Day 36

Monday I came home from a morning workout and a visit with a friend, and eventually fell asleep for 3 hours once I sat down and got food in me. What I called a nap, others poked fun at me telling me that's more than a little nap, and more sleep than some get all night! I thought about this and figured, I have the time, why not do what I want with it? I've spent so much time in school having the 2, 3, 4 hour sleeps for months at a time, I deserve a little R&R.
'But then yesterday I thought about how I'm so stressed in relation to all the time I spend doing on various activities that don't help me--such as spending 1/8 of the day sleeping more than my body needs, among the other aliments of procrastination, perfectionism, time management issues, etc. After all, I'm doing correspondence courses and I don't go to school rather, I go to my basement to study. Time sort of stands still day to day, but week to week it's wasted in the gluttonous belly of the time goblin. I was talking to a friend about this "nap" and came to the conclusion that while losing weight, you need adequate sleep---that inadequate sleep would be too little sleep or too much sleep. Hmmmm.

I have so much stress that leads me to a state of being frozen where I literally cannot do anything. I would say I won't do anything, but my mind tells me I cannot. It's sort of a panic feeling, but more of an I'm losing my mind and the word that fills my head is No. NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo--as if shaking my head back and forth and chanting "no" will fling everything off and make it not be so. Sometimes I'll be in this state for a few minutes until I calm down and have to sleep it off, or a few hours when I'm so exhausted that sleeping it off take a day or so. This is exactly what happened today.

I get so overwhelmed, remember I require organization for my mind to function, that when there is too much information, too much stimuli, too much going on all in disarray, I freeze and this shut down coping mechanism kicks in. I've learned to call on Andrew when this is happening because he helps me get out of my head and back into the real world. He calms me down and tells me not to worry, take one thing at a time, I'll help you. I get relieved that I'm not on my own with all this stuff to do and it's okay that the floor isn't vacuumed when I have to write 5 papers in the next month. It's a reality check when my mind short circuits. My life starts fibrillating and he comes in...I'm clear, you're clear, we're all clear...chu CHUK.

The point to all this is I've had to evaluate my lifestyle in so many ways. Doing all this consistent exercise and eating (okay just better than before and still faaar from perfectly) the way I am, has empowered me to reach beyond one change and look into all the aspects of my life considering what other changes I can make. Thanks to yesterday, I've reflected on my sleeping patterns and now have the resolve to have a bedtime, and to have a wake up time. While I ease in to it so as to not kill myself from shock, I'm going to bed with Andrew and waking up with Andrew. A 10pm-6am sleep schedule would be ideal. I promised myself to always use an alarm clock if I nap as well, unless a illness supersedes the need to care and sleep is prescribed. I think sleeping too much has drained me and has robbed me of being more functional and accomplishing more. It certainly puts a strain on having any time to do anything, hence a little time management issue.

'And somewhere deep within my philosophies on life and living, there is no room for sleeping my life away. I desire to accomplish much. It's a little embarrassing to my ego to realize what I actually live, versus what I desire to live. So here's more change; continue with ordering all these crazy orchids (they keep sprouting up everywhere---I suppose I could have called them weeds, but then it wouldn't be so pretty).

Meals
1/4 broccoli casserole (l/o)
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 bowl peaches and cream oatmeal
1 cup skim milk
1 apple
2 cups of water

3 cups of water
1 banana

1/4 baked chicken salad casserole--3 oz chicken thigh
1/4 cup celery
1 tbsp olives
1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1 tbsp mayo
1/4 cup crushed potato chips
1 medium vine tomato
2 cups of water

1 peanut buster parfait (approx 1 cup of ice cream, 1/4 cup chocolate sauce, 1/4 cup peanuts)

Exercise
61 minutes interval hill treadmill
35 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-We had a coupon for buy one get one free peanut buster parfaits so I couldn't pass that up; it was such a nice night and we sort of used the excuse as a date night, plus I did about 10-15 minutes more cardio so it balanced out!
-Exercise, again, was awesome. I'm beginning to feel comfortable at the level I'm working so I find that I'm pushing myself more and more. I'm determined to one day jog for longer than one minute at a time, but that's not just me. I have to respect my dumb ankle which is still giving me problems and I don't want to further injure it.

Day 35--Week 5

333.8 lbs...down 1 pound for 10.4 total pounds lost--15.2 pounds from my heaviest ever.

I'm going to modify my "total pounds lost". I'm going to change it from the total pounds since starting this lifestyle change, to my total pounds ever since the time I weighed myself at the heaviest was only about a month previous to starting this change. My heaviest was 349 pounds, so my current "total pounds lost" is actually 15.2 total pounds lost. I want to do this so I know where I've come from and how much I've actually done over my life.

I'm certain I didn't lose much this week because of all the ice cream cake. I could lie and say I'm happy because a loss is a loss and 1-2 pounds per week is a healthy rate, but I'm displeased. This should help motivate me to do much better this comming week.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana
3 cups of water

1 hamburger bun
1 hamburger (l/o)
1 hot dog bun
1 hot dog (l/o)
2 cups of water

1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1/2 pita
1/8 cup of hummus
2 cups of water

1 broccoli casserole--2 cups of broccoli
4 oz chicken thigh
1/2 cup cream of chicken soup
2 tbsp mayo
1/6 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
1 piece of whole grain bread
2 cups of water

1X3 piece of dark chocolate almond bark

Exercise
45 minutes of upper body free weights and machines
50 minutes of interval hill treadmill
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Good food--great amount of veggies; excellent exercise.

Day 34

I forgot to post...'just woke up--going back to bed.

Meals
1 Fibre One chocolate and oats bar
1 banana
1 cup of skim milk

1 slice of left over pizza
2 cups of water

2 hot dog buns
2 smokies with 2 tbsp BBQ sauce and red onions
2 cups of water

1 3X1 inch piece of dark chocolate almond bark

1 hamburger bun
1 hamburger patty approx 3 oz
ketchup
1 cup spinach
1/2 cup tomatoes and pickles
2 cups of water

1/8 piece of Dairy Queen ice cream cake (l/o) approx 1.5 cups of ice cream
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Ice cream cake is finished. I would have normally split the thing in half, but I only had 3/8 of the cake so I'm a whole piece down from what I would normally have eaten.
-Sabbath day off from exercise.

Day 33

Andrew and I decided after living here for 4 years already, to finally tidy up the backyard so it's usable and not an embarrassment. All we've ever done back there is BBQ, and come back inside; run out to the jacuzzi, soak, and run inside; plant my garden, go out there to water it, and run back inside. We've had a few days we'll take B out there with us and throw a ball around, but he's so big and our weeds are so tall that we always end up taking him to the dog park as our default. Today, we worked.

We have about 20 of those large 2X2.5 concrete slabs that you can put together and make up a little area for a patio or whatever. We ended up moving them around all day; tilling, digging, raking weeds and dirt all over the place. It turns out that B now has a nice little pad to curl up on if he wants--maybe a second place to sunbathe that he so loves to do for hours, and we have a place to walk from the deck stairs. It's far from done as we still have lots of improvements to finish, but it was a huge start and we are very proud of ourselves for taking initiative and actually accomplishing a task on our never-ending to-do list. We were sweating and covered in dirt and whatever else. The jacuzzi was a nice little escape afterwards, and at this point I'm so tired, I don't know how I'm not in bed yet! It was a good day. :)

Not to minimize the stamina and strength of my love, but he was mentioning to me how the work was very difficult and he was slammed. He was requesting to stop. (Sorry honey) I'm only mentioning this because of the impact it had on me. Just a month ago, if you were to ask me to do this same task, I would be fine for an hour, but you could bet that I would start whining, complaining, and start barking orders--not because I'm a hugely mean person, but because when I get tired and fatigued, I get cranky. We worked for 3.5 hours and I was in good spirits the whole time! I'm patting myself on my back right now because I have no doubts in the world that this good attitude (due to having extreme butt loads of energy) is due to my new lifestyle and all the workouts I've been doing. I'm exponentially stronger and I have so much more endurance than I could ever imagine. I was shocked when Andrew wanted to stop, sure that I would be the one to call it quits first. I am amazed at how fast I recovered too because--don't get me wrong--I was getting tired at that point, but we hopped into the jacuzzi within 10 minutes of quits and I was already recovered. This is amazing to me. I don't think I could tell you how far into the 180 I've already done even being so far from my goal. Sorry to gloat, but I was a rock star today!

