Day 266: (Week 38) 100 Day Count Down

314.2; -2 pounds since Week 34 (4 weeks ago); 34.8 total pounds lost

As you can see in this last month I've lost 2 pounds. Yikes.

It's not even a little upsetting to see that it's only 2 pounds. I'm not in denial that I worked super hard and am entitled and deserving to have lost 10 pounds or something like that. I really did not focus on myself. I know exactly why I didn't lose much. I know exactly what I did, remembering all the fast food I've eaten, the every cancellation email I wrote to my personal trainer burned into my memory. Excuses passed, I know why I'm here and I take responsibility for that. Do better today. I'm not going to wimp away on my 2 pound loss either. I moved and ate fast food for a month, and didn't work out but I lost 2 pounds anyway. Why? Probably for passing many times of fries and cokes, though not all times. Probably for ordering one hamburger instead of two, all the times. I'm not perfect. I'm not a healthy nutritionist. But I'm always conscious of my decisions and if I'm going to make bad ones, I'm going to try to make them not as bad. I don't have to be all or nothing. I can go to fast food and I can eat a salad. I'll take the salad with grilled chicken and the whole packet of dressing if it means I'm passing on the burger and fries. Maybe soon I'll talk about healthy alternatives at the drive through. I've sure had my share of practice this past month!

I'm talking about eating fast food and not working out, and what's coming to my mind is fatty on the couch packing away the greasy calories and watching TV in my yoga pants. I hope this impression is not what you're getting. I've been BUSY moving, busy eating salads with my hamburgers, and busy being active just not at the gym. This is why I was still able to lose weight, albeit not a significant drop in the bucket. So don't think because life gets busy you can throw it all away. There's still health to think about--it just wasn't my TOP priority this month. Have faith--there's no falling off the wagon anymore. Feel free to live your life making better choices and accepting failures. I hope this doesn't get tiring to hear, because it's what I've learned to be the truth and it helps me to hear it occasionally.

Today is Day 266. There's 99 days left until I've been doing this for one year. It feels like another milestone--another refreshing jolt to refocus, reflect. I have my personal training session tomorrow, something I've missed for two weeks. I think eating a healthy dinner tonight and starting tomorrow with a heavy workout will be a good way to re-energize sore jointed, bloated me. Now that the move is behind, it's time for me to move my behind!

-e

Meals

1 cup OJ extra pulp, vitamin D and calcium enriched

1 1/2 cups mixed fresh fruit (cantaloupe, blueberries, honeydew, pineapple)

2 cups of water

1 lean pork chop

1/2 can low sodium cream of chicken soup

2 TBSP non-fat sour cream

1 boiled onion

7 baby red potatoes roasted in olive oil with light garlic salt and pepper

2 cups of water

bag of M&M's

Exercise

25 minute walk dog around the block

25 minute walk dog around the block

(to be continued)

Notes

I forgot to mention since we moved in a little over a week ago, I've been getting over an hour a day of leisurely walking the dog around the block. Not having a fence for the dog to run around has required us to move more. I'm actually enjoying what I thought was going to be a real chore. I could stand not having to spend 5-10 minutes each time afterwards rinsing off his muddy paws (thanks Spring) but I'm used to it now. Normally we would play tug-of-war with him inside and take him to the dog park where I could just stand for a half hour if I wanted and let him play around. I think it's been good on B, and for Andrew and me to be able to spend more time with him. I love our new neighborhood too where I feel safer, so I imagine the fence going up in the summertime won't impede these daily walks that we're growing so fond of.

Day 239-Day 265: (Weeks 35-37) Moving

For the first two weeks I was gone, I really don't have a reason why I wasn't around other than that of getting ready to move. These last two week have been full of the move.

I was moving...

It's been a very stressful time. A couple of weeks I haven't even had access to my computer. I kind of dropped off the face of the earth, but I'm still here.

The house is amazing. I'm enjoying every corner, room, counter, toilet, window. Because we're built in a new development, our property has yet to be graded due to the frozen ground. We expect we'll get our top soil starting sometime next month, and following that a fence, some grass, and everything else that will make life even more fun to live.

Our now huge basement has lots of room for us to move around to work out in. I'm able to have my treadmill, hypocycloid trainer, and bowflex, all set up and ready to use. It's just setting them up that's going to be the tricky part. There are still boxes--boxes everywhere. This is the project for the the next month. Finding an area to set up the "gym."

Speaking of the gym...I have taken two weeks off. The first week I was just overwhelmed with my responsibilities getting our house in order to move. There's a lot that goes in to sorting, packing, stuffing, taping, and playing tetris in the living room. I'm so relieved to be done that part! Last week, after the move I had injured my knee from 3 days of carrying this body up and down flight after flight of stairs lifting a range of light to heavy boxes. A day after we moved in I took B for a walk outside since he can't go "out back" yet since we don't have an "out back" and he saw a puppy neighbor and pulled me through the mud suddenly twisting my ankle. I thought my leg joints were going to fire me. I had put them through Hell these past couple weeks.

After some good massage therapy, I think I'm ready to go back to the gym. I've built up a fair amount of fat reserves, binging on the pizza at 12:30am, and the left over hamburger breakfasts. I'm still not a master at this whole food preparation thing, not even a novice. I have to admit during the move, I threw away everything for me and focused on the work. Now it's time to focus on me again, and maybe one day I'll learn how to balance both so I'm not playing catch up, yet once again.

I'm excited to get my at home gym ready. Once July comes, my membership comes up for renewal. I'm sorry to say I'll have to not renew now that we're playing responsible and paying a mortgage again. I'm blessed that I have had the opportunities to learn what I have. I still have 5 good months of the gym-gym, and about 40 more personal training sessions. It will be one solid 5 months to focus and get me ready to do this on my own. I'm a little scared, but it is what it is. It's also an opportunity to talk about the differences of being spoiled at a gym versus doing it at home. I embrace the challenge!

There aren't many people that comment anymore, and no I'm not fishing for comments...what I'm saying now is I cared at first about what people thought, but now I don't. I'll keep writing for me and using this as another tool for success. So go me! This writing has helped immensely and it's everything that's changed my way of thinking about how important it is for me to be healthy. 34.8 pounds down is 34.8 pounds lighter (and healthier on the inside) than I was if I never started this thing. Being a healthier me is all the accolade and validation I need! To those of you who do continue to read or are new to reading, my only hope is that you can learn from my mistakes, and take any good you find in this and apply it to achieving your own health goals. We CAN do it. We WILL do it. Just DO it a little bit each day, a little progress along the way.

-e

Day 238: (Week 34) Chicken and Shrimp Green Fry

316.2; -1.8 pounds this week; 32.8 total pounds lost

What a feeling it is to be over that thirty pound milestone. It means that I've actually lost at least 30 pounds, and that extra goody someday won't tip me over and put me back in the 20's. 'And I will never go back.

