Day 208: Year 4

Dad,

Four years ago today will be burned in my memory forever. I had just talked with you days earlier--you called me on your turn of our back and forth weekly calls. You had asked me if I needed any money, as you were paying for me to go to university and the new semester would be starting in just days. I lied to you and told you I didn't need any, that Andrew and I were okay and we could pay for it. What you didn't know is that we put my tuition on our credit card. We were living in a time where we had to run to the bank at 2330h on the 29th of the month just to take an advance out on our credit card, to put money in our chequing account so our mortgage payment on the 30th would clear. You had been very generous to pay for my education as I had finally proven to you that I was serious this time. I wanted you to be proud of me and know that Andrew and I were supporting each other well, so we passed on your offer to help pay for that semester's tuition. You told me, like you have many times recently, that you weren't feeling well, but after we spoke for a few minutes, you told me as you had so many times before, that just talking to me helped you feel better. I always thought you were depressed but then again, you have always been alone and it seemed to suite you well. I thought you just missed me, and I had no idea that physical pain your were feeling was more than just emotional pain manifesting itself. You didn't lead a very healthy life, but you had a good holistic attitude. I thought you'd be a grumpy old man living forever like Grandpa.

We hung up and I was proud of myself for making you proud, even if it was a lie. Yeah, we did pay for my schooling, but we were paying for it long after that day I wrote the cheque. We really could have used the money, but I was trying to be responsible in an irresponsible way. I guess looking back, it's all worked out though, right?

Anyway, school did start after the new year. I had my very first taste of my very first actual nursing classes in my new program. I had been though all the electives for the last two years, and now I had 2.5 years of pure nursing! I was brand new, very green, and doe eyed. I was ready to heal the world! I got so excited after my second class on the 9th. It was in the afternoon and I was studying hard for the next day. I thought about you, and thought about calling you as it was my turn to call, but thought that I should study up tonight so that I could be prepared for tomorrow's class, and I would call you tomorrow afternoon. Andrew was on his way out to the bank for a money exchange and then W called me. He never once called me since I had moved.

I was on a plane, the next flight I could find back home. The entire 3 hours, sitting by myself I cried. The flight was turbulent and it scared me. I now have a phobia of flying and need anxiety medication in order to fly. Things out of my control now, like being a passenger in a car, raise my anxiety levels to heights that make it almost impossible to accept. Andrew is a very capable driver and has never been in an accident since I met him 7 years ago. I still have to drive most of the time if I want to be comfortable.

We cremated you like you wanted even though I had a religious belief that your body should remain whole, I did what you had told me you wanted years and years ago. Seeing you frozen, touching you cold, I was cheated out of my good bye. B Brother was there with me, and we laughed at some good memories we had of you. For so long I wanted you dead. All the pain and hurt you caused me; your abuse, your drunkenness. But for the last couple of years when I finally didn't live with you and you couldn't control me anymore, we became friends. I knew you. I grew up and matured. I realized that you were hurting. I forgave you and you allowed me to be who I wanted to be, expectation free. After my entire life of wanted you dead, I got a good couple of years to completely erase that desire. I'm blessed to have known you those past couple of years, to make amends, to finally say I love you and mean it.

You orphaned me at 25. I know lots of kids grow up without parents, but I didn't have parents after mom died when I was 13, and then I finally did when I was 23. I didn't have enough time with you. I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss our inside jokes. I miss not being able to show you what I've accomplished. I miss that father I always wanted, and so briefly had. But, I had.

I love you, old man. The discount trees are in the back.

Erica

P.S. Thanks for my education and for our old house. Our new house is beautiful--we saw it today--and I think you'd approve of the design and architecture. Thanks for the huge head start.

-e

-Meals

3 oz goat cheese stuffed chicken breast (l/o)

1/2 cup brown rice

1 cup green beans

2 cups of water

french onion soup

chicken breast with mozzarella cheese sandwich on ciabatta bun

sweet potato fries

4 cups of water

8 bite sized chocolate chip cookies

1 tall non-fat Starbucks hot chocolate, no whip

-Exercise

None

-Notes

Renovating is a huge job. We are trying to finish everything quickly in order to list the house this week. It was another hugely busy day, laced with so much exhausting emotion. There again, wasn't any time for breakfast, or for exercise but I have been working all day long! I'll be happy when all this house work is finally completed. We're almost done!

Day 207: Tegan and Sara

I exchanged gifts with one of my very best friends this Christmas. She has given past gifts of tickets to things like Zoo Lights and Vertigo Mystery Theatre. I joked with her that she keeps Andrew and me busy with dates all year. But she knows me and the things I like to do, and receiving these gifts make me feel so special, like she really took time to think of me. I love that about her--so thoughtful! This Christmas she went above and beyond and surprised us with concert tickets to see one of my favourite bands, Tegan and Sara. It was a fun night getting a bit dressed up to go to a concert. Parking was easy and not far away, and getting settled in our seats was a breeze. We got seats right on the aisle, so I was even excited to not have to bump my fat elbows with all the skinny people. Funny though, each pound I lose, I fit in auditorium seats better. I'm almost comfortable, and soon, others sitting next to me might be as well.

We had an excellent night, full of good music, and like Aly warned me, their on-stage banter was hilarious (they are 29 year old twin lesbian musicians). It was a really fun night! They played a lot of songs off their new album that I just got for Christmas, so I got an entire week to drown myself and learn the new album, and surprisingly, I recognized and could sing along to some of it! We also got a good handful of their older stuff--Tegan and Sara classics--which was awesome. We got home quite late and pretty much went straight to bed. It was a very memorable date, and again, a fun time had because of a generous friend who we can't thank enough!

-e

-Meals

chicken burger (l/o)

sweet potato fries (l/o)

1/2 piece German chocolate cheesecake (l/o)

2 cups of water

3 oz parsley and green onion goat cheese stuffed marinated chicken (yum!)

1/2 cup brown rice

1 cup asparagus

3 cups of water

1 cup Starbucks hot cocoa mix with water

-Exercise

60 minutes Hatha yoga

-Notes

I skipped breakfast by pure necessity and not desire. I just got swamped fitting in everything before our date that lunch came quickly after a busy morning, and then dinner wasn't even thought of until it was time for dinner. I know, bad on me. :( Always eat a healthy breakfast!!!

Day 206: Confidence Gained, Just A Little At A Time

I've been doing make-up personal training sessions so that I'm at the same number as the other two in my group. The make-ups are at 600h Thursday mornings. That means I have to wake up by 445h just to get ready in time to make it outside to scrape all the ice off the car, to drive down the off-road residential street the snow transforms for us, and to get into the gym on the treadmill at 600h to warm up before the Ms. kicks our butts. That's early!! I'm used to waking around 730h when Andrew gets up for work. That's nearly 3 hours of sleep I miss and my internal clock certainly knows it. Even getting to bed 3 hours early (not that I did this, but have before) doesn't really make a difference. My body is in rhythm right now which in most ways is perfect because I sleep really well, but it sucks for days like today. At least I went.

Some exercises Ms. has us do just kill me. For instance, there were two benches parallel to each other and we had to step up on the bench from the side with our right foot, up with the left, and down, and up then up the second, left up, and down--then go back across reversed. My right leg can barely lift all my weight up (it's got to be 1.5-2 ft tall) then I had to lift myself up on my left leg (I'm right handed). I can tell you I only did it because Ms. helped me over, but I wanted to cry each time. I'm so scared of heights and balance as it is, and still carry the fear of spraining an ankle. This was the worst. I feel so defeated and Ms. keeps encouraging you can do it, you can do it and after a display of trying and failing I finally do. I don't feel much better though because there's the second bench to conquer. I have to constantly remind myself that I can do what I can do at my level and I will progress. I just feel scared to fall and embarrassed about my weight, everyone watching me struggle. 'Brief moment of doubt and a short lived lack of confidence.

