Monday, June 29, 2009

Day 14--Week 2

337.8 lbs...down 2.2 pounds for 6.4 total pounds lost.

Yay me!! Now the experts (current common knowledge) recommend a healthy weight loss of 1-2 pounds per week. All I'm doing is exercising and portion controlling my food. I don't think I could lose less than I am without putting in this effort. I am not taking any commercial weight loss products. The food that I'm eating is bought from a grocery store and I have not consulted with a nutritionist. The information I am using to guide my weight loss has been previously mentioned--going by the recommendations of the Canada Food Guide, as well as knowledge I previously gained through personal research as well as the formal education I've received while earning my Bachelor's degree in Nursing. I do not have a fitness instructor and the exercise I am doing is of my own regime, as well as loosely following a weight lifting program designed for a friend by her person trainer. This is to get me comfortable with lifting weights. I may decide in the future to consult with a personal trainer. When I reach a plateau, I will determine the changes necessary at that time. For now, this is working and I am ecstatic!

I'm very prideful about being able to do this on my own. I am so against gastric bypass surgery for myself as others have suggested I look in to. I see it as an easy way out, again for myself as I believe I have it in me to change without what I feel are extreme measures. I feel that I have the time, motivation, support, and whatever else to facilitate a way of healthy living at this time without extreme intervention. I support others who use whatever means necessary to facilitate their own healthy life. I applaud all who are willing to change. Whenever I see someone who has lost extreme amounts of weight by any means, I am inspired by their dedication. I feel a twinge of motivation from those that have done it the way I am doing, and therefore this is what pushes me most and how I believe I'll be most successful. This is a difficult battle; to change a lifestyle that you've had all your lifetime as I have, or even a short amount of time that's become familiar and comfortable. One day at a time. Change is possible.

Meals
1 bowl of Raisin and Spice oatmeal
1 cup of milk
4 apricots

5 cups of water

1 sub bun
2 oz black forest ham
2 tsp Dijon mustard
1 cup of spinach, tomato, pickles
10 All Dressed chips
2 cups of water

2 graham crackers
2 cups of water

1 taco (ground beef 2 oz, yogurt, lettuce, tomato)
1 hot dog
1 hot dog bun
1 piece of BBQ chicken 2 oz
1/2 cup potato salad
2 cups of water

2 graham crackers
1 square of Lindt 70% dark chocolate chili filled
1/2 cup of water

Exercise
60 minutes treadmill interval hill
40 minutes upper body free weights/abs
25 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm still trying to finish all our leftovers from this weekend.
-Exercise was awesome today except that I felt very tired during the whole thing. I believe it's from taking 3 days off that my body was so glad I was resting, it tried to forget what I've put it through the last 2 weeks. :) Hopefully I'll be able to work with energy tomorrow.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Day 13

I'm exhausted! We had such a big weekend with our friends. They have two children, a 3 year old and a 4.5 month old. We're not used to children so it was quite tiring with them bouncing around, playing and crying. Even with this though, we managed to get a girls outing, and the guys got a guys trip. Us ladies opted for the spa and got paraffin wax pedicures which I would suggest every women get at least one in her life--it was so soothing, and my ugly, cracked heels are so smooth! The guys went out to Transformers at IMAX and reported back that it was very good. I'll be happy seeing it on Blu-Ray--no big deal.
It has been a struggle trying to fit in exercise and eating healthily. Exercise has actually been non-existent. I went with thinking I would jump on over to the gym after church again, but was taken aback with the spirit and knew I should keep the commandment to keep the sabbath day holy. So I didn't go to the gym. We ended up having a refreshing nap and when I returned from my 7 o'clock meeting at church, a relaxing evening together. I have decided to work very hard during the week so that I plan to make every Sunday my day off. This just means I don't have much wiggle room in the way of skipping exercise for one day, whether intentionally or not. I shouldn't be too hard on myself--skipping a day because I have to is one thing, but I better make sure it's worth it.
Food was a struggle because how much I love the candies and treaty items, I love the BBQ. I could eat double portions easily. I did fairly well Friday and Saturday. Coming home from church today though, I was almost ravenous, even though I had a good breakfast. I indulged after church. To make up for it though, I didn't have any sweet refreshments at my meeting tonight, passing up on the 2 kinds of chocolate chip cookies, and yummy looking and smelling chocolate covered caramels. I came home and was sad about skipping them because my mouth wanted their deliciousness, but I talked it out with Andrew and he helped me feel better about it. I think I've done pretty well on my own keeping the sugar at bay, but sometimes I'm feeling like I want it. See I'm used to eating it nearly every single day--something fattening or sugar filled. So changing and going for days without is difficult, I have to admit. I am very prideful that I haven't been "deprived" but tonight I'll say that I felt a twinge of deprivation. I'm working on balance here, and I told myself that I had a root beer float last night and I can wait a few more days in between having treats. It was only because it was there that it tempted me, so it was only in my head that I wanted it. I would have been better had I not seen the treats. It was funny because when the relief society president announced there would be refreshments afterward, I cringed. 'And minutes before refreshments when I knew it was getting close, I was dreading going back into that room to socialize, because those treats would be calling to me. I had a small plate of fruit to try to tide me over, but I had to leave because I wasn't really talking to anyone anymore and all I could do was smell the chocolate. I'm glad I made a better choice, but I'm also not as pumped about it because I'm really struggling with this temptation. Thank goodness I'm at home and I'm safe where there are no bad things to further tempt the inner fat chick.
So here's been kind of an anti-climatic ending coming up to two weeks, and I hopped on the scale for a peak before tomorrow morning and it's not good at all. I hope it's just the food and water from today, but we'll see the real results in the morning. I feel like I've been doing so well and all it took was a day of eating a few hundred more calories and no exercise for 3 days straight. Ugh. I feel badly about that.