I made up a delicious recipe a few months ago that we're having again tonight. It's a stir fry and I usually view stir frys as a casserole. Just put in whatever and it's good! Tonight's stir fry is:

Chicken and Shrimp Green Fry

2 heads of bok choy

2 cups of spinach

1 head of cabbage

2 broccoli crowns

2 celery sticks

8 baby carrots

1 yellow onion

1 can of water chess nuts

1 pound of chicken breast

30 pre-cooked sprimp without the tail

ginger

garlic

olive oil

4 TBSP stir fry sauce

I'm no gourmet chef or anything so forgive my rudimentary cooking skills and methods, but what I do is put about 2-3 TBSP olive oil, about 1TBSP each garlic and ginger in a pre-heated wok. I let that get hot so the olive oil runs in the pan like water. I chop up the onion, carrots, and celery and saute them in the oil, making sure to stir it frequently to avoid burning (because smoking olive oil is no good!). I dice up the chicken and add to the wok. Once the onions are browned and the chicken is no longer pink, I chop up the bok choy, spinach, broccoli, and cabbage and add it to the wok with about 1/2 cup water, and put a lid over the wok (doesn't need to fit, just fit over the vegetables and sitting on top of it is what I do). I let the greens wilt. This takes about 10-20 minutes (I think--haven't done this for a while!). Add water as needed but not so that it's wet--just to prevent burning. When the greens are wilted, I add the water chess nuts, shrimp, and stir fry sauce and stir until it's evenly coated and heated. This deliciousness is spread on a bed of brown rice and dinner is served. It usually makes about 4 servings depending on how much green I put in, depending on what greens needs to be used, etc.

Now that your palates are salivating, after I make it tonight I will update this recipe and re-post the exact way I did it. This had got to be one of my favourite healthy Chinese dinners that I know how to cook (albeit poorly, it tastes amazing!).

Dessert tonight will be either a frozen strawberry fruit bar, or a frozen peach and white tea fruit bar. I've been having them over the weekend, and they are soooo good!

So, healthy dinner and dessert planned...check!

"Just for today," I'll make a better choice--32.8 pounds later and I think it's safe to say it's working. ;)

-e

Day 237: These Are The Weekends

This has been the first weekend free from worry and stress, anxiety, and panic. Of course I'm talking about house stuff again. Do I have any other life at the moment?

We've had a lazy weekend full of nothing but games, church, and family time. These are the weekends we're looking forward to when there's no worry if our house will sell. These are the weekends that will be filled with a whole lot of whatever we want to do. These are the weekends we've been working so hard for.

These are the weekends we love.

Day 232-Day 236: Almost Sold

As it stands we're still waiting on the conditions to come off our house to insure it's really "sold." The waiting is horrible. All I want to do is start phoning all the utilities we need changed over, and forwarding the mail. I don't dare until we're sold. What a mess it would be to have no heat because I couldn't wait.

I went through the preliminary walk through of our new house on Thursday. The previous night, knowing Andrew couldn't be there during work hours on Thursday with me, we went through and tagged 48 things that needed to be addressed, from dents or scratches that needed to be gone over to the cigarette burn in our windowsill. sigh

We are NON-SMOKERS yet our brand new, "never-been-lived-in-house" has a nice little cigarette burn mark on the spare bedroom windowsill. We were both livid. Here we thought we were buying brand new, and hundreds of thousands of dollars later we're going to be moving in to a home that on this day, appeared "used." Not impressed. Luckily it didn't smell, but after that burn everything we saw lost it's new feeling.

On the walk though the burn was addressed. As with many things, the inspector was pointing things out to me that Andrew and I had spoke of the night before. This was interesting! We thought our house was going to be what we saw then, but Shane assured us this was the "rough draft" and the reason why we have the preliminary walk through weeks before possession date--so they have an opportunity to go throughout the house and pick out the details that need to come up to the standard they pride themselves on. These trade workers are just workers, contracted to work for Shane. So Shane, from my understanding, goes through with a fine tooth comb, and picks out everything that needs to be changed. Apparently on February 26th, 3 weeks from now, we'll be going in to our new home on final inspection and possession day, and seeing the house as we'll move in, appearing brand new, and never been used before.

I would be skeptical of their optimism for priding themselves on this standard we weren't introduced to on the prelim inspection if it weren't for inspector who also pointed out things that Andrew and I missed (how could that be?!). I now have faith that things will be taken care of--every detail. The project manager walked through with us too, and addressed the cigarette burn issue. He said that person who was smoking and left his evidence has been "severely dealt with." Although I don't want to see anyone lose his job over a mistake (we're all human), I hope he understands that rules were meant for a reason and he must follow them. He jeopardized our impression, time, labour, and money. "Ooops" is a bit of an understatement.

'Looking forward to the final draft in 3 weeks. Praying the home inspection on this house passes to make that happen.

This week, although not really busy with labour intensive work on the house, was busy none-the-less. I did, however, work out EVERYDAY which I'm very proud of. Hopefully I did enough to reflect great numbers next Monday. I have a little goal with my trainer that I'll lose another 19 pounds before I see my family again so I can go tell them I've lost 50 pounds (a sort of milestone number). I'm working a bit more having exercised everyday this week, but I can always step up my game. I have 7 weeks. Ms. says nutrition will be key to attaining this goal. This is my challenge and I'm so excited to beat it!

e

Monday--60 minute step and pump class

Tuesday--25 minutes walk/jog on treadmill: 2 min @3.4 to 1.5 min @4.2; 60 minutes personal training

Wednesday--40 minutes walk/jog at the dog park IN THE SNOW: approx 3 min walk to 1 min jog

Thursday--60 minute personal training

Friday--25 min walk/jog on treadmill: 2.5 min @3.4 to 1 min @4.2; 60 minutes hatha yoga

Day 231: (Week 33) A Nice Surprise

318.0 pounds; -1 pound this week; 31 pounds lost total

As if by magic, here the Lord blesses us with a nice surprise. Andrew went in to work this morning and wouldn't you know...in his email was an offer from our Realtor.

After a few counter-offers we came to a deal. Our Realtor came by the house tonight and at 6:15pm we entered into the agreement, our home c/s, and waiting for conditions to be lifted in 9 days on February 10th! The only conditions were standard--buyer financing and passing the home inspection. Sometime this week, the house has to stay in perfect condition for the home inspection and after the 10th, we go to our builder and sign a change of possession. Our new house is basically ready already. When we sign the change, we'll be moving in a little over 3 weeks on February 26th.

From start to conditional finish, our sale took 3.5 days. FAST! We've been worried about selling as we must take possession of our new house by April 29th, but having everything fall into place puts us in our new home 2 months earlier than we expected--just in time to celebrate Andrew's birthday, and have many hockey play-off BBQ's.

One thing I can say for sure about selling a house is if you want it to sell fast, it doesn't have to be the cheapest property on the block. Out of 3 homes on our street, we were in the middle--not cheapest, not most expensive. I'm certain what sold us was the fact that we were the best house on the block. I'm patting myself on the back a little here, but our house is move-in ready. It was staged beautifully and made the buyers feel that they can just come in and live without having to change so many things to make it comfortable. This was the market we were aiming for, this is the market that bought. We made enough money to be satisfied with accepting the offer, and I believe all will be happy with everyone's decisions. So if you want to sell fast, sell AT market, and make sure your home feels move in ready. This is how we sold in 3.5 days. Be willing and ready to accept a little less than you listed for, as everyone tries to get the best deal and it's pretty standard. Oh, and pray A LOT. Have faith, the Lord is on your side.

We've been so blessed throughout this whole process. Yes, we've had many days without the gym, almost every night of fast food, but we're making good decisions along the way and working our tails off getting this house ready. It's all about balance. I've come to terms with not being able to make it to the gym and that painting and cleaning is workout enough. Hey, I even lost a pound this week just working hard on the house. I can't complain. Life happens and you need to be flexible. Selling our house gave me a crash course in this lesson.

I did make it to the gym anyway today, as I went I had no idea we had the offer yet. I came home and got the good news from Andrew. You just fit the good things in to your life, making it your lifestyle. It can be done no matter what obstacles get in the way. Believe me, this has been one of the most stressful times in my life. I'm still managing to change my body. This gives me so much personal strength. Life is good. What a nice surprise.

