 red meat dishes next week. I'm going to get in my 5 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday.

Wish me luck.

Meals
1 bowl honey nut Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

1 can of spaghetti
4 English muffins
4 tsp Becel margarine
4 cups of water

1 small pumpkin pie blizzard

2 bean burritos with sour cream--Taco Bell
1 fries supreme
1 chicken chalupa
2 cup of water

Exercise
50 minutes treadmill--3 minutes walking : 2 minutes of jogging
40 minutes lower body machines
15 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm jogging. I'm jogging. I'M JOGGING!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 113

I'm not feeling great today. :(

Meals
1 bowl multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

2 flour tortillas
3 egg whites
1/4 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
1 slice of back bacon
2 cups of water

5 Swedish meatballs
5 jalapeno poppers
4 artichoke/spinach wontons
1 cup broccoli with cheese sauce
2 cups of water

2 Oreo ice cream sandwiches
2 cups of water

Exercise
55 minutes treadmill--walk 3:50, jog 1:10
35 upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-None

Day 112--Week 16--Month 4: October 2009

Monthly Measurements:

Weight (as compared to last week): 333.8; -.6 pounds this week; -15.2 total pounds

The following measurements are compared to Week 8; two months ago:
Body: 49.5-50.5-66.5 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -2.5, -3.5, -1.5 total
Arm: 18 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -1 total
Thigh: 35 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -.5 total
Calf: 20 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -.5 total

Top size: 3X; no change; -1X total
Bottom size: 4X-5X; no change; -.5X total
Ring size: 8; slightly looser

BMI: 53.9; +.7 this month; -1.6 total; current goal 29.9
-------------------------------------------------------

I completely skipped over Month 3, or 12 weeks, and I forgot that I was going to start doing my monthly measurements on the first of the month. So, here I am a little late for October, but measurements, none the less.

I'm completely floored that I have not changed any inches, more correctly, floored that I'm not bigger. While being on vacation, I did gain weight, but my muscle mass has balanced that out by weighing more but not having any more inches? For every measurement, I'm exactly what I was 2 months ago.

I'm not happy that I weigh 4 more pounds than I did 2 months ago. I know I've not been great with my food and I'm battling a 5.6 gain, and I know this is exactly the reason why I'm not losing as fast as I'd like. My measurements do motivate me more though because for the simple reason that I've not gained inches and I have gained weight proves to me that I am getting stronger and my body is changing. I just need all this fat to melt around my muscles.

By the way, every muscles on the back side of me, and my chest, hurt! I tell you, that TRX is a monster.

Meals
1 bowl of multi grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana

3/4 cup corn
1 1/2 cups of mashed potatoes
2 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

1 12 inch sub on honey oat bread
pepperoni, salami, ham, white cheddar
lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red onion, pickles, olives
1 line of light mayo
2 lines of southwest sauce
4 cups of water

1 Oreo ice cream sandwich
1 Rolo ice cream sandwich

Exercise
30 minutes treadmill: jog 1:10, walk 3:50, repeat
45 minutes iron reps weight class

Notes:
None

Day 111

General Conference was this weekend and typically we just watch the Sunday morning session. Most of the time it's because we're busy with things on Saturday and honestly forget, because on a Saturday night right before bed we think about what time we need to wake up, setting our alarm clocks for the next day and realize, oh, it's Conference. This weekend didn't go like that because we were planning on a Conference and appetizer extravaganza on Sunday with SIL and BIL, but as my last post says, we actually needed to do things during the day taking up our Saturday conference time. I would like to see a Saturday session for once in my life, lol, so hopefully I can be more diligent in that come April.

Luckily we have a TiVo type appliance that I always refer to as TiVo since everyone knows what that is and I don't have to explain was a PVR is; plus it's not as cool to say, "I PVR'd something" as it is to say, "I TiVo'd it." PVR=personal video recorder. As I was saying, luckily we were able to TiVo Conference allowing me to make my TRX
(http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/reallife/story.html?id=eff17460-6d18-4dd4-8ab1-b3fb987e3665) class at the gym. I love love love the TRX. By the end of 45 minutes, I'm so drenched in sweat and my muscles are so shaky that this morning I started involuntarily crying. Who does that?! I don't know what happened, but at the end, I realized I'm finally done and I did it. I did everything, every rep, everything. It wasn't obvious to anyone else because we were all crying from every sweat pour, and everyone's face was as beet red as the next, but for a second I had real tears. This workout is so intense.

Anyway, so I got home and showered, and we finished up all of our last minute food preparations, and then buffet time ensued. SIL and BIL brought over the yummiest spinach dip with bread, and delicious chicken wrapped in chili and brown sugar bacon. Mouth watering. Andrew and I provided tiny pizzas, veggies and dip, deviled eggs (of course), and a fruit salsa with homemade cinnamon chips. I love appetizer days! Who doesn't love a buffet from the comfort of your own home? We finished Conference and then moved on to continue watching Season One of Heros that we're slowly picking away at, episode by episode. At this point, I'm hooked and at the end of each episode, we're always craving more. We borrowed one DVD to catch up on last week because of course, SIL and BIL couldn't wait for us, so we had 5 or 6 to watch within that week. It took us all of Monday night to catch up! Andrew got home from work and we watched all the episodes until bed. So productive, I know, but so worth it!

This whole weekend was about family and food. What could be better?