Meals
3 slices of frozen pizza
2 cups of water

8 cups of water

1 cup of lemonade

1 bite of a slice of l/o pizza
1/2 whole wheat pita
1/8 cup hummus
2 cups of water

1 hot dog bun
1 chicken/turkey/mozzarella/sun dried tomato sausage (Costco brand and totally disgusting)
with ketchup, mustard, relish, and red onion
2 cups of water

1/8 slice of ice cream cake

Exercise
-3.5 hours of digging, raking, bending, pulling, lifting, etc.

Notes:
-I could not pass up the ice cream cake. We hardly ever get it, so I'm taking advantage.
-Although the exercise was not intentional for the sake of exercise, I knew I was going to be doing a lot of yard work today so I opted out of regimented exercise time. I have no regrets. I think if I would have gone to the gym, I would have been so useless doing the amount of work we did today. Plus we never do this so it's not like it was a typical Saturday activity for us and I just missed a gym day or anything.

Day 32

I'm about to take my second comfort bath of the day due to a certain cyclical feminine vexation. I need a happy place. At this point, in this moment, I couldn't exercise if I tried. 'Due for a day off; I'll take mine now.

Meals
1 BBQ beef on a bun (l/o) approx 40z of beef
12 potato chips
1 tbsp sour cream onion dip
2 cups of water

4 no salt top Saltine crackers
1 banana
2 cups of water

1 bacon cheeseburger (Dairy Queen)
1 small fry
5 onion rings
2 cups of water

1/8 piece of ice cream cake (Dairy Queen) approx. 1.5 cups of ice cream
2 cups of water

Exercise
None--day off

Notes:
-We decided to go out for dinner but didn't want to spend a whole lot of money. Dairy Queen seemed like a yummy idea. Ice cream after all this heat seemed like a better idea! ;) I'm definitely an emotional eater. I've been having cramps all day and feeling really...just ughhhhh. Dairy Queen was my guilty pleasure.
-No exercise today. I thought I'd take a day off, considering I would cry if any more muscles hurt. No qualms with that decision!

Day 31

I was just reading back to my results page on Day 28--to comment about my calf increase. I've always had man legs below the knee. Dad always told me I had his calves, and unfortunately, his skin. He had that red, bumpy, chicken skin. No matter what I do--moisturize, sunblock, drink lots of water, etc., I just can't get rid of it. I wish I had smooth, silky, skin, but I'm doomed to live with this bumpy stuff forever. Ah, genetics.

And speaking of genetics, it freaks me out that my mom had colon cancer at such a young age. The general guideline to begin cancer screening is 50 years old UNLESS you have a family history. Then, you are supposed to start screening 10 years before your immediate relative was diagnosed. I don't remember very clearly, but mom died at 45 years old, and I believe she was diagnosed stage 4, three years previous to that, but she was having bowel issues and problems about 2-3 years before that (when the doctors dismissed her and told her to change her lifestyle, that it was all stress). So that would make her approx 39-40 years old, I believe, when she had symptoms. So, as paranoid as I am, I told the doctors I thought mom was diagnosed at 37, so I pushed to get a colonoscopy at 27 (two years ago). Everything was clear. I want to get one every 2 years and there's about a 6 month wait for screen tests, so I am going to go to the doctor for my 6 month referral this coming month.

To talk about colonoscopies--they are not as bad as they seem. The worst part was not being bare assed in front of about 2 nurses and a doctor. The worst part was the laxative you are required to take beforehand to completely clean your bowel, and the diarrhea that ensues. First off, the laxative I took last time was disgusting tasting. It was very difficult to get down. Then everything is timed by how long you have to do this, how much you have to drink, when exactly you have to stop eating, when you can and can't eat, etc. It's a process that lasts 24 hours and it's not very pleasant. The procedure itself was actually very nice! They give you a medication to induce a twilight and perhaps amnesia--I can't remember (haha)--so you're awake and can respond to questions, but nothing hurts, you're kind of out of it, there's no embarrassment because you don't really care, and afterwards, you don't really remember every detail. I remember being wheeled into the procedure room, meeting the nurses and doctor, seeing the screen, laying on my side having my gown lifted up, nothing, and then I was in recovery and I couldn't sleep. The nurses came in and told me to relax, just sleep a bit, but I couldn't. I was very curious still with everything going on as I was in the middle of my schooling and I wanted to absorb everything. I was really out of it, and remember bits and pieces of the day, but what I mostly remember was it was a very mundane thing to have to go through, as far as procedures go. So if you're over 50 or you have a familial history of colon cancer, please get checked! It's really no big deal at all! I also don't believe it's embarrassing to take charge of your health. Sure something will be venturing up your rear end, but those doctors and nurses are professionals, do it every day so it's nothing to them. They're desensitized to the embarrassment of butt cheek. Don't worry. Take charge of your health!

Meals
1 whole grain bun
2 slices deli meat (one ham, one chicken)
1 slice of swiss cheese
1/2 cup of spinach
1/2 cup tomato and pickle
1 tbsp olive oil Tuscan Italian Dressing
2 cups of water

1/2 cup of strawberries
2 cups of water

1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

3 cups of water

1 multi grain bun
4 oz pulled beef with approx 1/5 bottle of BBQ sauce
2 cups of roast vegetables (l/o)
2 cups of water

Exercise
45 minutes of interval hill treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-The diet* was decent today. The BBQ pulled beef sandwich for dinner was delicious! I made it without a recipe--trial and error--since I've never made it before, just concerned with in tasting good. Next time I'll cut the BBQ sauce in half because it really didn't need it all. It was really good though!
-Wow, how my muscles hurt! This week I've increased many of my weights, and I can really feel it in my legs. Even with all the stretching, although I no longer feeling like jello, I'm stiff. Throughout my whole workout, I felt the muscle fatigue, even after resting the 48 hours. It was difficult to get a good stretch at first, but by the end I could tell my muscles loosened up. I'll just have to make sure to take it easy tomorrow after 4 huge workout days. Maybe just an hour of cardio or something, depending on how I feel.