-Meals

1 chicken taco

1 cup skim milk

3 cups water

2 pieces sourdough toast

1 tbsp peanut butter

1 orange

2 cups of water

6 cheese puffs

2 cups of water

4 slices frozen pizza

2 cups of water

-Exercise

60 minute step and pump class

-Notes

Like I said, eating has been mostly fast food, or convenience foods. I had a good talk with my personal trainer about better choices out, eating just the chicken and veg in a chicken burger, eating a salad with just a little dressing, etc. I am not perfect and have been eating crap, but at least it's not a LOT of crap right? I guess no, but it is what it is. I'm not the perfect example of health. I'm a darn good example of being self-aware and trying though. I can't beat myself up over that now can I? I will try better this week though. I'm craving real vegetables!

Day 227-Day 230: Busy

These days have been filled with busyness. I fell under the weather a day or two before and so that was hampering all our progress on the house. We signed with the Realtor last Saturday and hadn't formally put the house on the market because we still needed to paint a few doors and clean out the basement so you could at least walk in it. After mornings of going back to bed after taking Andrew to the train, I would get up enough strength to paint one door or to pack one box. I'm not sure what struck me--maybe my immune system was just fed up with the late nights, early mornings, and constant stress companion. It just gave up. I finally started feeling better a few days later and was able to finish the house. We finally called our Realtor and told him no matter what, list us Friday, fully knowing that someone might come for a showing at any time and we had to be ready.

Friday morning came around and I was up early. Outside I heard a truck stop by our house, and sure enough 7am, our for sale sign was posted.

We had one showing Saturday afternoon, and one Sunday evening. Each day I spent 2 hours cleaning the house top to bottom, even when it didn't need it, I still dusted off any particle that might be seen edge-ways. I made sure to wipe the condensation off the windows, and mark perfect vacuum lines on the still new carpet.

No offers came in after the showings, but then again what was I expecting? A miracle offer immediately after the showing? I had to be realistic and at least wait for them to sleep on it. After spending the hour during Sunday's showing at the dog park in -10 Celsius weather, I was ready to be home, warmed up with hot chocolate, and have an end to the showings for the weekend. It's been stressfully busy, but we survived.

Day 225-Day 226: Homeless

When you're fixing to sell a house there's little time for anything. No time to eat, or exercise, or snuggle with your loved ones, or take a bath. All there is to do is clean the house, tidy the house, paint the house, de-clutter the house, sanitize the house, sign papers about the house, all the while living within the house, and eventually all this work just to say good bye to the house. In the end, there's usually a bigger house on the other side, a cleaner house, a newer house, a house you'll call home to for so much longer than you did the first, the house with a garage (finally), the house where you have your fresh start.

It's difficult to be excited about the new house when your life is consumed by your current house. There's the pressure to sell as this house is financing the down payment for your new house, so you want to make the best possible first impression for potential buyers so they don't have a reason to walk away. The house, YOUR house that you're living in is no longer your house but a piece of property you're selling. Your pictures are down, your comforts are packed away. Short of living out of a suitcase, you're now a stranger in the house you called home for so long, and it's finally in the best condition it's ever been in and now you can't enjoy it.

Your house is no longer yours. The potential buyers, whether you or they know it or not, are allowing you to stay in their house now. You want them to feel comfortable in their new house when they come to look at it, not awkward as a guest in your house. You're now the guest living in your beautiful old house for the next 2 months or so. You should have said "good bye" months ago to avoid feeling this emptiness.

'And your new house isn't yet done. So you visit your new house, still vacant, floor-less, echoing. It's still the builder's house, empty coffee cups and Gatorade bottles thrown on the ground--not remotely placed anywhere with purpose that you would take such care to set. In a sense, you're homeless. Not trying to compare that to the devastation of actually being homeLESS, but there isn't really a comfortable spot to call your own, something you've known within these walls, for so long.

Then I get sick and I want to curl up and sleep all day. But the home owners may be here to visit soon. I have to pick up the last of my crap so their house is perfect, being a respectful guest. I have no comfort. I have no carefree ease that I'm accustomed to. I miss my house, yet I can't wait to say good bye to it. We're here at the end and I just want it to be over.

-Meals

3 oz roast

1 can spaghetti

2 cups skim milk

2 cups of water

4 slices of whole grain bread

2 slices reduced fat cheddar cheese

2 slices skim swiss cheese

1 cup tuscan tomato soup

2 cups of water

1 can citrus green tea

3 shortcake cookies

-Exercise

None (today)

30 minutes walk/jog (yesterday)

60 minutes personal training of cardio and strength (yesterday)

-Notes

I'm finding it difficult to keep up with posting every day because of the time commitments I have with everything involved in the move. Hopefully this will be short lived. Hopefully.

Day 224: (Week 32) Sick Foods Feeds Sick

319.0 pounds; -0 pounds this week; 30 pounds lost total

The good?

After a week of torture, not gaining any weight is a small victory.

The bad?

I feel like hell.

There is a definite difference in how your body feels when you stuff it full of calories and fattening, non-nutritious foods versus whole, fresh, delicious, healthy foods. My body is lethargic, my muscles are achy, sick-achy; my head is stuffy and unclear, my eyes are watery and heavy. I'm not describing cold or flu symptoms, but my normal body symptoms from a week of abuse. If anyone has seen SuperSize Me, I'm sure you can relate to the sick, overstuffed and pukey feeling Morgan was experimenting with--and I imagine I'm now feeling a bit of how Morgan felt after a month of Micky D's abuse. Granted, Andrew and I weren't stuffing ourselves, but having processed foods for a week straight really messes with the nice balance I was feeling.

I skipped the gym this morning after telling a friend I would see her there. Why? I just didn't want to go. I got ready, took Andrew to the train, and came home for breakfast before I was to head out. Instead, I sat on the couch with my salad, and watched TV. At least I was eating a salad. At least.

I just don't have the energy to face going to the gym. I have that I'll do it tomorrow attitude. I hate that I'm feeling this way.

This is what you get when you neglect yourself. It's not pretty. I just want to sleep, but I have doors to finish painting. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. Bad food feeds this body of crap and keeps you in crap. No wonder it's so difficult to break free from. At least I'm aware of what's going on and recognize that it's not good. I can't believe I used to eat this way and thought it was normal to be lazy and bloated, and figured it was just me. Even at my current weight when I eat good food and exercise regularly, I feel so good. I want my good back. Maybe more sleep tonight on top of my salad this morning will help push me. I have my training tomorrow too, so going back to the gym after a brief vacation always puts me back on top. I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to sick Erica, washing away last week.

Note to self: don't do this again.

-e

-Meals

1 cup spinach

1/2 cup cucumber with skin

1/2 cup cherry tomatoes

1/2 cup whole grain croutons

1/2 cup chicken breast

2 TBSP blue cheese dressing

2 cups of water

forgot to diary the rest

-Exercise

5 hours painting doors

Day 221-Day 223: Almost There

On Saturday, our Realtor came over and we signed papers to sell the house. He talked with us about the selling process, and as always I had a million questions because that's how I roll, and then he took pictures of our beautiful house. Just in time we got enough done that he was able to take enough pictures to post online to hopefully grab a few people to come look at the place. Thursday night I got about 2 hours of sleep, and Friday I got 4 long hours. Finally Saturday we slept 10 hours but woke up this morning feeling like those didn't really count. We made it a short church day, leaving before 3rd hour, to come home to feed our withering bodies, and snuggle in workless comfort - stress abated.