Meals
1 English muffin pizza: 1 English muffin, 1 tbsp pizza sauce, 2 thin slices back bacon, 2 tsp pineapple, 2 tbsp mozza and cheddar cheese
3 bacon wrapped chicken pieces--bite size
3 deviled eggs
1/2 cup cucumber
2 tbsp sour cream dip
1/3 cup fruit salsa
1 flour tortilla with cinnamon sugar (cinnamon chips)
approx 3/4 cup ripped bread
1/3 cup spinach dip
5 all dressed chips
2 cups of water

2 chocolate chip cookies
2 cups of water

4 English muffin pizzas
2 all dressed chips
2 deviled eggs
3 chocolate chip cookies
4 cups of water

1 A&W cream soda

Exercise
45 minute TRX class

Notes:
-As much food as I had, it was a struggle not to eat twice that amount. I had my one plate, and didn't go back for more. It was so delicious, but after seeing how many dips, sugars, and fats were on the table, I felt kind of guilty that I had just done this amazing workout and now I was going to feed myself silly. I so wanted to eat 2 or 3 plates worth, but the one plate I had was so good and I ate it slowly enough that it did the job. My mouth is watering thinking about those bacon wrapped chicken bites. mmmmm

Day 110

We spent the better part of the day cleaning this messy house--what's been piling around the renovations. Andrew's been putting in our kitchen floor for awhile now, but it's finally done and it looks amazing! I'm very happy with the results! My poor husband was on his knees for 4 hours which resulted in a numb side of the leg, but to have it finally finished is a weight off both of our shoulders (and worth it a little bit?--I'll have to check with him on that one).

Andrew's parents were visiting SIL and BIL, actually more accurately they were probably just there to visit their grandchild :), so on their way back to their house they asked to stop in and visit with us. The games was on so we thought, perfect--BBQ and Andrew could watch the game with his dad, which he loves to do so much. The rib dinner was fantastic if I do say so myself. Earlier in the day in preparing the meals, Andrew and I made Nire's chocolate chip cookies together. That was fun because Andrew was the one who actually did all the mixing of ingredients and all I did was put them on the parchment paper and tossed them in the oven. It was so cute to see my hubby taking an interest and helping me out baking cookies! He totally touches my heart in the smallest little acts and he doesn't even know it. The night ended beautifully, and I couldn't believe my eyes as we all started cheering as our Flames won in the last minute after Khabibulin (the Oiler's goalie) handed it to us on a silver platter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us8XC-Nfm14 I feel sorry for the poor guy, but it sealed a victory for us and continued a great start for the season.

Oh and I have to say to Nire, Andrew and I agree that they are the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.

Meals
1 A&W cream soda

4 cups of water

7 honey garlic bonanza back ribs
1/2 cup mashed potatoes with 1 tbsp herb & spice cream cheese
1/2 cup corn
1/4 cup imitation crab cocktail
6 homemade chocolate chip cookies
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Yeah, with food today I kept planning on eating but then had to do this one thing first which translated into me not eating all day until all was done and we sat down to dinner. Ugh

Day 109

Another day of cleaning has started...
--------------------------------------

Posting late and can't remember this far back.

Day 108

I'm beginning to address my hoarding issues. I'm not as bad as the people on TV, but everything the interventionists talk about with the hoarders, I see in me. It's difficult to throw out anything that's been given to me, or that I've purchased for some future purpose. The two worst offenders are (one) the countless sentimental items that I've accumulated over the years given to me by important people in my life, and (two) "craft stuff."

Let me address the "craft stuff" first. You'll see on TV how these people have countless bags--unopened bags--of all this stuff that they've compulsively bought because perhaps they have a hobby and felt that they needed it, and it must be purchased because it was a good deal and on sale. I am notorious for going to, dare I speak the M word, Michael's, and walking up and down the scrapbooking isles (which after my cake decorating classes now recently include cake decorating isles) looking for sale items or something pretty that I will need later. I'll pack the cart-over dramatic-I'll load the cart with these items that I can't stand to be apart from because it excites me of all the creations I can make. Then I see that I'm potentially about to spend hundreds of dollars that we don't have, so I take an exaggerated amount of time deciding what stays and what can go and put away most of my cart ending up only having spent a hundred dollars, and I feel accomplished like not only do I have these amazing bargains, but I also had enough restraint to not spend as much as I wanted, and so it's some sort of reward that I get to buy these few items because it's better than not buying half the store. Luckily I've realized this tiny little flaw in myself and the occurrence of my shopping trips have expertly decreased to maybe once every two months versus once every two weeks. Even at the minimum I can say right now that it's not ever really in our budget, but once I'm there it becomes an exception to the rule because I'd never be able get that certain item at that fine price if I don't get it now. I could say with confidence that this is no longer a financial problem that I can't control, but the residual stuff that I've accumulated that's suffocating the space in my house, is a problem. There's nowhere for it to go! So it sits in bags, not being used, not fulfilling it's destiny.

The most asinine thing about this whole collecting of craft stuff is that I have not made one single scrapbook page for myself with any of my thousands of dollars of supplies. I have made countless birthday cards, not to brag but in my opinion--beautiful cards, but the purpose of this stuff was to consolidate all the pictures and scrapbookable items I have so I have a wonderful place for all my most precious memories, so they're not just strewn about haphazardly in another pile, sitting right next to the bag pile of craft stuff. This hurts me to the core that my memories could be depleting and I haven't saved them in time.