Meals
1 bowl of Raisin and Spice Oatmeal
1 cup of milk
1 banana

1 BBQ chicken thigh, no skin
1 hot dog with ketchup, mustard, 2 tsp relish
1 hot dog bun
1 hamburger patty with ketchup
1 cup lettuce, pickles, and tomato
1 deviled egg
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 sub bun
2 tsp Dijon mustard
3 oz black forest ham
1 cup lettuce, pickles, tomato
1 slice Swiss cheese
8 All Dressed chips
1 cup of mixed cassava and honey dew melon pieces
2 cups of water

1/2 cup kiwi, strawberries, and orange slice
1/2 cup of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I overdid lunch. I felt like I was starving after church. I'll have to make sure to plan to bring a small snack the next time I go to eat between meetings. I didn't drink enough water either and I'm not going to go force it all down now and keep myself up in the bathroom all night.
-I'm going to the gym at 9am tomorrow. Since I have no other obligatory plans, I hope to do a full 2 hour workout.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Day 12

Another long day, very tired, and an early morning tomorrow...

Meals
1 bowl of Raisin and Spice instant oatmeal
1 cup of milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

1 sub bun
2-3 oz black forest ham
2 tsp Dijon mustard
1 slice Swiss cheese
1 cup lettuce, tomato, pickles
2 cups of water

2 pieces of BBQ chicken approx 4 total oz
1.5 cup spinach salad (l/o)
1/4 cup potato salad
1 deviled egg
3 All Dressed chips
2 cups of water

1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
1/2 cup of root beer
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-THIS is the way to eat food when you're having a party. Normally I could have polished off half to a whole bag of chips. Also, I would have filled my glass completely with ice cream, then poured root beer around it. Tonight I measured a serving size, and had only that. I had enough, it was yummy and it was not making me feel deprived at all. I had three chips--I didn't have to have them, but I wanted the taste. At my third chip I realized I was having more than just a taste, so I checked to see if I got my taste and if I was hungry, and I didn't have any more. Wow, with all the candy and ice cream and other treat we could have had, I think this was plenty and it felt like what normal people would eat. I have this feeling of wanting all this food this weekend-wanting to stuff myself silly because 'we never get to hang out' but I didn't. Our guests didn't seem to mind what we had so I'm satisfied both ways. :)
-Okay, so even though my food was good, I must say I should have exercised today. Our plans would have allowed for it, but it would have been rushed. I think with this whole healthy lifestyle/balance thing, I at least held up a good portion of control with my meals, and because 'we never get to hang out' I decided it was okay to pass for this. I'd rather be at ease and enjoy my time with our friends instead of rushing to fit everything in because it is the exception. I don't mind if I don't lose another 4 pounds this week because that is not my ultimate goal. I gave myself much more freedom today than I have the last 11 days, but I think once in 11 days is a step up from everyday. 'And I'm going to bed after a wonderful visit, and a pedicure, so I can't complain! It's been a good couple of days.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Day 11

Our friends are here (!) so this must be quick...

Meals
1 banana
3 cups of water

1 soft taco (l/o) with lettuce, tomato, ground beef, yogurt
1 hard taco (l/o)
2 cups of water

1 hamburger patty---that's a hamburger as opposed to a cheeseburger
1 bun
ketchup
pickles
lettuce
tomato
1/4 cup potato salad
1.5 cups spinach salad with strawberries, Valdosta pecans, Red Raspberry with Dijon dressing, and avocado
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
Worked my butt off cleaning the house running up and down the stairs all day. NO intentional exercise, however...I literally had NO time. By this evening, I was red in the face and sweaty, but that doesn't really count.

Notes:
-Food was pretty good. Need more veggies!!!!!!!!
-Disappointed that I didn't do any real exercise. My excuse is valid, but it's still an excuse. I know I'm being hard on myself but if I feel like it's okay then I'll keep telling myself it's okay forever, and these habits will never break. (So all or nothing thought process there.) I'm trying balance. I'm trying to think balanced thoughts. I feel badly for already missing a day this week. I don't want this to be the rule and exercise be the exception.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Day 10

Tomorrow we're having friends over from out of town. I'm going to do my best to stick to whatever this is so that I don't become overwhelmed by any sort of temptations, and that I get some exercise in as well. A typical weekend with friends would consist of mostly sedentary events such as watching movies, playing board games--basically sitting around the living room enjoying each other's company. There would be food--oh the food! Chips & dips, cookies, cakes, candies, ice cream, pop, you name it--if it's going to eventually give you anything from cavities to a heart attack, it's my main focus as far as sustenance goes.
I want to be the perfect hostess. I LOVE entertaining. I want my guests to feel like they don't have a worry in the world when they're blessing my home with their friendship. I want every dog hair mopped up, every corner to be dusted, every room to sparkle. I love to make people feel welcome. I think I don't always do that though. I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have, I love dearly. I try to nurture our relationships by serving my friends in this way. The family I grew up with is far away, and so my friends (and wonderful in-laws) make up my family when I am not "back home." I love the life that I live and the beautiful hearts I am surrounded with.
So I went shopping for groceries to prepare for the meals we're going to have. On the list were chips and ice cream sandwiches, among other ingredients for preparations of the BBQ-ing variety. I bought the chips for the guys primarily. I know they can eat them in moderation, or indulge, and be able to work it off without blinking. I don't plan to partake in those goodies. I got to the ice cream as I was shopping. I saved it as the last item so that it wouldn't melt while I shopped for everything else. I was in the store over 45 minutes mind you! When I was writing the list, it was kind of a last minute, "Andrew, should I get ice cream?" We decided, meh, or yeah, or something similar; so sure, I'll get ice cream.
Why the heck did I even ask? I'm pretty sure it's because I would expect that something like that would be available should my guests suddenly have a craving for an ice creamy treat. What I'm only thinking about now is I bought a variety of colourful and succulent dripping fruits in which we can indulge in. If the ice cream isn't available, nobody will really care. It's me and my want to cover all bases. I want to see the devil behind their eyes when they light up, "Ice cream, you have???!" Maybe I'M the devil peering into innocent little reflective surfaces that I'm trying to tarnish by my need to satisfy every temptation. Wow. What a friend! haha
I'm glad I didn't get the ice cream sandwiches. It's another one of those things--so little and seemingly harmless, but it's things like this that have helped me gain this sense of healthy self.
Every little bit counts.
Just as an aside, I wanted to thank everyone for their very positive feedback I'm receiving. Like I've said before, this started out as a selfish purpose. What has happened, is I read about how these little things I'm doing help to inspire, and your stories inspire me so much! It's like the snowball effect: the more awesome I see everyone else being, the more it motivates me to try that much harder. So thank you for your comments, and we'll all keep up the excellent work!