Ms. has a huge good job, see? waiting for me at the end. The other group members also give a little confidence boost with a head nod and smile, them telling me good job, or a look and a breath like it's hard for all of us. I come back from the verge of tears, stubborn as heck to at least try despite everything that's holding me back, and I find somewhere that I can push again. Getting this validation amplifies the little bit of strength I feel I have in me. I need this. I'm so grateful I decided to train with them. It's changed so much about how I view the intensity of my solo workouts, and given me that extra boost to keep me focused.

Then there's front desk lady, and tiny step girl. Front desk lady stopped me from leaving to tell me she saw me working really hard and that it was good for me for doing that. Tiny step girl has started pointing at my rear now when we see each other and telling me I'm looking so good that everything's slimming down and gone! Heh, I always thought I would be pointed at in the bad way, made fun of with looks instead of getting encouraged. Maybe this is why it's so hard to get the gym for the first time, because we judge ourselves and believe everyone else feels the same way that we do. I've gained my support system even from strangers. This is why I've been able to go now for so long because I have proof that it's okay for me to be there!

I wish there was some way to tell less active people who want to be at the gym but won't go out of fear that it's okay. 'And look at how my life is changing. Where would I be without it? I cry because I can't believe how easy it is now--how many years was I held back because of the things I told myself I couldn't do? Yes, it is VERY hard work, but the motivation is easy now. I'm no longer afraid of pain, or sweat, or jiggling, or breathing. I know that the benefits out weigh any stupid, lying hang-ups I tell myself.

I think all you need to build this confidence is practice. ANYONE can do this. ANYONE. I used to think losing 200 pounds was reserved for people who had the heart, who probably wanted it more than me (obviously, right?), who had more money or more support, who had that type A personality--that fire to succeed. None of that is needed at all and it's completely false. All that's needed is a willingness to try just a little today, and when tomorrow comes, try to push just a little more than yesterday; and when you fail, you celebrate what you can do, and when you succeed, you celebrate harder. ANYONE can do this.

-e

-Meals

1 bowl multi-grain Cheerios

1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

1.5 cups left over bell pepper stuffing

1 apple

2 cups of water

1 bowl french onion soup

1/2 hamburger with cheese, bacon, guacamole

approx 20 sweet potato fries

1/8 of one piece of cheesecake (1 bite)

-Exercise

60 minutes personal training (strength/cardio)

Day 205: Gaining Spirituality

A few hours late, but posting none-the-less!

Andrew and I are trying to be really good about filling our hours being productive, whether that's productive being busy and accomplishing work tasks, or being productive accomplishing our own interests or spending quality time together. We're trying to incorporate a more spiritual environment at home, and focusing on those goals. Although not Monday, we finally held a "formal" family home evening involving scripture study. Now having our new lesson study guides for the year, we've decided to look at our Sunday School lesson during the week to be prepared for Sundays.

It was about 2000h after all the dinner had be eaten and a show had been watched. About this time it would be pretty typical for us to keep watching another show until bedtime, or to play video games. Now I can't really say anything bad about video games in moderation. I find them enjoyable, and Andrew certainly does as well. Keeping moderation in mind, instead of doing these activities, we decided to make a little game for ourselves. From 2000h-2100h, we decided to quickly do as much house work as we could and then stop. After, we held our family home evening, and actually got ready for bed before 2300h. It was a nice change to feel like we didn't have to spend all night working on the house, but that we got some done; but then we got some scripture study time in, and some good family time in as well--so much more accomplished, and in bed earlier than normal. This was how I like my free time! Being enjoyably productive without the stress of needing to be productive, and then falling asleep for a full night's rest.

I lived 21 years without allowing the Lord truly in my life. The more I allow the spirit in, the better I feel. I've lived both ways--with and without religion. I can't tell you how much more my life is fulfilled and I'm more easily able to cope with adversity now with it. So my spiritual choice is believing in a loving, Heavenly Father, with scriptural principles that guide my life. I also like to do yoga and take strength from being in tune with my body and my quiet, inner self. I believe everyone has the choice to choose whatever spiritual belief system they want to use to guide themselves in this life, but having that belief system and acknowledgment of a higher power beyond ourselves, I think is one key into being a whole, functional person. For me, I can honestly and truly say my life has never been better than this day and I expect tomorrow to be better than today. I am grateful that Jesus died on the cross for me, that I might return to Heaven and be with my family for eternity.

May each of us find that inner light guiding our paths to seek out that higher power; to know what is true in guiding only ourselves, and accepting--not judging--our neighbors; and to live righteous and joyful lives through peace on earth.

-e

-Meals

1 bowl of multi grain Cheerios

1 cup skim milk

4 wint-o-green Life Savers

1-100 calorie Reece wafer bar

2 cups of water

17 tortilla chips

1/2 cup kidney beans

1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese

1/4 cup salsa

2 cups of water

1/2 red bell pepper

1/2 yellow bell pepper

each stuffed with:

1/3 cup brown rice

1/4 cup chickpeas

onions, celery, parsley, tomato paste

1/6 cup shredded light mozzarella cheese

2 cups of water

3 lemon coconut digestive crackers

1 cup of water

-Exercise

None

-Notes

Before we ate our healthy stuffed bell peppers, someone suggested next time we stuff them with bacon, blue cheese, and mushrooms...mmmmm, how delicious would that be? If I can think up enough stuffing and add the bacon & blue cheese as condiments, we might have ourselves the yummiest stuffed bell pepper in the world...maybe like cauliflower used as a filler? We'll see.

Day 204: What We Tell Ourselves Matters

Did I mention I started personal training at my gym, as in, I'm the client and I voluntarily PAY to get my butt kicked twice a week? I go Tuesdays and Thursdays and today happens to be another (gasp!) Tuesday. As I sit here at the computer, all I can feel are my tight calves from step class yesterday, amplified to the hurtiest degree today from something else my mind has blocked that was painfully sweaty at the time, and had my heart and lungs performing at maximum levels. It's an awesome feeling!

So of course I watched the first episode of The Biggest Loser Season 9 tonight. I'm kind of a fan of the show. Watching this time was different than watching episodes 1-8. Instead of crying because I was proud that someone else was doing it and trying to draw strength, motivation, or energy from their experiences (whilst an overflowing bowl of ice cream fell into my mouth), I cried a different cry. My tears, this time flavoured with 2 coconut lemon digestive crackers and a glass of skim milk, were for those sweet people who had lost their way, who were making a difference, and not realizing it yet. I found myself looking at my 322 pound body in amazement: I was you just months ago.

This season started out with the contestants taking their first weigh-in in their hometowns, in front of their family and friends. Bob, the trainer, called them courageous for putting it all out there and showing everyone who they were. He said it was a step to being completely honest with themselves. I couldn't stop crying because I did that by starting this blog 204 days ago. I was you just months ago.

With them, I felt the potential embarrassment and apprehension that they were going through, letting people see them shirtless, and reading the number on the scale; bare and unable to hide. I cannot emphasize what a huge milestone this was for me in my life--starting this blog and telling everyone what I weighed--and how awesome it is that people are doing this now that I see how empowered I've become. I believe this is a step everyone should take in their own way if they have this weight issue to overcome--being honest, being brave enough for the potential embarrassment, being free to accept yourself as you are, as you move into your new, healthy life.

We're fat because we fed our emotions. Period. We were filling a void by crying into a brown paper bag, we were celebrating joy by cutting a slice of cake; and we didn't get up from the couch except to get seconds. There's a point in which you begin to celebrate with laughter, cry on a shoulder, and go for a walk just to breathe the air. When we start doing those things more often and the food part becomes more as an accessory, our lives become richer. We're taking care of our bodies and learning how to treat ourselves in a healthier manner most of the time, instead of as the exception to the fattening, less-active rule. We begin to love ourselves. It's amazing how when we trust in ourselves and allow ourselves to fail, we can do so much more than we tell ourselves we're able to do.

