Day 65-70

I've been feeling very ill--still fighting this fatigue and anorexia (loss of appetite) thing. I went to see my doctor last Thursday which ended my day in tears, having to wait 4, yes FOUR, hours to be seen at my 1030h appointment. He's given me req's for blood work so I'm looking forward to the follow-up.

I've been disenchanted with keeping my blog postings up because of how crappy I'm feeling (and subsequent complaining) and how I'm not proud that I missed the gym Wednesday through Friday, today as well, and I've been eating horribly. It's like a downward spiral--I'm not eating so well so I feel worse, which makes me less motivated to try to do anything which makes me feel worse. I'm having a dark week.

Then we went on a weekend vacation with my in-laws that was very fun, but extremely draining. Andrew and I went on a bike ride for about 45 minutes after 3 hours of walking the town site where we were staying. I broke down in the middle of the bike ride, exhausted and feeling like a fat loser for not being able to keep peddling up a tiny incline. I told Andrew it was like having to do anything except while carrying a 12 year old on your back the entire time. No wonder us fatties are so lazy. Being fat is physically exhausting.

I'll be back tomorrow hopefully with a brighter attitude. I'm determined not to be a complainer. I'm trying to just state what's going on and trying not to be too hard on myself while trying not to justify my poor decisions to much. My biggest fear is failure and I feel like as long as I keep posting something, trying to dig myself out of this, I have not failed. I am resilient. I will fight this. I will come out on top.

Day 64

I was going to make this yummy sounding spinach and ricotta manicotti tonight but by the time we were ready to eat, it would have taken too long so we ordered pizza instead. I'm getting so sick of eating restaurant food. I'm going to have to make dinner a priority and set up, and prep so I don't fall behind and then "run out of time" to make it. Andrew and I are so bad at this and we are horrible enablers to each other. I can't imagine how it is for families with two working parents and kids to feed. I imagine this is why so many more families are having obese children. As a society we're so overworked that the things we should be prioritizing have fallen by the wayside, so we find quicker alternatives in our already overworked and busy lives and it's just making us all fat, miserable, and crazy. I hope that I can move more aggressively into making the simple things more important for us. If dinner takes half of our free time together, what's wrong with spending time together making food and eating it together instead of quickly finding something and then watching TV together and not even interacting except for the grins here and there at the funny moments? It will be a change but it's so worth it. I desire to live more simply! It's difficult to be creative when your brain is mush.

Speaking of TV I spent a grand total of one hour this morning during breakfast watching. The rest of the time has been busy doing productive things. All I want to do is go zone out to relax but I want my mind to start working again. I have so much to do with my brain but TV is so luring. My dumb stupidness is rebelling against my intellect. 'Just keep telling myself to make conscious movements forward. My goal is to get stuff done before I'd even think about before in order to not procrastinate. There's nothing wrong with failure if I just try, and I will fail if I don't try. It makes sense.

Meals
2 Fibre One oats and chocolate bars
2 cups of skim milk

3 cups of water

1 hamburger (l/o)
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1/2 cup artichoke hearts
1 cup of water

3 slices Papa John's pizza with 1 container garlic butter
2 cups of apple, pear, vanilla juice

1 kiwi
1 cup of water

Exercise
60 minutes iron reps class

Notes:
-I was at Costco and found a huge jar of artichoke hearts and they were all I could think of until I got home. Sooooooooooo good.
-I wasn't too pleased with my only one hour of exercise today but I was so tired during my routine that I didn't have energy to do another 10, 20, 60 minutes of cardio so I didn't. I told Andrew and he said something like "yeah but you still did 60 minutes, blah blah." I must learn to accept the positivity that he throws at me. Alright honey, you're always right. Thank you.