We didn't formally decide to sell on Saturday as there are still a few doors left to paint, and our basement to pack up so it looks more presentable. Our Realtor said the most action is in the first weeks, so we want the house to be completed, putting it off an extra day or two. As long as those papers are signed, all we need to do is call him and give him the "go ahead" and it's official that day. We could expect people at any time.

It will be a bit of an adjustment while we sell, as the house needs to stay in pristine order during this time. We like to leave our couch blankets unfolded, and sometimes the heavier soiled pots to soak overnight. No longer do we have that luxury. Secretly I love the fact that it must be spotless as I would choose an immaculate house any day, and maybe this will keep us in the habit to carry on into our new, untarnished house. I can't wait.

I didn't go to the gym at all this week. We ate fast food every night this week. I wouldn't say it was a total loss as we were working every waking hour. I'm just so very grateful this part is over as we move into the next phase of leaving our house for an hour at a time at the drop of a hat. B's going to get LOTS of walkies. What a fun time for him!

Prayers would be greatly appreciated for the quick sale of our house at a reasonable price. We're starting a bit late maybe for what we should have done, but we've listed a fair market price and have made the house move-in ready. I'm praying for the person(s) that wish to call this house their home to find us in ease and be moved to make that decision.

...time for sleep.

-e

Day 219-Day 220: Are We There Yet?

Word to the wise: please get your home renovations done on time and way before you plan to sell your home. This week has been so exhausting. Every night I fall asleep quickly and soundly, and when Andrew's alarm goes off for work, my eyes take their time to open.

Our project list is dwindling, thank goodness. At the start of this week we had to finish our baseboard installation, paint those nail holes and doors, clean out the tub, and clean the basement. Last night Andrew finished the baseboards (yay!) and yesterday I spent 10 hours cleaning the tub. It started out innocently enough. I've been using industrial cleaners to melt away all the years and years of soap scum that has just been washed, but never removed really. Using a tile and grout cleaner finally proved to be the best. I scrubbed that grout for two hours, getting all the black stains from the corners. Yeah, the mildew is a never ending battle that was here since we moved in and I never had the ability to ever remove it and stains properly. I was feeling pretty good with myself at a nice job I had done. It wasn't looking brand new, but then again this house is 21 years old.

There were a few bits of the grout that had chipped away. I tried raking more of the stained parts. I ended up with a few areas that needed re-grouting. You know, not mixing with the bucket and troweling grout work--just premixed out of a tube, small areas. I began fixing these little areas and noticed my nice new clean white grout sticking out on a bed of yellowing old grout. I couldn't live with that. Tube and me spent the rest of the day going over every line, making the walls of that tub sparkle. I've never seen our tub area shine that white as it shines right now, and I hate myself for it. I could have left the tub hours and hours before, having the minor work on it completed. It was fine. Our house is 21 years old. Now my tub looks brand new. My only hope is that it was worth it in the end. I'm not going to lie--it's amazing how a few dollars of grout in a tube can transform the look and feel of the entire bathroom. 'But it took my whole day, an achy wrist from scrubbing, and bruised sit bones from getting up and down from the side of the tub all day and putting pressure on a small part of my behind. I definitely had a workout!

All that's left is to paint our interior doors, and clean up all the clutter in the basement. We have today and Friday to finish, then our realtor comes on Saturday to take pictures and have us legally selling our home. It's an exciting time and although we don't have a huge to-do list anymore, the 2 things we have to do will take us the entire time to finish. sigh

Deep breaths, LOTS of music, and plenty of breaks. It seems never ending, but I think signing our house away means the end is near...?

-e

-Meals

1 4 oz ground beef patty

1 white bread bun

1 slice cheese

a couple slices of lettuce, tomato, white onion

1 TBSP mayo

1.5 cups strawberries

1 York peppermint 100 calorie sticks

2 cups of water

to be continued

-Exercise

-Notes

I know everyone will hate me for this, but we've been eating out fast food nearly all week. I know I should be taking care of my diet, but I'm in an old habit of getting what's quick and easy when I'm so stressed and there's no time to cook. Honestly, I know this is the excuse, but there is NO time to cook. I'm allowing life to get in the way. At least I realize it and it's only a week.

I cancelled both of my personal training sessions this week, and haven't gone to the gym at all either. I guess it's okay when I make up for it by spending 10 hours cleaning and re-grouting a tub.

Day 218: Procrastination

What's new? We had a plan to list our home on January 4th. Here we are, 2 weeks later, and we're not finished with the little renos we have to complete, and I'm not at the gym working out because I need to squeeze in every minute to get this housework done. Yet, I can update my blog, play around with my Facebook games, and watch an hour of PVR's TV because I couldn't watch it last night, hustling to get our house done. Talk about priorities!

We've got our bedroom and our bathroom baseboards to complete, then painting nail holes and our doors, and cleaning up. It's so close, it's scary to think it's actually coming to an end. I think, wait, what are we missing?! We have to pretend there's so much more to do to avoid the panic that ensues with near completion, or we'll stop all together at 98% and wonder why we're getting sued by our new home builder for not having the mortgage cleared.

In the spirit of defying procrastination, I'm going to keep this short and go work on the house...

-e

-Meals

6 inch ham and Swiss left over Subway sandwich on 9 grain whole wheat

added 1/4 avocado (mmmmm)

1 cup strawberries

2 cups of water

1 can apple green tea

to be continued

Day 217: (Week 31) Milestones

319.0 pounds; -3.0 pounds this week; 30 pounds lost total

Measurements (since last taken on Day 112/Week 16 or 15 weeks ago)

Body: 48-49-64.5 inches; -1.5, -1.5, -2 inches; -4, -5, -3.5 inches total

Arm: 18 inches; stayed exactly the same; -1 inch total

Thigh: 34; -1 inch; -1.5 inches total

Calf: 19.5; -.5 inches; -1 inch total

Neck: 14 3/4 (This is my baseline. I thought it would be interesting to see what an impact losing weight would have on my neck size and sleep apnea, which I'm sleeping so well that I'm sure the severity is greatly reduced.)

Top size: 2x-3x; down 1 size; down two sizes total

Bottom size: 28 plus-sized or snug 4x; down half a size; down one size total

Ring size: loose 8

BMI: 51.5; -2.4 points; -4 points total

THIRTY!!!!!!

I made it to thirty pounds. Thirty was a sort of milestone in the back of my mind that I've been waiting to reach. After going through months of being at a 20-some pound loss, I have wanted to kick this plateau in the butt...and I did!

Thirty pounds is the difference between being at the upper limits of normal for my height (155 pounds) and the lowest level of obesity (185 pounds), according to the BMI. One of my goals is to no longer be "obese" and when I get to that goal weight, thirty pounds will be the amount that I have to lose to be in normal range, my overall goal.

It's been seven months since I decided to make a change in my life. I have these results, and much has changed, although I still have much to yet change. I would have to say my greatest accomplishment is getting to the gym on a regular basis and exercising consistently. I've exercised more in the last 7 months than I have over my entire life. Each pound I lose is now a record for the most weight I've ever lost. My clothes are loose, my pants zip up, and I'm running up and down our stairs (when I'm not sore!), breath still in tact. I'm sleeping so much better; I have more energy during my days. I'm happier day to day; my relationship with my husband is the closest it has ever been.