-e

-Meals

1 cup multi-grain Cheerios

1 cup skim milk

1 apple

3 cups of water

17 tortilla chips

1/4 cup kidney beans

1/2 cup low fat black refried beans

1/4 cup salsa

1/3 cup reduced fat cheddar cheese

1 can of green tea ginger ale

2 cups of water

1 Edo meal (rice, vegetables, chicken, shrimp, teriyaki sauce)

2 cups of water

2 coconut lemon digestive crackers

1 cup skim milk

-Exercise

5 minute cardio warm up

60 minute personal training workout (strength training)

-Notes

I love Edo! It's a Japanese fast food/restaurant. It's one of the more healthy options when eating on the go. It was either that, or New York Fries where my brain obsessed for a few minutes over a hot dog and poutine. I can have that hot dog later. It doesn't agree with my sore body reminder that I am sore because I exercised hard for my health this morning.

Day 203: (Week 29) Love The Encouragement

Welcome back to Monday weigh-ins!

322.0 pounds; -11.4 pounds from last weigh-in on Oct 13, 2009 (Day 120 in week 17); -27 total pounds

I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I'm almost at a loss of 30 pounds! I can't believe that I passed 20 pounds after that huge plateau and depression induced hiatus. I can't believe I'm here. I've never lost this much weight in my life. I'm doing it.

This post is another sappy thank you to all those who continue to encourage me. I have shed tears from the amount of support I continually receive. You don't know what an impact your exclamation ended sentences make on my motivation to try harder; what it's done for my self-esteem, validating that people do want to see me succeed and still love me even though they know all this "stuff" about me. Thank you.

I received a beautiful email recently from a friend who is in a similar position as me, wanting to make a change in their own life. It was a few sentences simply offering to encourage each other, and asking what I'm doing that's working. I'm realizing that I'm actually making a difference--a tangible, visual difference in myself and I'm not just talking about it like I have been for the last 10 years. I'm doing it. There's just a fire that keeps burning brighter and brighter to succeed. If anyone thinks negative reinforcement works, positive reinforcement works better. Thank you for acknowledging me and validating my work. Being raised by a negative reinforcer robs the little girl inside of me of feeling positively about myself, learning this when I was young. I have always had a hard time taking a compliment. I try to shove it away because I always doubt, fear, or don't trust. But I'm learning that I am worthy of love and friendship just by being me and I don't even have to be a perfect version. Thanks to my surrogate mother who I'll name "Mommy" for planting that idea in my head.

To all of you, I'm humbled by your words.

-e

-Meals

1 chocolate breakfast fibre bar

1 apple

6 cups of water

17 whole grain tortilla chips

1/2 cup low fat refried black beans

1/2 cup salsa

1/4 cup non-fat sour cream

1/3 cup reduced fat shredded cheddar cheese

1 cup of asparagus

2 cups of water

17 whole grain tortilla chips

1/2 cup kidney beans

1 cup spinach

1/2 cup tomatoes

1/3 cup reduced fat shredded cheddar cheese

1/4 cup lean ground beef

1/4 cup non-fat sour cream

2-100 calorie Hershey's crisp wafer bars

2 cups of water

-Exercise

60 minutes step & pump class

60 minutes walking on the treadmill

-Notes

I haven't worked out for 2 hours in one go in a long time, and I'm not tired (surprisingly) probably because I'm sort of used to this. Pushing an extra 30 minutes didn't do me completely in; and I never got that exercise headache I was expecting after such a kick butt class (seriously, I was sweating through my knees and elbows). Maybe it was because I stayed hydrated and ate right after? I'll try that again next time and perhaps learn that I need 6 cups of water instead of just 3 cups.

In trying to eat from home, we're stretching our leftovers so a lot of the time you'll see me eating the same meal twice a day (seldomly) or for dinner one night, and as lunch the next day (often). It saves our budget and our belts. Win-win!

Day 202: Not to Resolve Anything

I'm just going to put out some goals that I have for 2010. Making resolutions is like dieting, and so I refuse to do that! I think if you have goals, you make a plan for those goals, you will achieve them instead of running full speed, cold turkey, whatever at the start, and then allowing yourself to drift away. At least, that's what I am likely to do if I make a resolution to change anything.

I'd rather just make a focus on what's important to me, and set out to make it happen.

2009 you were a pain

In my neck that I did gain.

From you I cried

More tears for loss

Than any for joy

in laughter I crossed.

I will not beg

For time not had,

But for better days

To erase these sad

Memories burned

in the darkened depths of my heart

My soul. 2010,

pray resilience through my strengths

to impart.

-e

1)We will have a baby on the way, either through natural means or adoptive intervention.

2) We will move into the new house we hope to call our home for many years to come.

3)I will complete my Bachelor of Science Nursing degree.

4)I will be fitter, stronger, healthier than I was when I first met my husband 7.5 years ago.

5)I will say goodbye to my beloved and youthful 20's, and move fitter, stronger, healthier, and wiser into my 30's.

I will not only pray for these things, but work to their ends. Looking at the bigger picture, it doesn't matter how long it takes, but these things, this year, is their natural time to come and I'm looking forward to devoting all my energy to accomplishing these goals within my own world.

The world can mean every being working together as one, and the world can mean your centre and what you project out. I'll end here with one of my favourite life guiding perceptions that will anchor me in reaching my goals for this bright new year:

"You must be the change you want to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi

-e

Day 201: A New Beginning

I'm not much of a New Year's resolution type person, but I do have some specific goals in mind for 2010 which I'll be sharing tomorrow. Like with exercise, it's just a matter of doing it; this poor blog I've neglected, and neglected my readers--and to you I'm sorry--but I'm posting now at 2356h before I need to hop in to bed and make my beauty sleep count! Just do it!

For a quick update, I've now lost a grand total of 26 pounds since June and although it's not as huge of a number as I hoped it would be, it's more than I've ever lost in my life so it's a small victory in it's own right. Two non-scale victories: I'm not panting at the top of my 13 stair complete with landing staircase; and my clothes are falling off me, not snuggly fitting my rolls, and I'm going to have to go shopping!

In the most simplistic terms for articulating my success, my secret is: eat less, move more.

Have a wonderful evening, God Bless, and all the best to you all in 2010!

-e

Day 179-200: Revamped

In keeping with a resilient attitude, here I am once again. I've had lots of time for myself to reflect on my personal feelings--feelings to be shared soon enough.

For now I just want to say welcome back to me. I've missed me. I knew I could do it.

'And thank you to all those who continue to tirelessly support me. Your love is not in vain.

-e

Day 156- Day 178: Hiatus

That's all. 'Just a hiatus.

e

Day 155: I quit.

All or nothing head interloped into the spirit of this blog.

I began to despise the pressure I was putting on myself to take the time to post every day. I don't have endless hours a day to spend writing albeit something I love to do. Currently I have too many other projects, needs, priorities to attend to, that blogging unfortunately became "another one of those things" and it so happens one of those things that could be done away with at a less valuable expense. I quit.

I've missed being able to keep in touch by checking other's blogs. I've missed being able to vent. Missed were seeing my awesome, pat-myself-on-the-back accomplishments--my personal victories. I need those things, every one of them.

What killed it for me, pushing me over the edge, was going back about 4.5 weeks ago. I received an email from someone very close to me suggesting that despite all my efforts of various hard works, I was asked if I had given any more thought into pursuing surgical intervention to aid my weight loss--because they were "worried" about me, after numerous times I declined the invitation to have a conversation about the subject, and I thought made clear that that subject matter was not acceptable. I have been suggested to, rather told, all my life what I "should" do or what I must do, and I did not want that in my life anymore. Yet I was disrespected once again, and subsequently became disgusted with how I perceived people look at me.

