Anyway, weird body, we were doing squats today. In a plie, squat as far down as you can until your bum touches the ground, and then back up. On the way back up, and not even realizing it, my trainer pointed out that my right leg was doing most of the work, and my little left leg was actually coming up off the ground as my right leg compensated for the work. How crazy is that to go my whole life not knowing this?! I knew my left side was a little weaker and I attributed that to being right handed, but wow, my little left leg is a sad, sad story. So my trainer wants to work on getting lefty stronger, so that means more of these exercises that I don't like that work my left side more. Oh joy!
I don't complain too much though. I don't know if they can see it on my face, but almost every workout, I want to cry. I feel the cry coming up. I'm constantly checking myself--what is this for? Because I'm scared I can't do it. I start getting this self doubt that makes me lose my confidence. I feel weak in that brief moment. But I have my life saving stubbornness that gets me though it. I shake off the cry, I breathe deeply, push harder, make it through...and what a reward that feeling of accomplishment gives. I don't care if I fail, I don't care if I fall. What matters is that I pushed beyond that instant of weakness into a moment of greatness. It's affirming to push through.
I always think this is what child birth will be like. No meds...just breathing, meditating, focusing, and pushing through the pain. People on one side say stuff like "why go through the pain when you can get meds and enjoy the experience?" I've been on the fence with this for a long time, always dreaming of the day when I get to make this decision. But then I think of the other side "this is the experience I want to have--pushing myself to do this." The more I work out at the gym, and feel my body get stronger, and feel my breath get fuller, and feel my mind more focused, I think childbearing would be like a physical marathon in its own way. I want to experience that. I want to experience the work and know that I overcame it. Many, most people tell me I'm crazy, but I just feel like it would be one of those physical accomplishments that I want to conquer. Why? Maybe I just want to pat myself on the back for enduring something difficult. I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty or sad that I endured the tough childhood I had. For once, I want getting through pain to result in greatness.
Huh. I think just writing that out has helped make up my mind. Now I just have to get there to get an opportunity to make that decision. I'm doing my bit, now it's up to the Lord. I'm good with that.
-e
-Meals
1 chocolate breakfast bar
1 banana
3 cups of water
1 onion bun (l/o)
3 oz lean ground beef patty
1 cup spinach
1/2 medium tomato
1 slice reduced fat marble cheese
1 cup extra pulp 100% orange juice
2 cups of water
to be continued
-Exercise
10 minute warm up on elliptical
70 minute personal training workout (cardio & strength)
-Notes
My quads don't work. I have jelly legs. Trying to get upstairs to go to the bathroom was a challenge. I'm so glad. It means I worked!