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of milk
2 apricots
2 cups of water

2 cups of homemade split pea soup with ham chunks
2 cups of water

2 slices of left over pizza (that darn pizza is starting to haunt me--maybe it'll be around long enough that I must throw it out without the guilt)

3 cups of water

1 soft taco (filled with ground beef, lettuce, tomato, plain yogurt [thanks Becky!] and NOT SOUR CREAM--I could die, and NO CHEESE--again with they dying)
1 hard taco (same as above)
1/2 cup apple juice

1/2 cup orange juice
1/2 cup water

Exercise
43 minutes uphill treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-You should have seen Andrew's eyes when I pointed out that I didn't have cheese. It was awesome! I snuck in 1/2 cups of apple juice and orange juice--I try to stay away from juices because of the sugar content, but we were out of water and I can't stand tap water. Not only does the tap water taste bad, but I have kidney stones and the mineral content is not good for people with kidney stones. I was advised not to drink tap water, and because I haven't for over 8 years almost (unless that was the only option) maybe I've become a princess about letting tap water touch my mouth. Whatever the case, I needed liquids and so I drank the juice. I try to only have 1/2 cup of juice a day if I have juice.
-My workout---pretty good. Again, I wanted the over 50 minute mark but my friend showed up and I had to leave at a scheduled time again today and so I couldn't squeeze it in. I have to give credit to her. She got my lazy sprained ankle back to the gym. I was so scared but after that first day, I thought I should have been doing this for weeks! All is well. :)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Day 9

I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday was just sore and tired, and I think I had some bad meat...sigh. Anyway, I was up and being productive today which made me very happy to not feel like a loser. :)

Okay so on June 14th we planted our first garden. It was surprisingly extremely easy, I'm guessing because we have no idea what we're doing. We have a little 10x10 patch in the corner of our yard that was part of a gravel driveway of sorts put in by the previous owners. We had the area fenced in to increase our backyard's size since we're on a corner lot and we have limitless parking; we didn't need the space. I have no idea how many tons of gravel went there, but Andrew tilled, then we raked, then tilled, then raked, over and over maybe 4 or 5 times. Each time we thought it would be sufficient, more rocks showed their little round faces. We decided enough was enough, and though this will have to do. We spread 3 premixed bags of bone meal, peat moss, manure, and something else over this bumpy top soil which was actually just rocks in dirt to me. Andrew tilled it again back and forth to mix it. I planted a 3 foot row of radishes, 3 feet of beets, 6 feet of cucumbers, and a hill 3 feet of watermelon and 3 feet of pumpkin. We fully expected it to be a bust this year, but what do you know? We have little radish greens sprouting up in their little twisty row, little tiny green hairs where I thought I planted beets, and a few baby green sprigs where the cucumbers were sown!!!! I'm so excited. Even if it doesn't come to full fruition (which I still highly doubt will happen) I'm tickled green!! Yay us and our green thumb nails (because the whole thumb would be asking too much)!

We we went out to dinner tonight to Boston Pizza. It was sooooo yummy. Here's what I would have had on a normal night:
-Start with french onion soup (delish and I'll probably have it next time we go)
-Also start with a starter--tonight was potato skins, 8 pieces, and I would have had 4 shared equally between Andrew and me
-Water with lemon or a Coke no refill if I was feeling in the mood
-Dinner would be a beef dip au jus
-Either fries or a house salad with all the blue cheese in my little cup
-Probably at this point having eaten everything there would be a "full, but I have room" request for dessert. Chocolate lava cake with the scoop of ice cream. I would only eat half because I'd be so stuffed, or I'd finish it off and regret it, waddling all the way to the car and wanting to unbutton my jeans

Holy saturated fat and calories, Batman!

Tonight I had to ask Andrew, "Do I want the french onion soup or just share an appetizer with you?" I really wanted the french onion soup. I remembered how much cheese and salt it has in it and then I saw how my belly nearly reaches the table sitting as far back as possible in the booth, and I decided against it. I thought next time, I'll have it if I want it then. As I'm writing this, I only miss not having it slightly. It would have been good for my tongue, but then I would have spent over $5 for a bite or two and it's hard to justify that, knowing that I wanted to get a main meal full of vegetables as well to try to meet my quota for the day.

Anyway, we did order the potato skins. Out of 8, how many did I eat? ONE! One stinkin' potato skin. It was set in front of us and my hand didn't knock over my glass rushing to fill my gullet as fast as possible. I waited a few minutes looking at it, making sure I wanted one, not just because it was there or it looked so good. I wanted the taste, I had one, I wanted my 3 more, I didn't eat them. I was okay. :)
I ended up ordering the:
Chipotle Chicken and Bacon
BP Favourite
Fresh garden greens, diced tomato, green onion, olives and a blend of pizza mozzarella and cheddar tossed in Santa Fe ranch dressing. Finished with tender pieces of chipotle seasoned chicken breast, smoky bacon and shredded tortilla chips.

I got it without cheese, and let me tell you I almost died hearing that come out of my mouth, and dressing on the side. I did the dip your fork trick in the dressing and used less than half of what I would have used, had I dumped the container on my salad. It came with a yummy smelling piece of perfectly toasted garlic bread that I passed on. I could have devoured it in 2 seconds!