Going back to hanging on to those precious, sentimental items I've been given from important people in my life...Here the worst offenders are the countless pieces of jewellery, knick knacks, and gifts either my mother owned, or she gave to me. The very fact that she touched them makes me so attached to these pieces that I would be the worst person in the world to ever part with them or so I believe.

Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer at the age of 44. I was 10 or 11 at the time. She was my everything and she was dying. As I read books or watch movies depicting the last years and months of a cancer victim, I see how weak and how much pain that person goes through. My 10 or 11 year old heart didn't see her struggle and my adult brain cannot prove to myself that it did happen. But nursing school and common sense tells me that it did. I do remember her last week. How vividly do I remember the night she passed, my now 13 year old purposefully induced insomnia sitting up with her all night, colouring a colouring book she promised we'd colour together but never did. We did mom. I coloured for both of us. I was with you at breath 100, 99, 98, 97...

So throughout her struggle to live these last years, instead of doing things she'd never done, going on far away trips (she did make it to her favourite place, La Jolla, a couple of times) what she did was spent her time making lists and preparing these things on her lists, lists of things she needed to prepare for us, her 5 children, before she passed. My mother died when I was 13 years old, entering grade 8, and this is what she prepared for me:
The night of her passing I received a teddy bear with a picture of us and on the back it read something like 'you cannot see or hear me, but teddy and I can see and hear you so give teddy a hug when you're feeling blue and I'll be with you'.
She left a Christmas present for the first Christmas without her.
I received gifts from her on graduating Jr. High school, my 16th birthday, my 18th birthday, high school graduation, my wedding, and I have yet to open gifts for my first child. Each gift came with a card with something written and signed by her.
She spent all her time doing this for me, and my 4 other siblings. She was dying and all she could think about was us.

How do you throw away, just the very phrase "throw away," seems so demeaning--how do you throw away those gifts? How do you throw out all the little figurines she loved to buy me because at one point I was into monkeys and she had to buy me a set of monkeys for my night stand? How do I part with these memories? How do you throw out a broken and useless nativity scene that she bought and we used to put up every Christmas for as long as I remember? How do you fix your own life and get rid of the clutter while not dishonouring a dying woman's last days of picking those things out for you instead of caring for herself? She gave me a hope chest and it's overflowing with these things. These are things I will never wear, and never want to display, but they're things that when I take them out of the darkness, I get to remember how much my mother loved me. But there's so much.

There's so much because I can't decided what gets to stay and what gets to go when you add all the things to this that remind me of Dad. Now Dad was opposite and didn't give gifts very often (I'm talking one gift, maybe once a year) because he didn't believe in spending the money for all this stuff you don't absolutely need. How it worked between them is beyond me. So what I have collected from my dad is mostly paperwork with his name on it: old passports, receipts, poems and letters he wrote, membership cards and driver's licences, lists he made. Because I didn't know much about him, about what made him tick, I have all these things that I can pretend give me a clearer picture of who my dad was on the inside, aside from the abusive alcoholic I grew up with. I have boxes of this stuff.

Then there's little things that take up room because they're delicate. I have a dried lily my littlest brother gave to me on my high school graduation. That was very uncharacteristic of him and one of 3 gifts I have ever received from him. I have a dried rose that my second oldest brother gave me when I pretended I was pregnant in high school for attention and I told him and he was there to support me. I have a fabric bracelet that my oldest brother gave to me when he was on leave from the CCC, or the air force, or jail-I can't remember. 'But he gave it to me and I held onto it. I hold on to things that remind me of my life because it seems everyone in my life leaves.

So how do you part with this stuff? Do I part with this stuff? How do I decide what stays and what goes? This is why it takes me 4 hours to sort through one box, and then have a tickled bag of trash scraps at the end that could easily be mistaken for untouched.

The dilemma is that I want a simple life and I don't want any of this stuff that's creating clutter! I crave clean lines and lightly decorated shelves. I want space to breathe, to think, to move within my own, present, life. I want to feel like I have room to scrapbook instead of walking all over boxes. I want to have a memory, a nostalgic smile, but not every time I open a box forced to relive my life for the next 8 hours shuffling through everything.

I think I know I have to throw out some stuff. It's just deciding what stuff that gives me the anxiety, fear, and subsequent procrastination. sigh

Meals
6 buttermilk pancakes
3 tsp becel margarine
1/4 cup blueberry syrup
1 cup of milk

1 steak and cheddar Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 can of A&W cream soda
2 pieces cheese pizza stuffed crust Pizza Hut
2 pieces pep & mush thin crust
4 cups of water

1/4 piece frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I'm currently cleaning the house room by room in preparation to paint in order to sell our house. I'm also trying to finish up 2 correspondence courses. Here are my excuses for my bad microwaving/fast food diet and non-existent exercise for the last two days. It's just for a few days. I just need the house clean for entertaining over the weekend, then I'll push in some time for myself. I just literally do not have one more minute to fit anything else in. Is that a good excuse for treating my body like crap? No. I feel guilty about it, but I'm not prepared to do anything about it or else my stress with skyrocket. I have to pick my battles and right now, this is not one to dwell on and cry about. I don't have time today. I know that it's only for a few days. I know it's not forever. I know I'm not developing a "bad habit." But as I try to break one, sometimes less than desirable has to be the default.

Day 107

Nasty left over KFC sitting in my fridge, me eating it, and feeling disgusting for admitting it. This is where lazy is going to kill me. Do the work. Okay, well I need to fix why I'm so lazy. Being fat is so easy!