I look at 30 pounds as such a small number compared to the weight I still have to lose. I also look at 30 pounds as over 1/6th of the way to non-obese Erica. Although I wish it were a larger number at this point (over 7 months) I see it as I am 30 pounds lighter than I was 7 months ago by making small lifestyle changes. By not viewing it as an all or nothing diet, and falling off the wagon to binge, and taking failures as the end all, I have a victory where as before in my last 10 years I've had failure after failure. I am winning! None of this has been too difficult on me. It has been hard work, but it has been manageable, taking little steps and accepting my failures--celebrating my resilience.

When I look at what I haven't accomplished, and feeling badly about not eating perfectly, I have to acknowledge that I'm changing my life slowly and it is happening. I'm a different person than I was 7 months ago. I will take that over never having done anything and being the same pathetic version I was so unhappy with. THIRTY POUNDS!

-e

-Meals

1 cup Kashi Go Lean Crunch

1 cup skim milk

1 cup strawberries

1 can citrus green tea

1 cup spinach

1/2 tomato

1/2 avocado

1/4 cup cucumber

3 oz chicken breast

1 TBSP blue cheese dressing

1/4 cup croutons

2 TBSP reduced fat cheddar cheese

2 cups of water

2 cups of water

6 inch ham and swiss Subway sandwich

lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red onion, pickles, mustard

1 oatmeal cookie

1 white chocolate macadamia nut cookie

2 cups of water

-Exercise

Does a couple hours of housework count?

-Notes

I bought a 12 inch sub and could only eat half before I was full. Usually I'd polish a 12 inch sub, chips, 2 cookies, and a pop. Mmmmm, health.

Day 214-Day 216: Unexpected Events

On Friday night, I was getting the house ready for the huge night of installing baseboards that awaited us once Andrew got off work. He texted me to tell me he was leaving to go get B from day care (B goes to day care once or twice a week for social interaction and a change of habit). About 15 minutes later, he phoned to tell me he had been in an accident. He was okay and nobody else was involved, thank goodness, but the car was no longer drivable.

I phoned day care to ask if it was possible if I was late (I had 30 minutes to get myself ready for outside of the house, make instant phone calls to the insurance company to find out what to do, and make a 20 minute drive to day care) to have B stay the night as they do boarding as well. I ended up making it minutes before closing, so all was good there. Andrew was about 8 minutes away, so I made it to the parking lot where he was.

Turns out, the parking lot is fairly new, as he parks at the zoo for free (as a zoo member--no, not a monkey) to take the train in downtown for work. Most of the lights do not work yet, and the parking lot is really dark. They've been putting up sidewalks and concrete islands. These islands are for future grass in the middle of the curbs instead of filled with concrete. Somehow Andrew hopped the first curb of 4 in a row, each about 2 meters apart, and the airbags went off. After that, the memory is not there as it happened so fast. But Andrew believes that if the airbags hadn't gone off, then that shock wouldn't have been there, and hopping down into the dirt ditch, and back up another curb, and finally into the 3rd curb probably wouldn't have happened. We both agree that it's comforting to know that the airbags did work, but in this instance they were unnecessary.

He got some scrapes on his chin from the airbag, and lots of minor muscle aches. We're waiting for the dealership we had it towed to to appraise it to see what the damages are. The fire department said it was leaking radiator fluid. Because it was leaking, the fire department had to come assess. So we're thinking busted radiator, and perhaps bent chassis, with obvious cosmetic bumper repairs needed. I'm just grateful Andrew was okay.

After our big night, coming home we opted out of doing housework, both a little stunned.

Saturday we had a list of errands to run during the day, and then a fun birthday party for SIL and MIL. We ate out at one of our favourite restaurants, then went back to SIL & BIL's house for strawberry trifle, presents, and visiting. I love family get-togethers. Always an enjoyable time! We still had grocery shopping to do, so we were finally home by midnight, and fell right asleep.

Today, we spent a good 5 hours on baseboards, getting all the main floor completed, going upstairs. We have 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom to complete, and then a little cleaning up here and there and we can finally list this place! It's been a rushed project, but we're learning a lot and getting it done. It feels good seeing the progress.

So food, sleep, and exercise have been out the window all weekend. Here's to a better week, Monday, hopefully no huge surprises that get in the way of getting this house finished. Us procrastinators were supposed to list this house January 4th. We're a little late, but hopefully not too late and we'll still beat the spring rush.

I'm grateful that the Lord has been watching over us in these times. Also grateful that we've been able to have good attitudes about all the bad stuff that could potentially be horrible if we didn't have this amazingly supportive relationship of one another. I can't imagine having gone through these past few weeks with anyone else. What would normally stress me out just has me at a comfortable level to help push me through, and not freeze me up. Maybe it's the exercise, maybe it's a change in attitude. Whatever it is, I have the best life because I'm somehow able to let go of the little things, and think matter-of-"factly" through the bad things, and I'm so grateful for it.

-e

Day 213: Being Active

I had a different training session this morning. 2 out of us 3 girls cancelled this morning, so I got trained by the Ms. solo. I liked the personal attention I got because everything was at my pace--I still got worked, but I didn't feel like I had to keep up with anyone. That's kind of good and kind of bad. I did make sure to push myself just as hard. I missed the other girls because then I don't have to talk as much. I'm a listener...it's hard for me to overcome my shyness around someone I don't know well, but Ms. is so awesome, professional, and someone you can't help but feel comfortable around so it went well.

We did a tug of war, and next time, I plan to have her butt on the ground! lol Then having the ball in between us, I had to push her as hard as I could. Another exercise, I hit a weight on the heavy bag. I totally got all my aggression out and left my workout feeling so happy. I love the feeling of pushing so hard, and just using my body to get all the emotions out physically. Exercise is a good therapist. I've been stressed and Ms. picked up on that. It felt freeing to be able to release all that was inside from the past week of all this reno stress. I still missed my group though. I love the dynamic, all of us pushing hard, trying to keep up with each other (although I feel like it's me keeping up with them, but meh), and they're a fun group so I get some laughs out as well. All in all though, since I had to do this solo, I think it was the best it could have been.

So I come home before the sun is up, workout already done, and did a little "Facebooking" and had to take a nap. I got less than 5 hours of sleep the night before, and less than 7 the night before that. Make fun, but I need 7-8 hours a night still or I'm beat. When I hit that sweet spot though, I do have a wonderful, energy filled day. Sleep is important for recovery!

I've been working out less, maybe an hour 3-4 times a week on average for about a month now. It's really helped with all that fatigue I was having in the earlier days. I think I was over training, or not taking enough calories to compensate, or something. Anyway, I'm going to aim for an hour 5-6 times a week now, as I have a program Ms. gave me to follow, and I want to work out more. It's finding the time to get there.

Ms. reiterated that life will always get in the way, and we'll always have excuses to put off exercise. I get down on myself if I'm not in the gym working out. Painting, installing baseboards, hours on hours of housework count though towards activity. I guess if I'm not at the gym, I shouldn't feel bad that I didn't make it because I was working on the house from sun up to sun down. I still wish I had it in me to be at the gym. It just feels more real and I'm in control of knowing that I am working so much, and I don't have to wonder what counts and what doesn't. Anyway, so that's something I have to tell myself that I need to make sure I'm exercising or being that active everyday in whatever way. Maybe I still don't know what counts as being a healthy, "active" person. I feel like I have a lot of time to watch my shows, but I'm in the gym every other day if not more, for an hour at a time. So am I a couch potato that exercises or am I an active person that watches reasonable amounts of TV? It matters because I want to know if I'm doing enough.

