Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Day 225-Day 226: Homeless

When you're fixing to sell a house there's little time for anything. No time to eat, or exercise, or snuggle with your loved ones, or take a bath. All there is to do is clean the house, tidy the house, paint the house, de-clutter the house, sanitize the house, sign papers about the house, all the while living within the house, and eventually all this work just to say good bye to the house. In the end, there's usually a bigger house on the other side, a cleaner house, a newer house, a house you'll call home to for so much longer than you did the first, the house with a garage (finally), the house where you have your fresh start.

It's difficult to be excited about the new house when your life is consumed by your current house. There's the pressure to sell as this house is financing the down payment for your new house, so you want to make the best possible first impression for potential buyers so they don't have a reason to walk away. The house, YOUR house that you're living in is no longer your house but a piece of property you're selling. Your pictures are down, your comforts are packed away. Short of living out of a suitcase, you're now a stranger in the house you called home for so long, and it's finally in the best condition it's ever been in and now you can't enjoy it.

Your house is no longer yours. The potential buyers, whether you or they know it or not, are allowing you to stay in their house now. You want them to feel comfortable in their new house when they come to look at it, not awkward as a guest in your house. You're now the guest living in your beautiful old house for the next 2 months or so. You should have said "good bye" months ago to avoid feeling this emptiness.

'And your new house isn't yet done. So you visit your new house, still vacant, floor-less, echoing. It's still the builder's house, empty coffee cups and Gatorade bottles thrown on the ground--not remotely placed anywhere with purpose that you would take such care to set. In a sense, you're homeless. Not trying to compare that to the devastation of actually being homeLESS, but there isn't really a comfortable spot to call your own, something you've known within these walls, for so long.

Then I get sick and I want to curl up and sleep all day. But the home owners may be here to visit soon. I have to pick up the last of my crap so their house is perfect, being a respectful guest. I have no comfort. I have no carefree ease that I'm accustomed to. I miss my house, yet I can't wait to say good bye to it. We're here at the end and I just want it to be over.

-Meals
3 oz roast
1 can spaghetti
2 cups skim milk

2 cups of water

4 slices of whole grain bread
2 slices reduced fat cheddar cheese
2 slices skim swiss cheese
1 cup tuscan tomato soup
2 cups of water

1 can citrus green tea
3 shortcake cookies

-Exercise
None (today)
30 minutes walk/jog (yesterday)
60 minutes personal training of cardio and strength (yesterday)

-Notes
I'm finding it difficult to keep up with posting every day because of the time commitments I have with everything involved in the move. Hopefully this will be short lived. Hopefully.


Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 224: (Week 32) Sick Foods Feeds Sick

319.0 pounds; -0 pounds this week; 30 pounds lost total

The good?
After a week of torture, not gaining any weight is a small victory.

The bad?
I feel like hell.

There is a definite difference in how your body feels when you stuff it full of calories and fattening, non-nutritious foods versus whole, fresh, delicious, healthy foods. My body is lethargic, my muscles are achy, sick-achy; my head is stuffy and unclear, my eyes are watery and heavy. I'm not describing cold or flu symptoms, but my normal body symptoms from a week of abuse. If anyone has seen SuperSize Me, I'm sure you can relate to the sick, overstuffed and pukey feeling Morgan was experimenting with--and I imagine I'm now feeling a bit of how Morgan felt after a month of Micky D's abuse. Granted, Andrew and I weren't stuffing ourselves, but having processed foods for a week straight really messes with the nice balance I was feeling.

I skipped the gym this morning after telling a friend I would see her there. Why? I just didn't want to go. I got ready, took Andrew to the train, and came home for breakfast before I was to head out. Instead, I sat on the couch with my salad, and watched TV. At least I was eating a salad. At least.

I just don't have the energy to face going to the gym. I have that I'll do it tomorrow attitude. I hate that I'm feeling this way.

This is what you get when you neglect yourself. It's not pretty. I just want to sleep, but I have doors to finish painting. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. Bad food feeds this body of crap and keeps you in crap. No wonder it's so difficult to break free from. At least I'm aware of what's going on and recognize that it's not good. I can't believe I used to eat this way and thought it was normal to be lazy and bloated, and figured it was just me. Even at my current weight when I eat good food and exercise regularly, I feel so good. I want my good back. Maybe more sleep tonight on top of my salad this morning will help push me. I have my training tomorrow too, so going back to the gym after a brief vacation always puts me back on top. I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to sick Erica, washing away last week.

Note to self: don't do this again.

-e

-Meals
1 cup spinach
1/2 cup cucumber with skin
1/2 cup cherry tomatoes
1/2 cup whole grain croutons
1/2 cup chicken breast
2 TBSP blue cheese dressing
2 cups of water

forgot to diary the rest

-Exercise
5 hours painting doors

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Day 221-Day 223: Almost There

On Saturday, our Realtor came over and we signed papers to sell the house. He talked with us about the selling process, and as always I had a million questions because that's how I roll, and then he took pictures of our beautiful house. Just in time we got enough done that he was able to take enough pictures to post online to hopefully grab a few people to come look at the place. Thursday night I got about 2 hours of sleep, and Friday I got 4 long hours. Finally Saturday we slept 10 hours but woke up this morning feeling like those didn't really count. We made it a short church day, leaving before 3rd hour, to come home to feed our withering bodies, and snuggle in workless comfort - stress abated.

We didn't formally decide to sell on Saturday as there are still a few doors left to paint, and our basement to pack up so it looks more presentable. Our Realtor said the most action is in the first weeks, so we want the house to be completed, putting it off an extra day or two. As long as those papers are signed, all we need to do is call him and give him the "go ahead" and it's official that day. We could expect people at any time.

It will be a bit of an adjustment while we sell, as the house needs to stay in pristine order during this time. We like to leave our couch blankets unfolded, and sometimes the heavier soiled pots to soak overnight. No longer do we have that luxury. Secretly I love the fact that it must be spotless as I would choose an immaculate house any day, and maybe this will keep us in the habit to carry on into our new, untarnished house. I can't wait.

I didn't go to the gym at all this week. We ate fast food every night this week. I wouldn't say it was a total loss as we were working every waking hour. I'm just so very grateful this part is over as we move into the next phase of leaving our house for an hour at a time at the drop of a hat. B's going to get LOTS of walkies. What a fun time for him!

Prayers would be greatly appreciated for the quick sale of our house at a reasonable price. We're starting a bit late maybe for what we should have done, but we've listed a fair market price and have made the house move-in ready. I'm praying for the person(s) that wish to call this house their home to find us in ease and be moved to make that decision.