It took my time eating my salad thinking, this is great. If felt good to put better food in my body than what I was used to. This change has given me a sense of empowerment; choosing better for myself making me feel amazing because I'm actively doing something that's going to make me better. Sorry for gushing. I'm just very proud of myself. :) If you haven't tried to lose weight, I don't think you know how hard it is for a foodie and a fatty to say no. It's breaking an addiction almost. It's being very self aware, very reflective. It's something I think that you have to find inside and I really couldn't do it justice to try to explain with words how I'm feeling, and how what I'm learning is impacting my views on just about everything.

It's gradual. It's situation by situation. It's day by day.

Meals
2 slices of left over pizza
1 cup of Coke

2 slices of left over pizza
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

approx 4 cups of salad (Chipotle Chicken and Bacon salad)
1.5 tbsp Santa Fe (creamy, probably mayo based) dressing
1.5 cups of water

2 cups of water


3 Blueberry and Brown sugar with Flax cookies (Peak Freans)
2 cups of water

Exercise
30 minutes on #15 incline treadmill; 2.5 mph (basically walking uphill the whole way)
30 minutes upper body free weights
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Okay the pizza was probably not smart. I think we should only order one pizza from now on or else this pizza is going to go to waste. On one hand, it's expensive so we shouldn't waste our food by throwing out what we don't eat. On the other hand, my body is not a garbage can. It's a fine line, and it's future choices on what to order next time in order not to be in this position.
-Exercise was alright. It was good enough, but I started the dishwasher late and had to wait for it (it's a portable so I didn't want the water if I left in case it broke free from the spout and made my kitchen a swimming pool) to finish. So I left late and had to leave by a certain time so only got 30 minutes of cardio. I wanted at least 50 minutes on a good day, but 30 minutes is better than none so I'm okay with that. The shortened amount of time lead me to walking uphill the whole time which was so much easier to do today than just 9 days ago. I was still dripping sweat, but it didn't hurt my back, legs, and feet.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Day 8

I'm not feeling well today. I missed the gym and I missed a Relief Society enrichment night. I pretty much slept all day. Maybe I'm trying to do too much, too fast.

Meals
2 eggs
2 tbsp mayo
2 tsp mustard
2 pieces whole grain bread
2 cups of water

2 hamburger buns
2 3 oz hamburger patties (nothing added)
2 slices of cheese
2 tbsp BBQ sauce
2 cups of lettuce
1 whole tomato
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

2 slices of Pizza 73 pizza (Hawaiian and American Pie; one of each)
1/4 cup of Coke

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Although it didn't feel like a lot of bad food while I was eating it, it probably wasn't the healthiest choice overall. What was healthy was not having even more mayo for lunch on my hamburger, and not having 3 or 4 MORE slices of pizza and 2 cups of Coke which is my norm. I ate very slowly and I didn't feel deprived. I wanted more for the taste, but I checked myself and wasn't hungry. So I guess there were some positives.
-Ugh. I was supposed to meet my friend at the gym. I feel badly for cancelling and I feel badly for not doing anything. I hope I'll feel up to it tomorrow and not use feeling unwell as an excuse. I could have gone for a casual walk or something but I didn't. I feel awful for not having done anything today. :(

Monday, June 22, 2009

Day 7--1 week

340.0 lbs...down 4.2 pounds for 4.2 total pounds lost.
I'll complete the other measurements monthly.

I have to say that is very decent for my first week. You'll notice that one week would actually be posted on Day 8, but because I started this from the day I took my measurements, it has technically been a week. I think it will be easier to keep track of this way anyway--Monday weigh ins, and weeks on the days as multiples of 7 (7 days in a week, that kind of thing). Anyway, congratulations me!!! I'm well on my weigh...sorry, I couldn't resist.

So about that website I was talking about on Day 5. It came from today's dietitian: http://todaysdietitian.com/newarchives/040609p28.shtml
The article talks about hunger and appetite control during weight loss. This key statement, "Hunger is defined as a strong desire or need for food, while satiety is the condition of being full or gratified" is what I'm trying to manage at this point. I always feel hungry which prompted me to look into it a little bit. It's interesting that the author defined hunger as a strong desire or need for food. This past week I've tried controlling my portion sizes and have found that I thought I was hungry. Maybe because of my increased energy expenditures, or maybe because I've tried to limit my portions to what I believe are "normal" portions and appropriate servings sizes, using Canada's Food Guide (http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/index-eng.php) as my reference. Doing these things have left me feeling hungry, or so I think. I remember something about either Biggest Loser or Dr. Phil talking about emotional eating. (I'm sure I'm not the only fat person in the world who obsesses about weight loss and watches these shows, reads books, looks for sources online, orders infomercial DVD's, ANYTHING to help them lose weight).
Anyway, this article, along with the wisdom of my wonderful husband made something click in my head. My husband's tool was to think of something you absolutely hate, and ask yourself if you would eat it. When he asked me this I said liver and onions with Brussels sprouts on the side--oh at the time I could murder 2 plates full. So I think that was me being hungry. Yesterday night after dinner I wanted ice cream. I asked myself if I was hungry, and this time I was NOT! I ended up having it anyway because I wanted it.
So why did I want it? I was craving it. Was it the sugar? What it an emotional need to fill some void? I don't know. What I do know is I didn't get this fat from just eating too much because I was that hungry. Like the article says, our brains help us know when we need to eat, and when we don't, and that there are so many complex issues surrounding food that no wonder it is difficult to figure out why I wanted it so badly. It was Father's Day and I felt I deserved a treat.
Where did this entitlement come from? Why an edible treat? Why not a nice walk on a warm evening? Food was serving an emotional purpose.
I'm not saying that for the rest of my life I'm not going to indulge in birthday cake on my birthday or a nice dinner out with dessert on my anniversary. I believe food should be enjoyed. I also believe food should be used primarily for fuel.
At church yesterday we had a good Sunday school lesson on the Word of Wisdom. If people these days would life by the Word of Wisdom, how many diet related diseases would we have? Having things in moderation was one of the keys for health that was discussed. So I can incorporate a spiritual component to my healthy lifestyle and use food in moderation. Food is enjoyable as it is social. We just have to be careful and use it wisely.
So going back to my hunger, I think that it's a combination of things. First off, if you've looked at my meals, I don't believe any of them to be too restrictive, or even restrictive at all. What I've done is not paid much attention to calories, but serving sizes. By cutting down the serving sizes to my appropriate daily needs, I'm eating much less. I've somehow through the years learned how to eat more and more and my body, physiologically, has needed it to maintain this weight. When I find myself hungry, I try to check myself and really make sure if I'm truly hungry or just wanting something more for another reason. I'm trying to eat often, 4 or 5 meals a day so that I'm not going too many hours for my blood sugar to drop too much and send me on a spike and drop ride. I think I just have to give my body time to adjust to the smaller portions as I believe my big body is rebelling, wanting all of it to be fed but I just want to feed my smaller, healthier body. I'm able to do my workouts and I'm not falling asleep at the wheel, and I'm sleeping beautifully! (Many undisturbed by snoring nights.) I'm waking up feeling good and rested. I'm not sleeping too much or too little (7-9 hours). Other than overall tiredness, likely from this sudden change, I'm actually feeling great--even have a better mood. It makes me wonder what took me so long. You make small changes like I am doing and eventually it will become habit and lifestyle and before you know it, I'll be posting my after photo (I still have yet to decide what before photo I'll post and how much of my face I'm going to blur out). I'll post my before photo soon. I should do it before I lose anymore, not that 4.2 pounds is all that noticeable, but hopefully I'll wake up one Monday and it will be 104.2 pounds. It seems so far off in the distant future that's it's not even attainable, but I just have to have faith that I'm getting my life back and I'm going to be healthy, and soon enough the numbers with coincide with that idea.

