Saturday, January 9, 2010

Day 208: Year 4

Dad,

Four years ago today will be burned in my memory forever. I had just talked with you days earlier--you called me on your turn of our back and forth weekly calls. You had asked me if I needed any money, as you were paying for me to go to university and the new semester would be starting in just days. I lied to you and told you I didn't need any, that Andrew and I were okay and we could pay for it. What you didn't know is that we put my tuition on our credit card. We were living in a time where we had to run to the bank at 2330h on the 29th of the month just to take an advance out on our credit card, to put money in our chequing account so our mortgage payment on the 30th would clear. You had been very generous to pay for my education as I had finally proven to you that I was serious this time. I wanted you to be proud of me and know that Andrew and I were supporting each other well, so we passed on your offer to help pay for that semester's tuition. You told me, like you have many times recently, that you weren't feeling well, but after we spoke for a few minutes, you told me as you had so many times before, that just talking to me helped you feel better. I always thought you were depressed but then again, you have always been alone and it seemed to suite you well. I thought you just missed me, and I had no idea that physical pain your were feeling was more than just emotional pain manifesting itself. You didn't lead a very healthy life, but you had a good holistic attitude. I thought you'd be a grumpy old man living forever like Grandpa.

We hung up and I was proud of myself for making you proud, even if it was a lie. Yeah, we did pay for my schooling, but we were paying for it long after that day I wrote the cheque. We really could have used the money, but I was trying to be responsible in an irresponsible way. I guess looking back, it's all worked out though, right?

Anyway, school did start after the new year. I had my very first taste of my very first actual nursing classes in my new program. I had been though all the electives for the last two years, and now I had 2.5 years of pure nursing! I was brand new, very green, and doe eyed. I was ready to heal the world! I got so excited after my second class on the 9th. It was in the afternoon and I was studying hard for the next day. I thought about you, and thought about calling you as it was my turn to call, but thought that I should study up tonight so that I could be prepared for tomorrow's class, and I would call you tomorrow afternoon. Andrew was on his way out to the bank for a money exchange and then W called me. He never once called me since I had moved.

I was on a plane, the next flight I could find back home. The entire 3 hours, sitting by myself I cried. The flight was turbulent and it scared me. I now have a phobia of flying and need anxiety medication in order to fly. Things out of my control now, like being a passenger in a car, raise my anxiety levels to heights that make it almost impossible to accept. Andrew is a very capable driver and has never been in an accident since I met him 7 years ago. I still have to drive most of the time if I want to be comfortable.

We cremated you like you wanted even though I had a religious belief that your body should remain whole, I did what you had told me you wanted years and years ago. Seeing you frozen, touching you cold, I was cheated out of my good bye. B Brother was there with me, and we laughed at some good memories we had of you. For so long I wanted you dead. All the pain and hurt you caused me; your abuse, your drunkenness. But for the last couple of years when I finally didn't live with you and you couldn't control me anymore, we became friends. I knew you. I grew up and matured. I realized that you were hurting. I forgave you and you allowed me to be who I wanted to be, expectation free. After my entire life of wanted you dead, I got a good couple of years to completely erase that desire. I'm blessed to have known you those past couple of years, to make amends, to finally say I love you and mean it.

You orphaned me at 25. I know lots of kids grow up without parents, but I didn't have parents after mom died when I was 13, and then I finally did when I was 23. I didn't have enough time with you. I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss our inside jokes. I miss not being able to show you what I've accomplished. I miss that father I always wanted, and so briefly had. But, I had.

I love you, old man. The discount trees are in the back.

Erica

P.S. Thanks for my education and for our old house. Our new house is beautiful--we saw it today--and I think you'd approve of the design and architecture. Thanks for the huge head start.

-e

-Meals
3 oz goat cheese stuffed chicken breast (l/o)
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup green beans
2 cups of water

french onion soup
chicken breast with mozzarella cheese sandwich on ciabatta bun
sweet potato fries
4 cups of water
8 bite sized chocolate chip cookies

1 tall non-fat Starbucks hot chocolate, no whip

-Exercise
None

-Notes
Renovating is a huge job. We are trying to finish everything quickly in order to list the house this week. It was another hugely busy day, laced with so much exhausting emotion. There again, wasn't any time for breakfast, or for exercise but I have been working all day long! I'll be happy when all this house work is finally completed. We're almost done!

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