...time for sleep.

-e

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Day 219-Day 220: Are We There Yet?

Word to the wise: please get your home renovations done on time and way before you plan to sell your home. This week has been so exhausting. Every night I fall asleep quickly and soundly, and when Andrew's alarm goes off for work, my eyes take their time to open.

Our project list is dwindling, thank goodness. At the start of this week we had to finish our baseboard installation, paint those nail holes and doors, clean out the tub, and clean the basement. Last night Andrew finished the baseboards (yay!) and yesterday I spent 10 hours cleaning the tub. It started out innocently enough. I've been using industrial cleaners to melt away all the years and years of soap scum that has just been washed, but never removed really. Using a tile and grout cleaner finally proved to be the best. I scrubbed that grout for two hours, getting all the black stains from the corners. Yeah, the mildew is a never ending battle that was here since we moved in and I never had the ability to ever remove it and stains properly. I was feeling pretty good with myself at a nice job I had done. It wasn't looking brand new, but then again this house is 21 years old.

There were a few bits of the grout that had chipped away. I tried raking more of the stained parts. I ended up with a few areas that needed re-grouting. You know, not mixing with the bucket and troweling grout work--just premixed out of a tube, small areas. I began fixing these little areas and noticed my nice new clean white grout sticking out on a bed of yellowing old grout. I couldn't live with that. Tube and me spent the rest of the day going over every line, making the walls of that tub sparkle. I've never seen our tub area shine that white as it shines right now, and I hate myself for it. I could have left the tub hours and hours before, having the minor work on it completed. It was fine. Our house is 21 years old. Now my tub looks brand new. My only hope is that it was worth it in the end. I'm not going to lie--it's amazing how a few dollars of grout in a tube can transform the look and feel of the entire bathroom. 'But it took my whole day, an achy wrist from scrubbing, and bruised sit bones from getting up and down from the side of the tub all day and putting pressure on a small part of my behind. I definitely had a workout!

All that's left is to paint our interior doors, and clean up all the clutter in the basement. We have today and Friday to finish, then our realtor comes on Saturday to take pictures and have us legally selling our home. It's an exciting time and although we don't have a huge to-do list anymore, the 2 things we have to do will take us the entire time to finish. sigh

Deep breaths, LOTS of music, and plenty of breaks. It seems never ending, but I think signing our house away means the end is near...?

-e

-Meals
1 4 oz ground beef patty
1 white bread bun
1 slice cheese
a couple slices of lettuce, tomato, white onion
1 TBSP mayo
1.5 cups strawberries
1 York peppermint 100 calorie sticks
2 cups of water

to be continued

-Exercise
-Notes
I know everyone will hate me for this, but we've been eating out fast food nearly all week. I know I should be taking care of my diet, but I'm in an old habit of getting what's quick and easy when I'm so stressed and there's no time to cook. Honestly, I know this is the excuse, but there is NO time to cook. I'm allowing life to get in the way. At least I realize it and it's only a week.
I cancelled both of my personal training sessions this week, and haven't gone to the gym at all either. I guess it's okay when I make up for it by spending 10 hours cleaning and re-grouting a tub.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Day 218: Procrastination

What's new? We had a plan to list our home on January 4th. Here we are, 2 weeks later, and we're not finished with the little renos we have to complete, and I'm not at the gym working out because I need to squeeze in every minute to get this housework done. Yet, I can update my blog, play around with my Facebook games, and watch an hour of PVR's TV because I couldn't watch it last night, hustling to get our house done. Talk about priorities!

We've got our bedroom and our bathroom baseboards to complete, then painting nail holes and our doors, and cleaning up. It's so close, it's scary to think it's actually coming to an end. I think, wait, what are we missing?! We have to pretend there's so much more to do to avoid the panic that ensues with near completion, or we'll stop all together at 98% and wonder why we're getting sued by our new home builder for not having the mortgage cleared.

In the spirit of defying procrastination, I'm going to keep this short and go work on the house...

-e

-Meals
6 inch ham and Swiss left over Subway sandwich on 9 grain whole wheat
added 1/4 avocado (mmmmm)
1 cup strawberries
2 cups of water

1 can apple green tea

to be continued

Monday, January 18, 2010

Day 217: (Week 31) Milestones

319.0 pounds; -3.0 pounds this week; 30 pounds lost total

Measurements (since last taken on Day 112/Week 16 or 15 weeks ago)
Body: 48-49-64.5 inches; -1.5, -1.5, -2 inches; -4, -5, -3.5 inches total
Arm: 18 inches; stayed exactly the same; -1 inch total
Thigh: 34; -1 inch; -1.5 inches total
Calf: 19.5; -.5 inches; -1 inch total
Neck: 14 3/4 (This is my baseline. I thought it would be interesting to see what an impact losing weight would have on my neck size and sleep apnea, which I'm sleeping so well that I'm sure the severity is greatly reduced.)

Top size: 2x-3x; down 1 size; down two sizes total
Bottom size: 28 plus-sized or snug 4x; down half a size; down one size total
Ring size: loose 8

BMI: 51.5; -2.4 points; -4 points total


THIRTY!!!!!!

I made it to thirty pounds. Thirty was a sort of milestone in the back of my mind that I've been waiting to reach. After going through months of being at a 20-some pound loss, I have wanted to kick this plateau in the butt...and I did!

Thirty pounds is the difference between being at the upper limits of normal for my height (155 pounds) and the lowest level of obesity (185 pounds), according to the BMI. One of my goals is to no longer be "obese" and when I get to that goal weight, thirty pounds will be the amount that I have to lose to be in normal range, my overall goal.

It's been seven months since I decided to make a change in my life. I have these results, and much has changed, although I still have much to yet change. I would have to say my greatest accomplishment is getting to the gym on a regular basis and exercising consistently. I've exercised more in the last 7 months than I have over my entire life. Each pound I lose is now a record for the most weight I've ever lost. My clothes are loose, my pants zip up, and I'm running up and down our stairs (when I'm not sore!), breath still in tact. I'm sleeping so much better; I have more energy during my days. I'm happier day to day; my relationship with my husband is the closest it has ever been.