Meals
2 flour tortillas
2 eggs
1/3 cup shredded cheddar & mozzarella cheese
1/4 cup salsa
1 apple
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

1/2 cup mashed potatoes with skin
1 tbsp herb & garlic light cream cheese
1 tsp Becel margarine
2 mini pizzas (Pillsbury: one cheese, one deluxe)
3 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
54 minutes interval training treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
10 minutes stretching
35 minutes light walk around the neighborhood

Notes:
-Before you criticize me about my food today, I KNOW! I should have eaten lunch for another meal at the very least, where the heck are my fruits and vegetables (I'm beginning to see a pattern here), and with all this exercise I need more protein to support my muscles. Excellent water intake.
-Excellent workout. I'm very pleased with my efforts and the numbers don't lie! I must be doing something right.

Day 6

A little late posting yesterday's events...

Happy Father's Day!
This day always gets to me, along with Mother's Day, and all the other birth and death anniversaries I remember every year about people most significant to me. Dad and I had an awkward relationship. It was pretty much hell growing up. I didn't really know him while mom was alive; he went to work, came home and ate dinner, then us younger kids would be in bed before any kind of bonding or relationship activities would take place that I can remember, aside from TV or reading to him at the table. On the weekends we would have to go to our Grandparents' house to work in the yard pruning orange and fig trees, picking grapes from the vine, mowing the yard, or picking up walnuts that had fallen from the overgrown tree. I don't have very many good memories of those times, as dad was the authoritarian figure and most of my time was spent crying from the pressure to be perfect and him yelling to enforce the same.
After mom died, Dad really didn't have a clue on how to raise functional children. Our dysfunction stems from the inability to appropriately communicate and dysfunctional coping mechanisms like anger quickly leading to yelling, name calling, and put downs. From the age of 13 I had this man as my father, but I was the mother--cook, clean, laundry, phone calls, mailing bills, etc. I rebelled soon after and what time I did spend at home was tarnished with the same dysfunction as in earlier years, only magnified because I had learned these coping mechanisms and used them myself. I tried staying away from home as much as I could. By the time I was 18, I started going to college and home was a place with my clothes, a bed, food; so I managed to deal with it. The yelling toned down a bit; maybe the old man (a term of endearment in the better times) was getting older, or maybe I was growing out of my teenage angst. So fights were more infrequent, but I saw my younger brother go through similar hardships with communication and being quick to anger.
By the time I met Andrew and moved out of my father's house, we were amicable at best times, yet I was quick to criticise Dad and still had a very generally unwell feeling about being around him for too long. A year or so and a visit or two passed and something changed. I started calling Dad to see how he was, after all, he and my younger brother were the only two left at the house. He would tell me about dates he'd go on, and women who broke up with him, how I was doing in school, when we'd come visit again. This went on for another year, then the calls became more frequent. One night he called and asked for health advise. He had gone to the doctor because he thought he had a heart attack. The doctor was unable to conclusively say yes or no, as he had waited days before going and some of the more definite markers were unable to be traced by then. He was given pills upon pills to manage all the risk factors he did have like type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, obesity, alcoholism, depression. He believed in holistic medicine because he witnessed my mom go through a painful battle with colorectal cancer which spread quickly to her liver that (inevitably) ended up taking her life. He believed that it was better to take supplements to improve his health rather than to take many of his prescribed pills because of the awful side effects he had. When he asked, my advise was to listen to your doctor and to live as if you had a heart attack; take care of your body. Our phones calls got more frequent until they became weekly events that I eventually looked forward to making and receiving. We had a plan that one week he'd call, and then next week I'd call. If I ever missed a week, he was quick to make sure to call to make sure I was okay. My missing calls wasn't often and more related to lack of time and stress from going to university. I'd call him the same for his missed calls. I remember one conversation so vividly because he called me "sweetie" and told me he always felt better after talking to me. He was not one to say I love you, I've heard him tell me that less times than I can count on one hand. I never believed he did either until our phone calls started. I learned that he was doing the best he could, this was just him; and I started to love the person that he was for who he was, and tried to bite my tongue if I could when I disagreed with him. That was still a bit difficult.
Then one night, the 29th of December, he called to make sure I was okay. It was a little out of the blue because I had just talked with him on Christmas. He said he wasn't feeling well, but again, just talking was doing him good. He asked if I needed money for school because he had been paying my tuition. I told him not this time; this time we'll pay for it. I lied; Andrew and I couldn't really afford it, we had to use a credit card, but I wanted him to be proud of me that we were making it and that I was growing up and could be independent. The call was short.
I started up a fresh new semester of school. I was hitting the books hard, working in the school library, and trying to make A's. Life was suddenly very busy. After my first few days of school, I was so in love with my education--the prospect of becoming a registered nurse--and so in love with studying and what I was doing that time came away from me. It was January 9th and I was going to call Dad to tell him about my excitement as I had not called this week yet and it was time for a call anyway, but I had to have my first assignment in so I decided to study and call him the next day. That evening my younger brother called to tell me Dad had passed suddenly of an unexpected heart attack.
The majority of my life up until then had be spent hating this man up until about 3 years before his passing. Sometimes I wanted him to die. I wanted the hell that I was living to be over with. But then as it happened all too swiftly, I loved my Daddy and I was so proud of the accomplishment we made to have a civil and loving relationship--so quickly that was ripped away from me. I thought it's not fair. Earlier in years past, I thought he was going to be the angry alcoholic until 99 and my whole life would be overcast with this gloom forever. Right before his passing it was-- well not anymore, I have the version of this Dad that I always wanted and more. I thank God for the blessing that we were able to restore our relationship to a pure version, one I think that we both wanted but never knew how to get. I sometimes feel guilty for being the reason why we failed at love for so many years. But the last years were so magnificent in comparison that I ache for the relationship we had. So when I think of Father's Day, or his birthday, or his death anniversary, or my parent's wedding anniversary, I have a bittersweet nostalgia bathe my soul. I have my own kind of heart attack, Daddy. I miss you.

