Day 100

Day 100 has arrived!!!

Instead of being able to celebrate an extreme milestone today, I'm celebrating a rebirth. Andrew and I just got back from a very fun and relaxing vacation which has left me invigorated and ready to take on the world. See, during vacations we end up having a long good sleep overnight every night, and wake up early-ish every morning to do all the fun stuff we want. Having practiced that for 2 weeks, I am almost in the habit of going to bed, and just waking up when I actually wake up in the morning instead of going back to sleep or taking my time being lazy. I have this renewed sense of longing for accomplishments and that sense is not masked by an overwhelming doom of perfectionism.

On vacay I was able to relax and take things as they came, preparing me for real life and giving myself the tools to adapt to change. I haven't lived like a creature of survival--if things aren't in my little categories and all ducks are lined in a row, I create this chaos all around me. The need to be organized was a label I branded myself with instead of using it as a tool to be more functional--something I have been trying to figure out. I think I may have a very novice insight into how this will all play out and how I can apply the new found ideas of relaxation translated into the business of real life. I need to be more laid back, go with the flow, accepting that I and every aspect of life is not perfect, and that is okay. I don't need to have every little thing in my life imprisoned by these unrealistic expectations; irrational deadlines. I have a deadline for losing weight, for baby making, for finishing school, for when which part of the house is going to be finished before another part can be started. All the deadlines make me crazy because I don't complete about 99% of them "on time" which kills me with more stress leading me to a miserable, guilty feeling of myself, making me unhappy, and leading me to not caring about my body, eating everything in sight (and subsequently skipping blog postings throwing away everything I've tried to build this thing on).

People have recently asked my why am I not posting every day anymore--am I giving up? Holy heck no! The few weeks before vacation I think I was feeling such a sense of doom that yes I could have given up. I would have rather given up than to pull myself along lying to everyone that my heart was in this while I was eating ice cream every day and not exercising because "I need time off." Are you kidding me? It's so easy to make excuses, fall into habits, justify your actions/believing your own lies. It's also easy to feel guilty and ashamed, and not want to to show everyone how down you are even though your actions are screaming them over your head anyway.

I was hesitant about taking our vacation because I needed to get school done by such and such date. Now that I've taken vacation there's no way I can finish in the time frame I had set up for myself. So I failed again, lengthening my end date from 5 years to 6 years now. This has been the biggest stressor in my life. I want to graduate before my veteran nurse grandmother dies. I want her to be proud of me and she tells me she is, but I feel like my degree will be proof. I don't feel like the last 4.5 years of school count until I get that degree. I feel like I disappoint her. She is, after all, 101 years old and I feel the pressure every day that I won't make it before she passes. She's the only one I still feel like I have to prove myself to. It kills me that I'm "unconventional" (better word for loser) in that I'm taking so long to complete my degree. My plan was to finish in 4 years and so because this plan has expired I feel like a loser. There are those expectations again. I haven't been able to tell myself to just enjoy my life. I can't take my career, money, or anything that I gain from those to the grave, so I need to be happy while I do this. This philosophy clashes with the philosophies of some people I truly admire and want to impress so it's hard to stand my ground and feel good about my decisions. But I own them, and am doing my best to feel good about them, and good about all the decisions in my whole life.

The only thing giving me hope is the support of my wonderful husband, along with the support of a few very close friends. I'm so grateful that they don't judge me, and if they do, that they support me anyway with open arms. I never have to be afraid with Andrew to tell him I've failed. He always lets me know it's not a failure, but a different way of doing it. There's no one correct way to live a life and I'm learning that.

Meals
Beef stroganoff (l/o)
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

2 mini pizza's
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water

1 1/2 cups whole wheat elbow macaroni (Hard Rock Cafe copycat recipe of Twisted Mac n Cheese)
1/4 cup mixed reduced fat cheeses (cheddar, Monterrey jack)
2 tbsp whole milk
2 tbsp 4 cheese Alfredo sauce
2 tbsp roasted red peppers
1 1/2 oz chicken thigh
3 croutons
1 tsp Parmesan cheese
1 cup torn raw spinach
1 tbsp pear and blue cheese vinaigrette
2 tbsp raisins
1 tbsp walnut pieces
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I didn't schedule time to exercise and subsequently ran out of time. Ugh.