Day 28--Week 4--Month 1

Monthly Measurements:

Weight: 344.2 lbs---334.8---no change---total -9.4 pounds lost---current goal 185 lbs.
Body: 52-54-68---51-52-67---lost 1 inch from chest, 2 inches from waist, 1 inch from hips
Arm: 19 in---18.5---lost .5 inch
Thigh: 35.5 in---34.5---lost 1 inch
Calf: 20.5 in---21.5---gained 1 inch

Top size: 4X---4X---same
Bottom size: 5X---5X---same
Ring size: 8---8---same

BMI: 55.5---54---current goal 29.9
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

As far as the overall picture goes, I'm happy with the losses. But here's a summary of the last 4 weeks:
Weeks 1-3: excellent progress, motivated, on track, seeing and feeling results.
Week 4: "Fell off the wagon" so to speak. I started to get comfortable thinking that I could take a day or two off and having it not impact me so greatly. The problem is even though I didn't gain any weight this week, I didn't lose anything either. I worked out very hard on Monday and Tuesday and I have nothing to show for it. I suppose not working out Wednesday through Sunday and not having a weight loss is something to show for it.

Also, my week 4 was bad eating wise. I allowed myself dessert. While not bad as an occasional treat, I bought a dessert that would keep giving. It was a 6 pack of angel food bundt cakes. I bought a large container of 95% fat free Cool Whip to go with it, and cut up strawberries. I ended up eating it all in a matter of a couple of days.

This week I haven't been keeping track of my food either, really. To highlight, I haven't been drinking lots of water, I haven't been to the grocery store for a real shopping trip for fruits and vegetables, I've allowed myself lots of crumpets with margarine and honey, and I've had some dinner choices that haven't been optimal such as battered fish and tater tots. The fish and tots weren't even kept at a minimum; I ate 4 fish pieces and 16 tots, with 2 tbsp of tartar sauce and about 3 tbsp of ketchup...3 cupcakes at one sitting, etc.

So this is a snag in my progress. I thought with all my heart, doing something like this blog would inspire me to not fall into my old ways. The funny thing was, was this was always on my mind. Okay, I have to do something better so that I can post something great. I suppose because I'm literally changing my entire life that I've learned and lived for 29 years, it's bound to be difficult sometimes. Many people have told me to not be so hard on myself. It's hard not to be when all your life, your parents pushed you to be the best. Then there's something like being obese that is not the best, and you have to fix it. So you go out to fix it and you make one little mistake, and the world falls apart. I don't have an excuse for the last 5 days without exercise. I don't claim it to be balance because I believe I just wasn't trying. Balance should be exercising most days of the week and taking a day off when I'm physically too tired, or if I've actually tried. Balance to me forgives mistakes as long as you're willing to get back up and try again.

In my daily life of morning TV watching, that I feel like I'm addicted to doing, I watch my usual shows like currently The Bachelorette and Big Brother, and I like to watch health shows--any obesity related program like the Biggest Loser, or TLC, Slice, or A&E shows about weight, surgeries, addictions, anything medical or psychological. I'm drawn to how the human body and mind work. I guess that fits in with my career of choice, being a nurse. Anyway this morning I watched a show called The 650 lb. Virgin. He's now at a stable 220 lbs, after going through tremendous weight loss and cosmetic surgeries for his extra skin. I can't help but be inspired by all these kinds of shows because you see them when they start out, and forgive me, but like him at 650 lbs, was worse off than me, yet they did it. You see their successes and it's just very inspiring. What the hour long shows don't show is the struggles that go along with it. Now I don't doubt that one day, many people said enough was enough, and did it all perfectly and never got down. But I can't believe that not most of us on this journey to lose this excess weight have failed at first, but gotten back up and tried again, and they did this until their lives were changed, and the bar at which they measured their success was achieved.

In my head, I'm terribly disappointed in myself for the past 5 days. I'm upset that I'm not writing the story of perfection. I hate being flawed. I guess this is what I'm supposed to learn though; that nobody is perfect and the most important thing to do is not having done it perfectly, but never giving up. There's no will power in this really. It's about making healthy choices and putting in a little work. To me, that's not will power. I haven't once white knuckled avoiding anything. Sure I've wanted something, like cookies and not taken them, but I was making a conscious decision to do something that would benefit me, and I chose another treat instead (fruit). I told myself if I really wanted it later, I would have it. I was trying to talk myself into making a good choice most of the time. This week, I stopped talking to myself. I got lazy. I allowed myself to stop trying. I didn't work at what I wanted. I think work is always rewarded. At the end of this work, I'll have a healthy body. That's the best gift I could give to myself and my family.

So here's to another shot at working and trying--putting everything in order. The very fact that it only took me 5 days to come back proves to myself that I'm worth it. The yo-yo dieter, as I am/was, would wait another 6 months or so to do what I did in 5 days. I suppose all the help you can get or give to yourself won't do a thing unless you have the fire inside--the determination to succeed. My success is measured concretely by the stats I'm taking and abstractly by how well I'm living my life. Today, my monthly stats are proof I'm capable of making a change. Time to persevere, putting the bad days behind, learning from those lessons, and moving forward with greatness.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 buttermilk crumpet
1 tsp Becel margarine
1/2 tsp honey
1 cup of milk

2 buttermilk crumpets
2 tsp Becel margarine
1 tsp honey
1 apple
2 cups of water

1 whole grain sub bun
2 cups of spinach, tomato, pickles
2 slices ham
1 slice Swiss cheese
2 tbsp Olive Oil Tuscan Italian dressing
2 cups of salsa salad in a bag (1/4 packet of dressing=approx. 2 tbsp sour cream salsa)
2 cups of water

1 angel food mini bundt cake
1/2 cup Cool Whip
2 cups of water

Exercise
35 minutes interval hill treadmill
35 minutes upper body machines and free weights
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm soooooo happy to have had a great day. Everything food wise, and exercise wise was excellent.