As for my loving husband: He's not a daddy to a living child yet, but we call each other mommy and daddy in reference to our 90 lb labcat (lab/catahoula cross) B. We don't celebrate exactly, but we give each other allowance for a pretty fantastic day. He's brought me flowers on Mother's day; I've written him a card from B that I just found out he still has. :) So we relaxed yesterday. There was lots of fun had after church playing the Sims 3, listening to him play guitar, and watching one of "his" movies. During sacrament I thought it was more important to obey the sabbath and stay home instead of working out. The blessing of obeying that was having a wonderful day with my husband. My body needs rest anyway, and that feels like a justification for not working out because in my mind I still feel like I need to go all out 2 hours, every day of the week. I'm still learning to balance.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of milk

1 60% whole wheat hamburger bun
1/4 cup whole wheat spaghetti (l/o)
1/8 jar Ragu
2 oz meatballs
1 cup lettuce/tomato
1/2 cup potato salad (l/o)
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 cup mashed potatoes with skin
2 tbsp herb and garlic light cream cheese
2 tsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

1 1/2 cups of cookie dough ice cream!
1 cup of water

Exercise
Rest

Notes:
-I caved in with the ice cream. Here's my mantra the entire time I was contemplating eating it: "I am health. I need balance." The rest of the day was alright. I'm finding that I'm still lacking the fibrous fruits and vegetables that I need and I've been eating a LOT of potatoes recently. That's what happens when you have left overs.
-My body needs rest. I'll be okay resting today as long as I work out tomorrow.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Day 5

Just finished up playing Sims3 with the hubby. Good times. :) I can't believe I'm still awake. I came in to the office to see something, and we ended up playing around for a couple of hours! I already don't have any energy, and now I'm just so fatigued.

I read an article on a website talking about fatigue, energy, macronutrients, fuel, etc. I'll expand on that tomorrow when I'm not crying for sleep.

Meals
1 flour tortilla
3 oz shredded cheddar & mozzarella cheese
1 apple
3 cups of water

2 slices watermelon
3 cups of water

3/4 cup brown rice
3-4 oz honey mustard chicken (yuuuuum)
1 cup asparagus & zucchini
1 cup of water

1 60% whole wheat bun
3 oz ground beef
1/4 can Manwich sauce
1 cup potato salad (l/o from Day 4)
3 cups of water

1/3 cup Valdosta pecans

Exercise
30 minute walk around the dog park

Notes:
-Food and water were pretty good. I should have had a better, more filling breakfast because I've had no energy today.
-No energy equals less than good physical fitness. I plan to make it to the gym tomorrow even though it's Sunday. I'm unable to get a proper workout, I'm finding, without the gym because of my ankle. I require a machine for my footing because walking around the dog park on the grass was twisting my ankle every way possible making it a very painful experience. My gym has bad hours on the weekends so it's even harder to get there if you have something planned, which we did today. I don't like going places on Sunday, but I feel like I've jipped myself out of two good days and I need to get back before this lack of energy gets the best of me.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Day 4

I have to make this quick because I am sooo tired! We had a wonderful evening at our friend's house this evening. They made dinner for us and I was asked to bring potato salad. We played Scattergories, Buzz Word, Bomberman on the Wii, and Sing Star Abba and 90's on PS2. It was so much fun! All three couples are from our ward and we've gotten together at separate times with both couples, and love that we're getting to know them better. Andrew and I usually stay to ourselves as far as the friend making goes because we're both a bit introverted, but get me on the Sing Star mic and the extrovert shines through! Both couples are amazing people and we hope to get to know them better as time goes on. :) It feels great knowing there are people out there that are truly kind and want to be around you; and make you feel at ease in their presence. 'Wonderful night, fond memories!