Meals
2 pieces KFC chicken (l/o)
1 cup mashed potatoes and gravy
1/2 cup corn
1 tbsp each macaroni salad, cole slaw, potato salad
2 cups of water

1 spinach, mushroom, and chicken Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup cottage cheese
2 slices watermelon
2 cups of water

12 inch turkey, ham, and bacon sub on honey oat bread
lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, red onion
1 line of light mayo
2 lines of southwest sauce
1 can of A&W cream soda
2 cups of water

1/4 frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
None

Day 106

I felt pretty badly about not going to exercise yesterday, but I was still and today am now in so much pain! I figured I've had my 48 hours of recovery time (I could have done only cardio yesterday anyway) and so I made it to the gym this afternoon despite my pain. I got on the treadmill first and I was getting loosened up and tried my jog again. I did manage to get through 35 minutes but I jogged this time with 4 minutes in between. My legs just felt like they were going to stop underneath me and the last thing I need is to slip up and injure another ankle. I tried pushing but just enough to be safe. Then after the first minute I got a horrible shin splint in my bad ankle leg. I could cry!

I've never had such success jogging like I did last week, and then my TRX workout has never been so intense to push me to so much pain. When I literally could not physically push myself harder than I wanted, I started feeling really badly for myself. I quickly thought that this is stupid to get down on myself for not being the best because doing something is so much better than doing nothing. I'm starting to get these ideas in my head that I want to keep pushing because it felt sooooo great to do so. The light bulb went off and told me that pushing myself out of my comfort zone feels good. It loses the boring feeling and I gain that awesome self mastery sense of strength and power. I would have NEVER thought I could like exercise. Yeah, sometimes I'm not too into it and it makes the time go by so slowly. 'But most of the time, it just feels so good.

My point is I'm super happy that I went today instead of flaking out, succumbing to the pain. Every little good thing I do for myself proves to me that it can be done and nothing bad happens. What was the big fear? Was I afraid of breathing? Afraid of the pain? Afraid that it would be too hard? Afraid that I'll fail and so it will feel pointless? It seems silly now, and so insignificant. I'm so much stronger than I ever knew. Now when I hear previously fat people say If I can do it, you can too, I realize that they're not extra special, or magical, have 17 more free hours a day than me, rich, or naturally athletic. They found that this is something you work at and find a solution to in any situation. Okay, so those people only have one thing on everyone else, and it's that they've listened to 'want' and figured out the definition to succeed: wanting it more than not wanting. I used to think that I wanted it more than everyone; that who dares to say that me, with all my problems, doesn't want it enough. Wanting it more than not is not wanting independently. The more in 'want' is a little tiny stow-away attached to it called 'action.' If you want something you have to act to get it. You can't want and receive without the work.

By wanting it more than not, I have to act--act without excuses, without limitations, without expectations. You have to realize that you may be fat forever and be okay with that. Be okay with yourself. Live in the moment. Accept who you are. Once you've learned to be okay with and start loving yourself, start taking care of yourself. Don't go in with the mindset that you're going to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain date. Once you've discovered that you're worth taking care of yourself and having a great life, you'll do things to improve yourself. You'll eventually drop all that weight by living your life instead of having it ruled by these expectations that never get met.

I love watching TV shows like The Biggest Loser. Sure they exercise 4-6-8 hours a day, but they're also working on their insides. Fix the problem within, you'll see the problem fixed on the outside. For me, it's low self esteem, anger, guilt. But it's through non-judgment of yourself and acceptance that life just opens up and you realize the work is not hard. Don't fear the work. You're worth it.

Meals
1 banana
1 bowl of rice crispies
1 cup of milk

3 cups of water

1 cup split pea soup
6 pretzel crackers
2 tbsp shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups of water

2 pieces original recipe KFC chicken without skin
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup corn
2 tbsp potato salad
2 tbsp macaroni salad
2 tbsp cole slaw
4 cups of water

1 cup homemade peanut butter frozen yogurt
1 banana
1 tbsp nutella
1/4 cup whipped cream
1 cherry
2 tbsp walnuts
2 cups of water

Exercise
35 minutes treadmill walk 4 minutes, jog 1 minute
1 hour upper and lower body machines and free weights, abs
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Although I went on a huge rant about all this 'just do it' wonderfulness, I was still in major pain. I got home from my workout and had a headache and my muscles were going to die. I took more pain meds, and convinced Andrew to buy us dinner so I didn't have to move. I craved chicken.

Day 105--Week 15

334.4 pounds; -2.2 pounds; -14.6 total pounds

Eat that, vacation! Jogging, TRX-ing, losing weight after only 3 days of exercise this week.

So far, on the right track...

Meals
1/2 cup dry Nature's Way breakfast medley (oats, seeds, etc.)
2 tsp brown sugar
1 cup skim milk
1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice with the pulp (2 oranges)

1 cheeseburger
small french fry
2 cups of water

3 white corn tortillas
1 1/2 pieces frozen fish
1/2 cup shredded cabbage
2 tbsp white sauce (with half mayo and half yogurt), spices, dill, cilantro
lime juice
1 cup tomato Spanish rice
3/4 cup black refried beans
2 cups of water

1 cup homemade peanut butter yogurt (plain yogurt, brown sugar, whipped cream, peanut butter)

2--1/3 cup ice cream scoops (one chocolate, one strawberry)

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I had to take the truck in this morning because it was making an awful sound. Turns out the power steering fluid was bone dry. So I just picked something up on the way home for lunch because it was getting late. I got a kid's meal and didn't even finish it. I started eating and got sick. McD's is so not yummy anymore. So then I made fish tacos for dinner and they were so delicious that they made up for my crappy lunch.
-The TRX kicked my butt and excuses or not, I almost could not move and so I did not exercise today. My muscles were in so much pain, I had to take a T3 to relax me when I got home. I've never felt that sore from a workout before. I felt like I had the worst flu AND a truck hit me. My legs were still jelly walking down the stairs!