*I use diet in the traditional meaning of the word. I take pride in not cheapening my new lifestyle by calling it a "diet" as I plan this to be my life, not some temporary "fix".
diet /di·et/ (di´it) the customary amount and kind of food and drink taken by a person from day to day. (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/diet)

Day 30

My legs are still jello. Thank goodness this afternoon's workout consisted of only upper body and cardio, otherwise I'd be in trouble! It takes about 48 hours of rest between working your muscles so they have adequate time to recover and repair before putting them to hard work again. Based on this principle, my workouts have consisted of daily cardio, and then alternating days of upper body, and lower body workouts. Some days I don't feel muscle fatigue as much as others. These days that I do, it's because I've increased the weight I'm lifting, pulling, pushing, because my muscles were used to the lower weights, so in order to gain that long lean muscle, you need to increase your intensity or duration. For now, I'm increasing the intensity. For body builders, which I have no knowledge of really, they push for intensity--increased weights, lifting, pulling, pushing as much as possible. For long lean muscular tone, rather than bulk, you keep your intensity such that you can still lift, and you go for increased number of reps, or duration.
In a typical workout, I'll say bicep curls for an example exercise, I'll lift 8 pound dumbbells for 15 reps, 10 pounds for 12 reps, and 12 pounds for 10 reps. So I'm increasing my weights for each set, but decreasing the amount I'm able to do. At the last set, I should be fatigued and barely able to finish all 10 reps. If I can finish all 10 reps easily, I know to increase the weight. I'll continue in this fashion until I see a good musculature tone, then I will likely change it to about 2 sets of 8-12 reps each, for the same amount of weight. This will just keep me toned at the set curve I like--so far away from achieving that though! It's difficult to watch myself in the mirror, lifting. I see my muscles contract under all that flabby fat. My arms and belly mainly are starting to feel very flabby now. I've lost 10 pounds and I don't doubt that's all fat loss because I'm eating properly for the most part (i.e. not starving myself) and I'm exercising, and it's been well over the first week (where there's typically dramatic weight loss for dieters, unfortunately it's mostly water weight).

I know I'm doomed to have flabby skin after more weight loss and by the time I'm done. I've already come to terms with myself that cosmetic surgery may be an option that I feel I'll want to proceed with entertaining. I'm 29 years old so I'm getting older and my skin isn't as elastic as it once was, and I've been this weight for about 7 years now. I must have a 7 year itch attitude; first smoking and quitting, now being super obese and quitting. I suppose my marriage has about 1.5 years left! Just kidding, honey. :)

I do want children though and I haven't put a definite cap on the number. If I did do cosmetic surgery, if my skin wasn't impeding on my life, I'll wait until I've had all my children. Then I'll at least get my 40's as my best years. Sigh, away with my 20's already, I'll be pregnant through my 30's, so maybe my 40's I'll get to be smokin' hot. I hope Andrew like the cougar look. lol Sorry, okay, cute hockey mom. I can live with that. I suppose it's premature to be thinking about cosmetic surgery so soon, but it's a thought regardless, so I thought I'd share.

Fun point of interest for today: I finally updated my iPhone to 3.0 and it's so cool. Notepad finally has a copy, cut, and paste option which will come in very handy when making grocery lists and all my other types of lists. There's also picture messaging which we didn't have before and that is awesome! (No, I don't jail brake my iPhone. I'm too scared it will be broken forever despite my computer genius husband's attempts at conning me otherwise.)

Meals
1 sub sandwich (l/o)
2 tbsp sour cream onion soup mix dip
12 potato chips
2 cups of water

1 bowl of peaches and cream instant oatmeal
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana

3 cups of water

6 0z roast beef (l/o)
2 cups of roasted vegetables (l/o)
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

Exercise
41 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes upper body workout
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Like the food? It's nearly identical to yesterday. Way to eat those left overs!
-Okay, so I wanted over 50 minutes of cardio but I have a real excuse and I was only 9 minutes shy. A rain storm tore through the city late in the afternoon just as I needed to start getting ready for the gym and I heard this dripping from the utility closet. I went in there and sure enough, a few itty bitty drops were coming down the vent. So I had to call a roofer (who hasn't returned my call yet which annoys me) and get a bucket to collect what turned out to be a huge tablespoon full of rain water. It was an emergency priority so that's alright, plus 41 minutes minus warm up of hill climbing sweat is pretty good too.

Day 29

I'm feeling great today and I'm sure it's thanks to my great day yesterday. I did have a pretty bad sleep, however. Last night I tried falling asleep and my shoulders just kept hurting (from the workout) and I had restless arms syndrome (haha). So I went to the couch and tried to get comfy eventually falling asleep sometime there soon after. I woke up after having a horrible dream. I've been watching the Bachelorette, and Jill's now down to the last two bachelors, who I as a viewer, definitely approve of. ;) Anyway, I was thinking about how Reid was sent home and you could tell how much he loved her, but he was a little awkward, to me--maybe too shy, unable to express emotions, whatever. So I was thinking about him and how sad it was that she's become so attached to these men, and she's got to throw all of them away but one. Yes, I need a little drama and escapism in my life, so this is where The Bachelorette and Grey's Anatomy fit perfectly. So I went to bed after having watched this. Well my dream went like this:
Andrew and I both decided to go on the Bachelor/Bachelorette simultaneously for some reason, even though we were married like real, and loved each other, etc. Anyway, it's nearing the end of this experience, and Andrew had to decide who to pick. All of a sudden I was one of the women he had to choose from, and this was his show--the Bachelor. So it's between me and Jill, of course. Hello, Jill is beautiful and fun, spontaneous, and I have no chance against her except that I'm already married to Andrew and he is supposed to love me. Well on our 'date' he tells me that he's falling hard for Jill and he has to choose between us. He said even though we were married, I had to prove to him how much I could make him happy, or he was going to Jill. Are you kidding me? Some other bad feeling stuff happened that I can't remember, and then I woke up with this horrible feeling. My Andrew doesn't love me anymore and I pushed him away! Ugh. Of course reality is much more kind. It was upsetting that he was at work already, had taken B to day care already, and I was alone with these thoughts. I started cleaning to get my mind off of it, then had to text him with love notes. lol I'm a suck for my Andrew!

So I got dishes done, which made me feel productive. Two camping bins are still in the living room. sigh At least I did something today. I let myself procrastinate so much that I am always playing catch up with nearly everything in my life. While I was going to classes, I had everything done, neat, perfect, but I was an emotional mess. Now that I'm going through correspondence courses and it's up to me to make deadlines, my life has been going in slow motion, but I'm content most of the time. I need a swift punch in the jeans to get thing done! Now that there's no real pressure from the outside, it's so easy to just be very care free. See I'm blogging about my fattness, and while important, it's only like #3 on my priority list. I still have #2--school to get working on, and #1--my immigration stuff to complete. What a mess! I dream of a day where my #1 is do whatever makes you happy today (included in this are caring for a future child and having fun with my husband--that would make me happy if those were my only worries). I think maybe I'll revise my plan of action, post it here, and make it more concrete so there's incentive to actually do it. Although I'm acting care free right now, I feel unfulfilled. I need my degree and the education that comes with it to feel more complete--more accomplished. Then all I need are a few babies, and with all that I already have, I'm set. I really love my life. I love and absolutely adore my husband. I'm so blessed. 'Just have to master this procrastination thing, and I think then the world will spontaneously morph into chocolate and all will be good.

Meals
1 sub (l/o), made the same as yesterday
2 tbsp onion soup dip
12 potato chips
2 cups of water

1 bowl of peaches and cream oatmeal
1 cup of milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

1/2 cup of strawberries
1 cup of water

6 oz. roast with garlic
2 cups of mixed roast vegetables (potatoes, carrots, onions, celery)
2 cups of water

1 square of Lindt dark chocolate chili
2 cups of water

Exercise
42 minutes interval hill treadmill
30 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I was very cognisant of my food intake today. After dinner I felt like I wanted sugar because of my previous angel food cake addiction, and there was almost nothing in the house. Thank goodness I've been hiding away my Lindt bar. I think it's taken me 3 months to eat that thing (and it's still good!). So I got a guilty pleasure, but I stopped there. That was very satisfying!
-Exercise was great again today. I've been getting to the gym about 15 minutes later than planned the last two days, so I'm going to try to get there early tomorrow to fit in over 50 minutes of cardio. See in the evenings, I meet a friend after she gets off work, and then I like to come home in time to meet Andrew. I have to make it earlier in order to fit in everything I want so I'll try harder tomorrow. I also tried a different machine today because someone was using the machine that I wanted for calf curls. I did a leg extension where you rest your chest on a bench and hold handles, and you push and extend your leg, one at a time, back. I tell you after that, going upstairs to the other machines was scary! My legs were like jello and they're still a bit wobbly tonight! Funny how you get in to a routine, working many muscles, but then you work just one more, or a different way, and you really notice it! Good times.