I've never been much of an overconfident person. I'm shy by nature. I've battled low self-esteem. I feel judged because all my life I've been judged by my closest support people--i.e. my father. For the most part, I grew up learning that I was not good enough. I learned that I was a bad person for crying, that I had no truly good ideas, that I was worthless because I was never the best. Enter "all or nothing," guilt, doubt, and perfectionism to guide my coping mechanisms for the rest of my life. As the years have progressed, I now surrounding myself around real supportive people, and I've learned that these idea I had about myself were false. It doesn't negate the fact that the fabric of my being was sewn with these harsh threads. I'm very aware of how I feel society should be treated, not just myself. I'm on guard to make sure I never have to unjustly feel those ways again. So when someone threatens my safety, someone who I trust disrespects me and goes against my values, there are certain feelings that unfortunately will make a return.

I began thinking, heck, am I just fooling myself? Am I in this much denial? I started thinking that maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe I'm writing crap on here and I should go get a surgery I'm vehemently against because everyone sees it except for me. I thought, well who cares about this blog? How many people are reading and seeing that I'm a lost cause, that I'm worthless? Doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt.

I felt foolish to spill my insides. This wasn't helping anyone if what they all thought was that I should stop and get surgery. I was defeated. I was spending hours crossing all my T's and doting all my I's just to be laughed at. I quit.

(I do know not everyone feels this way and I'm confident it was ONLY that person who felt that way, so thank you to my supporters. I don't mean to suggest ANY of you are a problem, quite opposite, you are my esteem builders and I'm so grateful to you.)

At the time I was also grieving the loss of my baby who I miscarried one year ago. It was the anniversary. I wasn't in a place to get out of bed, much less blog about weight loss to futile means. I quit.

One of my best friends lost a close family member suddenly, unexpectedly. I was hurting for them. On top of my own stresses, I was stressed for them. I quit.

Then there's the list of everything else filling the glass: fixing up and cleaning out our house to put on the market in time to take possession of a new house (and new mortgage), finishing my Bachelor's degree and taking those courses online (with no time management skills to speak of), pressure to make a baby that I am hopeless about being able to carry (from history of miscarriage and now 13 months of infertility), finishing up the paperwork for immigration (I don't know where to start), and keeping a calm house with dinner on the table and poop off the dog. Too much to do. I quit.

These stresses landed me a quick visit to the ER last night. I was having bad chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, felt like there was a lump in my throat, and I had a racing pulse. Given my weight, my "high normal" blood pressure, and the fact that Dad passed away from a heart attack scared me into a panic so badly that I was having Andrew nearly run the stop lights. I had an EKG and chest x-ray and this is what they found: nothing abnormal.

I am and have always been "healthy on paper." I've had anemia before but not always, my high normal BP is still "normal", and some unexplained infertility which is probably related to a lot of stress, but healthy otherwise--you know, no diabetes, cholesterol is within normal limits, healthy heart and lungs, and other organs, no diseases. But orphaned by my parents who both died of lifestyle diseases has scared me into thinking the worst for myself because of my weight. The doc reassured me though, given my stress tests of being on the treadmill 3-4 times a week at 50-60 minutes and not having any problems again reassured the doc that my cardiac fitness was good.

From my understanding I was having an anxiety attack--something I've never experienced before. Thank goodness I had those reassuring tests. Thank goodness I had the brain to be safe and get it checked out, but better that it was nothing bad. What this has made me think of, however, is that I should probably order these orchids a little better and learn how to manage my life without all of this stress.

So my new plan is to try to give myself a schedule and task out what needs to get done and just start doing it. Perfectionism tells me that if I start and even have the possibility of failing, it's not worth it. Then nothing gets done, the monkey on the back starts screaming, and here I am in the ER again scared I'm dying of a heart attack. NOT GOOD. I want to write. I will continue to write. But I will write when it suites me and doesn't interfere with a good night's sleep or time to spend with my husband as that time is so precious lately. I can't feel badly for changing my template in the middle of this however much it irks me to the bone. I have to be flexible. I promise myself not to just stop writing, but it won't be everyday, and I'll still succeed. This topic of balance keeps coming up and it's what's going to make me the happiest person I can be. So to stress and worrying about what people think, and feeling I have to do it all, I quit.

Interesting side note, I have been teetering between 329-333 pounds for the last 3.5 weeks. There have been lots of fast food because I've been too depressed to cook, and lots of no exercising because I've been too depressed to get out of bed. I just needed time to deal with these emotions I was feeling and I'm okay now. I should give massive props to my wonderful husband who's had to go through this with me, as he's been the best support I've ever had. I'm so blessed.

I'll take proper measurements on Monday...keeping all the orchids in order and such.

Day 131-Day 154: Time Off

3.5 weeks off. Time to come back.

Day 130

I think I'm on the up and up. Andrew got sick about a day or so ahead of me, and so it was too late to "stay away" from him. After all, we're a married couple that still kiss so whatever he has, I get it too.

I'm still a little congested and a tad weak but I'm feeling much more hopeful that life can go on. I'm even going to make a dinner that involves a cutting board tonight, so that's proof right there that I can be a productive member of society, once again.

I already know I've lost weight this week, but only because I've been sick. Of course it's because I've only been eating dinner because I need to, but haven't had an appetite for anything else really during the day. Starving my way to weight loss is something that I refuse to do, so if you see a dramatic drop next weigh in, it's not because I've been awesome. My body is in pain and I can't wait to get back to the gym. Once the dizziness subsides, you know I'll be tying up my runners.

It's such a waste of a good week. This will probably be one of the last snow free weeks we'll see this year, and I was stuck inside. Hopefully I'll throw myself out this weekend and find civilization beyond these walls. Right now, however, so tired...

Meals
1 1/2 cup saffron rice
1 cup chicken tikka masala
1 piece nan bread
2 cups of water

1 cup Neapolitan ice cream

Exercise
None

Day 124-Day 129 (passing over Week 18)

Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu. Flu.

:(

*Highlights*
--Chicken noodle soup & non-salted tops Saltines
--Freshly squeezed OJ
--7-up
--Lemon, ginger, and honey tea
--Neapolitan ice cream...LOTS
--Water
--NyQuil
--Couch, TV, no exercise.
--SLEEP
--Tissues
--Thermometers
--Tears
--Aches and pains
--Headaches
--Neti pot that wouldn't flow
--Steamy showers
--SLEEP

Day 123

Rules for Life (on-going):

1. Breathe.

2. 6 A's of conflict:
Acknowledge--Acknowledge that you are not blameless. You have just as much part in the conflict as the other party.
Accuse--DON'T
Articulate--Articulate your pain without accusing.
Accountability--Take accountability for your part without justifications or excuses.
Apologize--Apologize sincerely for your actions, no matter what the intention. If another is hurt by your actions, apologize for that pain.
Accept--Accept apology from the other party graciously with a forgiving heart. If you're willing to accept an apology, you are required to give an apology.

Meals
1 flour tortilla
1 pieces whole grain bread
2.5 scrambled eggs with Pam
1/4 cup low fat shredded cheese
1 cup blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
1 cup skim milk

2 cups chili (l/o)
1 piece of cornbread (l/o)
1 tbsp honey butter (l/o)
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-None

Day 122

The following clips of video are from the animated series "Sealab 2021."

I've been feeling down for a couple weeks, and watching these always cheer me up. Every single time, I draw new tears--actual tears. Hopefully you enjoy the humour as much as I do!

Another shovel, or blanket, whichever you prefer--reading "someecards":
http://www.someecards.com/

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

2 cups of water

2 1/2 cups ground beef, kidney bean, tomatoe, bell pepper, onion chili
3 pieces of homemade cornbread
3 tbsp homemade whipped honey butter
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Ugh. 16 days left.