Day 104

Well here's the deal with Sundays. In my church we're taught to keep the Sabbath holy by using this day for worship and rest, and pretty much that's it. We're counselled, not commanded, to not work or study, not watch TV or play sports, not go to parties or shop or spend money, etc. We're counselled to engage in wholesome activities that involve family time, reading the scriptures, writing letters to loved ones, etc. I believe in this council. I think it's good for the spirit.

'But I've had to break the Sabbath many times--my CPR course was only taught on a Sunday at one point, my study group could only meet on a Sunday sometimes, we were out of water or medicine and we needed water or medicine on a Sunday before because we've fallen very sick. Every time we travel on a Sunday, there's most definitely a stop at a gas station. Even with all of this, I try really hard to not do anything else that breaks the Sabbath further. But I also realize that life happens and the world doesn't revolve around my religious beliefs. So sometimes the Sabbath gets broken. I don't ever think it's for something not worth it though. If it's something to help you in your life (a bit of exercise), or required of you (the job of a nurse or a paramedic), I think there's room for exception because we're all trying to do good. Trying. I think what's most important is that Heavenly Father knows the intentions of your heart. He gives us the free agency to do as we think we should. I'm only saying this because I know I will be judged by some here on earth, but I'm okay with that. I know I'm trying my best and my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father is all that matters. That said...

My gym has this new class using TRX suspension training. http://www.fitnessanywhere.com/ The class is only being taught on Sundays and Wednesdays. This is a special class that costs $60 and it's only 4 weeks. Aly and I wanted to go together but she works all the Wednesdays. I made the decision in order to go with Aly to this class, take the Sundays with her, making myself miss church for the the next 4 weeks. I'm okay with my decision, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. It's 45 minutes away from my family in order to make me a better person, which will future enable me to take care of my family. I think that's worth it.

So this TRX system, you've got a vinyl cord hanging from the ceiling and you're using your own body weight as resistance. On top of that, you're doing every exercise as fast as you can, with cardio in between. It was a kick butt workout the entire 45 minutes! I LOVED it!! The cord is only 2 pounds, so there's like no equipment and you get a full body workout. It's amazing!

Thank goodness I went too. This morning Andrew and I made a little breakfast we trying while on vacation--banana and nutella pancakes with whipped cream--oh the calories, but oh the yum!

Meals
3 buttermilk pancakes
1/4 cup nutella
3 tsp becel margarine
1/2 banana
1 cup canned whipped cream
2 cups of water

chicken, potato, corn TV dinner
1/2 eclair (l/o)
2 cups of water

1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice (approx 2.5 oranges)

2 hamburger buns
2-3oz hamburger patties
approx 3 oz Monterrey jack cheese
2 tbsp BBQ sauce
2 tbsp ketchup
4 pickle slices
1 tomato
1 cup spinach
5 sour cream Pringles
4 cups of water

1 Oreo cookie ice cream sandwich

Exercise
45 minutes TRX

Notes:
-We had these pancakes in La Jolla. So decadent. So delicious. So affordable made at home.

Day 103

This morning we spent about an hour and a half picking out our lights for our new home. I was really stuck on what light to put out on the veranda, as that is the front of our house and everyone will see it when they come over. So I wanted something that was going to compliment our beautiful door but that wasn't too expensive because we only had a certain budget to work with. We decided on some more inexpensive but pretty lights that will match our garage lights, back deck lights, all around the house. Then we went to the show home to look at where are selections will go and honestly, we had to consciously LOOK at the light or else we would have missed it. My inner struggle picking the perfect light went out the window. It's just a light.

Being in the show home made me so excited as it always does. I always look around imagining our own things in the home and where they would go. Now that we've picked out most of what we have control over I'm imagining what our selections will look like--the appliances, the colours of the cabinets, hardwood, carpets, tiles, counters, fireplace, walls, windows, lights, even down to the door handles. We have a say in most everything in the house and at first it's overwhelming trying to make a decision on everything but the builders send us to their suppliers and we pick and choose what we want. At times it's painful because there are so many choices and we are not interior designers. We've relied a lot on our gut instincts and the suggestions by the designers who have been invaluable. I do always worry that we should have picked one thing over another and did we pick the right one, but once the change order is signed off, it's a fresh breath of air because we couldn't change it if we wanted to anymore. It's been really fun though picking everything and then we don't even have to do the work putting it in!

Our current home is a different story though. We've still got so much to do and the house should go on the market in the next 6 weeks or so. Stressful. We've still got so much to do--declutter, clean, put up baseboards, paint. I guess we're at the end of where we need to be but these last projects have hung over my head for 4 years now. It's scary feeling like it will never be done. 'And how dumb that we'll just get it done in time to NOT enjoy it. I guess the house we're moving in to will be payment enough. I can't wait!