Day 28--Week 4--Month 1

Monthly Measurements:

Weight: 344.2 lbs---334.8---no change---total -9.4 pounds lost---current goal 185 lbs.
Body: 52-54-68---51-52-67---lost 1 inch from chest, 2 inches from waist, 1 inch from hips
Arm: 19 in---18.5---lost .5 inch
Thigh: 35.5 in---34.5---lost 1 inch
Calf: 20.5 in---21.5---gained 1 inch

Top size: 4X---4X---same
Bottom size: 5X---5X---same
Ring size: 8---8---same

BMI: 55.5---54---current goal 29.9
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

As far as the overall picture goes, I'm happy with the losses. But here's a summary of the last 4 weeks:
Weeks 1-3: excellent progress, motivated, on track, seeing and feeling results.
Week 4: "Fell off the wagon" so to speak. I started to get comfortable thinking that I could take a day or two off and having it not impact me so greatly. The problem is even though I didn't gain any weight this week, I didn't lose anything either. I worked out very hard on Monday and Tuesday and I have nothing to show for it. I suppose not working out Wednesday through Sunday and not having a weight loss is something to show for it.

Also, my week 4 was bad eating wise. I allowed myself dessert. While not bad as an occasional treat, I bought a dessert that would keep giving. It was a 6 pack of angel food bundt cakes. I bought a large container of 95% fat free Cool Whip to go with it, and cut up strawberries. I ended up eating it all in a matter of a couple of days.

This week I haven't been keeping track of my food either, really. To highlight, I haven't been drinking lots of water, I haven't been to the grocery store for a real shopping trip for fruits and vegetables, I've allowed myself lots of crumpets with margarine and honey, and I've had some dinner choices that haven't been optimal such as battered fish and tater tots. The fish and tots weren't even kept at a minimum; I ate 4 fish pieces and 16 tots, with 2 tbsp of tartar sauce and about 3 tbsp of ketchup...3 cupcakes at one sitting, etc.

So this is a snag in my progress. I thought with all my heart, doing something like this blog would inspire me to not fall into my old ways. The funny thing was, was this was always on my mind. Okay, I have to do something better so that I can post something great. I suppose because I'm literally changing my entire life that I've learned and lived for 29 years, it's bound to be difficult sometimes. Many people have told me to not be so hard on myself. It's hard not to be when all your life, your parents pushed you to be the best. Then there's something like being obese that is not the best, and you have to fix it. So you go out to fix it and you make one little mistake, and the world falls apart. I don't have an excuse for the last 5 days without exercise. I don't claim it to be balance because I believe I just wasn't trying. Balance should be exercising most days of the week and taking a day off when I'm physically too tired, or if I've actually tried. Balance to me forgives mistakes as long as you're willing to get back up and try again.

In my daily life of morning TV watching, that I feel like I'm addicted to doing, I watch my usual shows like currently The Bachelorette and Big Brother, and I like to watch health shows--any obesity related program like the Biggest Loser, or TLC, Slice, or A&E shows about weight, surgeries, addictions, anything medical or psychological. I'm drawn to how the human body and mind work. I guess that fits in with my career of choice, being a nurse. Anyway this morning I watched a show called The 650 lb. Virgin. He's now at a stable 220 lbs, after going through tremendous weight loss and cosmetic surgeries for his extra skin. I can't help but be inspired by all these kinds of shows because you see them when they start out, and forgive me, but like him at 650 lbs, was worse off than me, yet they did it. You see their successes and it's just very inspiring. What the hour long shows don't show is the struggles that go along with it. Now I don't doubt that one day, many people said enough was enough, and did it all perfectly and never got down. But I can't believe that not most of us on this journey to lose this excess weight have failed at first, but gotten back up and tried again, and they did this until their lives were changed, and the bar at which they measured their success was achieved.

In my head, I'm terribly disappointed in myself for the past 5 days. I'm upset that I'm not writing the story of perfection. I hate being flawed. I guess this is what I'm supposed to learn though; that nobody is perfect and the most important thing to do is not having done it perfectly, but never giving up. There's no will power in this really. It's about making healthy choices and putting in a little work. To me, that's not will power. I haven't once white knuckled avoiding anything. Sure I've wanted something, like cookies and not taken them, but I was making a conscious decision to do something that would benefit me, and I chose another treat instead (fruit). I told myself if I really wanted it later, I would have it. I was trying to talk myself into making a good choice most of the time. This week, I stopped talking to myself. I got lazy. I allowed myself to stop trying. I didn't work at what I wanted. I think work is always rewarded. At the end of this work, I'll have a healthy body. That's the best gift I could give to myself and my family.

So here's to another shot at working and trying--putting everything in order. The very fact that it only took me 5 days to come back proves to myself that I'm worth it. The yo-yo dieter, as I am/was, would wait another 6 months or so to do what I did in 5 days. I suppose all the help you can get or give to yourself won't do a thing unless you have the fire inside--the determination to succeed. My success is measured concretely by the stats I'm taking and abstractly by how well I'm living my life. Today, my monthly stats are proof I'm capable of making a change. Time to persevere, putting the bad days behind, learning from those lessons, and moving forward with greatness.

Meals
1 bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios
1 buttermilk crumpet
1 tsp Becel margarine
1/2 tsp honey
1 cup of milk

2 buttermilk crumpets
2 tsp Becel margarine
1 tsp honey
1 apple
2 cups of water

1 whole grain sub bun
2 cups of spinach, tomato, pickles
2 slices ham
1 slice Swiss cheese
2 tbsp Olive Oil Tuscan Italian dressing
2 cups of salsa salad in a bag (1/4 packet of dressing=approx. 2 tbsp sour cream salsa)
2 cups of water

1 angel food mini bundt cake
1/2 cup Cool Whip
2 cups of water

Exercise
35 minutes interval hill treadmill
35 minutes upper body machines and free weights
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm soooooo happy to have had a great day. Everything food wise, and exercise wise was excellent.

Day 27

Just thought I'd post a pretty picture of orchids. They're my favourite flowers.
http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/black-and-white-orchid-larry-federman.jpg

Day 26

Mommy and B relaxing after a long day.

Day 25

Since I didn't post for today, I thought I'd plug a few of my favourite people's websites:

Erin's Cakes: http://ecakes.blogspot.com/

Jill's Custom Wall Art: http://jillscustomwallart.com/


June's Designs Online: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=85003414217

Day 24

Confessions:

I've been feeling disenchanted for a couple days now. I made the mistake to weigh myself and unofficially count it, every morning. The first 3 weeks were so motivating because I would be less and less everyday. I was also working out and eating right, nearly every day. This week on Tuesday, I weighed myself and it was more than Monday. My sensitive emotions got the better of me and I began to sabotage myself.

Andrew and the old me went out to dinner last night at Montana's. We had a cheese, fatty appetizer with fried goodies for dipping. Then we had the largest order of ribs with garlic mashed potatoes--I skipped the extra cheese, sour cream, and bacon bits that I usually get. Then dessert came, and I instinctively ordered the Mile High Mud Pie. We ate until there was only one bite left. We both passed on the one bite left (how noble). During dinner Andrew told me that he's been reading my blog. He said in reading it, he's noticed recently a lot of "I knew I shouldn't, but I did['s]" type of terminology.