I look at 30 pounds as such a small number compared to the weight I still have to lose. I also look at 30 pounds as over 1/6th of the way to non-obese Erica. Although I wish it were a larger number at this point (over 7 months) I see it as I am 30 pounds lighter than I was 7 months ago by making small lifestyle changes. By not viewing it as an all or nothing diet, and falling off the wagon to binge, and taking failures as the end all, I have a victory where as before in my last 10 years I've had failure after failure. I am winning! None of this has been too difficult on me. It has been hard work, but it has been manageable, taking little steps and accepting my failures--celebrating my resilience.

When I look at what I haven't accomplished, and feeling badly about not eating perfectly, I have to acknowledge that I'm changing my life slowly and it is happening. I'm a different person than I was 7 months ago. I will take that over never having done anything and being the same pathetic version I was so unhappy with. THIRTY POUNDS!

-e

-Meals
1 cup Kashi Go Lean Crunch
1 cup skim milk
1 cup strawberries

1 can citrus green tea

1 cup spinach
1/2 tomato
1/2 avocado
1/4 cup cucumber
3 oz chicken breast
1 TBSP blue cheese dressing
1/4 cup croutons
2 TBSP reduced fat cheddar cheese
2 cups of water
2 cups of water

6 inch ham and swiss Subway sandwich
lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red onion, pickles, mustard
1 oatmeal cookie
1 white chocolate macadamia nut cookie
2 cups of water

-Exercise
Does a couple hours of housework count?

-Notes
I bought a 12 inch sub and could only eat half before I was full. Usually I'd polish a 12 inch sub, chips, 2 cookies, and a pop. Mmmmm, health.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Day 214-Day 216: Unexpected Events

On Friday night, I was getting the house ready for the huge night of installing baseboards that awaited us once Andrew got off work. He texted me to tell me he was leaving to go get B from day care (B goes to day care once or twice a week for social interaction and a change of habit). About 15 minutes later, he phoned to tell me he had been in an accident. He was okay and nobody else was involved, thank goodness, but the car was no longer drivable.

I phoned day care to ask if it was possible if I was late (I had 30 minutes to get myself ready for outside of the house, make instant phone calls to the insurance company to find out what to do, and make a 20 minute drive to day care) to have B stay the night as they do boarding as well. I ended up making it minutes before closing, so all was good there. Andrew was about 8 minutes away, so I made it to the parking lot where he was.

Turns out, the parking lot is fairly new, as he parks at the zoo for free (as a zoo member--no, not a monkey) to take the train in downtown for work. Most of the lights do not work yet, and the parking lot is really dark. They've been putting up sidewalks and concrete islands. These islands are for future grass in the middle of the curbs instead of filled with concrete. Somehow Andrew hopped the first curb of 4 in a row, each about 2 meters apart, and the airbags went off. After that, the memory is not there as it happened so fast. But Andrew believes that if the airbags hadn't gone off, then that shock wouldn't have been there, and hopping down into the dirt ditch, and back up another curb, and finally into the 3rd curb probably wouldn't have happened. We both agree that it's comforting to know that the airbags did work, but in this instance they were unnecessary.

He got some scrapes on his chin from the airbag, and lots of minor muscle aches. We're waiting for the dealership we had it towed to to appraise it to see what the damages are. The fire department said it was leaking radiator fluid. Because it was leaking, the fire department had to come assess. So we're thinking busted radiator, and perhaps bent chassis, with obvious cosmetic bumper repairs needed. I'm just grateful Andrew was okay.

After our big night, coming home we opted out of doing housework, both a little stunned.

Saturday we had a list of errands to run during the day, and then a fun birthday party for SIL and MIL. We ate out at one of our favourite restaurants, then went back to SIL & BIL's house for strawberry trifle, presents, and visiting. I love family get-togethers. Always an enjoyable time! We still had grocery shopping to do, so we were finally home by midnight, and fell right asleep.

Today, we spent a good 5 hours on baseboards, getting all the main floor completed, going upstairs. We have 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom to complete, and then a little cleaning up here and there and we can finally list this place! It's been a rushed project, but we're learning a lot and getting it done. It feels good seeing the progress.

So food, sleep, and exercise have been out the window all weekend. Here's to a better week, Monday, hopefully no huge surprises that get in the way of getting this house finished. Us procrastinators were supposed to list this house January 4th. We're a little late, but hopefully not too late and we'll still beat the spring rush.

I'm grateful that the Lord has been watching over us in these times. Also grateful that we've been able to have good attitudes about all the bad stuff that could potentially be horrible if we didn't have this amazingly supportive relationship of one another. I can't imagine having gone through these past few weeks with anyone else. What would normally stress me out just has me at a comfortable level to help push me through, and not freeze me up. Maybe it's the exercise, maybe it's a change in attitude. Whatever it is, I have the best life because I'm somehow able to let go of the little things, and think matter-of-"factly" through the bad things, and I'm so grateful for it.

-e

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 213: Being Active

I had a different training session this morning. 2 out of us 3 girls cancelled this morning, so I got trained by the Ms. solo. I liked the personal attention I got because everything was at my pace--I still got worked, but I didn't feel like I had to keep up with anyone. That's kind of good and kind of bad. I did make sure to push myself just as hard. I missed the other girls because then I don't have to talk as much. I'm a listener...it's hard for me to overcome my shyness around someone I don't know well, but Ms. is so awesome, professional, and someone you can't help but feel comfortable around so it went well.

We did a tug of war, and next time, I plan to have her butt on the ground! lol Then having the ball in between us, I had to push her as hard as I could. Another exercise, I hit a weight on the heavy bag. I totally got all my aggression out and left my workout feeling so happy. I love the feeling of pushing so hard, and just using my body to get all the emotions out physically. Exercise is a good therapist. I've been stressed and Ms. picked up on that. It felt freeing to be able to release all that was inside from the past week of all this reno stress. I still missed my group though. I love the dynamic, all of us pushing hard, trying to keep up with each other (although I feel like it's me keeping up with them, but meh), and they're a fun group so I get some laughs out as well. All in all though, since I had to do this solo, I think it was the best it could have been.

So I come home before the sun is up, workout already done, and did a little "Facebooking" and had to take a nap. I got less than 5 hours of sleep the night before, and less than 7 the night before that. Make fun, but I need 7-8 hours a night still or I'm beat. When I hit that sweet spot though, I do have a wonderful, energy filled day. Sleep is important for recovery!

I've been working out less, maybe an hour 3-4 times a week on average for about a month now. It's really helped with all that fatigue I was having in the earlier days. I think I was over training, or not taking enough calories to compensate, or something. Anyway, I'm going to aim for an hour 5-6 times a week now, as I have a program Ms. gave me to follow, and I want to work out more. It's finding the time to get there.