Meals
3 slices Panago pizza (l/o all Hawaiian)
2 cups of water

3/4 smoked bratwurst from Edelweiss Market
3/4 large cabbage roll
approx 3/4 cup mushy potatoes
approx 3/4 cup red cabbage
3/4 can of Coke
1/2 chocolate, cherry, cream eclair

chicken, potato, corn TV dinner
4 cups of water

1 cup of strawberry swirl ice cream cup (approx 1/3 cup)
1 Oreo ice cream sandwich

Exercise
None

Notes:
-This was another huge day of not being at home that I didn't plan meals for and subsequently bad eating or eating out. Vacation got me out of the habit. Must get back into meal planning.

Day 102

Meals
3 buffalo chicken fajitas from Chili's (l/o)
2 cups of water

1/2 cup of skim cottage cheese
1 cup spinach salad
1 tomato
1 tbsp walnuts
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
1 can of tuna
1 banana
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

2 cups romaine lettuce
1/4 cup croutons
2 tbsp Caesar dressing
3 slices Panago pizza (2 Hawaiian, 1 BBQ chicken)
2 cups of water

1 cup Starbucks hot cocoa with whipped cream, homemade

Exercise
None

Notes:
-None

Day 101

It's overwhelming the amount of laundry you make while on vacation. Never ending work.

B seems to be recovered from his vacay--the first couple of days home you couldn't move him and when you did, he would fall asleep so fast you'd think he was just putting on a show. Nope, within minutes those little paddy paws would be twitching away, pulsing to his facial twitches, and his little whines and barks would prove to you he was chasing rabbits and not just psyching you out. Now when I look at him, he'll actually acknowledge my existence in the room and slowly raise his head to see if I was interesting enough before flopping that big slobbery pile of lips to the floor, starring at me through anticipatory eyes, glazed over by a bored facade. He's just one definition of unconditional love.

Tonight we're going to pick our interiors for our new house. How exciting is that?! What's not exciting is that we get to do this again, very soon, but only for our current home. Then we get to come home and prep all the walls and paint it ourselves. This is why we don't flip homes for a living. This is not the fun part. I love that we're moving into a new home that's never been touched so I can control the amount of nicks and marks in the walls and not have to fix someone else's. I love that it will only be my fault for how clean or dirty my new home gets. Every time I think we've fixed or cleaned something here, something else pops up that needs attention. Once again, never ending work. I'm just looking forward to the fun part right now, filing away the mess we're dealing with if only for a moment...ahhhh.

Meals
mac n cheese (l/o)
spinach salad (l/o)
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

3 buffalo chicken fajitas from Chili's
1/2 white chocolate molten lava cake
4 cups of water

Exercise
45 minutes upper body and lower body machines and weights
45 minutes treadmill: 3 minutes walking, 1 minute jogging, repeated for the duration

Notes:
-That's right...I've started jogging. I'm a 336 pound jogger. Eat it.
-It was a busy day and before I knew it I had to go out to an appointment so had to skip lunch. By dinner we were very hungry and didn't want to cook. This is why we go out so much and I'm sure it's why many people go out so much.

Day 100

Day 100 has arrived!!!

Instead of being able to celebrate an extreme milestone today, I'm celebrating a rebirth. Andrew and I just got back from a very fun and relaxing vacation which has left me invigorated and ready to take on the world. See, during vacations we end up having a long good sleep overnight every night, and wake up early-ish every morning to do all the fun stuff we want. Having practiced that for 2 weeks, I am almost in the habit of going to bed, and just waking up when I actually wake up in the morning instead of going back to sleep or taking my time being lazy. I have this renewed sense of longing for accomplishments and that sense is not masked by an overwhelming doom of perfectionism.

On vacay I was able to relax and take things as they came, preparing me for real life and giving myself the tools to adapt to change. I haven't lived like a creature of survival--if things aren't in my little categories and all ducks are lined in a row, I create this chaos all around me. The need to be organized was a label I branded myself with instead of using it as a tool to be more functional--something I have been trying to figure out. I think I may have a very novice insight into how this will all play out and how I can apply the new found ideas of relaxation translated into the business of real life. I need to be more laid back, go with the flow, accepting that I and every aspect of life is not perfect, and that is okay. I don't need to have every little thing in my life imprisoned by these unrealistic expectations; irrational deadlines. I have a deadline for losing weight, for baby making, for finishing school, for when which part of the house is going to be finished before another part can be started. All the deadlines make me crazy because I don't complete about 99% of them "on time" which kills me with more stress leading me to a miserable, guilty feeling of myself, making me unhappy, and leading me to not caring about my body, eating everything in sight (and subsequently skipping blog postings throwing away everything I've tried to build this thing on).

People have recently asked my why am I not posting every day anymore--am I giving up? Holy heck no! The few weeks before vacation I think I was feeling such a sense of doom that yes I could have given up. I would have rather given up than to pull myself along lying to everyone that my heart was in this while I was eating ice cream every day and not exercising because "I need time off." Are you kidding me? It's so easy to make excuses, fall into habits, justify your actions/believing your own lies. It's also easy to feel guilty and ashamed, and not want to to show everyone how down you are even though your actions are screaming them over your head anyway.

