Some exercises Ms. has us do just kill me. For instance, there were two benches parallel to each other and we had to step up on the bench from the side with our right foot, up with the left, and down, and up then up the second, left up, and down--then go back across reversed. My right leg can barely lift all my weight up (it's got to be 1.5-2 ft tall) then I had to lift myself up on my left leg (I'm right handed). I can tell you I only did it because Ms. helped me over, but I wanted to cry each time. I'm so scared of heights and balance as it is, and still carry the fear of spraining an ankle. This was the worst. I feel so defeated and Ms. keeps encouraging you can do it, you can do it and after a display of trying and failing I finally do. I don't feel much better though because there's the second bench to conquer. I have to constantly remind myself that I can do what I can do at my level and I will progress. I just feel scared to fall and embarrassed about my weight, everyone watching me struggle. 'Brief moment of doubt and a short lived lack of confidence.
Ms. has a huge good job, see? waiting for me at the end. The other group members also give a little confidence boost with a head nod and smile, them telling me good job, or a look and a breath like it's hard for all of us. I come back from the verge of tears, stubborn as heck to at least try despite everything that's holding me back, and I find somewhere that I can push again. Getting this validation amplifies the little bit of strength I feel I have in me. I need this. I'm so grateful I decided to train with them. It's changed so much about how I view the intensity of my solo workouts, and given me that extra boost to keep me focused.
Then there's front desk lady, and tiny step girl. Front desk lady stopped me from leaving to tell me she saw me working really hard and that it was good for me for doing that. Tiny step girl has started pointing at my rear now when we see each other and telling me I'm looking so good that everything's slimming down and gone! Heh, I always thought I would be pointed at in the bad way, made fun of with looks instead of getting encouraged. Maybe this is why it's so hard to get the gym for the first time, because we judge ourselves and believe everyone else feels the same way that we do. I've gained my support system even from strangers. This is why I've been able to go now for so long because I have proof that it's okay for me to be there!
I wish there was some way to tell less active people who want to be at the gym but won't go out of fear that it's okay. 'And look at how my life is changing. Where would I be without it? I cry because I can't believe how easy it is now--how many years was I held back because of the things I told myself I couldn't do? Yes, it is VERY hard work, but the motivation is easy now. I'm no longer afraid of pain, or sweat, or jiggling, or breathing. I know that the benefits out weigh any stupid, lying hang-ups I tell myself.
I think all you need to build this confidence is practice. ANYONE can do this. ANYONE. I used to think losing 200 pounds was reserved for people who had the heart, who probably wanted it more than me (obviously, right?), who had more money or more support, who had that type A personality--that fire to succeed. None of that is needed at all and it's completely false. All that's needed is a willingness to try just a little today, and when tomorrow comes, try to push just a little more than yesterday; and when you fail, you celebrate what you can do, and when you succeed, you celebrate harder. ANYONE can do this.
-e
-Meals
1 bowl multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
3 cups of water
1.5 cups left over bell pepper stuffing
1 apple
2 cups of water
1 bowl french onion soup
1/2 hamburger with cheese, bacon, guacamole
approx 20 sweet potato fries
1/8 of one piece of cheesecake (1 bite)
-Exercise
60 minutes personal training (strength/cardio)
