Day 106

I felt pretty badly about not going to exercise yesterday, but I was still and today am now in so much pain! I figured I've had my 48 hours of recovery time (I could have done only cardio yesterday anyway) and so I made it to the gym this afternoon despite my pain. I got on the treadmill first and I was getting loosened up and tried my jog again. I did manage to get through 35 minutes but I jogged this time with 4 minutes in between. My legs just felt like they were going to stop underneath me and the last thing I need is to slip up and injure another ankle. I tried pushing but just enough to be safe. Then after the first minute I got a horrible shin splint in my bad ankle leg. I could cry!

I've never had such success jogging like I did last week, and then my TRX workout has never been so intense to push me to so much pain. When I literally could not physically push myself harder than I wanted, I started feeling really badly for myself. I quickly thought that this is stupid to get down on myself for not being the best because doing something is so much better than doing nothing. I'm starting to get these ideas in my head that I want to keep pushing because it felt sooooo great to do so. The light bulb went off and told me that pushing myself out of my comfort zone feels good. It loses the boring feeling and I gain that awesome self mastery sense of strength and power. I would have NEVER thought I could like exercise. Yeah, sometimes I'm not too into it and it makes the time go by so slowly. 'But most of the time, it just feels so good.

My point is I'm super happy that I went today instead of flaking out, succumbing to the pain. Every little good thing I do for myself proves to me that it can be done and nothing bad happens. What was the big fear? Was I afraid of breathing? Afraid of the pain? Afraid that it would be too hard? Afraid that I'll fail and so it will feel pointless? It seems silly now, and so insignificant. I'm so much stronger than I ever knew. Now when I hear previously fat people say If I can do it, you can too, I realize that they're not extra special, or magical, have 17 more free hours a day than me, rich, or naturally athletic. They found that this is something you work at and find a solution to in any situation. Okay, so those people only have one thing on everyone else, and it's that they've listened to 'want' and figured out the definition to succeed: wanting it more than not wanting. I used to think that I wanted it more than everyone; that who dares to say that me, with all my problems, doesn't want it enough. Wanting it more than not is not wanting independently. The more in 'want' is a little tiny stow-away attached to it called 'action.' If you want something you have to act to get it. You can't want and receive without the work.

By wanting it more than not, I have to act--act without excuses, without limitations, without expectations. You have to realize that you may be fat forever and be okay with that. Be okay with yourself. Live in the moment. Accept who you are. Once you've learned to be okay with and start loving yourself, start taking care of yourself. Don't go in with the mindset that you're going to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain date. Once you've discovered that you're worth taking care of yourself and having a great life, you'll do things to improve yourself. You'll eventually drop all that weight by living your life instead of having it ruled by these expectations that never get met.

I love watching TV shows like The Biggest Loser. Sure they exercise 4-6-8 hours a day, but they're also working on their insides. Fix the problem within, you'll see the problem fixed on the outside. For me, it's low self esteem, anger, guilt. But it's through non-judgment of yourself and acceptance that life just opens up and you realize the work is not hard. Don't fear the work. You're worth it.

Meals
1 banana
1 bowl of rice crispies
1 cup of milk

3 cups of water

1 cup split pea soup
6 pretzel crackers
2 tbsp shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups of water

2 pieces original recipe KFC chicken without skin
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup corn
2 tbsp potato salad
2 tbsp macaroni salad
2 tbsp cole slaw
4 cups of water

1 cup homemade peanut butter frozen yogurt
1 banana
1 tbsp nutella
1/4 cup whipped cream
1 cherry
2 tbsp walnuts
2 cups of water

Exercise
35 minutes treadmill walk 4 minutes, jog 1 minute
1 hour upper and lower body machines and free weights, abs
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Although I went on a huge rant about all this 'just do it' wonderfulness, I was still in major pain. I got home from my workout and had a headache and my muscles were going to die. I took more pain meds, and convinced Andrew to buy us dinner so I didn't have to move. I craved chicken.