As far as working out I didn't make it to the gym. This is not a bad thing though. My goals were to improve and to do intentional exercise. I changed it up today because I had to fit my workout in to a very busy day. So from this afternoon's activities (meeting up with my SIL and nephew which is always enjoyable) and errands, I finally got home at 4:30pm, had to make the potato salad, spend time with Baron, and fit in an exercise & clean up before 6:30pm when we had to start making our way to dinner. My neurotic self wanted another 2 hour gym session like I had been doing the last 3 days but that was physically impossible. I ended up popping in Slim in 6 and worked out 49 minutes, skipping past the lunge work because my ankle's not having any of that yet. So not as much as I wanted, but I'd say pretty darn good for fitting it in last minute. My perfectionist side is saying that wasn't enough, but my new life side is saying it's better than nothing so be grateful for the opportunity. I am.

Meals
2 slices of watermelon (2 servings)
1 bowl Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
2 cups of water

1/2 cup whole wheat pasta (l/o spaghetti)
4 oz meatballs
1/4 jar of Ragu
2 cups of water

2 cups of spinach, tomato, cucumber salad
2 tbsp Hidden Valley Ranch dressing
3 cups of water

1 cup of water during workout

1 white bun
approx 3-4 oz BBQ beef
1 cup of mixed lettuce greens
2 tsp balsamic vinegar dressing
3/4 cup of potato salad (approx 5 small red potatoes & 3 tbsp of mayo--most relevant ingredients)
1 cup of water

+1 cup of virgin Pina Colada slush

Exercise
49 minutes Slim in 6

Notes:
-Food was great today as far as getting enough of each of the food groups; maybe I could have used one more dairy. I have to give myself props for turning down apple pie AND vanilla ice cream although I'm not going to lie, seeing some people eat it made me a bit jealous, but I felt like I didn't want it badly, so I didn't want it at all. I felt badly for eating the potato salad with all the mayo, so it was a nice compromise. I love that potato salad.
-I've already explained how I felt about my exercise. Wish I could have done more, but am okay with it.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Day 3

Day 3!!! So I didn't just get really excited and go all out for a couple days, and stop when it got hard (already). I did my upper body workout on Day 1 and I've had the 48 hours recovery time and I'm so sore and TIRED that I just want to sleeeeeeep. My friend and I have been going for these 3 days and tomorrow she's going out of town. That means my first test has come: do I flake out and not go tomorrow and pretend it's a recovery day? HECK NO. Unfortunately, as pumped as I am in this moment, it doesn't last when my eyes are still full of sand. So thank you everyone who sets their eyes on this: I can't fail with another excuse. I didn't think I would be so determined, to not show up and say, "Day X: nothing." That horrifies me. I know this is my huge challenge, but just knowing that one person is reading this is enough for me to make sure that I don't quit. It seems as though I have issues with needing to prove myself, but maybe for once it won't be in vain.

What was different about today was I have the lingering thought that 30 minutes, 3 days a week is adequate exercise. It is, perhaps if I were already slim and healthy, and participated in sports or something. 'But I have 200 lbs to lose to fall into my ideal BMI range. TWO HUNDRED POUNDS. That is more than an obese person to lose off of this obese person. So that's why I'm trying not to focus on the huge goal, and just take it a day at a time. I'm already looking forward to writing about Day 4. This is some great motivation--knowing there is another day that I have to account for.

I am physically tired. Another big day of exercise has left me feeling drained. I was on the bench at the gym resting in between sets of shoulder presses, and I felt as if I could literally fall asleep right there. This happened last time as I remember. For the first few weeks, I'm prepared to be exhausted. My 'new body' is going to go through a ton of changes and the exercise is the laborious work on top of the work my body's not consciously doing. I'm prepared to try to get over 8 hours of sleep each night. You need that repair time everyday. So off to bed with me!

Meals
14 chicken wings (medium and honey garlic) l/o from wings night on Tuesday
1 tbsp blue cheese dressing
2 cups of water

1 large bowl (2 servings) of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
huge sliced diameter of watermelon (2 servings)

1-Chocolate chip Fibre 1 fibre bar
2 cups of water

3 cups of water at the gym

large salad of romaine lettuce (2 cups), tomatoes and cucumbers (1/2 cup)-(3 servings)
1 tbsp Hidden Valley Ranch dressing
1 cup of whole wheat spaghetti
4 oz lean ground beef meat balls with onion & olives
Ragu spaghetti sauce (cheese and mushroom)
1 slice of garlic toast
2 cups of water

Exercise
17 minutes on elliptical
36 minutes on treadmill
35 minutes upper body free weights/machines
20 minutes abs and stretching

Notes:
-Breakfast was really crappy this morning. I started eating the wings because they were easy and there, and I thought I shouldn't do it, but I did anyway. I figured, at least I'm getting protein--ha! Not going to happen again. I did waaay better on cutting out the fat from all the cheese overload yesterday. I only got 5 fruits and veg, but at least I got 5. Still have too many carbs (when I say carbs I mean breads and cereals group--complex carbs are good for you--I am not worried about my carb intake so much as trying to make sure I get a balanced diet and not overdo the breads & cereals--trying to get more fruits and vegetables). They aren't apparent until the end of the day. That's something I'll have to be more diligent about!
-Exercise was as awesome as usual. Spending 2 hours a day at the gym should show something soon. I don't think I'm overdoing it, as it seems alright and when you're this fat, the more the better. You'll notice I only did 17 minutes on the elliptical. I was going to change it up today but after 17 minutes my ankle was hurting so badly I could not push through. I hate the treadmill but unless I go swim in my fat suit, this is the only cardio that feels good on my ankle right now. Such is life.



Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Day 2

I am SORE!! Today I woke up from having had my first workout in over 2 months, with arms that did NOT want to move. I did an upper body routine and the worst is trying to stretch out my arms to stretch my chest, and lift my arms because of my shoulders. I knew there would be some soreness because I haven't done anything in so long, but I remembered that I didn't like this feeling! I also got one of my personally famous exercise headaches today, probably from over exerting, but meh. :) I'm also not eating a bowl of sugar with each meal, and maybe that's attributing to the headache. Although these may seem like bad side effects, I can't not feel so proud of myself for doing the work and looking at it in a way that's routine. I guess I'm cheating because before I sprained my ankle, I had started going to the gym in late November. I went religiously and lost 12 pounds during that time until the beginning of April--I know that's not a huge loss, but a loss non-the-less. Anyway, I tasted what it must feel like to those athletic types that say they get upset if they miss a day of exercise. Never in my life did I think I would ever feel that way. These last two days give me that feeling and if I miss tomorrow, I'll be miserable!

Andrew and I started making dinner at home (woo hoo!) about a month ago and it's been going really well. We've gone out maybe twice because of not planning properly and both of us saying no to cooking. What we're doing now is making the meal, which inevitably yields at least two portions per person, and dishing up the plate and the Tupperware containers all at once so there's no temptation to go back for seconds. This makes a nice already made lunch for Andrew to take as he makes his way out the door in the morning, and my lunch already prepared giving me time for other things.

Obviously this is a work in progress, but I'm off on the right foot. I took another step today and told my SIL about this blog which made me so scared to actually share it with anyone because until then, I still had my "out." I hadn't committed to anything yet, but now it's all changed. Now I don't want to look weak. Now everyone has the chance to see the numbers. Now I have to change. It's scary, but it's also exciting.

Meals
1-Fibre 1 peanut butter fibre bar
2 cups of water

2 cups of water during gym time

4 oz steamed salmon (l/o)
1/3 cup boxed rice pilaf--steamed, not boiled in butter (l/o)
1/3 cup canned spinach (l/o)
2 cups of water

1 apple
2 cups of water

1/4 tuna pie (1/4 cup shredded cheese, 1/4 cup pancake mix, 1/2 cup milk, 1 egg, 1/4 can of tuna, 1/32 cup green onions, 75 g cream cheese)
2 cups of water

6 graham crackers
2 tbsp margarine

1/2 cup water with prenatal vitamin (you never know!) and Saw Palmetto

Exercise
53 minutes walking on the treadmill at 140bpm
45 minutes machine working lower body
25 minutes stretching
40 minutes strolling around the dog park

Notes:
-Failed miserably with food today. Need about 6 more fruits & veg and .5 servings of dairy (and less of all the fatty cheese!). *It is estimated that most people only get 12 gm of fibre per day. The daily requirement is 25-30 gm. Fruits and vegetables are an excellent source of dietary fibre. Met water requirement--go me! It was also a very warm day.
-Exercise was awesome and at a perfect level!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Day 1

K, I'm about to leave for the gym for the first time in over 2 months. I'm totally scared because I know I'm so weak right now and out of conditioning. I'm freaked out that I'll somehow twist my ankle again, but I'm going to wear a brace so I should be okay.

I had 2 cups of water, and beanies and wienies on a hamburger bun for breakfast. That was a total carb load, but hopefully it will set me up for a good workout. I'll have a piece of watermelon right before I leave. I should have prepared my meals before I woke up and raided the fridge with a hungry stomach.

I'm not trying to push myself too hard, but hard enough that I'm aware of making small changes. Although not the picture perfect example of health, at least it's better than what I could have done for example last week: woke up to about 2 cups of vanilla ice milk and about 8 arrowroot cookies, then nothing until dinner. I'd say so far today has been a slight improvement. ;) On to the rest of the day...

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Plan

Weight: 344.2 lbs

Body: 52-54-68
Arm: 19 in
Thigh: 35.5 in
Calf: 20.5 in

Top size: 4X
Bottom size: 5X
Ring size: 8

I'm not going on a diet. Today I'm giving numbers to everyone with eyes who sees what I cannot hide from them every day. I'm not going to be less morbidly obese because I hide a number from everyone. These numbers will serve to represent my progress on my journey to become healthy.


The Plan

What does "healthy" mean to me?
1. A better chance at a cancer-free, diabetic free, heart attack-free life.
2. Living a day where I don't go to sleep at 11pm, wake up at 8:30am, return to bed at 9:30am, wake up at 12:45pm and drag the rest of the day.
3. Being able to walk a flight a stairs without having to catch a breath, and being able to climb 3 flights of stairs consecutively without being winded.
4. Having enough energy to take my dog for a walk without having to spend hours to days talking myself into the event.
5. Buying any clothes in any department or boutique store just because it's cute (and not because it's the cutest thing that fits).
6. Having photographs taken of me that I'm not ashamed to share.
7. Not constantly being asked if "I'm okay" because my face is red or there's physical activity involved.
8. Being able to eat a bite of food without guilt.
9. Giving my husband a trophy wife (he says I'm beautiful and I disagree--I want us to both agree).
10. Giving any family we might be able to bear a fighting chance at health through living by example.
11. Maybe my ankles will stop spraining under the pressure of a simple slip.
12. Feeling great about myself.
13. Sitting in a chair that doesn't hurt my hips. Sitting in a theatre seat without squeezing the person beside me. Not having to say sorry because I'm taking up their personal space and being the cause of being uncomfortable.

The list goes on, but these are a few that stand out right now.

How do I achieve this?
1. Write this blog. This is will make me accountable.
2. Look at food as a means of fuel. Allow myself to enjoy the taste. Eat what I need, not what I emotionally want.
3. Find out why I want to eat a whole pizza instead of one or two slices, or one serving.
4. Exercise for the purpose of exercise.

What do I plan to do?
1. Post a blog daily updating my progress.
2. Exercise at least 20 minutes, everyday except for Sunday. When this is no longer straining or I'm able to fit it in, increase the intensity or duration. This is the short term goal. Long term goal: 90-120 minutes, everyday except for Sunday.
3. For every meal, prepare the food to serving sizes using the Canadian Food Guide. Daily caloric intake will consist of approximately 1400-1800 calories. 5-6 grains, 3 dairy, 5 veg, 2-3 fruit, 2-3 protein. 8-10 glasses of water per day.

This is the plan.