I know I've been playing this game for a few days now. I talk about gaining the balance in my life. What I'm missing is that in balance, I can be okay with the occasional sugar high, or artery clogging piece of deliciousness. What I can't be okay with is doing a little bit everyday. In doing this, all I'm doing is saying it's okay to still live my old lifestyle, just to a lesser degree. I'm trying to completely change. I'm trying to make healthy my priority instead of the exception.

After stepping on the scale and seeing an increase, my motivation didn't just slip out the door, it ran out, screaming bloody murder. I immediately felt defeated. Those all or nothing thoughts, those perfectionist goals started laughing in my face. Failure, failure, failure.
In my head, I know I'm doing better--if we were to graph this process you'd see an overall incline. But these last couple of days, I'd say lets just cut our losses, and shred that f-ing graph because who cares if we play this childish game or not--I'm going to be fat forever no matter what I do. Motivating, hey?

It was an eye opener when Andrew called me out at dinner. I immediately thought to justify it, but almost as immediately minus a second, I thought wait a minute, you do suck right now. Right away I thought about the 1/3 bag of chips during Michael Jackson's memorial. I thought about my food diary, and how I'm not really talking about vegetables and fruits anymore. I remembered what my house looks like, my cupboards, my fridge. It's total chaos. I haven't even put away our camping stuff since we came home from the weekend. There's so much dog hair on the floor, I could send it away to a wig charity. The cupboards are messy, the fridge is empty. So I'm eating whatever's left and it happens to be coming from a box or a bag.

So what do I do with all of this? I'm writing but I'm still feeling down. I realize that body weight fluctuates. Here's a new rule: no more weighing yourself daily. What about food? Dang it. This is my biggest struggle ever! I can quit smoking after 7 years along with all my other vices--what the heck is the problem here?

Okay, maybe food addiction. That seems plausible, but if I were addicted to food, then I think I'd be shovelling it into my mouth all day long which is not the case. I'm okay to go a few hours without and I don't necessarily crave the stuff unless my blood sugar is low, but then that's a normal physiological response. So what is it? I think it's my thinking. I think I'm too hard on myself all the time, in every aspect of my life so if I see a slip or a mistake, I'm just going to keep doing it and sabotaging myself because I don't accept anything less and this is my non caring attitude. What's stupid about that attitude is that in the act of sabotaging myself, that's the least that it can go. That's worst than slipping up once in awhile. But in my head that's acceptable. What gives me the right to fail on purpose?

I need to be healthy. I need to be able to carry a baby to full term and not have my body reject it or put us into unnecessary hardship. I need to outlive my parents' deceased ages so that I actually live to see grandchildren, and not put my children though emotional unease too early in their lives. I need to live with my husband to see our 50th wedding anniversary. I need to free myself of the social pain my body demands.

I guess it comes back to loving yourself. It's difficult to do when you see yourself fail. You start to doubt, resent, and hate yourself. You can't make good choices and have the want if you hate the reason why you're doing it. It could be just my monthly emotions getting the best of me. I hate feeling like this. I'm in a funk that I can't see a way out of. I start trying positive talk and it makes me repel even more. I'm such a rebel!

I have a mantra that's never failed: fake it 'til you make it. I started this in counselling when I discovered that stress was making me impossible to live with. I was rebelling the therapist's advice to try these things that would help me speak softer. Because I didn't want to do them because I was being a child, I faked it. Maybe there was a smidgen of mockery to it in the beginning, but I faked it more. I just wasn't feeling it. Finally, after a while, it would get easier to do it. The fake became real. I've learned how to incorporate that into many struggles that I have that require some sort of change. Now, I suppose, I should fake it the most to get myself back into feeling that I Am Healthy, because I sure as heck don't feel it. Quit being so hard on yourself. I know. I know. I know. Knowing is not doing. Okay, so I'll be fake for awhile--fake feeling good about myself until I do. Just writing this has helped a bit so hopefully it won't be too far off. I do have a psychotic devil on one shoulder, and a lethargic angel on the other. Wake up!

Meals
6 saltine crackers
1 piece of Swiss cheese
3 graham crackers
1 tbsp Becel margarine
5 All Dressed chips (I'm throwing the rest out today because I'm sick of this)
1 mini pizza
2 cups of water

2 mini pizzas
1 cup of watermelon
2 cups of water

1/2 spinach dip appetizer (approx 3/4 cup) all cheesy, hardly any spinach
1/2 fried pita chips (approx 10)
1/3 rack of back ribs, extra apple butter sauce
1/4 cup of garlic mashed potatoes
1 piece of cornbread
2 cups of water

1/2 piece of Mile High Mud Pie (if I could guess, I think the entire thing had 1000 calories)
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I think I've explained everything there is to explain. I overate today. I was old me today. I didn't care today at all. But I wrote this and now I feel better, and hopefully there will be a reevaluation going through my little head and my wimpy little heart.
-My friend had a concert to go to tonight so I decided, thank goodness, I'm not going to the gym either. Stupid.

Day 23

Andrew was reinstalling windows or something like that, so the computer was unavailable on Wednesday. I was too tired to go to the basement and struggle with the slowest computer on earth at 23:30, so I decided to skip my post and make it up.

Meals
2 burritos (l/o)
2 cups of water

3 graham crackers
1 tbsp of Becel margarine
2 cups of water

2 burritos (l/0)
2 cups of water

3 graham crackers
2 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes: sigh

Day 22

This morning I got sucked into watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I can't say that I'm a fan per se, but I do remember being little and seeing my brothers wear leather jackets with cut off arms, adorned with zippers galore, and myself trying to imitate the moon walk--as well as liking a few of his songs, and like it or not, knowing many of his songs.
I thought the memorial was everything an event to remember a passed loved one should be. So striking to me, the Rev. Al Sharpton's talk moved me to tears, as well as Brooke Sheilds' beautiful take on friendship, and the precious words of little Paris. He was an icon--truly the greatest entertainer of all time, therefore a momentous occasion, his untimely passing. I'm humbled at how much one person can touch so many lives. To his fans, he will be missed. To me, it was a moment in history that spoke to me about love and compassion for human nature that I won't soon forget.

Whilst all attention on the TV, I managed to gobble down about 1/3 of a bag of chips. Whatever the heck they were doing in my hands in the first place is absolutely my fault. I should have put a few on a plate and left it at that. Thank goodness, I'm getting in the habit of trying to not eat in front of the TV.

Meals
6 inch sweet onion Teriyaki chicken Subway sandwich (l/o)
approx 1/3 bag of All Dressed chips
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

2 burritos--approx 1/2 cup refried beans
3 oz ground beef
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1/3 cup shredded cheese
1 cup of spinach and tomatoes
2 cups of water

3 graham crackers
1 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

Exercise
50 minutes walking on the treadmill
40 minutes lower body machines
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I've mentioned the chips. That was a huge bad on my part. I'm going to clean out the cupboards and go grocery shopping tomorrow, to get these chips out of my house once and for good.
-As for exercise, I can't say that I was too in to it today. I spent all day watching TV which made me feel lazy. I was lethargic at best as I walked in to the gym, and so my treadmill time was just walking. I didn't push myself at all. I suppose some exercise is good, and maybe you don't always have to push yourself; but if I'm committed to doing 50 minutes, I should make it worth my while! I suppose it was still so much better than nothing. 'And I guess it's about commitment and consistency that make this lifestyle change really work. I'm glad I went and didn't flake out like I wanted to today and yesterday. I need to get better sleep. The wear of this weekend has put me off a bit!

