Day 20

Home! It was a quick weekend, but a fun weekend! I really enjoyed being able to hang out with my husband away from home in a new environment, as well as being able to spend good quality time with my SIL and her extended family. We have a lot of fun together, and even when we're not having all the fun, it's still great just to be around her. I love that girl and I hope she knows it!
I hated driving home, driving the back and forth, narrow roads on the passes that dropped down a cliff. My biggest fear aside from sliding on the gravel and brake failure was getting pushed off the mountain by a speeding truck coming around the bend from the opposite side. It's as if nobody reads speed limits or just thinks it's no big deal. I have deep rooted anxiety about travelling though, so maybe that's just the problem.
I have a bit of OCD when travelling. If I'm not in the drivers' seat, I tend to start obsessing about death. I image if I'm not in control, somebody who is won't see what I see, won't react the way I react, and it will end in disaster. I'm nearly unable to fly now, and I always drive to save my husband from the backseat driving, crying, and flinching every second of the way. I'm constantly kicking the imaginary brake pedal, bracing myself on the dash and the window, or holding my head in my hands, shaking my legs or my head, verbalizing stop stop stop or brake brake brake, or crying. While in the passenger seat, I have racing thought of burning crash scenes, being thrown from the car and thrust over the mountain, or just having a head on collision with another vehicle. I realize these thoughts are irrational, and the fact that my husband has not even so much as a ticket doesn't help the fact that I completely lose it over nothing. I'm seriously considering professional help before our big drive back home as I won't be able to stand the 28 hours driving on my own. We also want to make it to England soon, and there's no way I can be on a plane right now and survive the anxiety.
I know exactly where each of these separate anxieties stem from, I know that they are irrational, yet I find it extremely difficult to talk myself out of the anxiety once it starts. I hate this about myself. I used to feel so carefree. It seems like the older I get, the worse this OCD manifests itself. I can't even believe this happens; it seems so unreal.
Anyway, as always we arrive safe at home in one piece. Hello! We had a relaxing evening of dinner, movie, puppy cuddling, and NO unpacking or stress. Quite a change from a return home.
I wish we could have camped a bit longer, but I'm happy to have my plumbing back, and a warm bed. I'm so grateful for plumbing!!! You don't realize what a blessing it is until you've been in the back country, doing your business in a hole in the ground.

Meals
approx 2.5 cups Dutch oven mountain man breakfast--hasbrown potatoes, eggs, bacon, sausage, cheese, some other stuff I think
2 tbsp salsa
1.5 cup hot cocoa
1.5 cup water
2 cups of water

20 All Dressed chips
approx 7 pieces of beef jerky
1 Snickers with almonds
2 cups of water

4 slices of pizza
1/4 of a 9 inch cookie
591 ml Pepsi

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Yes, judge me. We didn't want to cook after such a long weekend. I suggested the pizza. I took all 4 slices. I scarfed them down. It was delicious. I totally regret having so much. I think this has been my worst meal in 20 days. I feel like I "failed" but I guess we all get a chance to mess up once in a while. Okay, 1 day in 20. Please give me a little leniency. I'll do good for the next 20 days. ;)
-Exercise was not going to happen today. Camping takes the life out of you. Excuse? Yes. It is what it is. Being able to write it down though and reflect gets me pumped for this coming week. I'm still determined. I don't count this as a fail. I remember that I'm trying to balance and that's that. I still am very aware of how much pizza I had, and I totally didn't need the Pepsi (they didn't even have Coke and I'm a Coke girl!) but I had it anyway. It was good. I should be careful not to fall in to the easy, carefree trap. It's easy to fall into that complacency, so watch out next week--there's a lot of making up and planning not to fail to be done.