Ms. reiterated that life will always get in the way, and we'll always have excuses to put off exercise. I get down on myself if I'm not in the gym working out. Painting, installing baseboards, hours on hours of housework count though towards activity. I guess if I'm not at the gym, I shouldn't feel bad that I didn't make it because I was working on the house from sun up to sun down. I still wish I had it in me to be at the gym. It just feels more real and I'm in control of knowing that I am working so much, and I don't have to wonder what counts and what doesn't. Anyway, so that's something I have to tell myself that I need to make sure I'm exercising or being that active everyday in whatever way. Maybe I still don't know what counts as being a healthy, "active" person. I feel like I have a lot of time to watch my shows, but I'm in the gym every other day if not more, for an hour at a time. So am I a couch potato that exercises or am I an active person that watches reasonable amounts of TV? It matters because I want to know if I'm doing enough.

I was beaming telling Ms. that I'm now down 28 pounds from when I started in mid June. That's 7 months now. As I was saying it, I started to feel badly. I wanted it to be more. It should have been more according to my plan. It's not that exciting realizing that's only 4 pounds a month. I guess it's big for me because I've never lost this much before and I'm 28 pounds down from where I was last year, when most years I gain that much. So that's a small accomplishment. I guess it's also a "healthy" rate at 1 pound per week, but it could have been double by now, and still healthy. This just means that I can work harder. I have it in me. 'And this is my real life story. I don't have what they have on The Biggest Loser. I'm not on any fad quick weight loss "diets" like the grapefruit diet, etc. I have started Weight Watchers as a means to help portion control my food intake and get that weekly support from the meetings (which has helped a LOT). But I think I'm trying to do this the healthy way, even when I forget to eat well for days at a time. It's a learning curve. It's breaking 29 years of bad habits. I can't be too hard on myself.

So the house is almost done. I have a feeling I'll be posting pictures very soon, maybe by next week. Wish us luck!

-e

-Meals
1 chocolate breakfast bar
1 banana
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

2 pieces of sourdough toast
1 tbsp Becel olive oil margarine
1 cup orange juice
1 cup strawberries
2 cups of water

1 meatball sub from Subway on 9 grain bread, toasted
green peppers, red onion, olives, tomatoes, 2 lines of southwest sauce
1 can green tea ginger ale

1 cup water

-Exercise
60 minutes personal training (strength and cardio)

-Notes
None

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day 212: Too Much Stuff

Procrastination, deadlines, memories, attachments, all rolled up into a whole house of stuff.
Someone sign me up for the TV show Hoarders. My limbic system hurts.

-e

P.S. My internal chaos exacerbates my feelings like the house is that bad. Don't be alarmed. This is just a little joke to ease the frustrating stress of renovating and moving. Plus, I love the show so I'm identifying my pack-rat ways with it. ;)

P.P.S. Happy 31st wedding anniversary, Mom and Dad.

-Meals
1 cup of Kahsi Go Lean Crunch
1 cup skim milk
2 cups of water

1 cheese bun
2 slices of ham
2 slices fat free swiss cheese
1 cup of strawberries
1 can green tea ginger ale

3 cups of water

2 slices sourdough toast
4 tsp Becel olive oil margarine
1 cup of strawberries
1 cup skim milk

-Exercise
None

-Notes
I ended up working on the house all day and kept putting off dinner until 2230h. I ended up eating something light before bed because I was starving. 'Try to fit in proper meals even when I'm busy...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Day 211: Pushing Through The Pain

This morning I found how that my left leg wasn't just weaker than my right leg, but that my right leg compensated a LOT for my puny little left leg. I wonder if that's due to babying it all this time since I broke it when I was 3? I have a slight bit of scoliosis so I'm always a bit weird in the way I walk, or how my jeans fit. You would never know it unless you're me, but I know it. To digress, the zipper of my jeans always finds its way about an inch to one side. I'm always having to fidget with them so the button lines up with my belly button. It's really annoying. Also, my one shoulder is lower than my other, making it sometimes a bother to wear a bra.

Anyway, weird body, we were doing squats today. In a plie, squat as far down as you can until your bum touches the ground, and then back up. On the way back up, and not even realizing it, my trainer pointed out that my right leg was doing most of the work, and my little left leg was actually coming up off the ground as my right leg compensated for the work. How crazy is that to go my whole life not knowing this?! I knew my left side was a little weaker and I attributed that to being right handed, but wow, my little left leg is a sad, sad story. So my trainer wants to work on getting lefty stronger, so that means more of these exercises that I don't like that work my left side more. Oh joy!

I don't complain too much though. I don't know if they can see it on my face, but almost every workout, I want to cry. I feel the cry coming up. I'm constantly checking myself--what is this for? Because I'm scared I can't do it. I start getting this self doubt that makes me lose my confidence. I feel weak in that brief moment. But I have my life saving stubbornness that gets me though it. I shake off the cry, I breathe deeply, push harder, make it through...and what a reward that feeling of accomplishment gives. I don't care if I fail, I don't care if I fall. What matters is that I pushed beyond that instant of weakness into a moment of greatness. It's affirming to push through.

I always think this is what child birth will be like. No meds...just breathing, meditating, focusing, and pushing through the pain. People on one side say stuff like "why go through the pain when you can get meds and enjoy the experience?" I've been on the fence with this for a long time, always dreaming of the day when I get to make this decision. But then I think of the other side "this is the experience I want to have--pushing myself to do this." The more I work out at the gym, and feel my body get stronger, and feel my breath get fuller, and feel my mind more focused, I think childbearing would be like a physical marathon in its own way. I want to experience that. I want to experience the work and know that I overcame it. Many, most people tell me I'm crazy, but I just feel like it would be one of those physical accomplishments that I want to conquer. Why? Maybe I just want to pat myself on the back for enduring something difficult. I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty or sad that I endured the tough childhood I had. For once, I want getting through pain to result in greatness.

Huh. I think just writing that out has helped make up my mind. Now I just have to get there to get an opportunity to make that decision. I'm doing my bit, now it's up to the Lord. I'm good with that.