Day 121

It's been brought to my attention that I'm not losing weight really quickly and perhaps I need surgical assistance because I'm so overweight that it's scary. While I know this cutting observation was made with good intentions, as selfish as they were,

please be reminded:

-I am losing weight as a bonus to creating a healthy lifestyle. The weight and inches lost are a measurable, tangible, reflection of my progress that I am able to calculate from home.


-It's more important for me to develop healthy habits and routines that will facilitate healthy living and increased longevity, as well as creating those habits that will set a good example to my future children brought up surrounded by childhood obesity, than to be a supermodel, skin and bones, with no muscle mass and perhaps a damaged heart.

-While I invite encouragement, I do not take kindly to unsolicited advice that I've previously repeatedly asked not to receive, as this advice feels demeaning and invalidates the extremely hard work that I am doing despite my failures.

I've included a link to the following website as a resource for tips on healthy living:
http://www.helpguide.org/life/healthy_weight_loss.htm

I like the part where it reads, "Aim to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week to ensure healthy weight loss."
Aim, as defined at dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/aim), definition number 4 reads, "4. to strive; try (usually fol. by to or at): We aim to please."

I am striving, trying, aiming for losing weight healthfully, with the goal to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week. Week to week, I'm not reaching that goal yet many times I exceed that goal. If you take out my vacation set back, I will have lost over 20 pounds in 17 weeks. Anyone who can do second grade math can calculate that's over 1 pound per week, and not more than 2 pounds. For now, I think I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to do. Am I in denial? If I am, please tell me.

I would be overjoyed if I could lose 2, 3, 4 pounds a week. I would love to be slim and toned, and look more socially acceptable, faster. Being so overweight, if I tried harder I'm sure I could do that for awhile at that pace. My whole dieting life, however, has been aimed at attempting to lose weight as fast as possible. The result is I always quit, I get discouraged, I fail. I do not want to do that anymore. I do not want to make excuses when it gets so much harder than what it already is. I already make excuses as it is. Fortunately, I'm able to overcome these minor setbacks. These setbacks don't depress me to no end like they always have before. I fear failure. I feel like for the first time in my life, I am actually making a real difference. Why in the world would I change this good thing I have going just because someone thinks I'm not doing it a way that they think I should? Again, if I'm in denial please tell me.

All that said, I will try harder because it's obvious that there's more that I can do, doing it this way. I do understand that seeing -.2 pounds, week after week sometimes, is slow since 1 to 2 pounds per week is a healthy suggested pace. I will aim to meet those goals. I just can't discredit that cute little .2 of a pound though, because it's hard work getting each increment to fall off. I'm proud of my accomplishments despite my critics. I will continue to persevere because I am resilient.

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
2 cups of water

4 oz lemon and rosemary chicken breast (l/o)
2 cups of asparagus
1/2 cup onion
4 cups of water

2 flour tortillas
1 1/2 cups onions, red bell peppers, green bell peppers pan fried in 2 tbsp olive oil and water
3 oz Cajun seasoned chicken breast
1/4 cup shredded low fat cheddar cheese
4 tbsp non-fat sour cream
1 cup of blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
2 cups of water

2 cups of peppermint tea

Exercise
None

Notes:
-NO DESSERT TODAY. This is a huge accomplishment because of all the cupcakes and ice cream that have been invading our house lately. Such a breath of fresh air! Andrew and I were talking about dinner and how eating a yummy meal full of cooked vegetables and then having a bowl of fruit afterwards got us full as if we loaded up on nasty fatty foods and then desserty type items. I suppose part of the trick is finding healthy foods that you love to eat and then eating them. :)
-Yeah, no time for exercise. This is a huge balancing act. I'm just praying that October 31st comes soon so all this stress can melt away. I have to eat better so I'm taking time making meals and cleaning the kitchen. I've sacrificed workout time to fit that in, along with the headache of meal planning and grocery shopping (I'm a stranger to healthy meal planning--there is a huge difference). But I need workout time too. I'll figure out a way soon--just not this minute! As long as I'm doing something right everyday, I think that's a good sacrifice for the next two weeks.

Day 120--Week 17 (plus one day)

333.4 pounds; -.2 pounds this week; -15.4 total pounds.

Meals
1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk

5 slices pizza l/o
1 cup Coke
2 cups of water

3 oz baked lemon and rosemary chicken breast
1 1/2 cups asparagus
1/2 cup onions
2 tsp Becel margarine
1 cup blackberries, raspberries, strawberries
4 cups of water

1 1/2 cupcakes (pumpkin with cream cheese frosting & apple with cinnamon frosting--homemade)
2 Oreo cookies

Exercise
None

Notes:
-This is the last of my incredibly busy time. October 31st, after 10 papers and 2 finals to write, cannot come fast enough.
-Although I made a super healthy dinner, which was delish by the way, I still fit in crap. I felt guilty eating the cupcakes, and Andrew and I came to the conclusion that if they weren't there, we both wouldn't have cared to eat them. Mental note: reduce the amount of crap lurking around to be eaten in the house to avoid the temptation. I still think I get points for making the effort to make a healthy dinner that tasted great. I actually derived my own recipe from a recipe taken from my Skinny Bitch in the Kitch (http://www.skinnybitch.net/) book. I love the message of this book, but I don't believe in getting rid of meat altogether, just trying to minimize the amount I consume.

Day 116-Day 119

Walk Within You

If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,
The moments shared, the mysteries explored, The steady layering of intimacy stored,
The things that made us laugh or weep or sing, The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing, Each giving and each taking,
These are not flowers that fade, Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are. What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you, Be still.
Close your eyes. Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart. I am not gone but merely walk within you.

--Nicholas Evans from The Smoke Jumper

Day 115

~Homework assignment~
Since I have to go shopping, this meal plan will take effect tomorrow.
My more healthy eating plan for the week Friday-Thursday [including only 3 desserts per week, 2 red meat meals-not including left overs-per week (less than 18 oz total), and at least 5 fruits and vegetables per day]:

Friday
L: l/o *red meat
D: Stage West dinner buffet *red meat, *dessert

Saturday
L: Thanksgiving dinner, *dessert
D: l/o

Sunday
L: tuna sandwiches, soup
D: chicken fajitas

Monday
L: l/o
D: Grilled lemon chicken with rosemary, asparagus

Tuesday
L: l/o
D: Salmon, rice pilaf, spinach

Wednesday
L: l/o
D: chicken and biscuits, salad

Thursday
L: l/o
D: Vegetable chicken curry, couscous

Meals
2 bean burritos with sour cream-Taco Bell-l/o
1 cup broccoli and cheese
2 cups of water

1/4 cup semi sweet chocolate chip pieces
1 stick of licorice

1 bowl of multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk
1 banana
2 cups of water

Notes:
-Last meal of the day, exercise, and notes were not recorded.

Day 114

I was poking around online and came across a brochure for the American Institute for Cancer Research (AICR)'s Guidelines for Cancer Prevention http://www.colorectal-cancer.ca/IMG/pdf/AICR_Guidelines_for_Cancer_Prevention.pdf.

The three main guidelines for cancer prevention are:
1. Weight: Aim to be a healthy weight throughout life.
2. Physical Activity: Be physically active everyday, in any way, for 30 minutes or more.
3. Diet: Choose mostly plant foods, limit red and avoid processed meat.

The brochure explains that a healthy diet helps fight cancer, as well as exercise through regulating hormones directly fights cancer. Both of these factors also help control weight, so they have double the impact in helping prevent cancer.

I'm so very interested in living a healthy life with the goal of preventing cancer and heart disease. Although there is a genetic component that increases my risk of developing both of these, lifestyle plays a huge role in prevention.

How have I applied this to my life?

