Day 62

I just finished a read of some comments from a few days back and commented. I don't think I've been clear with my little dilemma...
I've been debating whether or not I should stop making gym appointments with my friends because the times vary so much that it keeps me from maintaining a consistent schedule. This has nothing to do with my friends AT ALL, all I'm struggling with is the possibility that I'll have to stop making appointments with them, at least for the time being, in order to get myself on track and dig myself out of a huge hole.

I need to complete my last 6 courses before November 30th in order to take my final practicum in January. I'm only into 2 of the 6 courses, and I'm dragging my feet. I have this pressure to finish them, a very real deadline, yet all I do all day is go to the gym at the appointed time, then piddle around all day doing little things here and there, wasting much of my time on TV primarily.

My problem is not that my friends have weird schedules or schedules that "make" me disorganized because that is not the problem. The problem is that I'm so unorganized in everything else, that by making appointments at different times, there's no real set time that I've allotted for my studies. Because I'm not disciplined in completing my studies, I get stressed. I'm not disciplined because my mind wanders on everything else that I want or must do.

In no particular order:
-Lose weight
-Try for a baby
-Complete my 6 courses
-Complete my immigration paperwork--the second part going on 6 years now
-Renovate the house
-Sell the house
-De-clutter my home (I think I may have the beginnings of a serious hoarding issue)
-Make time for my dog
-Make time for my friends
-Magnify my callings
-Be a good wife
-Zone out on Big Brother, More to Love, Intervention, Obsessed, anything else on TV

I absolutely realize that many, many people have much, much more to do or worry about. I realize that my to-do list is one that many people would wish they had. I do not want to come across that I am complaining about any of this or ungrateful for the blessings I have in my to-do list. My problem is quite ironic. My brain only functions in an organized manner and I don't organize any of this--I'm very disorganized. I have the worst time management skills or lack thereof, and my list feels so huge that I freeze and allow myself the most time zoning out watching TV.

I think this is a lifestyle. I think it may have addictive traits. The first thing I do in the morning or when it's time for lunch is sit down on the couch and start watching. I'll find one show or something I TiVo'd and watch that promising myself that I'll only watch that one. 4 hours later I'll find myself still sitting there, zoned out. I shake my head, feel pathetic, that depression deepens my feelings of disdain for myself so I watch more to escape. I'll count down the minutes, okay, 30 minutes until I have to get ready for the gym; 20 minutes; 10 minutes; it's time but I'll set an alarm and watch for one snooze and hurry; oh my gosh, I have to go...and I'm late. This is my mentality for pretty much EVERYTHING in my life.

I HATE that I just wrote this. I feel pathetic. As with exercising and losing the weight that I already have, if I don't do something about it, it will never change. Maybe this is "doing" today, and I'll be inspired to change tomorrow because I'll have to report on my day. I don't want everyone to know that I'm a loser. I think I pull it off pretty well most of the time, and appear alright most of the time. I feel like writing this is giving away a secret that I want to keep. It's a dirty little secret that holds me back from life. I want to live.

Ugh. I'm going to post...

Day 61

...a sick blur...