I was beaming telling Ms. that I'm now down 28 pounds from when I started in mid June. That's 7 months now. As I was saying it, I started to feel badly. I wanted it to be more. It should have been more according to my plan. It's not that exciting realizing that's only 4 pounds a month. I guess it's big for me because I've never lost this much before and I'm 28 pounds down from where I was last year, when most years I gain that much. So that's a small accomplishment. I guess it's also a "healthy" rate at 1 pound per week, but it could have been double by now, and still healthy. This just means that I can work harder. I have it in me. 'And this is my real life story. I don't have what they have on The Biggest Loser. I'm not on any fad quick weight loss "diets" like the grapefruit diet, etc. I have started Weight Watchers as a means to help portion control my food intake and get that weekly support from the meetings (which has helped a LOT). But I think I'm trying to do this the healthy way, even when I forget to eat well for days at a time. It's a learning curve. It's breaking 29 years of bad habits. I can't be too hard on myself.

So the house is almost done. I have a feeling I'll be posting pictures very soon, maybe by next week. Wish us luck!

-e

-Meals

1 chocolate breakfast bar

1 banana

1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

2 pieces of sourdough toast

1 tbsp Becel olive oil margarine

1 cup orange juice

1 cup strawberries

2 cups of water

1 meatball sub from Subway on 9 grain bread, toasted

green peppers, red onion, olives, tomatoes, 2 lines of southwest sauce

1 can green tea ginger ale

1 cup water

-Exercise

60 minutes personal training (strength and cardio)

-Notes

None

Day 212: Too Much Stuff

Procrastination, deadlines, memories, attachments, all rolled up into a whole house of stuff.

Someone sign me up for the TV show Hoarders. My limbic system hurts.

-e

P.S. My internal chaos exacerbates my feelings like the house is that bad. Don't be alarmed. This is just a little joke to ease the frustrating stress of renovating and moving. Plus, I love the show so I'm identifying my pack-rat ways with it. ;)

P.P.S. Happy 31st wedding anniversary, Mom and Dad.

-Meals

1 cup of Kahsi Go Lean Crunch

1 cup skim milk

2 cups of water

1 cheese bun

2 slices of ham

2 slices fat free swiss cheese

1 cup of strawberries

1 can green tea ginger ale

3 cups of water

2 slices sourdough toast

4 tsp Becel olive oil margarine

1 cup of strawberries

1 cup skim milk

-Exercise

None

-Notes

I ended up working on the house all day and kept putting off dinner until 2230h. I ended up eating something light before bed because I was starving. 'Try to fit in proper meals even when I'm busy...

Day 211: Pushing Through The Pain

This morning I found how that my left leg wasn't just weaker than my right leg, but that my right leg compensated a LOT for my puny little left leg. I wonder if that's due to babying it all this time since I broke it when I was 3? I have a slight bit of scoliosis so I'm always a bit weird in the way I walk, or how my jeans fit. You would never know it unless you're me, but I know it. To digress, the zipper of my jeans always finds its way about an inch to one side. I'm always having to fidget with them so the button lines up with my belly button. It's really annoying. Also, my one shoulder is lower than my other, making it sometimes a bother to wear a bra.

Anyway, weird body, we were doing squats today. In a plie, squat as far down as you can until your bum touches the ground, and then back up. On the way back up, and not even realizing it, my trainer pointed out that my right leg was doing most of the work, and my little left leg was actually coming up off the ground as my right leg compensated for the work. How crazy is that to go my whole life not knowing this?! I knew my left side was a little weaker and I attributed that to being right handed, but wow, my little left leg is a sad, sad story. So my trainer wants to work on getting lefty stronger, so that means more of these exercises that I don't like that work my left side more. Oh joy!

I don't complain too much though. I don't know if they can see it on my face, but almost every workout, I want to cry. I feel the cry coming up. I'm constantly checking myself--what is this for? Because I'm scared I can't do it. I start getting this self doubt that makes me lose my confidence. I feel weak in that brief moment. But I have my life saving stubbornness that gets me though it. I shake off the cry, I breathe deeply, push harder, make it through...and what a reward that feeling of accomplishment gives. I don't care if I fail, I don't care if I fall. What matters is that I pushed beyond that instant of weakness into a moment of greatness. It's affirming to push through.

I always think this is what child birth will be like. No meds...just breathing, meditating, focusing, and pushing through the pain. People on one side say stuff like "why go through the pain when you can get meds and enjoy the experience?" I've been on the fence with this for a long time, always dreaming of the day when I get to make this decision. But then I think of the other side "this is the experience I want to have--pushing myself to do this." The more I work out at the gym, and feel my body get stronger, and feel my breath get fuller, and feel my mind more focused, I think childbearing would be like a physical marathon in its own way. I want to experience that. I want to experience the work and know that I overcame it. Many, most people tell me I'm crazy, but I just feel like it would be one of those physical accomplishments that I want to conquer. Why? Maybe I just want to pat myself on the back for enduring something difficult. I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty or sad that I endured the tough childhood I had. For once, I want getting through pain to result in greatness.

Huh. I think just writing that out has helped make up my mind. Now I just have to get there to get an opportunity to make that decision. I'm doing my bit, now it's up to the Lord. I'm good with that.

-e

-Meals

1 chocolate breakfast bar

1 banana

3 cups of water

1 onion bun (l/o)

3 oz lean ground beef patty

1 cup spinach

1/2 medium tomato

1 slice reduced fat marble cheese

1 cup extra pulp 100% orange juice

2 cups of water

to be continued

-Exercise

10 minute warm up on elliptical

70 minute personal training workout (cardio & strength)

-Notes

My quads don't work. I have jelly legs. Trying to get upstairs to go to the bathroom was a challenge. I'm so glad. It means I worked!

Day 210: (Week 30) Baseboards

322.0 pounds; -0 pounds this week; -27 total pounds.

Today we installed about 22 of 470 linear feet of baseboards. The picture above is the first foot, where it all started. Obviously we still need to go over and Dap the brads, but we did it and it looks pretty darn awesome for never having done it before.

For all you professionals out there, I've researched baseboard installation and have been told that we're supposed to start with the wall opposite the door and work towards the door. We're not spending time on coping, and we're mitering all the joints, so I think it's okay, no? Anyway, I can't tell the difference and I think if most people can't except for the pros, it doesn't hurt, does it? I'm very meticulous so if there are problems, be assured we'll go over it until it's done right.

I'm kind of proud of us. :) It's been fun borrowing D&A's tools. We're so grateful for handy people who have these toys, who aren't currently working on a project! We're learning a lot too, so the hands on education is priceless. I just wish we could skip the grueling trial and error lectures. sigh

Early morning, late night...time for bed.

-e

-Meals

1 cup Kashi Go Lean! Crunch

1 cup skim milk

3 mandarin oranges

1 cheese bun

2 slices of ham

1 cup spinach

1 Roma tomato

2 pickle slices

3 cups of water

1 cup strawberries

1 onion bun

3 oz lean hamburger meat

1 slice reduced fat marble cheese

1/4 cup grilled onions in olive oil

1/2 cup spinach

1/2 tomato

1 cup french style canned green beans

2 cups of water

1 cup of water

-Exercise

None

-Notes

So better meals today! 'Got in a bushel of fruits and veggies which are good. 'And exercise--are you kidding me? I spent all day working my butt off. But I will be in the gym tomorrow anyway.

Day 209: Lazy Sunday

We're supposed to be putting the house on the market last Monday. Since we can't go back in time, we can only list it in the future. One week later tomorrow's Monday, and we're still not ready. All the painting, de-cluttering, putting up baseboards, along with all the shopping for materials, learning the how-to's, and getting tutorials has pushed us back 10 times longer than we ever anticipated all this taking. Loads of people keep asking why the heck we are painting and putting so much work into the house. I can only suggest they went back in time to see what this house looked like before. I wish I had old photos or taken pictures before we started this work to get the satisfying "before" and "after" shots, but in the rush of just getting it done, that step was missed. Anyway, I have a feeling this is the week for victory.