I look back at the guidelines and what races through my mind are messages that I do not like: you're exercising, you're really trying to lose weight, you're eating healt...
The end of that word was supposed to be 'hily, as in, "you're eating healthily." I am not.

I thought starting this blog and having this accountability would help push me and motivate me to do everything right, to make sure everything was in place, to be a perfect example. I have the worst eating habits ever! This is not a new realization, but I find that through the weeks I become complacent, and I feel like I have the luxury or the entitlement to eat some ice cream everyday because I love it. Then as I sit here right now I think about the hundreds of calories I pack away, no less nutrient starved sugar & fat, that I'm putting away daily. I feel as if I'm just inviting the cancer to move in, rent free.

How can I be so terrified of getting cancer, yet allow myself to put these things in my mouth? I don't think it's a question of want...as in a recent previous post, it's a question of that stowaway to want: do. I'm not doing anything to ensure I don't get trapped by my laziness and willingness to allow myself to have these bad foods AND to not introduce more good foods.

I'm not a natural cook, and recipes like vegetables and lentils for every meal of everyday does not appeal to me. I am a meat lover--give me a fillet Mignon, blue, and I'm in heaven. I do not like all that fake veggie meat; I'd rather just eat veggies. I just don't know how to prepare grains and veggies as a main meal. It doesn't make sense to me in my meat and potatoes head.

What's my plan? I'm going to search for recipes and suck it up. If I have to start with veggies and lentils for the next month, then it's a start. Yes, I want to enjoy my food, but I think it's more important to start somewhere healthy and then try to modify it after the fact. I could grow to love these lentils, beans, and grains; I am open to the possibility, I'm just scared of failing. My fear has kept me from so much that I'm learning that I just have to jump. Take that leap and try, try, try, try, try. A little pat on my back here--heck I'm jogging now and NEVER thought that possible. That's pretty decent motivation. :)

So-1. Maintaining a healthy weight...that will come with continuing my exercise and fixing my diet.
2. Getting physical activity...I'm so close. The guideline says "everyday." I'll make a very big effort to push on those days I want to relax. I can take a stroll--it counts. It may not be vigorous exercise, but it's light exercise. It's moving my body, my blood, my breath.

3. Choosing mostly plant foods and limiting red meat...This is my struggle. My homework assignment is to make a meal plan for the next week, and begin to include more plant based meals, and eating ice cream less. What does this mean? I can have 3 desserts next week. I can have 2 red meat dishes next week. I'm going to get in my 5 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday.

Wish me luck.

Meals
1 bowl honey nut Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

1 can of spaghetti
4 English muffins
4 tsp Becel margarine
4 cups of water

1 small pumpkin pie blizzard

2 bean burritos with sour cream--Taco Bell
1 fries supreme
1 chicken chalupa
2 cup of water

Exercise
50 minutes treadmill--3 minutes walking : 2 minutes of jogging
40 minutes lower body machines
15 minutes stretching

Notes:
-I'm jogging. I'm jogging. I'M JOGGING!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 113

I'm not feeling great today. :(

Meals
1 bowl multi-grain Cheerios
1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

2 flour tortillas
3 egg whites
1/4 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
1 slice of back bacon
2 cups of water

5 Swedish meatballs
5 jalapeno poppers
4 artichoke/spinach wontons
1 cup broccoli with cheese sauce
2 cups of water

2 Oreo ice cream sandwiches
2 cups of water

Exercise
55 minutes treadmill--walk 3:50, jog 1:10
35 upper body free weights and machines
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-None

Day 112--Week 16--Month 4: October 2009

Monthly Measurements:

Weight (as compared to last week): 333.8; -.6 pounds this week; -15.2 total pounds

The following measurements are compared to Week 8; two months ago:
Body: 49.5-50.5-66.5 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -2.5, -3.5, -1.5 total
Arm: 18 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -1 total
Thigh: 35 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -.5 total
Calf: 20 inches; stayed exactly the same/no change this month; -.5 total

Top size: 3X; no change; -1X total
Bottom size: 4X-5X; no change; -.5X total
Ring size: 8; slightly looser

BMI: 53.9; +.7 this month; -1.6 total; current goal 29.9
-------------------------------------------------------

I completely skipped over Month 3, or 12 weeks, and I forgot that I was going to start doing my monthly measurements on the first of the month. So, here I am a little late for October, but measurements, none the less.

I'm completely floored that I have not changed any inches, more correctly, floored that I'm not bigger. While being on vacation, I did gain weight, but my muscle mass has balanced that out by weighing more but not having any more inches? For every measurement, I'm exactly what I was 2 months ago.

I'm not happy that I weigh 4 more pounds than I did 2 months ago. I know I've not been great with my food and I'm battling a 5.6 gain, and I know this is exactly the reason why I'm not losing as fast as I'd like. My measurements do motivate me more though because for the simple reason that I've not gained inches and I have gained weight proves to me that I am getting stronger and my body is changing. I just need all this fat to melt around my muscles.

By the way, every muscles on the back side of me, and my chest, hurt! I tell you, that TRX is a monster.

Meals
1 bowl of multi grain Cheerios
1 cup of skim milk
1 banana

3/4 cup corn
1 1/2 cups of mashed potatoes
2 tbsp Becel margarine
2 cups of water

3 cups of water

1 12 inch sub on honey oat bread
pepperoni, salami, ham, white cheddar
lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red onion, pickles, olives
1 line of light mayo
2 lines of southwest sauce
4 cups of water

1 Oreo ice cream sandwich
1 Rolo ice cream sandwich

Exercise
30 minutes treadmill: jog 1:10, walk 3:50, repeat
45 minutes iron reps weight class

Notes:
None

Day 111

General Conference was this weekend and typically we just watch the Sunday morning session. Most of the time it's because we're busy with things on Saturday and honestly forget, because on a Saturday night right before bed we think about what time we need to wake up, setting our alarm clocks for the next day and realize, oh, it's Conference. This weekend didn't go like that because we were planning on a Conference and appetizer extravaganza on Sunday with SIL and BIL, but as my last post says, we actually needed to do things during the day taking up our Saturday conference time. I would like to see a Saturday session for once in my life, lol, so hopefully I can be more diligent in that come April.

Luckily we have a TiVo type appliance that I always refer to as TiVo since everyone knows what that is and I don't have to explain was a PVR is; plus it's not as cool to say, "I PVR'd something" as it is to say, "I TiVo'd it." PVR=personal video recorder. As I was saying, luckily we were able to TiVo Conference allowing me to make my TRX
(http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/reallife/story.html?id=eff17460-6d18-4dd4-8ab1-b3fb987e3665) class at the gym. I love love love the TRX. By the end of 45 minutes, I'm so drenched in sweat and my muscles are so shaky that this morning I started involuntarily crying. Who does that?! I don't know what happened, but at the end, I realized I'm finally done and I did it. I did everything, every rep, everything. It wasn't obvious to anyone else because we were all crying from every sweat pour, and everyone's face was as beet red as the next, but for a second I had real tears. This workout is so intense.

Anyway, so I got home and showered, and we finished up all of our last minute food preparations, and then buffet time ensued. SIL and BIL brought over the yummiest spinach dip with bread, and delicious chicken wrapped in chili and brown sugar bacon. Mouth watering. Andrew and I provided tiny pizzas, veggies and dip, deviled eggs (of course), and a fruit salsa with homemade cinnamon chips. I love appetizer days! Who doesn't love a buffet from the comfort of your own home? We finished Conference and then moved on to continue watching Season One of Heros that we're slowly picking away at, episode by episode. At this point, I'm hooked and at the end of each episode, we're always craving more. We borrowed one DVD to catch up on last week because of course, SIL and BIL couldn't wait for us, so we had 5 or 6 to watch within that week. It took us all of Monday night to catch up! Andrew got home from work and we watched all the episodes until bed. So productive, I know, but so worth it!