-e

-Meals
1 chocolate breakfast bar
1 banana

3 cups of water

1 onion bun (l/o)
3 oz lean ground beef patty
1 cup spinach
1/2 medium tomato
1 slice reduced fat marble cheese
1 cup extra pulp 100% orange juice
2 cups of water

to be continued

-Exercise
10 minute warm up on elliptical
70 minute personal training workout (cardio & strength)

-Notes
My quads don't work. I have jelly legs. Trying to get upstairs to go to the bathroom was a challenge. I'm so glad. It means I worked!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 210: (Week 30) Baseboards

322.0 pounds; -0 pounds this week; -27 total pounds.
Today we installed about 22 of 470 linear feet of baseboards. The picture above is the first foot, where it all started. Obviously we still need to go over and Dap the brads, but we did it and it looks pretty darn awesome for never having done it before.

For all you professionals out there, I've researched baseboard installation and have been told that we're supposed to start with the wall opposite the door and work towards the door. We're not spending time on coping, and we're mitering all the joints, so I think it's okay, no? Anyway, I can't tell the difference and I think if most people can't except for the pros, it doesn't hurt, does it? I'm very meticulous so if there are problems, be assured we'll go over it until it's done right.

I'm kind of proud of us. :) It's been fun borrowing D&A's tools. We're so grateful for handy people who have these toys, who aren't currently working on a project! We're learning a lot too, so the hands on education is priceless. I just wish we could skip the grueling trial and error lectures. sigh

Early morning, late night...time for bed.

-e

-Meals
1 cup Kashi Go Lean! Crunch
1 cup skim milk

3 mandarin oranges

1 cheese bun
2 slices of ham
1 cup spinach
1 Roma tomato
2 pickle slices
3 cups of water

1 cup strawberries

1 onion bun
3 oz lean hamburger meat
1 slice reduced fat marble cheese
1/4 cup grilled onions in olive oil
1/2 cup spinach
1/2 tomato
1 cup french style canned green beans
2 cups of water

1 cup of water

-Exercise
None

-Notes
So better meals today! 'Got in a bushel of fruits and veggies which are good. 'And exercise--are you kidding me? I spent all day working my butt off. But I will be in the gym tomorrow anyway.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Day 209: Lazy Sunday

We're supposed to be putting the house on the market last Monday. Since we can't go back in time, we can only list it in the future. One week later tomorrow's Monday, and we're still not ready. All the painting, de-cluttering, putting up baseboards, along with all the shopping for materials, learning the how-to's, and getting tutorials has pushed us back 10 times longer than we ever anticipated all this taking. Loads of people keep asking why the heck we are painting and putting so much work into the house. I can only suggest they went back in time to see what this house looked like before. I wish I had old photos or taken pictures before we started this work to get the satisfying "before" and "after" shots, but in the rush of just getting it done, that step was missed. Anyway, I have a feeling this is the week for victory.

So we had a good half of the day left after our church meetings let out at 1pm. We even came home a little early to rest because we had such a big day yesterday and our eyes would not stay attentive. Resting, we kept putting off the big work...video games, napping, taking B to the park. Eventually Sunday night cartoons were on, and well, it was a very productive day in the relaxing department. We accomplished lots of rest time, which in itself was much needed. It just means tomorrow we're playing make-up with all the work that still awaits us. I love these lazy Sundays to refocus our energies into the next week and I won't regret that as much as my nervous panic to get things done wants me to do.

-e

-Meals
chicken, spinach, cheese, mushroom on ciabatta bun sandwich (l/o)
sweet potato fries
2 cups of water

2 grilled cheese on sourdough bread
1 cup Tuscan tomato soup
2 cups of water

1 can citrus green tea
1 rice pudding cup
1 chocolate pudding cup

1 cup apple cinnamon tea

-Exercise
40 minutes quiet stroll around the dog park

-Notes
It's funny...I started feeling better and decided to be responsible and blog my way around again, and I'm reading my meals for the past couple of days and they're bad. We've been eating out a few more times than normal because it's difficult to prepare food in a kitchen that you can't walk in. Excuses aside, this week I'll make greater strides to eat three meals a day, and get my vegetables in. I will however still give myself a huge pat on the back because these restaurant meals that I've eaten have lasted two days instead of the one sitting. At least I'm eating half of what I ate before and that counts for something, doesn't it? I feel like a broken record...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Day 208: Year 4

Dad,

Four years ago today will be burned in my memory forever. I had just talked with you days earlier--you called me on your turn of our back and forth weekly calls. You had asked me if I needed any money, as you were paying for me to go to university and the new semester would be starting in just days. I lied to you and told you I didn't need any, that Andrew and I were okay and we could pay for it. What you didn't know is that we put my tuition on our credit card. We were living in a time where we had to run to the bank at 2330h on the 29th of the month just to take an advance out on our credit card, to put money in our chequing account so our mortgage payment on the 30th would clear. You had been very generous to pay for my education as I had finally proven to you that I was serious this time. I wanted you to be proud of me and know that Andrew and I were supporting each other well, so we passed on your offer to help pay for that semester's tuition. You told me, like you have many times recently, that you weren't feeling well, but after we spoke for a few minutes, you told me as you had so many times before, that just talking to me helped you feel better. I always thought you were depressed but then again, you have always been alone and it seemed to suite you well. I thought you just missed me, and I had no idea that physical pain your were feeling was more than just emotional pain manifesting itself. You didn't lead a very healthy life, but you had a good holistic attitude. I thought you'd be a grumpy old man living forever like Grandpa.

We hung up and I was proud of myself for making you proud, even if it was a lie. Yeah, we did pay for my schooling, but we were paying for it long after that day I wrote the cheque. We really could have used the money, but I was trying to be responsible in an irresponsible way. I guess looking back, it's all worked out though, right?

Anyway, school did start after the new year. I had my very first taste of my very first actual nursing classes in my new program. I had been though all the electives for the last two years, and now I had 2.5 years of pure nursing! I was brand new, very green, and doe eyed. I was ready to heal the world! I got so excited after my second class on the 9th. It was in the afternoon and I was studying hard for the next day. I thought about you, and thought about calling you as it was my turn to call, but thought that I should study up tonight so that I could be prepared for tomorrow's class, and I would call you tomorrow afternoon. Andrew was on his way out to the bank for a money exchange and then W called me. He never once called me since I had moved.

I was on a plane, the next flight I could find back home. The entire 3 hours, sitting by myself I cried. The flight was turbulent and it scared me. I now have a phobia of flying and need anxiety medication in order to fly. Things out of my control now, like being a passenger in a car, raise my anxiety levels to heights that make it almost impossible to accept. Andrew is a very capable driver and has never been in an accident since I met him 7 years ago. I still have to drive most of the time if I want to be comfortable.