So we had a good half of the day left after our church meetings let out at 1pm. We even came home a little early to rest because we had such a big day yesterday and our eyes would not stay attentive. Resting, we kept putting off the big work...video games, napping, taking B to the park. Eventually Sunday night cartoons were on, and well, it was a very productive day in the relaxing department. We accomplished lots of rest time, which in itself was much needed. It just means tomorrow we're playing make-up with all the work that still awaits us. I love these lazy Sundays to refocus our energies into the next week and I won't regret that as much as my nervous panic to get things done wants me to do.

-e

-Meals

chicken, spinach, cheese, mushroom on ciabatta bun sandwich (l/o)

sweet potato fries

2 cups of water

2 grilled cheese on sourdough bread

1 cup Tuscan tomato soup

2 cups of water

1 can citrus green tea

1 rice pudding cup

1 chocolate pudding cup

1 cup apple cinnamon tea

-Exercise

40 minutes quiet stroll around the dog park

-Notes

It's funny...I started feeling better and decided to be responsible and blog my way around again, and I'm reading my meals for the past couple of days and they're bad. We've been eating out a few more times than normal because it's difficult to prepare food in a kitchen that you can't walk in. Excuses aside, this week I'll make greater strides to eat three meals a day, and get my vegetables in. I will however still give myself a huge pat on the back because these restaurant meals that I've eaten have lasted two days instead of the one sitting. At least I'm eating half of what I ate before and that counts for something, doesn't it? I feel like a broken record...

Day 208: Year 4

Dad,

Four years ago today will be burned in my memory forever. I had just talked with you days earlier--you called me on your turn of our back and forth weekly calls. You had asked me if I needed any money, as you were paying for me to go to university and the new semester would be starting in just days. I lied to you and told you I didn't need any, that Andrew and I were okay and we could pay for it. What you didn't know is that we put my tuition on our credit card. We were living in a time where we had to run to the bank at 2330h on the 29th of the month just to take an advance out on our credit card, to put money in our chequing account so our mortgage payment on the 30th would clear. You had been very generous to pay for my education as I had finally proven to you that I was serious this time. I wanted you to be proud of me and know that Andrew and I were supporting each other well, so we passed on your offer to help pay for that semester's tuition. You told me, like you have many times recently, that you weren't feeling well, but after we spoke for a few minutes, you told me as you had so many times before, that just talking to me helped you feel better. I always thought you were depressed but then again, you have always been alone and it seemed to suite you well. I thought you just missed me, and I had no idea that physical pain your were feeling was more than just emotional pain manifesting itself. You didn't lead a very healthy life, but you had a good holistic attitude. I thought you'd be a grumpy old man living forever like Grandpa.

We hung up and I was proud of myself for making you proud, even if it was a lie. Yeah, we did pay for my schooling, but we were paying for it long after that day I wrote the cheque. We really could have used the money, but I was trying to be responsible in an irresponsible way. I guess looking back, it's all worked out though, right?

Anyway, school did start after the new year. I had my very first taste of my very first actual nursing classes in my new program. I had been though all the electives for the last two years, and now I had 2.5 years of pure nursing! I was brand new, very green, and doe eyed. I was ready to heal the world! I got so excited after my second class on the 9th. It was in the afternoon and I was studying hard for the next day. I thought about you, and thought about calling you as it was my turn to call, but thought that I should study up tonight so that I could be prepared for tomorrow's class, and I would call you tomorrow afternoon. Andrew was on his way out to the bank for a money exchange and then W called me. He never once called me since I had moved.

I was on a plane, the next flight I could find back home. The entire 3 hours, sitting by myself I cried. The flight was turbulent and it scared me. I now have a phobia of flying and need anxiety medication in order to fly. Things out of my control now, like being a passenger in a car, raise my anxiety levels to heights that make it almost impossible to accept. Andrew is a very capable driver and has never been in an accident since I met him 7 years ago. I still have to drive most of the time if I want to be comfortable.

We cremated you like you wanted even though I had a religious belief that your body should remain whole, I did what you had told me you wanted years and years ago. Seeing you frozen, touching you cold, I was cheated out of my good bye. B Brother was there with me, and we laughed at some good memories we had of you. For so long I wanted you dead. All the pain and hurt you caused me; your abuse, your drunkenness. But for the last couple of years when I finally didn't live with you and you couldn't control me anymore, we became friends. I knew you. I grew up and matured. I realized that you were hurting. I forgave you and you allowed me to be who I wanted to be, expectation free. After my entire life of wanted you dead, I got a good couple of years to completely erase that desire. I'm blessed to have known you those past couple of years, to make amends, to finally say I love you and mean it.

You orphaned me at 25. I know lots of kids grow up without parents, but I didn't have parents after mom died when I was 13, and then I finally did when I was 23. I didn't have enough time with you. I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss our inside jokes. I miss not being able to show you what I've accomplished. I miss that father I always wanted, and so briefly had. But, I had.

I love you, old man. The discount trees are in the back.

Erica

P.S. Thanks for my education and for our old house. Our new house is beautiful--we saw it today--and I think you'd approve of the design and architecture. Thanks for the huge head start.

-e

-Meals

3 oz goat cheese stuffed chicken breast (l/o)

1/2 cup brown rice

1 cup green beans

2 cups of water

french onion soup

chicken breast with mozzarella cheese sandwich on ciabatta bun

sweet potato fries

4 cups of water

8 bite sized chocolate chip cookies

1 tall non-fat Starbucks hot chocolate, no whip

-Exercise

None

-Notes

Renovating is a huge job. We are trying to finish everything quickly in order to list the house this week. It was another hugely busy day, laced with so much exhausting emotion. There again, wasn't any time for breakfast, or for exercise but I have been working all day long! I'll be happy when all this house work is finally completed. We're almost done!

Day 207: Tegan and Sara

I exchanged gifts with one of my very best friends this Christmas. She has given past gifts of tickets to things like Zoo Lights and Vertigo Mystery Theatre. I joked with her that she keeps Andrew and me busy with dates all year. But she knows me and the things I like to do, and receiving these gifts make me feel so special, like she really took time to think of me. I love that about her--so thoughtful! This Christmas she went above and beyond and surprised us with concert tickets to see one of my favourite bands, Tegan and Sara. It was a fun night getting a bit dressed up to go to a concert. Parking was easy and not far away, and getting settled in our seats was a breeze. We got seats right on the aisle, so I was even excited to not have to bump my fat elbows with all the skinny people. Funny though, each pound I lose, I fit in auditorium seats better. I'm almost comfortable, and soon, others sitting next to me might be as well.

We had an excellent night, full of good music, and like Aly warned me, their on-stage banter was hilarious (they are 29 year old twin lesbian musicians). It was a really fun night! They played a lot of songs off their new album that I just got for Christmas, so I got an entire week to drown myself and learn the new album, and surprisingly, I recognized and could sing along to some of it! We also got a good handful of their older stuff--Tegan and Sara classics--which was awesome. We got home quite late and pretty much went straight to bed. It was a very memorable date, and again, a fun time had because of a generous friend who we can't thank enough!

-e

-Meals

chicken burger (l/o)

sweet potato fries (l/o)

1/2 piece German chocolate cheesecake (l/o)

2 cups of water

3 oz parsley and green onion goat cheese stuffed marinated chicken (yum!)