This whole weekend was about family and food. What could be better?

Meals
1 English muffin pizza: 1 English muffin, 1 tbsp pizza sauce, 2 thin slices back bacon, 2 tsp pineapple, 2 tbsp mozza and cheddar cheese
3 bacon wrapped chicken pieces--bite size
3 deviled eggs
1/2 cup cucumber
2 tbsp sour cream dip
1/3 cup fruit salsa
1 flour tortilla with cinnamon sugar (cinnamon chips)
approx 3/4 cup ripped bread
1/3 cup spinach dip
5 all dressed chips
2 cups of water

2 chocolate chip cookies
2 cups of water

4 English muffin pizzas
2 all dressed chips
2 deviled eggs
3 chocolate chip cookies
4 cups of water

1 A&W cream soda

Exercise
45 minute TRX class

Notes:
-As much food as I had, it was a struggle not to eat twice that amount. I had my one plate, and didn't go back for more. It was so delicious, but after seeing how many dips, sugars, and fats were on the table, I felt kind of guilty that I had just done this amazing workout and now I was going to feed myself silly. I so wanted to eat 2 or 3 plates worth, but the one plate I had was so good and I ate it slowly enough that it did the job. My mouth is watering thinking about those bacon wrapped chicken bites. mmmmm

Day 110

We spent the better part of the day cleaning this messy house--what's been piling around the renovations. Andrew's been putting in our kitchen floor for awhile now, but it's finally done and it looks amazing! I'm very happy with the results! My poor husband was on his knees for 4 hours which resulted in a numb side of the leg, but to have it finally finished is a weight off both of our shoulders (and worth it a little bit?--I'll have to check with him on that one).

Andrew's parents were visiting SIL and BIL, actually more accurately they were probably just there to visit their grandchild :), so on their way back to their house they asked to stop in and visit with us. The games was on so we thought, perfect--BBQ and Andrew could watch the game with his dad, which he loves to do so much. The rib dinner was fantastic if I do say so myself. Earlier in the day in preparing the meals, Andrew and I made Nire's chocolate chip cookies together. That was fun because Andrew was the one who actually did all the mixing of ingredients and all I did was put them on the parchment paper and tossed them in the oven. It was so cute to see my hubby taking an interest and helping me out baking cookies! He totally touches my heart in the smallest little acts and he doesn't even know it. The night ended beautifully, and I couldn't believe my eyes as we all started cheering as our Flames won in the last minute after Khabibulin (the Oiler's goalie) handed it to us on a silver platter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us8XC-Nfm14 I feel sorry for the poor guy, but it sealed a victory for us and continued a great start for the season.

Oh and I have to say to Nire, Andrew and I agree that they are the best chocolate chip cookies in the world.

Meals
1 A&W cream soda

4 cups of water

7 honey garlic bonanza back ribs
1/2 cup mashed potatoes with 1 tbsp herb & spice cream cheese
1/2 cup corn
1/4 cup imitation crab cocktail
6 homemade chocolate chip cookies
4 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-Yeah, with food today I kept planning on eating but then had to do this one thing first which translated into me not eating all day until all was done and we sat down to dinner. Ugh

Day 109

Another day of cleaning has started...
--------------------------------------

Posting late and can't remember this far back.

Day 108

I'm beginning to address my hoarding issues. I'm not as bad as the people on TV, but everything the interventionists talk about with the hoarders, I see in me. It's difficult to throw out anything that's been given to me, or that I've purchased for some future purpose. The two worst offenders are (one) the countless sentimental items that I've accumulated over the years given to me by important people in my life, and (two) "craft stuff."

Let me address the "craft stuff" first. You'll see on TV how these people have countless bags--unopened bags--of all this stuff that they've compulsively bought because perhaps they have a hobby and felt that they needed it, and it must be purchased because it was a good deal and on sale. I am notorious for going to, dare I speak the M word, Michael's, and walking up and down the scrapbooking isles (which after my cake decorating classes now recently include cake decorating isles) looking for sale items or something pretty that I will need later. I'll pack the cart-over dramatic-I'll load the cart with these items that I can't stand to be apart from because it excites me of all the creations I can make. Then I see that I'm potentially about to spend hundreds of dollars that we don't have, so I take an exaggerated amount of time deciding what stays and what can go and put away most of my cart ending up only having spent a hundred dollars, and I feel accomplished like not only do I have these amazing bargains, but I also had enough restraint to not spend as much as I wanted, and so it's some sort of reward that I get to buy these few items because it's better than not buying half the store. Luckily I've realized this tiny little flaw in myself and the occurrence of my shopping trips have expertly decreased to maybe once every two months versus once every two weeks. Even at the minimum I can say right now that it's not ever really in our budget, but once I'm there it becomes an exception to the rule because I'd never be able get that certain item at that fine price if I don't get it now. I could say with confidence that this is no longer a financial problem that I can't control, but the residual stuff that I've accumulated that's suffocating the space in my house, is a problem. There's nowhere for it to go! So it sits in bags, not being used, not fulfilling it's destiny.

The most asinine thing about this whole collecting of craft stuff is that I have not made one single scrapbook page for myself with any of my thousands of dollars of supplies. I have made countless birthday cards, not to brag but in my opinion--beautiful cards, but the purpose of this stuff was to consolidate all the pictures and scrapbookable items I have so I have a wonderful place for all my most precious memories, so they're not just strewn about haphazardly in another pile, sitting right next to the bag pile of craft stuff. This hurts me to the core that my memories could be depleting and I haven't saved them in time.

Going back to hanging on to those precious, sentimental items I've been given from important people in my life...Here the worst offenders are the countless pieces of jewellery, knick knacks, and gifts either my mother owned, or she gave to me. The very fact that she touched them makes me so attached to these pieces that I would be the worst person in the world to ever part with them or so I believe.

Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer at the age of 44. I was 10 or 11 at the time. She was my everything and she was dying. As I read books or watch movies depicting the last years and months of a cancer victim, I see how weak and how much pain that person goes through. My 10 or 11 year old heart didn't see her struggle and my adult brain cannot prove to myself that it did happen. But nursing school and common sense tells me that it did. I do remember her last week. How vividly do I remember the night she passed, my now 13 year old purposefully induced insomnia sitting up with her all night, colouring a colouring book she promised we'd colour together but never did. We did mom. I coloured for both of us. I was with you at breath 100, 99, 98, 97...

So throughout her struggle to live these last years, instead of doing things she'd never done, going on far away trips (she did make it to her favourite place, La Jolla, a couple of times) what she did was spent her time making lists and preparing these things on her lists, lists of things she needed to prepare for us, her 5 children, before she passed. My mother died when I was 13 years old, entering grade 8, and this is what she prepared for me:
The night of her passing I received a teddy bear with a picture of us and on the back it read something like 'you cannot see or hear me, but teddy and I can see and hear you so give teddy a hug when you're feeling blue and I'll be with you'.
She left a Christmas present for the first Christmas without her.
I received gifts from her on graduating Jr. High school, my 16th birthday, my 18th birthday, high school graduation, my wedding, and I have yet to open gifts for my first child. Each gift came with a card with something written and signed by her.
She spent all her time doing this for me, and my 4 other siblings. She was dying and all she could think about was us.

How do you throw away, just the very phrase "throw away," seems so demeaning--how do you throw away those gifts? How do you throw out all the little figurines she loved to buy me because at one point I was into monkeys and she had to buy me a set of monkeys for my night stand? How do I part with these memories? How do you throw out a broken and useless nativity scene that she bought and we used to put up every Christmas for as long as I remember? How do you fix your own life and get rid of the clutter while not dishonouring a dying woman's last days of picking those things out for you instead of caring for herself? She gave me a hope chest and it's overflowing with these things. These are things I will never wear, and never want to display, but they're things that when I take them out of the darkness, I get to remember how much my mother loved me. But there's so much.