We cremated you like you wanted even though I had a religious belief that your body should remain whole, I did what you had told me you wanted years and years ago. Seeing you frozen, touching you cold, I was cheated out of my good bye. B Brother was there with me, and we laughed at some good memories we had of you. For so long I wanted you dead. All the pain and hurt you caused me; your abuse, your drunkenness. But for the last couple of years when I finally didn't live with you and you couldn't control me anymore, we became friends. I knew you. I grew up and matured. I realized that you were hurting. I forgave you and you allowed me to be who I wanted to be, expectation free. After my entire life of wanted you dead, I got a good couple of years to completely erase that desire. I'm blessed to have known you those past couple of years, to make amends, to finally say I love you and mean it.

You orphaned me at 25. I know lots of kids grow up without parents, but I didn't have parents after mom died when I was 13, and then I finally did when I was 23. I didn't have enough time with you. I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss our inside jokes. I miss not being able to show you what I've accomplished. I miss that father I always wanted, and so briefly had. But, I had.

I love you, old man. The discount trees are in the back.

Erica

P.S. Thanks for my education and for our old house. Our new house is beautiful--we saw it today--and I think you'd approve of the design and architecture. Thanks for the huge head start.

-e

-Meals
3 oz goat cheese stuffed chicken breast (l/o)
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup green beans
2 cups of water

french onion soup
chicken breast with mozzarella cheese sandwich on ciabatta bun
sweet potato fries
4 cups of water
8 bite sized chocolate chip cookies

1 tall non-fat Starbucks hot chocolate, no whip

-Exercise
None

-Notes
Renovating is a huge job. We are trying to finish everything quickly in order to list the house this week. It was another hugely busy day, laced with so much exhausting emotion. There again, wasn't any time for breakfast, or for exercise but I have been working all day long! I'll be happy when all this house work is finally completed. We're almost done!

Day 207: Tegan and Sara

I exchanged gifts with one of my very best friends this Christmas. She has given past gifts of tickets to things like Zoo Lights and Vertigo Mystery Theatre. I joked with her that she keeps Andrew and me busy with dates all year. But she knows me and the things I like to do, and receiving these gifts make me feel so special, like she really took time to think of me. I love that about her--so thoughtful! This Christmas she went above and beyond and surprised us with concert tickets to see one of my favourite bands, Tegan and Sara. It was a fun night getting a bit dressed up to go to a concert. Parking was easy and not far away, and getting settled in our seats was a breeze. We got seats right on the aisle, so I was even excited to not have to bump my fat elbows with all the skinny people. Funny though, each pound I lose, I fit in auditorium seats better. I'm almost comfortable, and soon, others sitting next to me might be as well.

We had an excellent night, full of good music, and like Aly warned me, their on-stage banter was hilarious (they are 29 year old twin lesbian musicians). It was a really fun night! They played a lot of songs off their new album that I just got for Christmas, so I got an entire week to drown myself and learn the new album, and surprisingly, I recognized and could sing along to some of it! We also got a good handful of their older stuff--Tegan and Sara classics--which was awesome. We got home quite late and pretty much went straight to bed. It was a very memorable date, and again, a fun time had because of a generous friend who we can't thank enough!

-e

-Meals
chicken burger (l/o)
sweet potato fries (l/o)
1/2 piece German chocolate cheesecake (l/o)
2 cups of water

3 oz parsley and green onion goat cheese stuffed marinated chicken (yum!)
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup asparagus
3 cups of water

1 cup Starbucks hot cocoa mix with water

-Exercise
60 minutes Hatha yoga

-Notes
I skipped breakfast by pure necessity and not desire. I just got swamped fitting in everything before our date that lunch came quickly after a busy morning, and then dinner wasn't even thought of until it was time for dinner. I know, bad on me. :( Always eat a healthy breakfast!!!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Day 206: Confidence Gained, Just A Little At A Time

I've been doing make-up personal training sessions so that I'm at the same number as the other two in my group. The make-ups are at 600h Thursday mornings. That means I have to wake up by 445h just to get ready in time to make it outside to scrape all the ice off the car, to drive down the off-road residential street the snow transforms for us, and to get into the gym on the treadmill at 600h to warm up before the Ms. kicks our butts. That's early!! I'm used to waking around 730h when Andrew gets up for work. That's nearly 3 hours of sleep I miss and my internal clock certainly knows it. Even getting to bed 3 hours early (not that I did this, but have before) doesn't really make a difference. My body is in rhythm right now which in most ways is perfect because I sleep really well, but it sucks for days like today. At least I went.

Some exercises Ms. has us do just kill me. For instance, there were two benches parallel to each other and we had to step up on the bench from the side with our right foot, up with the left, and down, and up then up the second, left up, and down--then go back across reversed. My right leg can barely lift all my weight up (it's got to be 1.5-2 ft tall) then I had to lift myself up on my left leg (I'm right handed). I can tell you I only did it because Ms. helped me over, but I wanted to cry each time. I'm so scared of heights and balance as it is, and still carry the fear of spraining an ankle. This was the worst. I feel so defeated and Ms. keeps encouraging you can do it, you can do it and after a display of trying and failing I finally do. I don't feel much better though because there's the second bench to conquer. I have to constantly remind myself that I can do what I can do at my level and I will progress. I just feel scared to fall and embarrassed about my weight, everyone watching me struggle. 'Brief moment of doubt and a short lived lack of confidence.

Ms. has a huge good job, see? waiting for me at the end. The other group members also give a little confidence boost with a head nod and smile, them telling me good job, or a look and a breath like it's hard for all of us. I come back from the verge of tears, stubborn as heck to at least try despite everything that's holding me back, and I find somewhere that I can push again. Getting this validation amplifies the little bit of strength I feel I have in me. I need this. I'm so grateful I decided to train with them. It's changed so much about how I view the intensity of my solo workouts, and given me that extra boost to keep me focused.

Then there's front desk lady, and tiny step girl. Front desk lady stopped me from leaving to tell me she saw me working really hard and that it was good for me for doing that. Tiny step girl has started pointing at my rear now when we see each other and telling me I'm looking so good that everything's slimming down and gone! Heh, I always thought I would be pointed at in the bad way, made fun of with looks instead of getting encouraged. Maybe this is why it's so hard to get the gym for the first time, because we judge ourselves and believe everyone else feels the same way that we do. I've gained my support system even from strangers. This is why I've been able to go now for so long because I have proof that it's okay for me to be there!