Day 21--Week 3

334.8 lbs...down 3 pounds for 9.4 total pounds lost.


As promised, here are my before shots. Although I've already lost 9.4 pounds and a grand total of 14.2 pounds since my heaviest weight ever, you can't really tell the weight loss yet so I think they'll be representative of the whole process. I've blurred my face until I'm at my goal, hopefully as a means to decrease the chance that they're found and they're used as the latest ugly fat girl spam.

Meals
4 slices of pizza
a few shakes of Parmesan cheese
1 tbsp garlic dipping sauce
2 cups of water

1/4 9 inch cookie
1 graham cracker
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

6 inch sweet onion Teriyaki chicken Subway sandwich (no cheese) on honey oat
6 inch Buffalo chicken Subway sandwich (no cheese) on honey oat
2 cups lettuce, tomato, pickles, olives
2 lines of BBQ sauce
2 lines of sweet onion Teriyaki sauce
2 cups of water

1 All Bran dark chocolate fibre bar
1 cup of water

Exercise
54 minutes interval hill treadmill (including one-60 second jog! lol---at least I tried)
30 minutes of upper body free weights
20 minutes of stretching

Notes:
-Alright, once again I ate the left over pizza. This time we got smart and ordered mediums, so there is none left this time (rather than days after like last time). I also gobbled down that last bit of cookie. I really should have thrown it out. I didn't even enjoy it so much as just quickly tasted it. I'm not intentionally trying to sabotage myself. I just wasn't thinking. I did eat two 6 inch subs, but that's like eating one 12 inch sub. I started getting full about 3/4 of the way into it, but kept eating because it tasted so good. I was famished from the gym, and was hungry. I guess that's all just a big fat excuse. :P
-I'm feeling really great about exercising! After having 3 days off, it was difficult to go back. I can usually handle a day in between, but after 3 days, my body doesn't want to move. I was seriously considering phoning my friend to cancel our gym time, but knew I'd have that accountability there, as well as here on my blog. Thank goodness I didn't cancel!!! I always feel so great afterward too. I suppose the best advise I can give in that is go to the gym anyway, and promise yourself to workout something manageable--say 10 minutes. After spending the time to go and being there, there's no way you'll only spend 10 minutes. If it's too much, you'll at least get in 20-30 minutes easily. 20-30 minutes is better than NO minutes! So I have to give myself a pat on the back for going. It's these little accomplishments that will push me to continue. I think it was Franklin Covey who talked about it taking 21 days to form a habit. Well, the key is taking that whole 21 days consistently. I'm going to try to not take so many vacation days from the gym and maybe that habit will become second nature.

Day 20

Home! It was a quick weekend, but a fun weekend! I really enjoyed being able to hang out with my husband away from home in a new environment, as well as being able to spend good quality time with my SIL and her extended family. We have a lot of fun together, and even when we're not having all the fun, it's still great just to be around her. I love that girl and I hope she knows it!
I hated driving home, driving the back and forth, narrow roads on the passes that dropped down a cliff. My biggest fear aside from sliding on the gravel and brake failure was getting pushed off the mountain by a speeding truck coming around the bend from the opposite side. It's as if nobody reads speed limits or just thinks it's no big deal. I have deep rooted anxiety about travelling though, so maybe that's just the problem.
I have a bit of OCD when travelling. If I'm not in the drivers' seat, I tend to start obsessing about death. I image if I'm not in control, somebody who is won't see what I see, won't react the way I react, and it will end in disaster. I'm nearly unable to fly now, and I always drive to save my husband from the backseat driving, crying, and flinching every second of the way. I'm constantly kicking the imaginary brake pedal, bracing myself on the dash and the window, or holding my head in my hands, shaking my legs or my head, verbalizing stop stop stop or brake brake brake, or crying. While in the passenger seat, I have racing thought of burning crash scenes, being thrown from the car and thrust over the mountain, or just having a head on collision with another vehicle. I realize these thoughts are irrational, and the fact that my husband has not even so much as a ticket doesn't help the fact that I completely lose it over nothing. I'm seriously considering professional help before our big drive back home as I won't be able to stand the 28 hours driving on my own. We also want to make it to England soon, and there's no way I can be on a plane right now and survive the anxiety.
I know exactly where each of these separate anxieties stem from, I know that they are irrational, yet I find it extremely difficult to talk myself out of the anxiety once it starts. I hate this about myself. I used to feel so carefree. It seems like the older I get, the worse this OCD manifests itself. I can't even believe this happens; it seems so unreal.
Anyway, as always we arrive safe at home in one piece. Hello! We had a relaxing evening of dinner, movie, puppy cuddling, and NO unpacking or stress. Quite a change from a return home.
I wish we could have camped a bit longer, but I'm happy to have my plumbing back, and a warm bed. I'm so grateful for plumbing!!! You don't realize what a blessing it is until you've been in the back country, doing your business in a hole in the ground.

Meals
approx 2.5 cups Dutch oven mountain man breakfast--hasbrown potatoes, eggs, bacon, sausage, cheese, some other stuff I think
2 tbsp salsa
1.5 cup hot cocoa
1.5 cup water
2 cups of water

20 All Dressed chips
approx 7 pieces of beef jerky
1 Snickers with almonds
2 cups of water

4 slices of pizza
1/4 of a 9 inch cookie
591 ml Pepsi

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Yes, judge me. We didn't want to cook after such a long weekend. I suggested the pizza. I took all 4 slices. I scarfed them down. It was delicious. I totally regret having so much. I think this has been my worst meal in 20 days. I feel like I "failed" but I guess we all get a chance to mess up once in a while. Okay, 1 day in 20. Please give me a little leniency. I'll do good for the next 20 days. ;)
-Exercise was not going to happen today. Camping takes the life out of you. Excuse? Yes. It is what it is. Being able to write it down though and reflect gets me pumped for this coming week. I'm still determined. I don't count this as a fail. I remember that I'm trying to balance and that's that. I still am very aware of how much pizza I had, and I totally didn't need the Pepsi (they didn't even have Coke and I'm a Coke girl!) but I had it anyway. It was good. I should be careful not to fall in to the easy, carefree trap. It's easy to fall into that complacency, so watch out next week--there's a lot of making up and planning not to fail to be done.

Day 19

Woke up after a very horrible sleep. I'm in no way an expert camper--quite the opposite. We had a double high queen size mattress, complete with a flannel bottom sheet, flannel top sheet, 3 thin-ish blankets, and thick sleeping bag. I still woke up through the night shivering. I finally got the nerve to open the covers and put on sweats and my hoodie, but I still found myself shivering. I probably got an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep the entire night. Most everyone gave me smirky smiles the next morning as some had even stated they were hot the whole night. Okay, so they were in the trailer, but still. Andrew even slept in a comfortable temperature, only waking every single time I moved. He said this was no bowling ball mattress (you know, the kind you drop a ball on one side and the movement doesn't transfer over). Awe, my poor husband!
So the general consensus was to put a sleeping bag underneath us, over top of the air mattress. Apparently I failed the course when they taught us about air mattresses trapping all the cold air. Suffice it to say last night I slept better than if I were in my own bed, having properly prepared the air mattress this go around, and having enough drag in me to crash for eight uninterrupted hours.
We walked down to the river which was too cold to wade in. There was ladder golf, and an interesting game of Mao, which I have to say left me beet red in my tear stained face. At about the 12th out of 15 rounds, I was having such a hard time keeping up and remembering everything, that words came out all jumbled in gibberish. My thought process to verbal delivery is broken. It was very amusing though. We all had a great laugh. It opened up some getting to know my SIL's BIL and his fiancee who are some very awesome people. It was a great afternoon, and I love that game!!!!
It wouldn't be camping without smores and I kind of pushed for them at the end of the day as we were sitting around the campfire. :) I didn't go crazy and only had one but it was soooo worth it! The night ended with a few fireworks let off down by the river (which was about 25 yards away) and beautiful, sweet sleep.