I was hesitant about taking our vacation because I needed to get school done by such and such date. Now that I've taken vacation there's no way I can finish in the time frame I had set up for myself. So I failed again, lengthening my end date from 5 years to 6 years now. This has been the biggest stressor in my life. I want to graduate before my veteran nurse grandmother dies. I want her to be proud of me and she tells me she is, but I feel like my degree will be proof. I don't feel like the last 4.5 years of school count until I get that degree. I feel like I disappoint her. She is, after all, 101 years old and I feel the pressure every day that I won't make it before she passes. She's the only one I still feel like I have to prove myself to. It kills me that I'm "unconventional" (better word for loser) in that I'm taking so long to complete my degree. My plan was to finish in 4 years and so because this plan has expired I feel like a loser. There are those expectations again. I haven't been able to tell myself to just enjoy my life. I can't take my career, money, or anything that I gain from those to the grave, so I need to be happy while I do this. This philosophy clashes with the philosophies of some people I truly admire and want to impress so it's hard to stand my ground and feel good about my decisions. But I own them, and am doing my best to feel good about them, and good about all the decisions in my whole life.

The only thing giving me hope is the support of my wonderful husband, along with the support of a few very close friends. I'm so grateful that they don't judge me, and if they do, that they support me anyway with open arms. I never have to be afraid with Andrew to tell him I've failed. He always lets me know it's not a failure, but a different way of doing it. There's no one correct way to live a life and I'm learning that.

Meals
Beef stroganoff (l/o)
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

2 mini pizza's
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water

1 1/2 cups whole wheat elbow macaroni (Hard Rock Cafe copycat recipe of Twisted Mac n Cheese)
1/4 cup mixed reduced fat cheeses (cheddar, Monterrey jack)
2 tbsp whole milk
2 tbsp 4 cheese Alfredo sauce
2 tbsp roasted red peppers
1 1/2 oz chicken thigh
3 croutons
1 tsp Parmesan cheese
1 cup torn raw spinach
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
2 tbsp raisins
1 tbsp walnut pieces
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I didn't schedule time to exercise and subsequently ran out of time. Ugh.

Day 99

Andrew's first day back at work, and I had an early appointment with an ENT. I've been having tinnitus (ringing in the ears) for quite some time now. My family doc sent me to the specialist to see if it was sinus related, related to my golf ball sized tonsils (normal size for me), or something else. I took a hearing test and passed with excellent hearing which baffles me. I suppose I used to have superhuman hearing and sight before because I experience a decrease in both, yet my tests always come out with excellent results. It's very frustrating to lose some of these senses yet told that I'm fine. At my recent eye exam I was told that my eyes have gotten worse from my "fuzzy 20/20" and I now have a "real" prescription for the glasses I wear while reading or driving at night. I'm not required to do this, but they help and I feel more confident when I do. Back to my hearing, I constantly have to look at people's mouths when they talk or I miss things. That's not excellent hearing to me, but I guess it is to them. Anyway, because they didn't find anything wrong, I'm being sent for an MRI to see if there's anything wrong with the little inner ear bones. I'm not looking forward to that. I'm claustrophobic so I have to go get a sedative to take with me as they don't provide them. I'll ask about my fear of flying then. Anyway, I'll have an appointment in 6 months so that's still a while yet.

Speaking of little inner ear bones, while on vacation Andrew and I went to Bodies...The Exhibition at the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas. http://www.luxor.com/attractions/attractions_bodies.aspx
The 3 inner ear bones were displayed and they were so tiny and cute! I'm just fascinated by anatomy and all else related (hence my nursing career kind of fits with that passion) and I loved it. I wish I had more time and my text books so I could actually remember what I was looking at. They had brief descriptions of what the specimens were and how they worked, but as much as I would see something and remember bits and pieces about it, there would be more that I would totally draw a blank on and couldn't describe it to myself, kicking myself in the brain the whole time. It was one of my favourite parts of our trip.

Anyway, I had a super productive day, refilled the fridge, made some phone calls, etc. I even made it to the gym...

Meals
2 croissants
2 eggs
2 pieces of cheese
1/2 cup orange juice

3 cups of water

1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cheese pizza minis
1/4 cup Mediterranean style yogurt
1 banana
2 cups of water

1 cup egg noodles (stroganoff)
3 oz lean ground beef
1/4 can reduced salt cream of mushroom
1/4 cup plain yogurt
3/4 cup wilted spinach
2 cups of water

Exercise
60 minutes treadmill intervals of walking, speed walking, and hill climbing
20 minutes upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I ate Burger King for breakfast because we didn't have anything to make food with, this is when I went to the grocery store after and picked up lots of good stuff.
-At the gym, I was speed walking and felt like I could run--so I did! I ended up jogging for a full minute, four times. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I haven't been a jogger in the past. It felt fantastic. I felt like I was totally pushing myself out of my comfort zone and felt that I actually had a real workout. There was a girl next to me jogging her entire workout--20 or 30 minutes I guess--and I felt funny to be the fat girl trying to jog, but at the same time I was the fat girl jogging while others were walking. It was a huge confidence boost. 'And now I know my ankle can finally handle it and I can do it. Yay me!

Day 98--Week 14

336.6 pounds; +5.6 pounds (in 20 days of vacation); -12.4 pounds total.

Our first day back consisted of many hours of cuddling B, and sleeping.

I wanted to come out even in my weight as we did go to the gym 3 times, but only 3 times (actually to Andrew's credit he went a total of 6 times). I really threw everything out the window since we didn't plan to make meals and ate out the entire time. But don't disregard my 3 workouts. That's never happened before on vacation where we actually planned to try to work out, plus all the days we did walking all day at amusement parks and swimming in the beach. It was one of the most active vacations we've had for sure. We just didn't do a fantastic job censoring what we ate. I'm still proud because it was all worth it and it wasn't a horrible gain (as I'm sure much of it is water retention from so much salt in restaurant food). We'll see in next week's weigh-in!