I wish there was some way to tell less active people who want to be at the gym but won't go out of fear that it's okay. 'And look at how my life is changing. Where would I be without it? I cry because I can't believe how easy it is now--how many years was I held back because of the things I told myself I couldn't do? Yes, it is VERY hard work, but the motivation is easy now. I'm no longer afraid of pain, or sweat, or jiggling, or breathing. I know that the benefits out weigh any stupid, lying hang-ups I tell myself.

I think all you need to build this confidence is practice. ANYONE can do this. ANYONE. I used to think losing 200 pounds was reserved for people who had the heart, who probably wanted it more than me (obviously, right?), who had more money or more support, who had that type A personality--that fire to succeed. None of that is needed at all and it's completely false. All that's needed is a willingness to try just a little today, and when tomorrow comes, try to push just a little more than yesterday; and when you fail, you celebrate what you can do, and when you succeed, you celebrate harder. ANYONE can do this.

-e

-Meals
1 bowl multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

1.5 cups left over bell pepper stuffing
1 apple
2 cups of water

1 bowl french onion soup
1/2 hamburger with cheese, bacon, guacamole
approx 20 sweet potato fries
1/8 of one piece of cheesecake (1 bite)

-Exercise
60 minutes personal training (strength/cardio)

Day 205: Gaining Spirituality

A few hours late, but posting none-the-less!

Andrew and I are trying to be really good about filling our hours being productive, whether that's productive being busy and accomplishing work tasks, or being productive accomplishing our own interests or spending quality time together. We're trying to incorporate a more spiritual environment at home, and focusing on those goals. Although not Monday, we finally held a "formal" family home evening involving scripture study. Now having our new lesson study guides for the year, we've decided to look at our Sunday School lesson during the week to be prepared for Sundays.

It was about 2000h after all the dinner had be eaten and a show had been watched. About this time it would be pretty typical for us to keep watching another show until bedtime, or to play video games. Now I can't really say anything bad about video games in moderation. I find them enjoyable, and Andrew certainly does as well. Keeping moderation in mind, instead of doing these activities, we decided to make a little game for ourselves. From 2000h-2100h, we decided to quickly do as much house work as we could and then stop. After, we held our family home evening, and actually got ready for bed before 2300h. It was a nice change to feel like we didn't have to spend all night working on the house, but that we got some done; but then we got some scripture study time in, and some good family time in as well--so much more accomplished, and in bed earlier than normal. This was how I like my free time! Being enjoyably productive without the stress of needing to be productive, and then falling asleep for a full night's rest.

I lived 21 years without allowing the Lord truly in my life. The more I allow the spirit in, the better I feel. I've lived both ways--with and without religion. I can't tell you how much more my life is fulfilled and I'm more easily able to cope with adversity now with it. So my spiritual choice is believing in a loving, Heavenly Father, with scriptural principles that guide my life. I also like to do yoga and take strength from being in tune with my body and my quiet, inner self. I believe everyone has the choice to choose whatever spiritual belief system they want to use to guide themselves in this life, but having that belief system and acknowledgment of a higher power beyond ourselves, I think is one key into being a whole, functional person. For me, I can honestly and truly say my life has never been better than this day and I expect tomorrow to be better than today. I am grateful that Jesus died on the cross for me, that I might return to Heaven and be with my family for eternity.

May each of us find that inner light guiding our paths to seek out that higher power; to know what is true in guiding only ourselves, and accepting--not judging--our neighbors; and to live righteous and joyful lives through peace on earth.

-e

-Meals
1 bowl of multi grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

4 wint-o-green Life Savers
1-100 calorie Reece wafer bar
2 cups of water

17 tortilla chips
1/2 cup kidney beans
1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese
1/4 cup salsa
2 cups of water

1/2 red bell pepper
1/2 yellow bell pepper
each stuffed with:
1/3 cup brown rice
1/4 cup chickpeas
onions, celery, parsley, tomato paste
1/6 cup shredded light mozzarella cheese
2 cups of water

3 lemon coconut digestive crackers
1 cup of water

-Exercise
None

-Notes
Before we ate our healthy stuffed bell peppers, someone suggested next time we stuff them with bacon, blue cheese, and mushrooms...mmmmm, how delicious would that be? If I can think up enough stuffing and add the bacon & blue cheese as condiments, we might have ourselves the yummiest stuffed bell pepper in the world...maybe like cauliflower used as a filler? We'll see.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Day 204: What We Tell Ourselves Matters

Did I mention I started personal training at my gym, as in, I'm the client and I voluntarily PAY to get my butt kicked twice a week? I go Tuesdays and Thursdays and today happens to be another (gasp!) Tuesday. As I sit here at the computer, all I can feel are my tight calves from step class yesterday, amplified to the hurtiest degree today from something else my mind has blocked that was painfully sweaty at the time, and had my heart and lungs performing at maximum levels. It's an awesome feeling!

So of course I watched the first episode of The Biggest Loser Season 9 tonight. I'm kind of a fan of the show. Watching this time was different than watching episodes 1-8. Instead of crying because I was proud that someone else was doing it and trying to draw strength, motivation, or energy from their experiences (whilst an overflowing bowl of ice cream fell into my mouth), I cried a different cry. My tears, this time flavoured with 2 coconut lemon digestive crackers and a glass of skim milk, were for those sweet people who had lost their way, who were making a difference, and not realizing it yet. I found myself looking at my 322 pound body in amazement: I was you just months ago.

This season started out with the contestants taking their first weigh-in in their hometowns, in front of their family and friends. Bob, the trainer, called them courageous for putting it all out there and showing everyone who they were. He said it was a step to being completely honest with themselves. I couldn't stop crying because I did that by starting this blog 204 days ago. I was you just months ago.

With them, I felt the potential embarrassment and apprehension that they were going through, letting people see them shirtless, and reading the number on the scale; bare and unable to hide. I cannot emphasize what a huge milestone this was for me in my life--starting this blog and telling everyone what I weighed--and how awesome it is that people are doing this now that I see how empowered I've become. I believe this is a step everyone should take in their own way if they have this weight issue to overcome--being honest, being brave enough for the potential embarrassment, being free to accept yourself as you are, as you move into your new, healthy life.

We're fat because we fed our emotions. Period. We were filling a void by crying into a brown paper bag, we were celebrating joy by cutting a slice of cake; and we didn't get up from the couch except to get seconds. There's a point in which you begin to celebrate with laughter, cry on a shoulder, and go for a walk just to breathe the air. When we start doing those things more often and the food part becomes more as an accessory, our lives become richer. We're taking care of our bodies and learning how to treat ourselves in a healthier manner most of the time, instead of as the exception to the fattening, less-active rule. We begin to love ourselves. It's amazing how when we trust in ourselves and allow ourselves to fail, we can do so much more than we tell ourselves we're able to do.