Meals
2 pieces of Texas toast french toast
2 tsp Becel margarine
approx 2 tbsp buttery syrup
1 cup of milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

Snacks throughout the day consisting of:
3 inch seafood sub (l/o)
1 white chocolate macadamia nut cookie
approx 15 slices of homemade beef jerky
2 pieces of watermelon
a couple handfuls of cherries
a handful of yummy Chex mix
approx 4 cups of water

tin foil dinner--approx 1.5 cup of potatoes
1/2 cup of carrots
1/4 cup of onion
3 oz seasoned hamburger
2 tsp Becel margarine
3X1X1 square of caramel rice crispy treat (and not 4X4X1 which is what I would normally go for)
2 cups of water

smores!--2 graham crackers
3 squares of Hershey milk chocolate candy bar
2 marshmallows
1 cup of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Well I could have prepared my meals out and been very particular about what I ate, but we pooled money in and ate what everyone else had. So I did my best to have what everyone else was eating without going too overboard. I even skipped the cheese sauce again, that most people put on their dinners. It's getting really easy to do, skipping the cheese lately. I did go heavy on the sweets compared to what I would do at home, but I'm very proud of myself for limiting my consumption to one, as in the smores, or a very small piece as in the rice crispy treats. Compared to what I would do on a previous camping trip, I was a saint. Compared to what I've been doing for my changed lifestyle, I had a LOT of sugar. Weighing pros and cons, however, I'm very pleased with the balance I think I achieved.
-Again the exercise was a no go. I felt being out in the wilderness, not having a couch to lounge on all day long, was a step up in the activity department, although as I think back to it, I wasn't very hardcore, determined, or motivated. Having excuses gets really easy when you're not in your element. I feel badly for not having exercised all weekend, now that I'm home. I realize that camping is the exception, but we should have at least gone on a long walk. Our longest walk lasted maybe a half hour and that was just a stroll including walking back and forth picking up the Bocce balls. This would have been a perfect opportunity to try out a workout away from the gym, but I just didn't prepare myself. I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself because this is still new, but then again I want to change and my activity level was pretty sedentary. Sigh.

Day 18

Picked up Andrew from work, met the SIL, BIL, and nephew, and headed out to the Kananaskis area. Set up camp in rain sprinkles. Ready for an awesome weekend...


Meals
6 inch Subway sandwich--seafood on honey oat. Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, olives, pepper, and 2 lines of southwest sauce.
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

approx 2 cups taco salad. Lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper, 3 tbsp salsa, 2 tbsp sour cream, approx 4 oz seasoned ground beef and kidney beans, 12 corn taco chips
2 cups of water

1.5 cups of water
1.5 packets of hot cocoa mix

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Forgot to drink more water. Camping, getting ready for camping, etc. was taxing on keeping a normal diet. I did try to pay attention to what I was eating though. I did opt for the sour cream, but I didn't use cheese. I guess that cancels out. Also, my plate wasn't stacked too high with all the fatty toppings, so I think it was a good compromise.
-Yeah, having to pack in the morning and leaving for over a 3 hour drive, as well as setting up a tent in the rain left no time left for exercise. I should have planned for something, but I didn't.

Day 17

We have been packing to go camping since Andrew came home from work. Both of us are ready to flop on the bed and go unconscious.
I have almost literally have not had a moment to eat since coming home, so unfortunately I had to skip dinner. I could be eating now as I write this, but I don't want to eat at 23:38 and have that give me acid reflux and ruin my sleep as my body's too busy digesting and not resting which is what I NEED!
So I'm not sure how the reception will be out in the wilderness, so if I don't post for a couple of days, I'll make sure to be diligent in my note taking, and post away when I return.
Here's hoping I don't forget that I Am Healthy with the deliciousness of smores over the campfire...

Meals
1 bowl of Raisin and Spice instant oatmeal
1 cup of milk
1 cup of water

3 cups of water

2 cups of taco salad (l/o)
1 jalapeno smokie (l/o) with ketchup, mustard, relish
1 hot dog bun
2 cups of water

Exercise
54 minutes of interval hills on the treadmill
25 minutes of lower body machines
20 minutes of stretching

Notes:
-I should probably try to eat even when I'm busy. This is not good. My body's going to go into starvation mode and there goes all my hard work.
-Awesome exercise! I was not tired as I've been the last 2 times. I think the difference is I didn't wake up, eat, and go work out so my body had time to be awake and ready for a big workout.

Day 16

Happy Canada Day!!!

In the backyard, I set up the volleyball/badminton net that we're going to take camping this weekend--just to go through it to make sure we know what we're doing. There didn't seem to be enough room, as our backyard is not so huge, to get the full effect, but I'm sure it will be fine. I can't wait to go camping!

This Canada Day is sort of synonymous with the U.S. fourth of July except that it's Canada's break from England. Because these days lie in the same week, it's just a big fourth of July celebration that gets started early. I love my new northern home and I know the national anthem by heart (thanks to the countless hockey games I've been accustomed to). I take pride in this country as well as my homeland. It's an awesome week to be patriotic. My roots are back home, and so there's the nostalgia, but my new home is one I hope to call home for the rest of my life. I love this place.

The only thing missing is the blazing heat. I hear there's a heat wave in California. Andrew and I were talking and I told him about the 95 degree midnights I'd lie awake in bed sweating because Dad wouldn't turn on the air conditioner until it got too hot. I miss being able to watch the fireworks light the sky blocks away from the college sitting on our sidewalk, the concrete still warm from the day toasting our little bums. We'd have a Popsicle or a coke for a summer night treat. I loved those late, hot, California nights. On the fourth, there would be stars and stripes everywhere you looked. Tonight just as we lit the BBQ for some summer cooking, it started to sprinkle. Then it started to rain. It doesn't rain on the fourth of July, but I suppose it's not July fourth.

Meals
2.5 cups of taco salad (l/o)
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 cheeseburger approx. 3 oz with lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, and ketchup
1 hamburger bun
1 jalapeno smokie with ketchup, mustard, relish
1 hot dog bun
8 All Dressed chips
2 cups of water

1 cup of water

Exercise
No intentional exercise but I was outside setting up the net and doing yard work for about 3 hours.

Notes:
-I slept in today so breakfast was skipped. This is not a normal day, so I'm okay with that. It was nice having Andrew home in the middle of the week and not having us both have to wake up so early.
-I didn't fit in a trip the gym around all the other stuff we did today and with shortened hours. I can't wait to get back tomorrow. I'll miss the gym this weekend because of camping, but at least we'll be outdoors and there's no couches to just lounge around on so I'm not too too worried about it. :)

Day 15

I'm exhausted. This week I've been getting up to get the gym at 9am instead of going around 4pm and I'm just dragging! I'm not used to 'get up an go' right now and so it's knocking me around. I didn't nap today like I wanted, but maybe I should have. 'And because Andrew's not at work tomorrow, today was like a Friday...another late night. Must zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Meals
1 bowl of Raisin and Spice instant oatmeal
1 cup of milk
1 banana

3 cups of water

2 sub buns
4 oz black forest ham
4 tsp Dijon mustard
2 cups of spinach, pickles, tomato
2 slices Swiss cheese
2 cups of water

2 graham crackers
2 cups of water

2.5 cups of taco salad (ground turkey, kidney beans, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, 2 tbsp Olive oil Italian dressing)
1/2 avocado
17 (1/2 serving) multi-grain tortilla bites
2 cups of water

1/2 cup of water

Exercise
40 minutes interval hill treadmill
7 minutes bicycle
30 minutes upper body machines and free weights
20 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I was SO hungry after the gym, hence my TWO sandwiches for lunch...hehe.
-The bottom of my foot (with the sprained ankle) was giving me problems and I was tired and didn't work to my full potential during my cardio, even though I put in the time. Yes I was sweating buckets, but for the last 10 minutes of the 40, I was just strolling. I decided to try the bike, thinking that it would relieve some of the pain, but it didn't. I had to stop 13 minutes short of my 1 hour target. I think the pain is related to using the different muscles and working this foot that has been babied for over 2 months now. I'm sure it's all going to take time to feel better. It's just kind of odd that I haven't felt this pain until yesterday, and badly today. It could be that I'm wrapping my ankle now instead of wearing the brace so the support has shifted; who knows.