Day 81-Day 97 including Week 12 and Week 13

Road trip back home!

My goal is to not gain any weight and come out even by the time we return. Although that may be a pretty weak goal in some eyes, this is the first time I will attempt to not gain 10 pounds on vacay which makes it huge for me. Plus I want to enjoy what will hopefully be our last big vacation before children so not spending too much time in the kitchen while away is key. Measurements will recommence on Week 14 and restructuring from every four weeks to every calendar month will take place beginning in October.

This is my plan.

Wish me luck!

e

Day 80

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!We're leaving tomorrow and I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What that means for today, however, is a busy busy busy day today packing and cleaning.

Meals
1 bowl of Frosted Flakes (of course l/o's again from camping in the form of single serving boxes)
1/2 bowl of Corn Flakes
1 cup skim milk

1 tbsp peanut butter
1 slice whole grain toast
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 tomato
1 apple
2 cups of water

1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
2 cups of water

2 cheeseburgers
1/2 of a large fry
1/2 of a medium Coke
6.5 chicken nuggets

2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Nire told me NOT to go to Micky D's because I would feel fat and regret it. She said I'd start with the nuggets I wanted, and keep going from there. I didn't go for lunch like I told her I wouldn't, but I kept thinking about it, caved, and not only went for dinner, but fed it to the family as well. sigh---and there is the regretful "sigh" she predicted I'd post. How do you know me so well?! lol
-I barely have time to post this let alone exercise today. We're leaving on vacay and I'm the woman so guess who has all the preparatory work to accomplish in not ever enough time...

Day 79

Now I've got 2 days to hurry up and get ready before leaving for our road trip back home for an exaggerated two weeks. I'm counting the minutes I have left to get everything in order to quickly and easily cross the border, make sure we have our little conveniences (like an ice and bottled water packed cooler), and checking my maps, reservations emails, and immigration documents multiple times. I can't wait to see my old family (including family not related to me by blood), my home town, and go to the little places that hold old memories for me and recent memories for my new family. It's bittersweet really because the anticipation is so high getting excited for the journey and meeting with my family, but after a few days with them I get homesick for this beautiful country I call my new home and find myself looking forward to the return.

It's always a great deal of stress to cross the border, one Yankee and one Canuck trying to convince the immigration officers why one would want to permanently be with the other and to allow us to enter together. But we bring our papers and pray as we get there that the border crossing will be quick and painless. Once we're through, we say a little pray thanking Heavenly Father that he's allowed our family to remain together. Maybe for most people in our situation they have no problems crossing the border and don't know what our hesitation is. But this hesitation stems from the first time we every tried travelling together on our honeymoon when my name wasn't yet changed, and we didn't have the marriage licence yet. We were stuck for over an hour trying to convince the authorities that we not only belonged together but that we wanted to belong together. (They have this thing that they want proof of the relationship as neither country wants to break up families, but they don't look kindly on mail order brides either.) It was difficult trying to convince them after meeting Andrew online and dating in person only 6 months before marriage, not having the same last name at the time, and no paperwork. This is my reason for checking our documents now 10 times before we leave so there will be absolutely no problems to get us there and back.

So we will be gone until the end of September. No, I will not forget my progress to this date. The 18 pounds I've lost until now will be over 20 by the time I get back--that is my goal. We've already scouted out all the gym affiliates to Andrew's club and I will get a visitor's pass so we have a place to work out together. I can't promise I'm not going to indulge in my favourite restaurants only back home has to offer at least for the first couple of days to get it out of my system. But we're going to try to watch what we eat and make better choices. Exercising while on vacation is not new to us. We tried last year while on a week long vacation and made it one day to a YMCA. Granted, that's not a lot, but it was the only time we'd ever done something like that before and really made us feel empowered that we could do good things for our bodies even on vacation. There's the balance of not wanting to "waste" our time working out, but then again, not wanting to be lazy about our health just because we're in another place. We take our bodies everywhere we go so we shouldn't discriminate in how we treat them. They need to take us on vacation too, happy and full of energy. What a gift it is to ourselves to relax and have fun, while making it a point to feel good too.

I'm getting so excited! Time to go get everything ready!!!

Meals
1 cup saffron rice
1 cup chicken tikka masala
1 naan bread
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
1 cup strawberries
2 cups of water

3 taco shells
1-100 calorie Dairy Milk chocolate bar
3 cups of water

12 inch Quizno's turkey club with mozzarella cheese and light mayo
1 bowl of broccoli cheddar soup
approx 14 salt and vinegar chips
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
40 minutes interval hill treadmill
45 minute iron reps class

Notes:
-These last couple of days have been packed with business and in order to not overbuy food that's going to get thrown out while we're away, we've had to eat what's been at home or go out. For lunch unfortunately, we had left over taco shells and left over chocolate bars from camping so I put those together for a healthy snack (sense the sarcasm) before running off to the gym. I have no time management skills and should have prepared something before running out of time and rushing to the gym, forgetting that my tummy was empty and wouldn't do well at the gym on no fuel so grabbing the easiest, fastest thing I could see. Yuck.
-Thank goodness Aly got me to go workout. I even phoned her a half hour before our meeting time to ask how excited she was about the gym to see if I could weasel my way out of it. What the heck? I hate not going because now I'm out of the habit and it's so hard to get myself going again. But I went anyway because I didn't want to be "that" friend. I'm just lazy and over stressed with so many commitments, they gym was going to have to be last. Somehow it fit in and I'm getting things done. It's a miracle.