-e

-Meals
1 cup multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
1 apple

3 cups of water

17 tortilla chips
1/4 cup kidney beans
1/2 cup low fat black refried beans
1/4 cup salsa
1/3 cup reduced fat cheddar cheese
1 can of green tea ginger ale

2 cups of water

1 Edo meal (rice, vegetables, chicken, shrimp, teriyaki sauce)
2 cups of water

2 coconut lemon digestive crackers
1 cup skim milk

-Exercise
5 minute cardio warm up
60 minute personal training workout (strength training)

-Notes
I love Edo! It's a Japanese fast food/restaurant. It's one of the more healthy options when eating on the go. It was either that, or New York Fries where my brain obsessed for a few minutes over a hot dog and poutine. I can have that hot dog later. It doesn't agree with my sore body reminder that I am sore because I exercised hard for my health this morning.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Day 203: (Week 29) Love The Encouragement

Welcome back to Monday weigh-ins!

322.0 pounds; -11.4 pounds from last weigh-in on Oct 13, 2009 (Day 120 in week 17); -27 total pounds

I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I'm almost at a loss of 30 pounds! I can't believe that I passed 20 pounds after that huge plateau and depression induced hiatus. I can't believe I'm here. I've never lost this much weight in my life. I'm doing it.

This post is another sappy thank you to all those who continue to encourage me. I have shed tears from the amount of support I continually receive. You don't know what an impact your exclamation ended sentences make on my motivation to try harder; what it's done for my self-esteem, validating that people do want to see me succeed and still love me even though they know all this "stuff" about me. Thank you.

I received a beautiful email recently from a friend who is in a similar position as me, wanting to make a change in their own life. It was a few sentences simply offering to encourage each other, and asking what I'm doing that's working. I'm realizing that I'm actually making a difference--a tangible, visual difference in myself and I'm not just talking about it like I have been for the last 10 years. I'm doing it. There's just a fire that keeps burning brighter and brighter to succeed. If anyone thinks negative reinforcement works, positive reinforcement works better. Thank you for acknowledging me and validating my work. Being raised by a negative reinforcer robs the little girl inside of me of feeling positively about myself, learning this when I was young. I have always had a hard time taking a compliment. I try to shove it away because I always doubt, fear, or don't trust. But I'm learning that I am worthy of love and friendship just by being me and I don't even have to be a perfect version. Thanks to my surrogate mother who I'll name "Mommy" for planting that idea in my head.

To all of you, I'm humbled by your words.

-e

-Meals
1 chocolate breakfast fibre bar
1 apple

6 cups of water

17 whole grain tortilla chips
1/2 cup low fat refried black beans
1/2 cup salsa
1/4 cup non-fat sour cream
1/3 cup reduced fat shredded cheddar cheese
1 cup of asparagus
2 cups of water

17 whole grain tortilla chips
1/2 cup kidney beans
1 cup spinach
1/2 cup tomatoes
1/3 cup reduced fat shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 cup lean ground beef
1/4 cup non-fat sour cream
2-100 calorie Hershey's crisp wafer bars
2 cups of water

-Exercise
60 minutes step & pump class
60 minutes walking on the treadmill

-Notes
I haven't worked out for 2 hours in one go in a long time, and I'm not tired (surprisingly) probably because I'm sort of used to this. Pushing an extra 30 minutes didn't do me completely in; and I never got that exercise headache I was expecting after such a kick butt class (seriously, I was sweating through my knees and elbows). Maybe it was because I stayed hydrated and ate right after? I'll try that again next time and perhaps learn that I need 6 cups of water instead of just 3 cups.
In trying to eat from home, we're stretching our leftovers so a lot of the time you'll see me eating the same meal twice a day (seldomly) or for dinner one night, and as lunch the next day (often). It saves our budget and our belts. Win-win!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day 202: Not to Resolve Anything

I'm just going to put out some goals that I have for 2010. Making resolutions is like dieting, and so I refuse to do that! I think if you have goals, you make a plan for those goals, you will achieve them instead of running full speed, cold turkey, whatever at the start, and then allowing yourself to drift away. At least, that's what I am likely to do if I make a resolution to change anything.
I'd rather just make a focus on what's important to me, and set out to make it happen.

2009 you were a pain
In my neck that I did gain.
From you I cried
More tears for loss
Than any for joy
in laughter I crossed.
I will not beg
For time not had,
But for better days
To erase these sad
Memories burned
in the darkened depths of my heart
My soul. 2010,
pray resilience through my strengths
to impart.
-e

1)We will have a baby on the way, either through natural means or adoptive intervention.

2) We will move into the new house we hope to call our home for many years to come.

3)I will complete my Bachelor of Science Nursing degree.

4)I will be fitter, stronger, healthier than I was when I first met my husband 7.5 years ago.

5)I will say goodbye to my beloved and youthful 20's, and move fitter, stronger, healthier, and wiser into my 30's.

I will not only pray for these things, but work to their ends. Looking at the bigger picture, it doesn't matter how long it takes, but these things, this year, is their natural time to come and I'm looking forward to devoting all my energy to accomplishing these goals within my own world.

The world can mean every being working together as one, and the world can mean your centre and what you project out. I'll end here with one of my favourite life guiding perceptions that will anchor me in reaching my goals for this bright new year:
"You must be the change you want to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi

-e

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Day 201: A New Beginning

I'm not much of a New Year's resolution type person, but I do have some specific goals in mind for 2010 which I'll be sharing tomorrow. Like with exercise, it's just a matter of doing it; this poor blog I've neglected, and neglected my readers--and to you I'm sorry--but I'm posting now at 2356h before I need to hop in to bed and make my beauty sleep count! Just do it!

For a quick update, I've now lost a grand total of 26 pounds since June and although it's not as huge of a number as I hoped it would be, it's more than I've ever lost in my life so it's a small victory in it's own right. Two non-scale victories: I'm not panting at the top of my 13 stair complete with landing staircase; and my clothes are falling off me, not snuggly fitting my rolls, and I'm going to have to go shopping!

In the most simplistic terms for articulating my success, my secret is: eat less, move more.

Have a wonderful evening, God Bless, and all the best to you all in 2010!

-e