There's so much because I can't decided what gets to stay and what gets to go when you add all the things to this that remind me of Dad. Now Dad was opposite and didn't give gifts very often (I'm talking one gift, maybe once a year) because he didn't believe in spending the money for all this stuff you don't absolutely need. How it worked between them is beyond me. So what I have collected from my dad is mostly paperwork with his name on it: old passports, receipts, poems and letters he wrote, membership cards and driver's licences, lists he made. Because I didn't know much about him, about what made him tick, I have all these things that I can pretend give me a clearer picture of who my dad was on the inside, aside from the abusive alcoholic I grew up with. I have boxes of this stuff.

Then there's little things that take up room because they're delicate. I have a dried lily my littlest brother gave to me on my high school graduation. That was very uncharacteristic of him and one of 3 gifts I have ever received from him. I have a dried rose that my second oldest brother gave me when I pretended I was pregnant in high school for attention and I told him and he was there to support me. I have a fabric bracelet that my oldest brother gave to me when he was on leave from the CCC, or the air force, or jail-I can't remember. 'But he gave it to me and I held onto it. I hold on to things that remind me of my life because it seems everyone in my life leaves.

So how do you part with this stuff? Do I part with this stuff? How do I decide what stays and what goes? This is why it takes me 4 hours to sort through one box, and then have a tickled bag of trash scraps at the end that could easily be mistaken for untouched.

The dilemma is that I want a simple life and I don't want any of this stuff that's creating clutter! I crave clean lines and lightly decorated shelves. I want space to breathe, to think, to move within my own, present, life. I want to feel like I have room to scrapbook instead of walking all over boxes. I want to have a memory, a nostalgic smile, but not every time I open a box forced to relive my life for the next 8 hours shuffling through everything.

I think I know I have to throw out some stuff. It's just deciding what stuff that gives me the anxiety, fear, and subsequent procrastination. sigh

Meals
6 buttermilk pancakes
3 tsp becel margarine
1/4 cup blueberry syrup
1 cup of milk

1 steak and cheddar Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup skim cottage cheese
2 cups of water

2 cups of water

1 can of A&W cream soda
2 pieces cheese pizza stuffed crust Pizza Hut
2 pieces pep & mush thin crust
4 cups of water

1/4 piece frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
-I'm currently cleaning the house room by room in preparation to paint in order to sell our house. I'm also trying to finish up 2 correspondence courses. Here are my excuses for my bad microwaving/fast food diet and non-existent exercise for the last two days. It's just for a few days. I just need the house clean for entertaining over the weekend, then I'll push in some time for myself. I just literally do not have one more minute to fit anything else in. Is that a good excuse for treating my body like crap? No. I feel guilty about it, but I'm not prepared to do anything about it or else my stress with skyrocket. I have to pick my battles and right now, this is not one to dwell on and cry about. I don't have time today. I know that it's only for a few days. I know it's not forever. I know I'm not developing a "bad habit." But as I try to break one, sometimes less than desirable has to be the default.

Day 107

Nasty left over KFC sitting in my fridge, me eating it, and feeling disgusting for admitting it. This is where lazy is going to kill me. Do the work. Okay, well I need to fix why I'm so lazy. Being fat is so easy!

Meals
2 pieces KFC chicken (l/o)
1 cup mashed potatoes and gravy
1/2 cup corn
1 tbsp each macaroni salad, cole slaw, potato salad
2 cups of water

1 spinach, mushroom, and chicken Lean Cuisine panini
1/2 cup cottage cheese
2 slices watermelon
2 cups of water

12 inch turkey, ham, and bacon sub on honey oat bread
lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, red onion
1 line of light mayo
2 lines of southwest sauce
1 can of A&W cream soda
2 cups of water

1/4 frozen chocolate cream pie
2 cups of water

Exercise
None

Notes:
None

Day 106

I felt pretty badly about not going to exercise yesterday, but I was still and today am now in so much pain! I figured I've had my 48 hours of recovery time (I could have done only cardio yesterday anyway) and so I made it to the gym this afternoon despite my pain. I got on the treadmill first and I was getting loosened up and tried my jog again. I did manage to get through 35 minutes but I jogged this time with 4 minutes in between. My legs just felt like they were going to stop underneath me and the last thing I need is to slip up and injure another ankle. I tried pushing but just enough to be safe. Then after the first minute I got a horrible shin splint in my bad ankle leg. I could cry!

I've never had such success jogging like I did last week, and then my TRX workout has never been so intense to push me to so much pain. When I literally could not physically push myself harder than I wanted, I started feeling really badly for myself. I quickly thought that this is stupid to get down on myself for not being the best because doing something is so much better than doing nothing. I'm starting to get these ideas in my head that I want to keep pushing because it felt sooooo great to do so. The light bulb went off and told me that pushing myself out of my comfort zone feels good. It loses the boring feeling and I gain that awesome self mastery sense of strength and power. I would have NEVER thought I could like exercise. Yeah, sometimes I'm not too into it and it makes the time go by so slowly. 'But most of the time, it just feels so good.

My point is I'm super happy that I went today instead of flaking out, succumbing to the pain. Every little good thing I do for myself proves to me that it can be done and nothing bad happens. What was the big fear? Was I afraid of breathing? Afraid of the pain? Afraid that it would be too hard? Afraid that I'll fail and so it will feel pointless? It seems silly now, and so insignificant. I'm so much stronger than I ever knew. Now when I hear previously fat people say If I can do it, you can too, I realize that they're not extra special, or magical, have 17 more free hours a day than me, rich, or naturally athletic. They found that this is something you work at and find a solution to in any situation. Okay, so those people only have one thing on everyone else, and it's that they've listened to 'want' and figured out the definition to succeed: wanting it more than not wanting. I used to think that I wanted it more than everyone; that who dares to say that me, with all my problems, doesn't want it enough. Wanting it more than not is not wanting independently. The more in 'want' is a little tiny stow-away attached to it called 'action.' If you want something you have to act to get it. You can't want and receive without the work.

By wanting it more than not, I have to act--act without excuses, without limitations, without expectations. You have to realize that you may be fat forever and be okay with that. Be okay with yourself. Live in the moment. Accept who you are. Once you've learned to be okay with and start loving yourself, start taking care of yourself. Don't go in with the mindset that you're going to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain date. Once you've discovered that you're worth taking care of yourself and having a great life, you'll do things to improve yourself. You'll eventually drop all that weight by living your life instead of having it ruled by these expectations that never get met.

I love watching TV shows like The Biggest Loser. Sure they exercise 4-6-8 hours a day, but they're also working on their insides. Fix the problem within, you'll see the problem fixed on the outside. For me, it's low self esteem, anger, guilt. But it's through non-judgment of yourself and acceptance that life just opens up and you realize the work is not hard. Don't fear the work. You're worth it.

Meals
1 banana
1 bowl of rice crispies
1 cup of milk

3 cups of water

1 cup split pea soup
6 pretzel crackers
2 tbsp shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups of water

2 pieces original recipe KFC chicken without skin
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup corn
2 tbsp potato salad
2 tbsp macaroni salad
2 tbsp cole slaw
4 cups of water

1 cup homemade peanut butter frozen yogurt
1 banana
1 tbsp nutella
1/4 cup whipped cream
1 cherry
2 tbsp walnuts
2 cups of water

Exercise
35 minutes treadmill walk 4 minutes, jog 1 minute
1 hour upper and lower body machines and free weights, abs
10 minutes stretching

Notes:
-Although I went on a huge rant about all this 'just do it' wonderfulness, I was still in major pain. I got home from my workout and had a headache and my muscles were going to die. I took more pain meds, and convinced Andrew to buy us dinner so I didn't have to move. I craved chicken.