Day 14--Week 2

337.8 lbs...down 2.2 pounds for 6.4 total pounds lost.

Yay me!! Now the experts (current common knowledge) recommend a healthy weight loss of 1-2 pounds per week. All I'm doing is exercising and portion controlling my food. I don't think I could lose less than I am without putting in this effort. I am not taking any commercial weight loss products. The food that I'm eating is bought from a grocery store and I have not consulted with a nutritionist. The information I am using to guide my weight loss has been previously mentioned--going by the recommendations of the Canada Food Guide, as well as knowledge I previously gained through personal research as well as the formal education I've received while earning my Bachelor's degree in Nursing. I do not have a fitness instructor and the exercise I am doing is of my own regime, as well as loosely following a weight lifting program designed for a friend by her person trainer. This is to get me comfortable with lifting weights. I may decide in the future to consult with a personal trainer. When I reach a plateau, I will determine the changes necessary at that time. For now, this is working and I am ecstatic!

I'm very prideful about being able to do this on my own. I am so against gastric bypass surgery for myself as others have suggested I look in to. I see it as an easy way out, again for myself as I believe I have it in me to change without what I feel are extreme measures. I feel that I have the time, motivation, support, and whatever else to facilitate a way of healthy living at this time without extreme intervention. I support others who use whatever means necessary to facilitate their own healthy life. I applaud all who are willing to change. Whenever I see someone who has lost extreme amounts of weight by any means, I am inspired by their dedication. I feel a twinge of motivation from those that have done it the way I am doing, and therefore this is what pushes me most and how I believe I'll be most successful. This is a difficult battle; to change a lifestyle that you've had all your lifetime as I have, or even a short amount of time that's become familiar and comfortable. One day at a time. Change is possible.

Meals
1 bowl of Raisin and Spice oatmeal
1 cup of milk
4 apricots

5 cups of water

1 sub bun
2 oz black forest ham
2 tsp Dijon mustard
1 cup of spinach, tomato, pickles
10 All Dressed chips
2 cups of water

2 graham crackers
2 cups of water

1 taco (ground beef 2 oz, yogurt, lettuce, tomato)
1 hot dog
1 hot dog bun
1 piece of BBQ chicken 2 oz
1/2 cup potato salad
2 cups of water

2 graham crackers
1 square of Lindt 70% dark chocolate chili filled
1/2 cup of water

Exercise
60 minutes treadmill interval hill
40 minutes upper body free weights/abs
25 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm still trying to finish all our leftovers from this weekend.
-Exercise was awesome today except that I felt very tired during the whole thing. I believe it's from taking 3 days off that my body was so glad I was resting, it tried to forget what I've put it through the last 2 weeks. :) Hopefully I'll be able to work with energy tomorrow.

Day 13

I'm exhausted! We had such a big weekend with our friends. They have two children, a 3 year old and a 4.5 month old. We're not used to children so it was quite tiring with them bouncing around, playing and crying. Even with this though, we managed to get a girls outing, and the guys got a guys trip. Us ladies opted for the spa and got paraffin wax pedicures which I would suggest every women get at least one in her life--it was so soothing, and my ugly, cracked heels are so smooth! The guys went out to Transformers at IMAX and reported back that it was very good. I'll be happy seeing it on Blu-Ray--no big deal.
It has been a struggle trying to fit in exercise and eating healthily. Exercise has actually been non-existent. I went with thinking I would jump on over to the gym after church again, but was taken aback with the spirit and knew I should keep the commandment to keep the sabbath day holy. So I didn't go to the gym. We ended up having a refreshing nap and when I returned from my 7 o'clock meeting at church, a relaxing evening together. I have decided to work very hard during the week so that I plan to make every Sunday my day off. This just means I don't have much wiggle room in the way of skipping exercise for one day, whether intentionally or not. I shouldn't be too hard on myself--skipping a day because I have to is one thing, but I better make sure it's worth it.
Food was a struggle because how much I love the candies and treaty items, I love the BBQ. I could eat double portions easily. I did fairly well Friday and Saturday. Coming home from church today though, I was almost ravenous, even though I had a good breakfast. I indulged after church. To make up for it though, I didn't have any sweet refreshments at my meeting tonight, passing up on the 2 kinds of chocolate chip cookies, and yummy looking and smelling chocolate covered caramels. I came home and was sad about skipping them because my mouth wanted their deliciousness, but I talked it out with Andrew and he helped me feel better about it. I think I've done pretty well on my own keeping the sugar at bay, but sometimes I'm feeling like I want it. See I'm used to eating it nearly every single day--something fattening or sugar filled. So changing and going for days without is difficult, I have to admit. I am very prideful that I haven't been "deprived" but tonight I'll say that I felt a twinge of deprivation. I'm working on balance here, and I told myself that I had a root beer float last night and I can wait a few more days in between having treats. It was only because it was there that it tempted me, so it was only in my head that I wanted it. I would have been better had I not seen the treats. It was funny because when the relief society president announced there would be refreshments afterward, I cringed. 'And minutes before refreshments when I knew it was getting close, I was dreading going back into that room to socialize, because those treats would be calling to me. I had a small plate of fruit to try to tide me over, but I had to leave because I wasn't really talking to anyone anymore and all I could do was smell the chocolate. I'm glad I made a better choice, but I'm also not as pumped about it because I'm really struggling with this temptation. Thank goodness I'm at home and I'm safe where there are no bad things to further tempt the inner fat chick.
So here's been kind of an anti-climatic ending coming up to two weeks, and I hopped on the scale for a peak before tomorrow morning and it's not good at all. I hope it's just the food and water from today, but we'll see the real results in the morning. I feel like I've been doing so well and all it took was a day of eating a few hundred more calories and no exercise for 3 days straight. Ugh. I feel badly about that.

Meals
1 bowl of Raisin and Spice Oatmeal
1 cup of milk
1 banana

1 BBQ chicken thigh, no skin
1 hot dog with ketchup, mustard, 2 tsp relish
1 hot dog bun
1 hamburger patty with ketchup
1 cup lettuce, pickles, and tomato
1 deviled egg
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 sub bun
2 tsp Dijon mustard
3 oz black forest ham
1 cup lettuce, pickles, tomato
1 slice Swiss cheese
8 All Dressed chips
1 cup of mixed cassava and honey dew melon pieces
2 cups of water

1/2 cup kiwi, strawberries, and orange slice
1/2 cup of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I overdid lunch. I felt like I was starving after church. I'll have to make sure to plan to bring a small snack the next time I go to eat between meetings. I didn't drink enough water either and I'm not going to go force it all down now and keep myself up in the bathroom all night.
-I'm going to the gym at 9am tomorrow. Since I have no other obligatory plans, I hope to do a full 2 hour workout.