1/2 cup brown rice

1 cup asparagus

3 cups of water

1 cup Starbucks hot cocoa mix with water

-Exercise

60 minutes Hatha yoga

-Notes

I skipped breakfast by pure necessity and not desire. I just got swamped fitting in everything before our date that lunch came quickly after a busy morning, and then dinner wasn't even thought of until it was time for dinner. I know, bad on me. :( Always eat a healthy breakfast!!!

Day 206: Confidence Gained, Just A Little At A Time

I've been doing make-up personal training sessions so that I'm at the same number as the other two in my group. The make-ups are at 600h Thursday mornings. That means I have to wake up by 445h just to get ready in time to make it outside to scrape all the ice off the car, to drive down the off-road residential street the snow transforms for us, and to get into the gym on the treadmill at 600h to warm up before the Ms. kicks our butts. That's early!! I'm used to waking around 730h when Andrew gets up for work. That's nearly 3 hours of sleep I miss and my internal clock certainly knows it. Even getting to bed 3 hours early (not that I did this, but have before) doesn't really make a difference. My body is in rhythm right now which in most ways is perfect because I sleep really well, but it sucks for days like today. At least I went.

Some exercises Ms. has us do just kill me. For instance, there were two benches parallel to each other and we had to step up on the bench from the side with our right foot, up with the left, and down, and up then up the second, left up, and down--then go back across reversed. My right leg can barely lift all my weight up (it's got to be 1.5-2 ft tall) then I had to lift myself up on my left leg (I'm right handed). I can tell you I only did it because Ms. helped me over, but I wanted to cry each time. I'm so scared of heights and balance as it is, and still carry the fear of spraining an ankle. This was the worst. I feel so defeated and Ms. keeps encouraging you can do it, you can do it and after a display of trying and failing I finally do. I don't feel much better though because there's the second bench to conquer. I have to constantly remind myself that I can do what I can do at my level and I will progress. I just feel scared to fall and embarrassed about my weight, everyone watching me struggle. 'Brief moment of doubt and a short lived lack of confidence.

Ms. has a huge good job, see? waiting for me at the end. The other group members also give a little confidence boost with a head nod and smile, them telling me good job, or a look and a breath like it's hard for all of us. I come back from the verge of tears, stubborn as heck to at least try despite everything that's holding me back, and I find somewhere that I can push again. Getting this validation amplifies the little bit of strength I feel I have in me. I need this. I'm so grateful I decided to train with them. It's changed so much about how I view the intensity of my solo workouts, and given me that extra boost to keep me focused.

Then there's front desk lady, and tiny step girl. Front desk lady stopped me from leaving to tell me she saw me working really hard and that it was good for me for doing that. Tiny step girl has started pointing at my rear now when we see each other and telling me I'm looking so good that everything's slimming down and gone! Heh, I always thought I would be pointed at in the bad way, made fun of with looks instead of getting encouraged. Maybe this is why it's so hard to get the gym for the first time, because we judge ourselves and believe everyone else feels the same way that we do. I've gained my support system even from strangers. This is why I've been able to go now for so long because I have proof that it's okay for me to be there!

I wish there was some way to tell less active people who want to be at the gym but won't go out of fear that it's okay. 'And look at how my life is changing. Where would I be without it? I cry because I can't believe how easy it is now--how many years was I held back because of the things I told myself I couldn't do? Yes, it is VERY hard work, but the motivation is easy now. I'm no longer afraid of pain, or sweat, or jiggling, or breathing. I know that the benefits out weigh any stupid, lying hang-ups I tell myself.

I think all you need to build this confidence is practice. ANYONE can do this. ANYONE. I used to think losing 200 pounds was reserved for people who had the heart, who probably wanted it more than me (obviously, right?), who had more money or more support, who had that type A personality--that fire to succeed. None of that is needed at all and it's completely false. All that's needed is a willingness to try just a little today, and when tomorrow comes, try to push just a little more than yesterday; and when you fail, you celebrate what you can do, and when you succeed, you celebrate harder. ANYONE can do this.

-e

-Meals

1 bowl multi-grain Cheerios

1 cup skim milk

3 cups of water

1.5 cups left over bell pepper stuffing

1 apple

2 cups of water

1 bowl french onion soup

1/2 hamburger with cheese, bacon, guacamole

approx 20 sweet potato fries

1/8 of one piece of cheesecake (1 bite)

-Exercise

60 minutes personal training (strength/cardio)

Day 205: Gaining Spirituality

A few hours late, but posting none-the-less!

Andrew and I are trying to be really good about filling our hours being productive, whether that's productive being busy and accomplishing work tasks, or being productive accomplishing our own interests or spending quality time together. We're trying to incorporate a more spiritual environment at home, and focusing on those goals. Although not Monday, we finally held a "formal" family home evening involving scripture study. Now having our new lesson study guides for the year, we've decided to look at our Sunday School lesson during the week to be prepared for Sundays.

It was about 2000h after all the dinner had be eaten and a show had been watched. About this time it would be pretty typical for us to keep watching another show until bedtime, or to play video games. Now I can't really say anything bad about video games in moderation. I find them enjoyable, and Andrew certainly does as well. Keeping moderation in mind, instead of doing these activities, we decided to make a little game for ourselves. From 2000h-2100h, we decided to quickly do as much house work as we could and then stop. After, we held our family home evening, and actually got ready for bed before 2300h. It was a nice change to feel like we didn't have to spend all night working on the house, but that we got some done; but then we got some scripture study time in, and some good family time in as well--so much more accomplished, and in bed earlier than normal. This was how I like my free time! Being enjoyably productive without the stress of needing to be productive, and then falling asleep for a full night's rest.

I lived 21 years without allowing the Lord truly in my life. The more I allow the spirit in, the better I feel. I've lived both ways--with and without religion. I can't tell you how much more my life is fulfilled and I'm more easily able to cope with adversity now with it. So my spiritual choice is believing in a loving, Heavenly Father, with scriptural principles that guide my life. I also like to do yoga and take strength from being in tune with my body and my quiet, inner self. I believe everyone has the choice to choose whatever spiritual belief system they want to use to guide themselves in this life, but having that belief system and acknowledgment of a higher power beyond ourselves, I think is one key into being a whole, functional person. For me, I can honestly and truly say my life has never been better than this day and I expect tomorrow to be better than today. I am grateful that Jesus died on the cross for me, that I might return to Heaven and be with my family for eternity.

May each of us find that inner light guiding our paths to seek out that higher power; to know what is true in guiding only ourselves, and accepting--not judging--our neighbors; and to live righteous and joyful lives through peace on earth.

-e

-Meals

1 bowl of multi grain Cheerios

1 cup skim milk

4 wint-o-green Life Savers

1-100 calorie Reece wafer bar

2 cups of water

17 tortilla chips

1/2 cup kidney beans

1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese

1/4 cup salsa

2 cups of water

1/2 red bell pepper

1/2 yellow bell pepper

each stuffed with:

1/3 cup brown rice

1/4 cup chickpeas

onions, celery, parsley, tomato paste

1/6 cup shredded light mozzarella cheese

2 cups of water

3 lemon coconut digestive crackers

1 cup of water

-Exercise

None

-Notes

Before we ate our healthy stuffed bell peppers, someone suggested next time we stuff them with bacon, blue cheese, and mushrooms...mmmmm, how delicious would that be? If I can think up enough stuffing and add the bacon & blue cheese as condiments, we might have ourselves the yummiest stuffed bell pepper in the world...maybe like cauliflower used as a filler? We'll see.